Always Have Self-Respect.

When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.

Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.

Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.

Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.

I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.

Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...

Growing the hell up - part duex.

In my last post I mentioned the happy hour with Katie (Date me, D.C.) and PYT (DATERVIEW) and how much of an eye-opener it was for me. PYT had to leave early but hopefully we will definitely be hanging out again soon and for a longer time. (Katie, come back to NY!) This is going to sound super-duper creepy but I don't care, I admire Katie. She is an excellent writer who has done things in her life to improve herself. Of course she falls down, makes mistakes, creates awkward moments at time, but she always bounces back and recovers from it in the end. Recently we have both gone through similar situations with men and how she was able to walk away from something that she knew would hurt her is amazing. I hope that one day I will have the strength. I suggest that anyone reading this should check her blog out - she is AMAZING!

Since I made 2010 the year of Nikki I have decided to make 2011 the Year of the Whore. This is not news, I have been saying this now for the last two months since things with that guy started to go sour (AKA since I fucked it up) but I have never felt confident enough to publish the posts about it. Its not that I want to be a whore, I just want to learn how to separate sex from emotions. This is more than just getting laid, I feel that this is something that comes with maturity. If anything, I will definitely learn when to walk away with men, something that I have always struggled with.

As far as relationships are concerned, I really do not care to be in one or try to start one at this moment. I am just so much more relaxed when I don't have a man in my life and I really need to stay that way for a long time. I've always been a hopeful romantic so I know that somewhere, out there, is the man who is perfect for me. I seriously thought that the guy was perfect for me, he understood my personality/sick sense of humor, got all of the dorky references that I made and most importantly, made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything and while things were going well, he was really nice and very considerate of me. On the bad side, his communications skills are not up to par and that is a huge reason why things would have never worked out between us. I just excites me that there is a man out there who is just as awesome as that guy was, only better and more suited for me.

The year I grow the hell up - part 1.

Last Saturday two of my favorite bloggers Katie at Date Me, D.C. and PYT (obv not her real name) at DATERVIEW co-hosted a happy hour in the city. Katie always hosts them in D.C. and being this was her birthday weekend, wanted to do it up here for a change. I had a lot of fun, met some great people and was happy that I went. From the conversations I came to realize that I was the youngest one there. Nothing wrong with that, its just I felt very immature and inexperienced compared to all of the things that everyone else had likely gone through. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how she is so easy to bounce back from a disappoint in life, especially when with a guy. Of course things happen that hurt her but she does not let it be the end all of her life. I guess that this is something that comes with experience and I am more than ready to become more mature in this aspect.

I feel that I have so many things to improve on in my life - I need to stop making such a big deal out of things that do not deserve it. I need to stop worrying about what might happen and just focus on what is happening. I need to learn how to stop caring about what others think and to just truly let loose and be the real me. I need to learn how to stick with things with the going gets tough. Finally, I need to accept that sometimes things are not meant to work out in life and its OK if it does not.

I know that I will not be able to learn all of these lessons overnight but I am willing to work on myself. I feel I am making some progress though, I have sang karaoke in public twice now and can honestly say that I have not once texted him. If you are new and need to know who him is, just read back a few posts. He never got to the point where I gave him an official name in my blog, which speaks volumes for how much I should have not cared. When the whole Minute Man debacle happened, I went back two or three times for more thinking it would be different. For some reason, I know that if me and that guy were to stop talking again, things would not be the same. I just have to take it for what it was, and move the hell on. There is a reason that it did not work out and eventually I will see it.

I have more to write on this but I need to get ready for work. So part 2 is coming!

I'm more than just an option. (hey, hey, hey)

I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.

I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.

Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.

Well, at least I am not trying out for American Idol.

A highlight of my junior year of high school was when the daughter of one of my school's religion teachers tried out for American Idol. She ended up making the worse of the worse list and giving quite an unforgettable performance.



Side Note: Her and her mother are extremely religious, which makes Simon's remark even more amazing.

Like everyone else I basked in the glory and made fun of her for it but deep down inside I admired the balls that she had for actually going on national television and trying to sing. It shows that she truly does not care what other people think about her. This weekend, I think I took a step in this direction. I DID KARAOKE. To most people this is not a big deal at all, some even do it weekly, but to me - this was huge. We went out for Dora's birthday and after dinner ended up at Karaoke Boho in the Village. While I was not in driving condition, I definitely was not as drunk that I thought I would need to be for karaoke. My singing voice is similar to that of a pre-pubescent boy whose balls are about to drop, but I still managed to have fun while singing. This does not mean that all of my issues are cured, but this was a big step for me. And I got to cross something else off of my Day Zero Project.

