Jesus was never my homeboy.

One would think that 18+ years of a going to a catholic school would shape me into your normal bible-banging slut, but actually it has done the exact opposite. Religion is not one of the things that I prefer having shoved down my throat (snicker) and I don't remember the last time that I went to church other than for a wedding or funeral. As most Catholics and anyone with a Twitter account knows, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - also known as the beginning of Lent. Catholic tradition is to abstain from something for 40 days during the Lent season, which ends on Easter Sunday. On top of what you choose to give up you should also abstain from eating meat on Ash Wednesday and Fridays. If memory serves me right, this is to symbolize the suffering that Jesus did for us. Well now that I have given you all a religion lesson, onto why this concerns me.

I have decided to participate in the Lenten tradition and abstain from something for the next 40 days. Since being on Jenny Craig means that I am already not having unhealthy foods, I choose to abstain from alcohol and napping. I always ruin my perfect week with drinking on Saturday night so obviously this will be a huge help to me. Also napping because I am far too lazy and definitely need to practice and increase my gym routine. I don't think I am going to go as far as attending church regularly but this is definitely something that I could see working to my advantage. The only disadvantage is that I am most likely going to get shitfaced on Easter. I got shitfaced on Christmas Eve and was a babbling mess who ended up making my mother cry. Not from her shame but from the jokes that my cousin and I were saying about her. To think, she actually has said that I don't have a sense of humor.

In other news, as of this Friday I will officially be credit card debt free!! I cannot begin to tell you how much of a relief this is, I can actually begin to build my savings account back up. Of course I still have about 10 million to pay back in student loans. Unfortunately I will not be able to pay these off as quickly as I did with my other bills.

Well since it is Thanksgiving...

I don't care if its cliche, I am making a post of all the things that I am thankful for. I am thankful for -

MY FAMILY Whatever, we don't always get along and its definitely not normal but that does not change what they mean to me.

MY (CLOSE) FRIENDS The ones who know how crazy I am yet still love me. The friends that I could go to for anything and know that even though I might sometimes be yelled at for it, they will never judge me.

MY HEALTH Because yanno, its nice to be alive.

MY JOB The economy fucking sucks. I feel fortunate enough to not only have a job but one that I like and make decent money at. Its great for working part-time and still going to school.

FINALLY KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO DO This one is a biggie. I've spent many years of my life unhappy and just not feeling complete because I never knew what I wanted to do. My life has improved tenfold, even things like my confidence have gotten better because I know how a direction. I am thankful that I finally figured it out.

That's my list for this year! Happy Thanksgiving : )

Songs that will always mean something to you...

Inspired from a tweet by Ashley Zarlin I decided to make a list of the songs that I would never forget. Everyone has them, those certain songs that will almost bring you back to a point in your life when you hear them. Here are my top 10 (because really this list could go on forever) -

10) Your Song - Elton John.
This is one of my ALL TIME favorite love songs. In a creepy moment The Security Guard sang this to me but it wasn't as romantic as I had always imagined. It was kinda creepy and a wee-bit too much for a first date. This song will be played at my wedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8

9) Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre & Eminem
This song was my shit back in 7th and 8th grade. I remember requesting this on TRL non-stop until it was retired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFcv5Ma8u8k&feature=channel

8) Oops! I Did It Again - Britney Spears
Obsessed was not the word!! I remember watching the Making The Video for this and DYING. On a more embarrassing note I recently found my diary from when I was younger and in an entry I actually wrote about being sad over this video's retirement from TRL. True story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CduA0TULnow

7) Big GIrls Don't Cry - Fergie
This song is basically what gave me the balls to attempt (he pulled me back once he realized what he was doing) to walk away from Tight Wad after the Shitstorm (or the whole summer) of 2007. It just reminds me of trying to be strong when I was being knocked down to the floor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6sqA9QtV5I

6) Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
I believe this song is still my voicemail message. This song always reminds me of going to summer camp when I was younger and everyone singing it on the bus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfRNRymrv9k

5) Suga Suga - Baby Bash
I hear this song and automatically I am brought back to my junior year of high school. No matter what this will ALWAYS bring a smile to my face and I think Dora knows why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rgStv12dwA

