It seems like it has been forever since I began this blog, especially when you think about where I was in my life.
Then? I was 22 years old and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was 40 lbs heavier, still dealing with the pain of a breakup and having it screw me up with dating other men. I had no job and had bled my savings dry. Obviously, I was in a bad place.
Now? I am 24 years old (still not used to saying this), have had a decent-paying job for over a year and a half, and am more than halfway done with court reporting school. I'm still single but it is a choice that I have made. I just have more important things to worry about in life than if a boy is going to call me or if he feels the same way that I do. Not to say that I will turn away a man who sweeps me off my feet, but I am definitely holding out for someone who is worth the frustration.
I am just now starting to let go of the thought that I have wasted away the last six years of my life. Although in an ideal world, I would have graduated school in 2009 and (hopefully) have a job, I would not be where I was today if I had done things correctly. I don't know if I would have ever met Tight Wad, and even though things do not work out with him, that relationship had taught me a lot about love and life. I don't know if I would be closer and not talking to some of my friends, so I am glad that I am where I am today. It also helps that many of my friends in school are my age or a year or two older, so I am not the only one in this boat. It is just overwhelming to think about the amount of money in loans I will have to pay back before I can catch up with everyone else and move on with my life.
So with all of that said, I feel that this blog needs a change as well. I like the name and really do not feel like going through the trouble of switching names, but I don't feel it is necessary to stay here. I have this name over at Wordpress but am not quite sure how to work that site. Most of the people who have followed this blog have probably forgotten about it anyway, so maybe it will be better to move it over there.
Showing posts with label future court reporter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future court reporter. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Enough is enough.
Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?
Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.
I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.
I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.
I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.
Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.
I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.
I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.
I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The most immature of them all.
I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.
Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.
I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?
What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?
Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?
If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.
Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.
I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?
What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?
Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?
If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.
I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat1, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.
I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?
Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.
Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?
1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.
I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?
Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.
Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?
1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.
Friday, February 18, 2011
This will be the year that I fall in love.
…with myself, that is.
There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.
I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.
I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.
In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.
So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.
There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.
I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.
I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.
In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.
So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Well, so much for that.
Life kind of got in the way of the 30 Day Challenge and I got so busy with school/work/life that I haven't really kept up with it so oh well, so much for that.
Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.
Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.
I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.
Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.
Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.
I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.
Monday, January 31, 2011
So now everyone knows how exciting my life is.
Today was the first day of the new term at school. I am now officially done with my theory classes and am in the 50-70 speed class. Since I am going for my 70, I can test out of this class within the next week or so if I pass the 70. Honestly, I cannot wait to do this. Aside from having my friends with me, I really cannot stand some of the people in my class and just want to get away from them and the negativity that they bring. Also the next class (80-90) is taught by the teacher that I had for my first theory class and she was amazing. I got my grades from last semester - two A's and an A-. Of course the A- kills me because its so close to perfect but I will definitely accept this. My term GPA is a 3.92 and it brought my cumulative up to a 3.89. I have never worked so hard and done this in school before, needless to say, I am extremely proud of myself. I have come along way in these last 9 months and I can only hope to continue my success.
DAY 12: Bullet your whole day.
• Woke up, let the snooze go off 10 times, every 5 minutes.
• Finally got out of bed and got into the shower.
• Straightened my hair, got dressed and was out the door in record time.
• Lugged my steno stuff and ice-skated my way to the bus stop.
• Hit no traffic and got into school super early.
• Received my new schedule and grades from last term.
• Practiced for a bit then met up with my friends and went to class.
• Went for lunch with everyone and then stayed later at school to practice.
• Met up with my mom and the bus stop and took the bus home with her.
• Ate dinner, cleaned my room and did my laundry.
• Finishing up this post, going to read for a little and then go to bed.
I have some stuff on my mind but honestly I am way too tired right now so I will write about it in the near future.
DAY 12: Bullet your whole day.
• Finally got out of bed and got into the shower.
• Straightened my hair, got dressed and was out the door in record time.
• Lugged my steno stuff and ice-skated my way to the bus stop.
• Hit no traffic and got into school super early.
• Received my new schedule and grades from last term.
• Practiced for a bit then met up with my friends and went to class.
• Went for lunch with everyone and then stayed later at school to practice.
• Met up with my mom and the bus stop and took the bus home with her.
• Ate dinner, cleaned my room and did my laundry.
• Finishing up this post, going to read for a little and then go to bed.
I have some stuff on my mind but honestly I am way too tired right now so I will write about it in the near future.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Its sometimes a catastrophe but I would never want to end it.
Disclaimer: Suicide is not a joke. I am just a fucked up human being who deep down inside has a huge heart.
DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.
In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.
Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.
Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.
DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.
In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.
Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.
Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
In ten years, I'll be in my early to mid thirties.
… And that is one of the scariest thoughts EVER.
Day 2 of my 30 day blog challenge asks me where I would like to be in ten years. So let's see, I will be 33 turning 34 that year. I would like to be:
Married, without a doubt. If not, then dating a 20 year old male model who has the biggest dick I have ever seen.
I would like to have popped out a kid or two by this time of my life also. While I still have the strength and patience to deal with them.
A court reporter either freelancing or working in the Supreme Court.
Healthy
Above all, happy with my life!
Living in either the suburbs or the city. Depending on income and such.