This will be the year that I fall in love.

…with myself, that is.

There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.

I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.

In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.

So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.

Well, so much for that.

Life kind of got in the way of the 30 Day Challenge and I got so busy with school/work/life that I haven't really kept up with it so oh well, so much for that.

Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.

Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.

I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.

Oh and Happy New Year?

Yeah, I'm a little late I guess. I cannot say I was too busy with the holidays, I guess I was just lazy. I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's and made lots of resolutions that they plan to keep.

Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -

I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.

Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?

The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.

Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.

As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.

Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!

100th Post and Reverb10

Today is kind of a blogging milestone for me - its my 100th post! I usually don't keep up with things so the fact that I kept up with somewhat-regular posts (I missed a month or two somewhere) must really say something. I'm not going to do a a review of all my posts because I plan to do one later this month for the upcoming new year. I first started this blog in May of 2009 with the title "A Single Girl in the City" thinking that I was going to write all about my adventures with being newly single in New York City but that never happened. I had met Minute Man that summer, never got to act single and forgot that I had made a blog. January of this year I remembered this blog and decided to keep the title because I had no clue what direction I wanted to take this in. I was in such a different place from where I am now. I had no job and basically no direction in life. In one of my earlier posts from January I decided that 2010 was going to be the Year of Nikki and I almost feel that it has been. The job opportunity¹ that I mentioned in that post ended up becoming a reality and I have been there almost a year now. I knew that I needed to make a change in my life in order to survive, I just had no idea what that change would be.

I am also participating Reverb10 this year.



Each day in December you get a prompt on something to post that reflects on the past year and helps you look forward to the new one.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

I guess in going with this post and what I have done this year my word for 2010 would have to be CHANGE. I know that it is cliche but this year has just brought forth so many changes that have all been for the better, even if I had not felt so at the time. The word I hope will capture 2011 will be SUCCESS. Yes, its another cliche but by this time next year I want to be healthier, happier and most of all, I want to be typing at (or very close) to 225 wpm. I know this is an achievable goal, because of the many people I have seen in school complete this in the same timeline. I know that I have the mindset for this, I hear it all the time. I also know how I am and that if I put my mind to this, practice just a little more each day, I can definitely achieve this goal. I desperately want to run the 2012 ING NYC Marathon and by this time next year I would need to have made some serious steps towards this goal. I just hope that somewhere I can find the strength and motivation to do this because I know how proud of myself and how much happier I will be.

What would your word for 2010 be?


_{1. Ironically, the hot guy that aided in getting me the job is now the manager at my branch.}

Two years later ...

Today is a very special anniversary for me. On October 19, 2008 (yes, I remember the date) Tight Wad and I broke up for good. It definitely was not easy, especially once my anger finally subsided and I had realized what happened but I felt that I dealt with it in a very positive way and I managed to grow a lot from it. This was also at the point of my life when I had turned my back on all of my friends (for Tight Wad) so I pretty much had no body when I went through this, just a few girls who did care but I was not extremely close with. If I could get through that alone then I could pretty much get through anything else that is thrown my way alone, which is what I am now. But that's just another can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, at least with this post. I just cannot believe how much my life has changed in these past two years…

For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.

I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.

If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.

Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

So instead of practicing for the final that I have in approximately THREE hours, I am making a quick, little post. Clearly I have my priorities straight.

Basically I am surrounded by a whirlwind of change right now. For once, I changed my blog's layout/NAME/theme etc so, um... CHECK IT OUT if you have not done so already! One of my closest friends, Marathoner is moving to Lancaster PA in a little less than two weeks. I am basically done with this semester and am moving on to my Advanced Theory class and am kind of terrified about starting speed (I have to ultimately write at 50 words/minute to pass the class). I just cannot believe how quickly this semester went by. More so, I cannot believe that a mere six months ago,I would not have even THOUGHT of doing this or being where I am today. To top this all off, I just started weight watchers today (again) so my eating habits are changing and hopefully I will learn to exercise more.