4) You Make Me Wanna - Usher
Holy 5th grade Batman! This song will forever remind me of grammar school and to this day I still blast in when I hear it on the radio as an "oldie" (eye roll)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQRzrnH6_HY

3) I Like The Way You Work It (No Diggity) - BlackStreet
Another grammar school memory, except this is maybe 4th or even 3rd grade. About a decade later I would hear this song again and go on to have a rather slut-tastic drunken moment to it in the basement of a frat house. For many reasons, this song is without a doubt a classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KL9mRus19o

2) *NSYNC - This I Promise You
I actually went to their No Strings Attached tour in 2001 and CRIED when the stage came out and they sang this. To this day this song turns me into mush and no matter what my future husband says, this WILL be our wedding song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45aGsuOcQO8

1) Gold Digger - Kanye West ft Jamie Foxx
This song was the number one song on my 18th birthday which apparently makes it my "Life theme song". Not only does it remind me of my 18th birthday but when I first started college. I remember driving like a mad-woman up to campus during pledging with this blasting. Will never fail to remind me of that time and bring a smile to my face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

What are some songs that you will never forget?

The innocence of childhood...

When you're a little kid you ALWAYS have these real shoot-for-the-stars kind of dreams that you could be or doing anything that you want to in this world. When you get a little older, maybe middle school-high school those dreams change into more realistic ones and then as you approach the real world the reality sets in. You realize that you most likely will not be achieving those dreams and that are you in fact not as incredible as you once thought you were. I'd love to have a little kid's mentality again, so naive and innocent, imagining (and believing) that you had the world at your fingertips. You know, the way that you look at the world before you experience personal failure and heartache, before you learned to expect nothing so that way you would avoid any disappointment. I would like to think that as a child I probably was not neurotic. Actually scratch that, I had social anxiety. So ok, maybe I did have issues back then as well but I wasn't aware of them yet so I guess I did not worry about them much.

As a child my babysitter was the television and from watching re-runs of I Love Lucy and Saturday Night Live I fell in love with both Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner. I touched into my past Lucy obsession in this post. I always saw Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner as these two women who were hilarious and stopped at nothing to make people laugh. My far-fetched childhood dream was to be a cast member on Saturday Night Live. I guess young Nikki thought older Nikki would actually be funny but unfortunately, I was wrong. Not saying that I don't make my friends laugh because I definitely do, but I am definitely not up to par with a cast member of the show. I take that back, with recent seasons I definitely am as funny if not funnier than half the cast members on now but that really is not saying much given the show sucks right now.

What was your far-fetched dream as a child?

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Don't worry - I have not abandoned this blog! I am actually in the process of writing a post and so far it has been taking my four days to complete. Neurosis/procrastination at its finest!

So today I am 23... That's kind of a scary thing. I mean, I'm not dreading it like I was my 22nd birthday but it just feels weird to me. I would kill to go back to 5 years ago this time. I was going to meet this guy that I met off of facebook (FB was ONLY for college kids back then, so it was legit lol) who lived in Long Island. I was driving there with two of my friends that I had met during freshman orientation and even though we did not get to hang out with my guy, we had a blast just having dinner in this random diner in Syosset, Long Island. Lesson learned, of course but still a fun night. I also remember that recruitment had just ended and that next morning I had a missed call from my would-be pledge mistress, telling me that she was giving me a bid to join the sorority. Things are done a lot differently now-a-days but I remember that seriously made my birthday. So much has changed in my life since then. For one, I was only on TAKE ONE of college and had yet to assfuck my life. Second, I had yet to fall in love. I did not meet Tight Wad until a couple of months later and although looking back that relationship was anything but ideal, I am still forever grateful for what I learned during it. I guess everything happens for a reason...