Well back to busting my ass for my finals. So far I have destroyed my medical terminology final and tomorrow I have to take my legal terminology final and my 60 and 70 WPM speed tests. Not going to lie, I am a bit nervous about this. I have not spent much time preparing for this final but I know it will be much easier than her previous tests. As far as speed is concerned, I am very nervous and I have every right to be. I started to get cocky and stopped practicing as often and now I am having trouble writing at 60 and 70. Sometimes I can get the 60, depending on the words being said but 70? Its kind of like a shitshow for me. I spent about 3 hours practicing at 60 today after school and tomorrow in between my classes I am going to try and practice for my 70. I don't have to get it tomorrow, if I do I will actually be ahead but I still don't feel like failing my first speed test this earlier on. I just have to not be so nervous about it and I'll be fine.
Day 2 of my 30 day blog challenge asks me where I would like to be in ten years. So let's see, I will be 33 turning 34 that year. I would like to be:
Married, without a doubt. If not, then dating a 20 year old male model who has the biggest dick I have ever seen.
I would like to have popped out a kid or two by this time of my life also. While I still have the strength and patience to deal with them.
A court reporter either freelancing or working in the Supreme Court.
Healthy
Above all, happy with my life!
Living in either the suburbs or the city. Depending on income and such.
Well back to busting my ass for my finals. So far I have destroyed my medical terminology final and tomorrow I have to take my legal terminology final and my 60 and 70 WPM speed tests. Not going to lie, I am a bit nervous about this. I have not spent much time preparing for this final but I know it will be much easier than her previous tests. As far as speed is concerned, I am very nervous and I have every right to be. I started to get cocky and stopped practicing as often and now I am having trouble writing at 60 and 70. Sometimes I can get the 60, depending on the words being said but 70? Its kind of like a shitshow for me. I spent about 3 hours practicing at 60 today after school and tomorrow in between my classes I am going to try and practice for my 70. I don't have to get it tomorrow, if I do I will actually be ahead but I still don't feel like failing my first speed test this earlier on. I just have to not be so nervous about it and I'll be fine.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Oh and Happy New Year?
Yeah, I'm a little late I guess. I cannot say I was too busy with the holidays, I guess I was just lazy. I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's and made lots of resolutions that they plan to keep.
Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -
I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.
Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?
The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.
Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.
As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.
Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!
Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -
I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.
Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?
The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.
Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.
As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.
Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Everyone else is doing it.
Since I have work in two and a half hours, laundry in its rinse cycle, curly hair and furry eyebrows, I decided to make a post and furthermore press myself for time today. 2010 was actually quite successful for me. I made a few mistakes, definitely learned a lot and overall made some changes that will affect me for the rest of my life. Here's a month-to-month look back at this past year of my life.
January 2010
I started this blog but wasn't too optimistic about keeping up with it. I guess I proved myself wrong. I pursued a job opportunity and started a DayZero Project as a way to keep my accountable with my goals for the near-future. I decided that I was going to stay single until I worked on myself enough first.
February 2010
I did not make one post however - I GOT A JOB! Quite possibly one of the two best things that have happened to me this year. I was very happy to start work and to finally start making money again. My sorority had formal recruitment and I officially became old when my little took a little of her own. I continued at St. John's and was actually doing pretty well with the semester at that point.
March 2010
I also did not make one post this month. In a moment of weakness I started things up with Minute Man again and we accidentally (because it was not the intention) became friends-with-benefits. Whoopsies. I went through training at work and became a certified teller. I started to become completely frustrated with my situation at St. John's and stopped going to class (!!) but worked my ass off and made MAD DOUGH, yo! So, I guess it could have been worse there. Also, things with Minute Man quickly ended because well, fucking duh. I vowed to never be that stupid again with a man.
April 2010
I made the biggest decision of my life. On Easter I was sitting with my cousin talking about life in general, where I felt mine was going etc… when I realized that I needed to make a change. I knew that I was not going to be able to finish St. John's. I was not able to the first time around and I knew deep-down that it was not what I wanted for my life. Not to mentioned the $100,000+ in debt I would have been after graduation and STILL having to go to grad school, it was just not sensible. I decided to look into court reporting, something that I have always found interesting. I knew a few friends from HS who are reporters and decided to ask them about it. My mother FREAKED out and basically told me I was on my own. So I took the initiative, made appointments with people and registered myself there. It was the biggest step I have ever taken on my own but I knew that good things were going to come from it. Minute Man got a girlfriend in like literally a week so that was my way of realizing that things were just never meant to be.
May 2010
I found it very hard to finish strongly at St. John's especially now that I had officially transferred out and was taking classes that would not transfer over to NYCI. Finals week was a complete joke and I bullshitted my way through all of them. I took what could have been a 4.0 semester (I was working that hard) and wasted it ALL away. Oh well, lesson learned. I also did the most fucked up thing that I have ever done to a guy and not even seven days later had it completely blow up in my face. I went to formal anyway, got shitfaced and made an ass out of myself. What else is new? I also started classes at NYCI and realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought.
June 2010
I got a little bored with the monotony of school/work/friends/rinse and repeat that my summer was about to become so I decided, like a moron, to subscribe to eHarmony. Just for shits and giggles, definitely looking to get a few laughs out of it. Laughs are definitely what I got. After some one disaster after another (and countless others) I decided to give up and change the premise of this blog from being about dating to being about myself.