My favorite change of them all? FALL! I absolutely love fall and the month of September (birthday month!) and cannot be more happy right now. I love when the air gets crisp and you need to start wearing cardigans and light sweaters. I love wearing uggs and being able to paint my nails those dark/almost black colors. I love love LOVE pumpkin spice lattes and sipping them outside on a cool morning. I love the beautiful leaves and just the smell of fall in general. I actually want to take the times to do things this fall, like pumpkin and apple picking. If my sorority does so this year, I will definitely go with them to the Breast Cancer walk/Fright Fest (a yearly tradition). I need to learn how to let go and loosen up a little more, I might start to enjoy life more if I do so. I never used to look forward to fall like this, it always meant back to school so it sucked but now I love it!

I cannot wait for my birthday this year which is a HUGE switch from last year. Last year I basically was unhappy where I was in life. I had a very low paying job where I had NO hours, I was in St. John's still and had basically no credits under my belt and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was coming off from Minute Man JUST ending things and overall was just in a bad place. Turning 22 did not seem like it was going to be such a great year of change. Boy, was I wrong! It took a few months but I finally got the hang of life. I guess it really does not matter how long you take to get there, just as long as you do.

A permanent change...

So I'm not sure if you've noticed but I totally re-named this blog, again. I think this one is a keeper though. However, since changing it I have lost two followers so either a) they did not recognize the name/blog and got rid of it or b) my writing it shit and sucks and I suck. Unfortunately, it is probably the latter. When I have the free time I will definitely try to make a new header/fix my layout so that everything matches.

I went on a ginormous shopping spree at Lane Bryant and for the most part I am pretty set as far as fall clothes are concerned. I also decided to "Fall clean" (thanks to my blogger crush for that term) my room and got about as far as my closet. I cleaned out all of the shelves that are in my closet and dumped everything out onto my bed. It look horrifying and the mound was as tall as me. So then I went to Bed Bath and Friggin Beyond and purchased a shitload of organization canvas baskets. I threw out so much stuff, things that I forgot that I even owned. I've always been good about throwing things out though, I am sentimental yet practical. And just too much of a neat freak for my own good. After dirt-deviling my shelves (a necessary thing) I sorted everything into bins by categories and 5 hours, 10 bins and 2 HUGE garbage bags later, I was done. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. Next up? My drawers. My drawers are a disaster area and I have so much wasted space. I probably would be able to fit all of clothes in my room if I just organized my drawers. I guess I will leave that and finally finishing my bedroom (decorating) for the full week that I am off. I took off of work that week too because well fuck, I earned it! I am so damn proud of myself after this semester and the fact that I managed to do well at my job at the same time (something I have never done) that I might as well have a party.

Speaking of parties... I have decided what I am going to do for my 23rd birthday - go to Jose Tejas! For those unfortunate enough not to know what that is, it is basically a Tex-Mex restaurant that is not only cheap but the food is amazing! I had a really hard time with the facebook invite for this lol. I did not want to cause drama by leaving people out but lets just say that I hope that not everyone shows up.

I've decided that September 1st will bring forth many permanent changes in my life. I will not smoke anymore. Its mainly just a stress thing but its really not healthy for me and plus its disgusting. I will also try to exercise and definitely monitor/control my eating. Of course September 17 will be the exception but I just really want to change my life. Succeeding in work and school really gave me the feeling that I truly can do anything if I put my mind to it. Lets just hope that I can maintain this burst of energy/motivation that I seem to have. If anything, I always have this blog to help me with it.

Santa rides a bike and Elvis has clearly never left this building

Well last week was filled with more drama than I would ever like to be present. On Friday, an alumni member on my tree had a BBQ and invited a whole bunch of active girls, including their absentee president. I saw a lot of girls that I have not seen all summer and at one point I actually felt like I was Don Corleone on the day of my daughter's wedding because I kept having private (drama filled) conversations with girls off to the side. First up, my twin! I have not seen/spoken to her since the beginning of the summer so it was just really good to catch up with her. She is someone that I feel that I could trust and I just loved catching up with her. Next was my little, unfortunately this conversation was not so successful. She just denied everything and made it seem like people were spreading all of these rumors about her. Now, I'm sure that some of what I heard was exaggerating but I cannot believe that everything was a lie. I'm just even more disappointed in her because she did not own up to ONE thing. I would have had a lot more respect for her if she did. I guess she truly is not who I thought she was. The next up, my poor little little! Basically she never felt that she had a big to begin with so she really does not know what to miss. I told her how I would always be there for her and she could come to me no matter what. Saturday was the meeting and not much happened there. Just the president giving a huge sob story about her life and promising to do better next term. They did make some changes though regarding the elections for next semester, which might change things for the better. Unfortunately, my little did not attend this meeting. Instead she felt it necessary to play jenga (or so I've been told) with a girl in another sorority. Now, the sorority has not had a meeting in months and you were under the impression that your president was either going to step down or be impeached, isn't this a meeting that you feel would be important to attend? Seriously, I do not get it...