Cutting this short because its my birthday and I need my beauty rest!

fuck you, fuck you very very much

So last night Dora and I had some much-needed alone time and where else to spend it but Chevy's. As of Friday Dora became FUNemployed so we had to go out and celebrate how much life is shitting on her at the moment. We ended up requesting our new favorite waiter Angel. He remembered us and we really had great conversation with him and OMG he is just fucking fabulous. I die. Dora and I were telling him about when we worked in a restaurant in high school (this is how we met) which turned into the three of us exchanging crazy stories. Apparently Angel, who is not one for hiding his sexuality (not that he should have to) and has actually faced discrimination for it at work. I could not believe that he has actually had tables call him a "fucking faggot" and to his face, no less. I was happy to hear that he comes from a very open family who accepted him for who he is but I just wish that he could have that everywhere he goes. He is just there to make money, plain and simple and that is something that everyone needs to get by.

This almost reminds me of when I was in high school. I went to a catholic all-girls high school and girls were famous for being gay there, almost to the point of it being the cool thing to do. I remember speaking to a girl in my classes about my dreams for getting married and having this lavish wedding and she turned around and said that she had the same dream, only she was not able to see it come true, based on who she loves. That was kind of my wake-up call to realize how unfair it really was. I feel that I would be the same person, regardless if I was gay or straight. That means that I would still want my dream wedding and to think that I could be denied this and basically a right to my happiness is almost sickening. A few years ago for speech class I did a persuasive speech on the sanctity of marriage and basically in my research realized how that all is a bunch of bullshit. I mean hell, I know of a couple (straight) who was married in May and is already getting a divorce. It is almost like marriage is a joke to us and it is kind of like a slap in the face to same sex couples because we are abusing something that they are not allowed to do. Marriage should not be just between a man and a woman but between two people who love each other. I guess I am speaking to the choir here. Its funny because I consider myself to be a person with conservative views as far as politics are concerned but this is just something that I feel is not right. Like who the hell am I to judge if someone can marry their true love or not. Another reason why this is on my mind is because of LZ. I'm not even going to say who she is to me in my life because God forbid someone finds this post but she is in love with another girl. I doubt she is a lesbian because as long as I've known her she has been attracted to men and she still is but she just happened to fall in love with a girl. The very sad part is that very few people know about this. It just makes me think back to my first love, everyone in this world knew about Tight Wad and how excited/happy I was. LZ feels the exact same way only she cannot share it with the people she is closest to, her family. She comes from an extremely conservative family (her and her siblings have not had a sip of alcohol until their 21st birthdays) and she fears that once they find out about her relationship (its been almost 5 months) they will kick her out of her house. Its strange because while I am so happy for them (they are ADORABLE together) I just feel so sad for them all at the same time.

After Dora and I left Chevy's the financial situation left us listening to Lily Allen in the car for a while. I am her new biggest fan, her songs are absolutely amazing! One of them in particular just summed up the conversation for the evening and ended up being the title of this post. This is just the way that I see things, I am a very conservative person, especially with topics such as welfare and immigration but others I feel that as long as you are not hurting others/the economy, which in turn hurts others - then you should be free to live your life as you please. The only thing that offends me about Angel is that he has better eyebrows than I do. But his are drawn on, so he's a little cheater at that one. I'm gonna get all Dr. Martin Luther King on ya'll but I sincerely hope that the world that my children live in is better than the one we are in now.

A permanent change...

So I'm not sure if you've noticed but I totally re-named this blog, again. I think this one is a keeper though. However, since changing it I have lost two followers so either a) they did not recognize the name/blog and got rid of it or b) my writing it shit and sucks and I suck. Unfortunately, it is probably the latter. When I have the free time I will definitely try to make a new header/fix my layout so that everything matches.

I went on a ginormous shopping spree at Lane Bryant and for the most part I am pretty set as far as fall clothes are concerned. I also decided to "Fall clean" (thanks to my blogger crush for that term) my room and got about as far as my closet. I cleaned out all of the shelves that are in my closet and dumped everything out onto my bed. It look horrifying and the mound was as tall as me. So then I went to Bed Bath and Friggin Beyond and purchased a shitload of organization canvas baskets. I threw out so much stuff, things that I forgot that I even owned. I've always been good about throwing things out though, I am sentimental yet practical. And just too much of a neat freak for my own good. After dirt-deviling my shelves (a necessary thing) I sorted everything into bins by categories and 5 hours, 10 bins and 2 HUGE garbage bags later, I was done. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. Next up? My drawers. My drawers are a disaster area and I have so much wasted space. I probably would be able to fit all of clothes in my room if I just organized my drawers. I guess I will leave that and finally finishing my bedroom (decorating) for the full week that I am off. I took off of work that week too because well fuck, I earned it! I am so damn proud of myself after this semester and the fact that I managed to do well at my job at the same time (something I have never done) that I might as well have a party.