July 2010
Never the one to easily give up, I decided to embark on a new dating journey with my best friend Dora and pretty much laughed at every desperate man that came my way. Dora seemed to have some success and I just ended up with the biggest creeps ever. I managed to find a normal seeming guy and then ended up having it not work out. I came to the conclusion that whenever I find a guy who seems to "get me", it never seems to work out. I also kept up with eHarmony because I was paying for it and ended up babysitting a child one Friday night.
August 2010
Since July had been cluttered with dating disasters and awkward moments, I decided to completely focus on myself and school from here on out. I realized that I have issues when it comes to dating and men but decided to put it all on the back burner. I purchased a MacBook and quickly realized that this would be the best credit card debt that I would ever have. I kept up with school and worked extra hours at work and finally realized that for the first time I was happy with where I am in life.
September 2010
Ah, my favorite month! I changed the name of my blog (for good!) and looked back on my life and realized how far I have come in the past year. I turned 23 and ended the semester, looking forward to a well-deserved week off. During that week I drove down to Lancaster, PA to visit Marathoner and her husband and had an amazing weekend. I also began a new semester and realized how tough it was going to be.
October 2010
Not much happened this month. School MURDERED me and I let pretty much every other aspect of my life (with the exception of work) take a backseat to it. One thing I wrote about was my Single-versary and I took a look back on how much my life has changed in the two years since Tight Wad and I had broken up. On Halloween I did something that I thought I would NEVER do in my life - I got a tattoo! and to me it was a sign of changing who I was for the better.
November 2010
This was a HUGE month for me school-wise. We started speed building in school and then testing. We took our 20 WPM and 30 WPM tests and I ended up getting 100 on both of them! I also got on the Dean's List which has ALWAYS been a goal of mine. I just felt so proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. On Thanksgiving I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. I started talking to the new guy and already began to create scenarios about how it was not going to work out.
December 2010
I started doing the Reverb10 prompts but then quickly stopped when I realized how every one of my answers were starting to sound the same. I went on a few dates with and started to really get to know the new guy. Of course I go crazy on him from time to time and so far he has been able to handle it. I am just worried that I am going to mess it up BECAUSE it seems to be going so well. I know, I sound insane but I am almost getting excited for it and I don't want that to cloud my judgment or make me blind to what really is going on. We took our 40WPM right before our Christmas break and I got 100 on that as well! It probably will be the last 100 I see but it was a great confidence boast to nail the first three speed tests that I took.
I really have to cut this short or else I am going to be late for work. There you have it, my 2010 in a nutshell, broken down by month. It wasn't always fun but for what I learned this year, I have absolutely no regrets!
I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!
I started this blog but wasn't too optimistic about keeping up with it. I guess I proved myself wrong. I pursued a job opportunity and started a DayZero Project as a way to keep my accountable with my goals for the near-future. I decided that I was going to stay single until I worked on myself enough first.
February 2010
I did not make one post however - I GOT A JOB! Quite possibly one of the two best things that have happened to me this year. I was very happy to start work and to finally start making money again. My sorority had formal recruitment and I officially became old when my little took a little of her own. I continued at St. John's and was actually doing pretty well with the semester at that point.
March 2010
I also did not make one post this month. In a moment of weakness I started things up with Minute Man again and we accidentally (because it was not the intention) became friends-with-benefits. Whoopsies. I went through training at work and became a certified teller. I started to become completely frustrated with my situation at St. John's and stopped going to class (!!) but worked my ass off and made MAD DOUGH, yo! So, I guess it could have been worse there. Also, things with Minute Man quickly ended because well, fucking duh. I vowed to never be that stupid again with a man.
April 2010
I made the biggest decision of my life. On Easter I was sitting with my cousin talking about life in general, where I felt mine was going etc… when I realized that I needed to make a change. I knew that I was not going to be able to finish St. John's. I was not able to the first time around and I knew deep-down that it was not what I wanted for my life. Not to mentioned the $100,000+ in debt I would have been after graduation and STILL having to go to grad school, it was just not sensible. I decided to look into court reporting, something that I have always found interesting. I knew a few friends from HS who are reporters and decided to ask them about it. My mother FREAKED out and basically told me I was on my own. So I took the initiative, made appointments with people and registered myself there. It was the biggest step I have ever taken on my own but I knew that good things were going to come from it. Minute Man got a girlfriend in like literally a week so that was my way of realizing that things were just never meant to be.
May 2010
I found it very hard to finish strongly at St. John's especially now that I had officially transferred out and was taking classes that would not transfer over to NYCI. Finals week was a complete joke and I bullshitted my way through all of them. I took what could have been a 4.0 semester (I was working that hard) and wasted it ALL away. Oh well, lesson learned. I also did the most fucked up thing that I have ever done to a guy and not even seven days later had it completely blow up in my face. I went to formal anyway, got shitfaced and made an ass out of myself. What else is new? I also started classes at NYCI and realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought.
June 2010
I got a little bored with the monotony of school/work/friends/rinse and repeat that my summer was about to become so I decided, like a moron, to subscribe to eHarmony. Just for shits and giggles, definitely looking to get a few laughs out of it. Laughs are definitely what I got. After some one disaster after another (and countless others) I decided to give up and change the premise of this blog from being about dating to being about myself.