So Saturday night after the meeting me, Z and B went into the city to celebrate B's 23rd birthday. We went to the Trailer Park Lounge in Chelsea and it was kind of hysterical. The place looks like a legit trailer park, complete with a mobile home right in the middle of the bar. We had a good time and drank terribly strong margaritas. Since we did not eat dinner, we decided to get something at the bar and the food was just as trash-tastic. I had (burnt) mac and cheese and tater tots and felt like a kid again. The decor was also amazing. It was as if they raided every garage sale on the east coast for the tackiest shit that they could find. My favorites included the random displaced Christmas decorations click and Santa ridin' dirty click. Also, there was Elvis memorabilia EVERYWHERE. Since Z needed to leave early I caught a ride home with her (I had work the next morning) and was in bed by 2 - no hangover for me at work!

I'm definitely glad that I got to spend a lot of time with my sorority sisters this week but next time I would like to do so, minus the drama. Tonight I am most likely closing and then going for coffee with my big and twin!

Z and I have decided that on September 1 (next week!) we are going to join Weight Watchers. I cannot tell you how many times I have joined but I seriously want to make a change in my life. Let's just hope I follow through with it this time ...

Here's to the person that I thought you were...

Have you ever had that person in your life who you were always proud of? Even though you are not as close as you once were with this person, you always tried to be there for them in anyway possible. My little and I are not as close as we could be but I mainly blame our age difference (she's 20) and thought we would probably hang out more next year when we could get in the same places. She always knew how proud I was of her and that I would be there for her no matter what. Back when we were picking who we wanted, I ended up loosing this one girl to a girl who had the pick before I did. I was crushed but happy once I got to know my little, realizing how similar we were. I guess this summer just changed that all ...

Yesterday as I was clocking out of work I got a call from one of the younger girls on my tree who I adore. She is graduating early and is interested in running for president this winter and calls me, as an older girl, for advice. I knew something was wrong when I picked up and she yelled "I hate your little and (another girl)" - two girls who are not only on her family tree but her pledge sisters as well. For two hours I sat in the parking lot at work listening to the havoc that these girls have wrecked this summer. From causing un-necessary drama with a sister whose father just unexpectedly passed away to sleeping with a guy that another sister was hooking up with, there just seems to be no end in sight. I just feel terrible for her little (my little-little) because now apparently they hate each other. I am not close with my big so I always wanted them to be close with each other. Not only this but there is also drama surrounding the president, or lack thereof and how she was doing her best to ruin everything that I had once stood for. It has gotten so bad that the active girls have not had a meeting (or community service event) since June and we even have a member of the Executive Board thinking about resigning. I have seen the sorority in its highs and lows and this is by far the worse that I have seen. There is a meeting next week that me and some other alumni members are going to attend because there is a lot that is going to happen and be discussed there.

I am definitely not getting as involved as I used to and frankly, I was not going to get involved at ALL (aside from giving advice) but this concerns my little and I feel as though I have to be there. I will still give my little the benefit of the doubt and hear her out but hearing this was just very shocking. Obviously she is not innocent in this but I think that she has been provoked this summer. I will still be there for her if she needs me, I am just very disappointed in her.

Anyway, I ended up meeting up with the girl I was on the phone with and a few other girls that my little apparently terrorized this summer (they are all best friends) and I lost my True Blood virginity! I was very lost but I liked it enough to watch the next episode/catch up on this season.

On Saturday Ice Crotch and I trekked out to Whole Foods which is my favorite store to shop at. We got a lot of healthy things and I plan on cooking for the week so I might be able to get on the right track as far as eating is concerned. My semester is also winding down and my classes for the fall are all confirmed so it seems like this might be a great week coming up. This is good because this weekend was horrible!