Speaking of parties... I have decided what I am going to do for my 23rd birthday - go to Jose Tejas! For those unfortunate enough not to know what that is, it is basically a Tex-Mex restaurant that is not only cheap but the food is amazing! I had a really hard time with the facebook invite for this lol. I did not want to cause drama by leaving people out but lets just say that I hope that not everyone shows up.

I've decided that September 1st will bring forth many permanent changes in my life. I will not smoke anymore. Its mainly just a stress thing but its really not healthy for me and plus its disgusting. I will also try to exercise and definitely monitor/control my eating. Of course September 17 will be the exception but I just really want to change my life. Succeeding in work and school really gave me the feeling that I truly can do anything if I put my mind to it. Lets just hope that I can maintain this burst of energy/motivation that I seem to have. If anything, I always have this blog to help me with it.

it took almost 23 years but i think i figured something out

So today is August 10th (almost the middle of August) which means that my birthday is in exactly five weeks. Wow, 23 years old. Oddly enough I am not as upset as I was when I turned 22. All I could think about was how I was no longer 21 and starting to get older. What really depressed me though was that I was turning 22, had a minimum wage job where I was given only 8 hours a week and was basically in my sophomore year of college. There is nothing wrong with being 22 however, there is something wrong with being 22 and having the same lifestyle of a 19 year old. THAT is what I was being faced with. As I read back to the posts that I wrote around New Year's I can see that I just wanted this year to be different. I wanted to free myself from being trapped with the life of a 19 year old. I know that I have messed up in the past but I needed it to stop holding me back in the future. Hell, even six months ago I would not think that I would be where I am right now. I was not even hired at the bank yet, much less a court reporting student. I just feel like so much has changed in my life and for the better.

I am actually looking forward to my job. I have a decent paying job that I love and make good money and I am doing very well in school. I'm finally on my way to being in adult and I truly feel happy with life. It would be lovely to have a boyfriend, I'm sure but at least the more important aspects of my life are being taken care of.

This gets me to the main idea of this post. I have two years until my 25th birthday. Now THAT is scary. I do have a few goals that I would like to accomplish before that. By my 25th birthday - I would like to have graduated and be a freelance court reporter. This is VERY possible. Also, I want to have lost all the weight I want to/be healthy and be in the middle of training for the 2012 NYC Marathon. This I'm not so sure if it is possible. I mean, it could happen. Whether or not it is possible is entirely up to me. I would love for it to happen though, I am not getting younger and I am sure eventually my health will catch up with me. I just want every part of my life to be complete and just how getting job and finally figuring out what I wanted to do with my life have helped, I feel this will as well. Since I am terrible at dieting, I am just going to start with making smarter choices, such as not drinking soda anymore and not eating out as much. Its not that I eat poorly, I just do not exercise in any way, shape or form. Since the dog loves going out maybe I should just stop making excuses and start small with that? I mean, something is better than nothing, which is what I am currently doing. I am so proud of myself for all I have done in these past six months, I want to be able to look back in two years at all I have been able to accomplish with this as well.

I just hope I could finally figure out something that I can stick with.

Getting to Know You (AKA I'm just bored in class)

So I decided to do the Getting to Know You thing with MannLand because I am bored in class lol. If you want to participate as well, go to that site and just post/link up!

1. Do you think mustaches are sexy?
Not in the least bit! I don't find facial hair sexy, period.

2. What's the last concert you've been to?
*NSYNC - No Strings Attached tour in 2001. I tried changing this and going to a Lady Gaga one this summer but I was unable to get tickets.

3. What was your favorite 80s sitcom?
I was only 3 when the 80's ended. Would Roseanne count?! It did premiere in the 80's and was one of my favorite shows when I was younger.

4. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, my daddy. His name was Nicholas Joseph and my name is Nikki Jo.

5. When you buy new clothes, do you wash before wearing?
Only jeans and bras/underwear.

6. If you didn't blog what would you do with your spare time?
Probably FaceBook so THANK GOD for this blog lol.

7. What is your favorite department store?
Definitely Macy*s, they have EVERYTHING!

8. If you were to get laser hair removal, where would you get it?
Would it be possible to get your um, who-hah hair laser removed? If so, definitely that!

In desperate need of a mental health day here

I have actually taken two mental health days from school very recently, both by complete accident. I'm not at my limit for absences but I am also not too far as well so I definitely need to keep that in check. However, both of those "mental health days" were days that I had work as well, so I really did not have a full day off. Right now, that is what I need more than anything, a full day off where I don't have school or work. I really don't know what I would do with myself. I would probably wake up earlier since my body is somewhat used to it, go to the gym and then the pool when I get home. I have only been in a pool once this summer and have yet to lay out in the sun. I am so pale, you would not think that this was the end of July. Speaking of which, this means that we are a mere six weeks away from fall/my birthday/end of the semester! I never thought I would be wishing the summer away but I need something.

So I finally found a way to manage my credit card debt. Granted, its only a minor amount of debt (thank GOD for that!), I was still having trouble finding a way to pay it all off in a timely fashion and not be flat broke. I applied for major credit card and was approved with a high enough limit to transfer all of my balances over to it. Also, for a year I have no interest on balance transfers! I seriously feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders, I now have a way to pay off all of this debt and I can still have money in my pocket so I don't end up charging back up the cards that I paid off. I think to also cut back on costs instead of getting a $25 gel manicure (that still chips because of work) AND a pedicure every two weeks, I could learn how to paint my own nails and save $50 a month.

I hope to accomplish some of the money saving tasks I have on my Day Zero Project by the end of this year!

How do you manage to save money?

i feel pretty, oh so pretty

So I took a little extra time to really do my makeup nice this morning. Actually, scratch that, I did my makeup the same excessive way I do every day but this morning I did something different, I put lipgloss on. WHO KNEW that something as simple as putting lipgloss on could boast one's confidence at least 10%?! I wear the same full face of makeup day in and day out and never leave the house without feeling pretty, yet all it takes it some pink goop on my lips and VIOLA! I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

OH I FEEL PRETTY and WITTY AND BRIGHT! AND I PITY...

OK, back to the post.

Last night Electric Man cancelled on me, again for work-related purposes. Now honestly, I don't blame him because I would have done the same thing but at the same time, how many times does he think this is going to fly? I mean the poor thing has already used up two of his three strikes and I have not even met him yet. Last night Dora definitely brought up some valid points for this, that maybe he is nervous/weary about this because he did not go on the website to look for a girl, he just happened to stumble across my ad. I totally respect that and all but let's face fact here, I am fucking amazing. Somewhat insane but still, amazing. It really would be his loss if he chooses to not pursue anything or see where it could go.

Let me just come off my high horse a little...

I so got to thinking at that particular ad that I posted that he responded to. It was almost a joke ad, poking fun at the Ricky Retardos that had answered my two previous ads. I did not expect any feedback except negative, which I did receive some of. I totally used my fucked up sense of humor and almost accidentally, displayed my personality in this ad and ended up getting a response from someone who appreciates it, which is exactly what I need. A recent post by Carrie Bradshaw is full of shit definitely got me thinking that if I were to write my ad on eharmony in this style, what would it say? I might include how messed up/offensive my sense of humor can get, that I love to tell stories and will never shut up, and how up until very recently I thought that Mexico was its own little entity, surrounded by water. I need a man who will enjoy my sense of humor and appreciate the quirks that I have.

I know I will find this man (or he will find me) eventually but its just annoying when something seems like it would go well and then it just does not happen. That is life though and I have a lot to be grateful for if this is my only issue right now.

Dog days of summer...