July 2010
Never the one to easily give up, I decided to embark on a new dating journey with my best friend Dora and pretty much laughed at every desperate man that came my way. Dora seemed to have some success and I just ended up with the biggest creeps ever. I managed to find a normal seeming guy and then ended up having it not work out. I came to the conclusion that whenever I find a guy who seems to "get me", it never seems to work out. I also kept up with eHarmony because I was paying for it and ended up babysitting a child one Friday night.
August 2010
Since July had been cluttered with dating disasters and awkward moments, I decided to completely focus on myself and school from here on out. I realized that I have issues when it comes to dating and men but decided to put it all on the back burner. I purchased a MacBook and quickly realized that this would be the best credit card debt that I would ever have. I kept up with school and worked extra hours at work and finally realized that for the first time I was happy with where I am in life.
September 2010
Ah, my favorite month! I changed the name of my blog (for good!) and looked back on my life and realized how far I have come in the past year. I turned 23 and ended the semester, looking forward to a well-deserved week off. During that week I drove down to Lancaster, PA to visit Marathoner and her husband and had an amazing weekend. I also began a new semester and realized how tough it was going to be.
October 2010
Not much happened this month. School MURDERED me and I let pretty much every other aspect of my life (with the exception of work) take a backseat to it. One thing I wrote about was my Single-versary and I took a look back on how much my life has changed in the two years since Tight Wad and I had broken up. On Halloween I did something that I thought I would NEVER do in my life - I got a tattoo! and to me it was a sign of changing who I was for the better.
November 2010
This was a HUGE month for me school-wise. We started speed building in school and then testing. We took our 20 WPM and 30 WPM tests and I ended up getting 100 on both of them! I also got on the Dean's List which has ALWAYS been a goal of mine. I just felt so proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. On Thanksgiving I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. I started talking to the new guy and already began to create scenarios about how it was not going to work out.
December 2010
I started doing the Reverb10 prompts but then quickly stopped when I realized how every one of my answers were starting to sound the same. I went on a few dates with and started to really get to know the new guy. Of course I go crazy on him from time to time and so far he has been able to handle it. I am just worried that I am going to mess it up BECAUSE it seems to be going so well. I know, I sound insane but I am almost getting excited for it and I don't want that to cloud my judgment or make me blind to what really is going on. We took our 40WPM right before our Christmas break and I got 100 on that as well! It probably will be the last 100 I see but it was a great confidence boast to nail the first three speed tests that I took.
I really have to cut this short or else I am going to be late for work. There you have it, my 2010 in a nutshell, broken down by month. It wasn't always fun but for what I learned this year, I have absolutely no regrets!
I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Procrastination at its finest.
I cannot even believe myself right now, its three days before Christmas and I haven't even STARTED Christmas shopping yet. I only brought some gifts for Dora because I know that our time together is limited so I had to be prepared. Aside from Dora I am only getting gifts for family members this year. Funds are just way too low and I actually have one of my bills due on New Year's Day, so its gonna be pretty fun. I'm thinking of using the Christmas money that my grandmother is giving me to help pay for that one, since it falls right in the middle of my pay period. Speaking of which, my paycheck was less than half of what it normally is and my next check is going to be missing two Saturdays in a row (no, I don't get paid holidays) so I'm lucky if its gonna be triple digits. I need to rob a bank, no joke. Or at least have the one I work for give me more hours so I can have a decent paycheck.
This sort of brings up an important (not really though) question - what do I get the new boy for Christmas? I have only been seeing him for a few weeks so I'm definitely not getting him anything major but I feel that I at least have to get him something. He's a huge nerd so I was thinking of going somewhere along the lines of that. Whatever, its the least of my worries right now but usually I am so good at putting together gifts. Whatever I end up doing, I know it will be funny. Any suggestions? Help a girl out!
Out of my two week mini break from school I have SIX days where I have nothing (school, work, holidays) to do. I feel like I have completely wasted my first three, all I have managed to get done is my laundry and OCD-clean my room. The visions I had of getting all of my homework and Christmas shopping done by now have long since faded away and I find myself sleeping until at least noon on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, it feels amazing to relax but I kind of feel like I am wasting this break and not getting done all the things that I need to. I have not even touched my machine other than to move it out of the way when I was cleaning last night. I know that I need to really practice this break or I am going to lose where I am at, which will cripple me if we take our 50WPM the week that we come back from break.
Enough procrastination, its time to make breakfast (its almost 4 in the afternoon), and get to shopping. Today is Macy's last One Day Sale before Christmas so the chances of me strangling someone are greatly increased. Has anyone else really procrastinated this holiday season?
This sort of brings up an important (not really though) question - what do I get the new boy for Christmas? I have only been seeing him for a few weeks so I'm definitely not getting him anything major but I feel that I at least have to get him something. He's a huge nerd so I was thinking of going somewhere along the lines of that. Whatever, its the least of my worries right now but usually I am so good at putting together gifts. Whatever I end up doing, I know it will be funny. Any suggestions? Help a girl out!
Out of my two week mini break from school I have SIX days where I have nothing (school, work, holidays) to do. I feel like I have completely wasted my first three, all I have managed to get done is my laundry and OCD-clean my room. The visions I had of getting all of my homework and Christmas shopping done by now have long since faded away and I find myself sleeping until at least noon on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, it feels amazing to relax but I kind of feel like I am wasting this break and not getting done all the things that I need to. I have not even touched my machine other than to move it out of the way when I was cleaning last night. I know that I need to really practice this break or I am going to lose where I am at, which will cripple me if we take our 50WPM the week that we come back from break.