Oh and BTW, I made a Tumblr and you can find it here. It basically will be a 365 Project but I just did two posts to "test" it out so I will definitely try to start that today. If I cannot take a picture I will definitely post a quote or something that sums up my day. All of my pictures have to come from my phone since the software for my camera ONLY works on a PC (WTF!!?! Anyone else have this issue?!) so they won't be high quality.

it took almost 23 years but i think i figured something out

So today is August 10th (almost the middle of August) which means that my birthday is in exactly five weeks. Wow, 23 years old. Oddly enough I am not as upset as I was when I turned 22. All I could think about was how I was no longer 21 and starting to get older. What really depressed me though was that I was turning 22, had a minimum wage job where I was given only 8 hours a week and was basically in my sophomore year of college. There is nothing wrong with being 22 however, there is something wrong with being 22 and having the same lifestyle of a 19 year old. THAT is what I was being faced with. As I read back to the posts that I wrote around New Year's I can see that I just wanted this year to be different. I wanted to free myself from being trapped with the life of a 19 year old. I know that I have messed up in the past but I needed it to stop holding me back in the future. Hell, even six months ago I would not think that I would be where I am right now. I was not even hired at the bank yet, much less a court reporting student. I just feel like so much has changed in my life and for the better.

I am actually looking forward to my job. I have a decent paying job that I love and make good money and I am doing very well in school. I'm finally on my way to being in adult and I truly feel happy with life. It would be lovely to have a boyfriend, I'm sure but at least the more important aspects of my life are being taken care of.

This gets me to the main idea of this post. I have two years until my 25th birthday. Now THAT is scary. I do have a few goals that I would like to accomplish before that. By my 25th birthday - I would like to have graduated and be a freelance court reporter. This is VERY possible. Also, I want to have lost all the weight I want to/be healthy and be in the middle of training for the 2012 NYC Marathon. This I'm not so sure if it is possible. I mean, it could happen. Whether or not it is possible is entirely up to me. I would love for it to happen though, I am not getting younger and I am sure eventually my health will catch up with me. I just want every part of my life to be complete and just how getting job and finally figuring out what I wanted to do with my life have helped, I feel this will as well. Since I am terrible at dieting, I am just going to start with making smarter choices, such as not drinking soda anymore and not eating out as much. Its not that I eat poorly, I just do not exercise in any way, shape or form. Since the dog loves going out maybe I should just stop making excuses and start small with that? I mean, something is better than nothing, which is what I am currently doing. I am so proud of myself for all I have done in these past six months, I want to be able to look back in two years at all I have been able to accomplish with this as well.

I just hope I could finally figure out something that I can stick with.

You could tell by my attitude that I'm most definitely from New York

poHov - I love you and all but I am sick of this song! Don't get me wrong, I loved it when it first came out and blasted it like the proud New Yorker that I am. I just got really sick of it, especially after we won the World Series.

So I told my marathoner best friend that I was planning to run the 2012 NYC Marathon with her. She didn't really take me seriously. I mean I cannot blame her, she's seen me like this before - all gongho over something to just lose all motivation in a week or two. Also I think she felt that I was underestimating how hard it really is to run one, which I am not. That's why I am giving myself nearly three years to accomplish this. I feel that I might be able to do this, especially if I use running as a way to lose weight. Marathoner offered many tips and to help me train and even to just learn how to run but she was still slightly skeptical. Cannot say I blame her.

So I hung out with one of my other best friends who from here on shall be referred to as Dora the Explorer since tha main thing we do together is explore Staten Island. Dora had some fabulous news - she was offered for the job she went for! So I rubbed her forehead for some good luck that I am offered the job that I went. I cannot even tell you what this job will do for me - it will seriously make my year! I must say, 2010 so far has not been a bad year. However, we are only 5 days in. I have managed to not speak with Summer Fling since the New Year which is great. Honestly, if its meant to be then he'll miss me and contact me. If not, then I know. Life is just way to short to deal with any man's bullshit.

I was watching the BL season premiere tonight. In July I went to the open casting call in the city for shits and giggles. You are not interviewed alone, they put you at a table and see how you interact with the group. I was over powered by two very loud, obnoxious women from Long Island. While this was going on past contestants were walking around observing us. When I went to leave I was stopped by two of them who told me that their job there was to see who stood out to them and I stood out to both of them! They said that I definitely had the look that the show was going for and should submit a tape because I really didn't stand out during the interview. (well duh, I was being over powered by two blonde wooly mammoths) So needless to say, I was estatic! However, the dates of the filming clashed with Marathoner's wedding so I did not send one in figuring it was not meant to be. I think just knowing that I could have made it meant the world to me. Even Minute Man was proud of me and I was debating on whether or not to tell him about it. This is the season that I would have been on and when I saw them weigh in in front of all of their friends and families I breathed the largest sigh of relief! I guess things really do happen for a reason because I would have NOT been able to do that.