So New York City is in the middle of yet another heat wave. Normally by this time of the year, I would have a beautiful cinnamon tan and my hair would even be half a shade later. No, not this summer. If I am not at school from Mon-Thurs all day, I am at work Fri-Sun all day. It leaves me zero time to tan/relax and I have yet to go to the beach this year. One thing that I am thankful for I guess is that I work my weekends away in an air conditioned bank so when customers come in all hot and bothered, I am most likely chilled at room temperature, enjoying myself.

I am going to go ahead and blame my lack of posting on my hectic schedule and the heat. I think of great ideas for posts but I usually cannot find the time to post them. Even when I have an extra half hour to spare, I sometimes cannot find a way to start the post and get my idea across. I promise you, this will go back to normal, just like the weather. We are not even in August yet and I am already sick of this! Last summer, I would have given everything I had to make it last longer. This year? I am just counting down the days until my birthday, which also happens to be the last day of my semester. Its not like I get a break between semesters, just that one weekend but still, it will feel amazing to be done with atleast some of this program. I can't wait for the fall colors to come back in, to be able to wear my uggs again and to sip pumpkin spice lattes. Also, to celebrate my 23rd birthday. I've yet to actually celebrate my birthday like I should but I don't think I can this year, funds are still extremely low.

Speaking of low funds, Marathoner's birthday is coming up next month and she finally figured out what she wanted to do. She wants everyone to go to this casino in Bethlehem, PA. Not bad, its probably cheaper than AC. I was thinking that I would drive out there after work on Saturday (the day of) and just take off the Sunday to stay over and drive back. So that way, I would only miss one day of my weekend, where the bulk of my paycheck comes from. I found out last night that she is spending the DAY at the casino. I don't mean to sound selfish and all, I know she is one of my best friends and she IS moving back to PA this fall (more on that one later) but I simply cannot afford to take a Saturday off.

Tonight is my first date with Electric Man. It was supposed to be on Saturday but he got called in to work so tonight it is. Wish my luck, lets hope I don't fuck this one up!

Oh and she'll have a shot of the 1800, thanks.

Last night I went out with Dora who was in much need of a night out. I hope I at least succeeded in taking her mind off of things and having her kick back.

So FINALLY I am on vacation! However, its only from school and unfortunately I happen to work at the one bank that is open on Sunday (including the 4th of July). At least I will finally get to the beach this summer. Usually by this time I am a different race but I am so pale right now, it sucks.

Speaking of summer, a year ago today Michael Jackson died. I still remember how I found out, I was laying on my couch doing nothing and Minute Man texted me because he heard about as he was driving home from work. A lot has changed in that year, for one I was with Minute Man and things were amazing. I was working at Lane Bryant, made absolutely no money and pretty much hated it. I was about to start at St. John's again, trying to prove to everyone that I was capable of sticking it out there. Oh, and I was extremely tan. That weekend I was going up to the poconos for my half-niece's wedding and getting reacquainted with a family that I have not seen in over a decade. I made the drive by myself because this was something I knew that I had to do alone. I saw many pictures that weekend and heard stories about my father that I never knew.

Now, only three hundred and sixty-five days later, so much has changed. I am pale as shit, have not spoke to Minute Man (who has a girlfriend) in a few months, I love my job and I make decent money, and I will never set foot in St. John's again. Instead, I am well on my way to becoming a court reporter. I also keep contact with my father's family and its great because I feel they are my one connection to him.

HOW MUCH HAVE YOUR LIVES CHANGED IN ONE YEAR?

the moral of this blog is...

I was reading some blogging advice earlier and one of the things that people kept repeating over and over in their comments was to register my own domain. Since google offers it for the low price of $10 a year, it seems very reasonable. Also, it transfers everything over from your current blog to the next so it is something that I might end up doing. That got me thinking, what would I name my blog? I started this blog back in spring of last year as a way of documenting my life as a single girl in New York City. I was finally 21 and envisioned myself as going out on the town with my friends every weekend, meeting men and then writing about it à la Carrie Bradshaw. That did not take off so well. I ended up meeting someone during the summer and forgot about this blog. I tried to pick it back up this year and I feel I am doing pretty well so far.

Then I realized something ....