Enough procrastination, its time to make breakfast (its almost 4 in the afternoon), and get to shopping. Today is Macy's last One Day Sale before Christmas so the chances of me strangling someone are greatly increased. Has anyone else really procrastinated this holiday season?
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.
Let me just say that I have the WORST writer's block (which really I don't believe in, its just an excuse for being a shitty writer) that I have had since I started this blog. Fuck Reverb10. We can all just add that to the list of things that I have set out to do and ended up not finishing. I was too tired of answering almost every post with "Well, changing schools was the best decision ever." I mean don't get me wrong, it was, its just I had a few more things go on this year that deserve to be elaborated on as well. I probably will not have many pictures to go with it but expect some type of year-recap-thing post in the near future.
This week was pretty much one of the worst weeks that I have had in recent memory. Just the combination of stress from school, work and friends really did it in for me. I ended up taking a great deal of it out on the new guy. I'm still not willing to go into too much detail on that yet, I do not wanna jinx anything but aside from me sometimes going crazy, its going quite well. I went over his house yesterday and between demolishing his ass in Operation and then watching Drop Dead Fred, my bad week was just swept away and now I feel like my normal self again.
As of Thursday I am officially off from school for two whole weeks. It feels amazing but I am also terrified that I am not going to practice at all. I have a feeling that I have passed the point where I can get away with it and if we take our 50 the week we come back, I definitely will end up coming close to or actually failing it. Basically I have two goals set for this break: FINISH my room since my shelving piece finally came in and to PRACTICE MY ASS OFF. If I'm gonna be a court reporter, this is what I need to do.
Cutting this way short since shenanigans with aforementioned boy caused me to only get an hour of sleep today and I have yet to nap. Hopefully I will post again soon, if not Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!
This week was pretty much one of the worst weeks that I have had in recent memory. Just the combination of stress from school, work and friends really did it in for me. I ended up taking a great deal of it out on the new guy. I'm still not willing to go into too much detail on that yet, I do not wanna jinx anything but aside from me sometimes going crazy, its going quite well. I went over his house yesterday and between demolishing his ass in Operation and then watching Drop Dead Fred, my bad week was just swept away and now I feel like my normal self again.
As of Thursday I am officially off from school for two whole weeks. It feels amazing but I am also terrified that I am not going to practice at all. I have a feeling that I have passed the point where I can get away with it and if we take our 50 the week we come back, I definitely will end up coming close to or actually failing it. Basically I have two goals set for this break: FINISH my room since my shelving piece finally came in and to PRACTICE MY ASS OFF. If I'm gonna be a court reporter, this is what I need to do.
Cutting this way short since shenanigans with aforementioned boy caused me to only get an hour of sleep today and I have yet to nap. Hopefully I will post again soon, if not Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!
Friday, December 10, 2010
I really don't need a prompt to tell me what my best decision this year was.
So since I really have to get ready for work and blogger failed at saving my first draft to this post, it will be very short and just mention the prompts from Reverb10.
December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)
Either this year was just boring or I cannot think right now but I guess I am going to have to go with my sorority's formal that was in the spring. Despite having some fun date drama I still managed to have a good time and get incredibly shit faced. The drinks were not watered down as usually are and I found myself very drunk by the end of cocktail hour. The rest of the night consisted of even more drinking, sloppy dancing, me crying my head off and then throwing up in another girl's room. I woke up the next morning on the floor, wrapped in a blanket and still wearing my dress. When I was finally able to pick my head up I looked over to see one of the new girls passed out in a ball pit. I guess you could say that Formal 2010 was a success. I'm still not sure if I am going to go next year, it all depends on who is going and where I am with my life.
December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)
The wisest decision that I made this year was to transfer out of St. John's and into court reporting school. I have never been happier and have never done so well in school. My motivation has not let up, mostly because I now have a direction in my life. I know that upon graduating I will have a job and be a court reporter. In St. John's I had NO idea what I was going to do after graduation. I knew that I was going to have to be placed on suicide watch because of my student loans though and with an entry-level position in the hospitality industry, had NO clue how I was going to pay them off. Court reporting school is cheaper so my loans will not be too, too bad but I will still have my loans from St. John's to pay off. These are just some of the many reasons why I feel I made the best decision that I could have made for my life.
This was like the third or fourth prompt that the answer has been about school. I guess it really was the best decision I could have made for my life.
December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)
Either this year was just boring or I cannot think right now but I guess I am going to have to go with my sorority's formal that was in the spring. Despite having some fun date drama I still managed to have a good time and get incredibly shit faced. The drinks were not watered down as usually are and I found myself very drunk by the end of cocktail hour. The rest of the night consisted of even more drinking, sloppy dancing, me crying my head off and then throwing up in another girl's room. I woke up the next morning on the floor, wrapped in a blanket and still wearing my dress. When I was finally able to pick my head up I looked over to see one of the new girls passed out in a ball pit. I guess you could say that Formal 2010 was a success. I'm still not sure if I am going to go next year, it all depends on who is going and where I am with my life.