Meeting two of my DD's (sorority sisters) for lunch and some shopping tomorrow so I'm going to go to bed now!

"Wherever you are - whenever its right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life. I just haven't met you yet"

Heeellooo Michael Buble. Not a fan of you but I LOVE this song!

Winter (not so)Wonderland

This weekend just reminded me about why I hate living in New York during the winter. I LIVE for when it is like 35-40° and the air is completely dry and just crisp. Those are the perfect hair days and I love to walk around all bundled up. I don't know what the temperature was today but it was horrifically cold and flurrying. I am sick of the snow as well, even though its only snowed twice and both times the snow did not last more than 3-4 days. I just want the weather to be nicer so I could enjoy these last few months of winter. Maybe the rest of my break won't be too bad and I can actually get to walking Tammy in the park, some much needed exercise for the both of us.

I played it very low-key this weekend. This winter break has put me on a terrible sleep schedule which resulted me in sleeping away most of the day and I was sick of it. So I stayed in this whole weekend and I must say I was not bored at once. The fact that there was an "Every Episode of Degrassi EVER" marathon on might have something to do with that. Last night I was in bed before 1AM and I woke up at 9 with ease. I got a lot accomplished today - finished cleaning my bedroom, went food shopping for the week and made homemade pizza for the first time. It was a spur of the moment thing and I found a recipe off of google. The recipe called for three tablespoons of olive oil to be drizzled over the pizza but I felt it was excessive so I only used three teaspoons. Apparently even that was too much because I found myself with a very soggy, oily pizza. The flavors were spot on though so that gave me confidence for the next time I attempt to make pizza.

I wanted to make a list of the things I want to accomplish in the future. I'm toying with making a "210 to do in 2010" list or one of those "101 things to do in 1001". I am having better luck with the second one and will post both of them when I complete them. I am still learning how to use this so hopefully I'll get the hang of it soon. I joined 20SB and I love it. I have found a lot of interesting blogs to read so hopefully that'll keep me off of FV during my down time this break. I also have to pretty much cook for myself so that will give me something else to do. One of the things I always had in the back of my mind was to be a chef so I know trying to perfect my cooking skills is going to be a lot of fun. I also wanted to be a writer so maybe writing in this blog could help me live some of that dream. I was thinking about this today. I am one of those people that is always telling stories, whether they are 100% true or not does not matter but it seems that I have a story for everything. While yes, this is an annoying trait to possess, I cannot help but wonder (Carrie Bradshaw moment!) if I do that for a reason... I am also ridiculously good at making up stories to get myself out of trouble. Like so good that it sometimes I scare myself at the shit I have been able to get out of. Maybe the little novelist (whoa dream BIG) inside of me that I have been silencing is trying to speak? I don't know. All I know is that it is almost midnight and I am exhausted. I am beginning to like this new, normal sleep schedule.

As I may (or may not) have mentioned in my last post, I want to do a "photo a day" thing and todays pictures capture my learning experience with margarita pizza.


Before


After

Someone better tell the Chinese that 2010 is the Year of Nikki, not the Tiger.

So I was just sitting here (watching Jersey Shore) and I got to thinking. I am going to be 23 this year and while that is technically not too old I do feel like my life is going by fast. I don't want to wake up one morning and feel that my life has passed me by. As I said in my last post I am still working on my lists of things to accomplish. I might just make it a random number or add to it as I go along, I'm not sure yet. All I know is this year has to be about me. I really need to change my lifestyle and I know that if I succeed in doing this, I will be better off in the long run not just health-wise either. I want to be the happiest girl in the world. I want to be one of those people that does not like shit get to them and just sees the best out of everything. I want to learn how to carry myself better and be more confident, not caring what others think. I want to learn when to walk away from things and to forget about how I feel but remember what I deserve in life.

Wow, I seem to want a lot of things in life. I just hope I have the will to actually get these.