December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)
The wisest decision that I made this year was to transfer out of St. John's and into court reporting school. I have never been happier and have never done so well in school. My motivation has not let up, mostly because I now have a direction in my life. I know that upon graduating I will have a job and be a court reporter. In St. John's I had NO idea what I was going to do after graduation. I knew that I was going to have to be placed on suicide watch because of my student loans though and with an entry-level position in the hospitality industry, had NO clue how I was going to pay them off. Court reporting school is cheaper so my loans will not be too, too bad but I will still have my loans from St. John's to pay off. These are just some of the many reasons why I feel I made the best decision that I could have made for my life.
This was like the third or fourth prompt that the answer has been about school. I guess it really was the best decision I could have made for my life.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Sometimes its better to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.
Here are the two Reverb10 prompts from this weekend that I missed.
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
I guess I just did a lot of wondering about my future and where my life was going. Its not that much different from what I have wondered every other year of my life though.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
I let go of the dream that I had of graduating from St. John's and becoming an event planner (ultimate goal is to open my own catering hall). I am 23 and would be 27 by the time I would have been done with everything, including grad school. I also would be in close to $150,000 worth of debt starting out in an entry-level position in the hospitality industry. Not happening. Now I am much more motivated to go to class and do my work because I know what direction I am heading towards now. Who knows, maybe one day I will eventually open that catering hall but for right now, I know that I am meant to be a court reporter.
I had a lot of fun this weekend thanks to both my family and the guy that I went on the date with. He ended up driving down to PA, going out with us after the wedding and staying over with me. I am still behind on my homework so I am going to go into the details and that and the weekend in general tomorrow.
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
I guess I just did a lot of wondering about my future and where my life was going. Its not that much different from what I have wondered every other year of my life though.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
I let go of the dream that I had of graduating from St. John's and becoming an event planner (ultimate goal is to open my own catering hall). I am 23 and would be 27 by the time I would have been done with everything, including grad school. I also would be in close to $150,000 worth of debt starting out in an entry-level position in the hospitality industry. Not happening. Now I am much more motivated to go to class and do my work because I know what direction I am heading towards now. Who knows, maybe one day I will eventually open that catering hall but for right now, I know that I am meant to be a court reporter.
I had a lot of fun this weekend thanks to both my family and the guy that I went on the date with. He ended up driving down to PA, going out with us after the wedding and staying over with me. I am still behind on my homework so I am going to go into the details and that and the weekend in general tomorrow.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Its always a good idea to make a blog post when you're running late.
So I had such good intentions of being on the road early, getting to East Stroudsberg (whaddup stalkers) during the early afternoon, etc… But I don't think I am going to end up leaving until at least noon. Considering I just woke up, need to pack (i.e. figure out what I am wearing tomorrow), get a quick mani/pedi and then run over to work and settle some business. Yes, I am fucking awesome when it comes to time management. Oh and my mother just texted me, apparently I have to add stopping by my uncle's repair shop to make sure my car can handle the ride. Yeah, I think we're just gonna lie about that one.
So last night I had what I would like to call an Amazing First Date. I have only had a few AFDs in my life so far so this is kind of a big deal and pretty sweet. More deets on that at a later time, I just don't have the time to write about it now and also I don't wanna talk about something until I know what it is. Just know, that it was REALLY GOOD.
I guess I will also get today's Reverb10 out of the way. Obviously I am not going to be able to do tomorrow's on time so Sunday will just be my make-up day. I actually like today's and feel that it is more relevant to my life than my blog (which is my life so that statement makes NO SENSE but whateva).
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
In September during the week I had off from school Dora and I spent a lot of time together and explored a lot of new places (to me at least). One of the places that she took me to was the Gateway National Recreation Area (Great Kills Marina/Park/ish). We parked over by the water and stared out at the marina. It was the end of September and we were by the water so it was very windy but I did not mind. I just stood there, staring out, letting the wind mess up my hair. The water seemed like it just went on forever and the sun's reflection off of it was absolutely beautiful. Dora and I were sitting in different areas just thinking. I was reflecting on the semester that just ended and how far I had come as person in just a short period of time. I have no idea what Dora was thinking of but I hope sitting there helped her find some peace in this rough time that she is going through. Afterwards we cleaned out her trunk, took some great pictures and then explored a little more. When the weather gets warmer I would definitely love to go back out there. Who knew such beauty could exist on Staten Island?
I have a family wedding this weekend and I am kind of excited for it. This is my father's family and while I love that I have contact with them because they are my only link to them, I still need to fully warm up to them. This is my third time in 15 years being around them so I feel that its only normal. The last Pennsylvania wedding that I went to was um, different then what I was expecting so I am definitely curious to see what happens at this one.
Well, I'm off to shower/pack/complete my laundry list and definitely get a last minute cuddling session with my dog. Have a great weekend!!
So last night I had what I would like to call an Amazing First Date. I have only had a few AFDs in my life so far so this is kind of a big deal and pretty sweet. More deets on that at a later time, I just don't have the time to write about it now and also I don't wanna talk about something until I know what it is. Just know, that it was REALLY GOOD.
I guess I will also get today's Reverb10 out of the way. Obviously I am not going to be able to do tomorrow's on time so Sunday will just be my make-up day. I actually like today's and feel that it is more relevant to my life than my blog (which is my life so that statement makes NO SENSE but whateva).