Today I went to meet the man who is helping me to get a job. He works for a bank that is opening two new locations and they are doing hiring. I already submitted my application but being the economy is doing so well right now, I figured pulling a few strings could do no harm. Of course the man is GORGEOUS. Like I was totally beaming when I met him and shook his hand. Overall it went well, I flashed my award-winning smile and looked really cute. He said he was passing my resume along to that branch's manager so - fingers crossed!

Let me just take this moment to congratulate the lucky bitch that gets to sleep with him every night.

I did manage to get a lot accomplished today, much more than I normally would have. I woke up nice and early, eat and filling (and healthy) breakfast and did all of my laundry before getting ready to meet Mr. Bank Manager. I also did very well eating wise even though I did not follow a specific program or meal plan, I just used what was in my house and made conscious decisions.

Maybe this blog will keep me accountable with everything in life? Hope so but for now, I'm gonna go join my snoring puglet and get some sleep!

New Year, New Me?

So I've had this blog for about a year now but I have never made a post. I guess out of laziness and also the fact that I seem to never finish what I start. 2009 came and went and I have mixed feelings about it. While yes it was not the best of years and a lot of things happened that I wish did not, I gained a lot from this year. I managed to learn a lot about myself and that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned how easy it is to fall back into bad habits and how doing one bad thing could trigger a domino effect on your entire life. I learned how good things fall apart so that something even better can come together and how to put myself aside and help someone else for a change. With all that I have learned this year I still have a lot of learning and growing up to do, so that's where this blog comes in.

This blog was originally started as a place to share all of my stories, tips, tricks, and hard-learned lessons about being newly single and back on the dating scene. That blog never happened. I became a dog owner, broke and did not have the means (or time) to experience the dating scene as I wanted to. I was also healing my heart and we all know that you have to heal yourself first before you try to bring someone else into the equation. I had met someone over the summer (will be referred to as Minute Man) who for a while I felt might be my next great love. For the first time in a long time I was treated right and things just felt right when I was with him. Unfortunately, things did not work out for the best since we are entirely two different people and he had no intentions of trying to see things my way as well as his. Oh well, that was so 2009... this is 2010 we are talking about and as cheesy as it sounds I want to completely start over for this new year. I probably say this every year but this time I actually mean it. I also say that every year but that is the past and this is the present and what better day than today.

One of my main goals for this year is the same as it has been for many years, to lose weight. Tonight, (well technically last night now since it is an ungodly hour and I have yet to sleep) I was listening to Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen and one line really stood out to me - "Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own." My body is the greatest instrument I'll ever own and for the past 22 years I have not been treating it right at all. I always see how much people rave about the gym and love working out and I always wish I was like that. Well I don't think those people became exercise-fanatics overnight, they had to start from somewhere just like I am. I'm not saying I will go to the gym for 2-3 hours daily but maybe I could start small like say 2-3 hours a week and then build it up. Also, exercise does not always have to be at the gym I could always go walk in the park and even take Tammy along with me. I'm sure the laziest pug in the world will love that! I always knew how to eat healthier but I just never had the motivation to and I hope that will change in this year. One of the things Santa left me in my stocking was a fitbook and I really hope that it could help me stay accountable, at least as far as eating is concerned. Lisa Lilian from hungry girl absolutely raves about it and how helpful it is with staying on track so, fingers crossed!

One of the other major things I want to work on this year is my progress with school. I am just 5 semesters away from graduating and I seriously need to get my act together. I slipped up a little with this semester but managed to finish it and learn a hard lesson. I now feel as though I know what I want to do with my life and it is comforting to at least have a direction to face in life. I also want to hold a job during this semester, one that will work around my school schedule and understand that school is my number one priority. It would be amazing to have a work study position, I would be able to work on campus and even in some offices I could do my homework as I work so that would work out well. I just have to get my act together, especially with this upcoming semester since I am taking three hospitality courses - including event management. I cannot wait to take it, it looks like it will be a lot of fun and it will give me a glimsp of it will be like to actually be an event planner.

I also want to try and update this blog regularly. It is not possible to say it will be updated daily especially during the semester but I just want to aim to do it on a regular basis. Santa also gave me a brand new camera and memory card for Christmas so I would like to have at least one album worth of pictures for every month of the year. I want to truly enjoy my life for once and document it as I go along. I want to make each day count and no longer waste my time and my life away, I am only 22 now but I know I am going to turn around and be 44 before I know it.

So hopefully I'll be back soon with another update, if not then we'll know I failed at at least one of my resolutions.