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
In September during the week I had off from school Dora and I spent a lot of time together and explored a lot of new places (to me at least). One of the places that she took me to was the Gateway National Recreation Area (Great Kills Marina/Park/ish). We parked over by the water and stared out at the marina. It was the end of September and we were by the water so it was very windy but I did not mind. I just stood there, staring out, letting the wind mess up my hair. The water seemed like it just went on forever and the sun's reflection off of it was absolutely beautiful. Dora and I were sitting in different areas just thinking. I was reflecting on the semester that just ended and how far I had come as person in just a short period of time. I have no idea what Dora was thinking of but I hope sitting there helped her find some peace in this rough time that she is going through. Afterwards we cleaned out her trunk, took some great pictures and then explored a little more. When the weather gets warmer I would definitely love to go back out there. Who knew such beauty could exist on Staten Island?
I have a family wedding this weekend and I am kind of excited for it. This is my father's family and while I love that I have contact with them because they are my only link to them, I still need to fully warm up to them. This is my third time in 15 years being around them so I feel that its only normal. The last Pennsylvania wedding that I went to was um, different then what I was expecting so I am definitely curious to see what happens at this one.
Well, I'm off to shower/pack/complete my laundry list and definitely get a last minute cuddling session with my dog. Have a great weekend!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
100th Post and Reverb10
Today is kind of a blogging milestone for me - its my 100th post! I usually don't keep up with things so the fact that I kept up with somewhat-regular posts (I missed a month or two somewhere) must really say something. I'm not going to do a a review of all my posts because I plan to do one later this month for the upcoming new year. I first started this blog in May of 2009 with the title "A Single Girl in the City" thinking that I was going to write all about my adventures with being newly single in New York City but that never happened. I had met Minute Man that summer, never got to act single and forgot that I had made a blog. January of this year I remembered this blog and decided to keep the title because I had no clue what direction I wanted to take this in. I was in such a different place from where I am now. I had no job and basically no direction in life. In one of my earlier posts from January I decided that 2010 was going to be the Year of Nikki and I almost feel that it has been. The job opportunity1 that I mentioned in that post ended up becoming a reality and I have been there almost a year now. I knew that I needed to make a change in my life in order to survive, I just had no idea what that change would be.
I am also participating Reverb10 this year.
Each day in December you get a prompt on something to post that reflects on the past year and helps you look forward to the new one.
December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)
I guess in going with this post and what I have done this year my word for 2010 would have to be CHANGE. I know that it is cliche but this year has just brought forth so many changes that have all been for the better, even if I had not felt so at the time. The word I hope will capture 2011 will be SUCCESS. Yes, its another cliche but by this time next year I want to be healthier, happier and most of all, I want to be typing at (or very close) to 225 wpm. I know this is an achievable goal, because of the many people I have seen in school complete this in the same timeline. I know that I have the mindset for this, I hear it all the time. I also know how I am and that if I put my mind to this, practice just a little more each day, I can definitely achieve this goal. I desperately want to run the 2012 ING NYC Marathon and by this time next year I would need to have made some serious steps towards this goal. I just hope that somewhere I can find the strength and motivation to do this because I know how proud of myself and how much happier I will be.
What would your word for 2010 be?
1. Ironically, the hot guy that aided in getting me the job is now the manager at my branch.
I am also participating Reverb10 this year.
Each day in December you get a prompt on something to post that reflects on the past year and helps you look forward to the new one.
December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)
I guess in going with this post and what I have done this year my word for 2010 would have to be CHANGE. I know that it is cliche but this year has just brought forth so many changes that have all been for the better, even if I had not felt so at the time. The word I hope will capture 2011 will be SUCCESS. Yes, its another cliche but by this time next year I want to be healthier, happier and most of all, I want to be typing at (or very close) to 225 wpm. I know this is an achievable goal, because of the many people I have seen in school complete this in the same timeline. I know that I have the mindset for this, I hear it all the time. I also know how I am and that if I put my mind to this, practice just a little more each day, I can definitely achieve this goal. I desperately want to run the 2012 ING NYC Marathon and by this time next year I would need to have made some serious steps towards this goal. I just hope that somewhere I can find the strength and motivation to do this because I know how proud of myself and how much happier I will be.
What would your word for 2010 be?
1. Ironically, the hot guy that aided in getting me the job is now the manager at my branch.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Well since it is Thanksgiving...
I don't care if its cliche, I am making a post of all the things that I am thankful for. I am thankful for -
MY FAMILY Whatever, we don't always get along and its definitely not normal but that does not change what they mean to me.
MY (CLOSE) FRIENDS The ones who know how crazy I am yet still love me. The friends that I could go to for anything and know that even though I might sometimes be yelled at for it, they will never judge me.
MY HEALTH Because yanno, its nice to be alive.
MY JOB The economy fucking sucks. I feel fortunate enough to not only have a job but one that I like and make decent money at. Its great for working part-time and still going to school.
FINALLY KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO DO This one is a biggie. I've spent many years of my life unhappy and just not feeling complete because I never knew what I wanted to do. My life has improved tenfold, even things like my confidence have gotten better because I know how a direction. I am thankful that I finally figured it out.
That's my list for this year! Happy Thanksgiving : )
MY FAMILY Whatever, we don't always get along and its definitely not normal but that does not change what they mean to me.
MY (CLOSE) FRIENDS The ones who know how crazy I am yet still love me. The friends that I could go to for anything and know that even though I might sometimes be yelled at for it, they will never judge me.
MY HEALTH Because yanno, its nice to be alive.
MY JOB The economy fucking sucks. I feel fortunate enough to not only have a job but one that I like and make decent money at. Its great for working part-time and still going to school.
FINALLY KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO DO This one is a biggie. I've spent many years of my life unhappy and just not feeling complete because I never knew what I wanted to do. My life has improved tenfold, even things like my confidence have gotten better because I know how a direction. I am thankful that I finally figured it out.
That's my list for this year! Happy Thanksgiving : )
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Massive feeling of accomplishment
In all of my years at school I have never done this well. I just amazes me how much I am able to accomplish when I put my mind to it but at the same time it also angers me because I didn't have to waste three years of my life but not doing what I needed to. Whatever, this post is not to dwell on the past and the what-ifs, its to celebrate how much I am kicking school's ass right now.
This week was probably the busiest one I have had yet, I had midterms in both medical AND legal terminology and my first speed test. I was actually kind of nervous about it. Not because I was afraid I wouldn't pass it, its fucking 20 words per minute if I can't pass that then obviously I am not cut out to be a court reporter. It was more because we are now starting speed and the whole thing is becoming real. Its not secret around school how frustrating it is to build up speed and all the time you hear about people failing tests and being stuck at a certain speed (both are inevitable) and I am just nervous for that. I am nervous because 99% of the time -- the only exception being when I pledged my sorority -- I have given up when things are gotten rough. Right now it is easy because 20 words a minute is not that fast, at all and given how much I practice I should have NO problem getting my 30, 40 or even 50. Its after that I am nervous about because a lot of people I know have gotten stuck at 70. I just don't want to get frustrated and give up. I have to keep remembering that there is a reason this profession pays so well and that just because other people give up does not mean that I have to as well. It all depends on me now and how much I practice, that and that alone will determine how well I succeed at this.
So how have I done on my tests this week you wonder? I got a 100 on medical terminology AND a steno test that I took last week. And my 20 wpm? I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING 100!!! I seriously feel like it is a right of passage that we are in speed now. Let's hope I kick my 30 wpm's ass too. I have my legal terminology midterm tomorrow and I have been studying my ass off for it so hopefully I do just as well on it.
Also, last semester I made the Dean's List for the first time in my life (and crossed it off my my 101 in 1001) and today our school had a little shindig where they handed us out certificates.
Oh yeah. Dean's List yeah.
Anyway off to study for legal terminology. Have a great weekend lovelies!
This week was probably the busiest one I have had yet, I had midterms in both medical AND legal terminology and my first speed test. I was actually kind of nervous about it. Not because I was afraid I wouldn't pass it, its fucking 20 words per minute if I can't pass that then obviously I am not cut out to be a court reporter. It was more because we are now starting speed and the whole thing is becoming real. Its not secret around school how frustrating it is to build up speed and all the time you hear about people failing tests and being stuck at a certain speed (both are inevitable) and I am just nervous for that. I am nervous because 99% of the time -- the only exception being when I pledged my sorority -- I have given up when things are gotten rough. Right now it is easy because 20 words a minute is not that fast, at all and given how much I practice I should have NO problem getting my 30, 40 or even 50. Its after that I am nervous about because a lot of people I know have gotten stuck at 70. I just don't want to get frustrated and give up. I have to keep remembering that there is a reason this profession pays so well and that just because other people give up does not mean that I have to as well. It all depends on me now and how much I practice, that and that alone will determine how well I succeed at this.
So how have I done on my tests this week you wonder? I got a 100 on medical terminology AND a steno test that I took last week. And my 20 wpm? I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING 100!!! I seriously feel like it is a right of passage that we are in speed now. Let's hope I kick my 30 wpm's ass too. I have my legal terminology midterm tomorrow and I have been studying my ass off for it so hopefully I do just as well on it.
Also, last semester I made the Dean's List for the first time in my life (and crossed it off my my 101 in 1001) and today our school had a little shindig where they handed us out certificates.
Oh yeah. Dean's List yeah.
Anyway off to study for legal terminology. Have a great weekend lovelies!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Why I am never downloading another app on my phone again.
For those who do not know, a few weeks ago I traded in my beloved BlackBerry for a Droid phone. I ended up getting the Samsung Fascinate and I am in love with it and all of the cool things that it can do. The only thing I was missing was BBM. Most of my friends have BBM so it was just an easy way to keep in touch with everyone. Recently they came out with this new messenger named KiK that can be used with ALL smart phones. Intrigued and still mourning over BBM, I decided to download it. To make things easier KiK decides to make a list of "People you may know" and update it every time someone knew creates an account. I was fine with seeing friends of Minute Man pop up, even OK with seeing the Security Guard come up on my list and IM me. However, what happened this morning while I was sitting in my legal terminology class was just the last straw. I decided to open the application and what pops up on my screen? "You may know TIGHT WAD" … Yeah, NO SHIT I know him. I only dated him for three fucking YEARS. I have not seen or spoken to him in two years and honestly seeing his name just sort of threw me for a loop. I quickly closed the application and put my phone away in my bag. The guy who sits next to me turned to me and said that I looked like I just saw a ghost. I did, I saw a ghost of my relationships past.
For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.
Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.
Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.
For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.
Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.
Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.
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