I am NOT Carrie Bradshaw. I am not middle-aged, living in my rent controlled apartment on the upper east side, buying CRAZY expensive clothing and shoes on my freelance magazine writer's salary. I am Nikki. I am 22 years old, living with my mom in Staten Island, saving most of my bank teller's salary to pay off small debts and student loans. There is a BIG difference here. I don't feel that my relationship status makes me who I am or should make my blog what it is for that matter. Granted, I made the fatal mistake of signing up for eharmony but even that is not something that I am always writing about. I guess I no longer feel that the title of this blog is appropriate. I will get around to coming up with something new, maybe when I buy paint shop pro 9 and can make a new header for myself.

So until I can decide on what exactly my blog is about, I will not register ANY domain name. Unfortunately, nikkiisapsychopath.com seems like it would be a little too long for people to remember.

one is (so not) the loneliest number

So tonight I was out to dinner with one of my co-workers (ironically, this is the only one that I complain about from time to time) who is the same age as I am and also single. The conversations that we had got me thinking and I finally came to the realization that I am fine being single. I am only 22, I still have plenty of time to find a man. Also I don't feel that I am in the right point of my life to start a serious relationship. If anything, I'm sure I could casually find the time to date someone but as far as establishing a serious relationship goes, I am already in one with my steno. Oh yes, that is what my machine looks like. It is a loaner from the school and hopefully we are getting our real ones soon! Anyway, back on topic. I don't think I want another relationship until I am done with school and working. I just will have my life settled by then and maybe I will be looking to settle down. Of course, if I happen to meet "the one" before then, I won't push him away. I am just no longer concerned or feeling that I am missing out because I am single. I figure that these are going to be the best years of my life, especially after I finish school, start working and have the money to do things that I want to. I without a doubt want to travel before settling down. Sure, traveling with your significant other would be fun but I want to do it with my friends mainly. I don't think I have to worry about not finding someone at my age. In five or so years, when I am inching closer to 30, THEN I will start to get concerned ;) I always told my cousin that if I am not married or in a serious relationship by my 30th birthday that she has to buy me my first cat. In all seriousness, I'll meet him when the time is right.

Not a Michael Buble person but this line definitely sums up how I feel -

"Wherever you are, whenever its right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life"

Give me a few months, once it gets to the winter time I will definitely be longing for someone to cuddle up and stay in with during a snow storm.

all these things that i've done

Thanks Christy!

BOLD what you have done in life.

1. started your own blog
2. slept under the stars
3. played in a band
4. visited Hawaii
5. watched a meteor shower
6. given more to charity than you could afford to
7. been to Disney
8. climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis
10. sung a solo
11. bungee jumped
12. visited Paris
13. watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. taught yourself an art from scratch
15. adopted a child
16. had food poisoning
17. walked to the top of the statue of liberty
18. grown your own vegetables
19. seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. slept on an overnight train
21. had a pillow fight
22. hitch hiked
23. taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. built a snow fort
25. held a lamb
26. gone skinny dipping
27. run a marathon
28. ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. seen a total eclipse
30. watched a sunrise or sunset
31. hit a home run
32. been on a cruise
33. seen Niagara falls in person
34. visited the birthplace of your ancestors (well, one side of the family!)
35. seen an Amish community
36. taught yourself a new language
37. had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person
39. gone rock climbing
40. seen Michelangelo’s David in person
41. sung karaoke
42. seen old faithful erupt
43. bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - I brought a homeless woman soup on a hot day
44. visited Africa
45. walked on a beach by moonlight
46. been transported in an ambulance - Not for me though
47. had your portrait painted
48. gone deep sea fishing
49. seen the Sistine chapel in person
50. been to the top of the Eiffel tower in Paris
51. gone scuba diving or snorkelling
52. kissed in the rain
53. played in the mud
54. gone to a drive-in theatre
55. been in a movie
56. visited the great wall of china
57. started a business
58. taken a martial arts class
59. visited Russia
60. served at a soup kitchen
61. sold girl scout cookies
62. gone whale watching
63. gotten flowers for no reason
64. donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. been sky diving
66. visited a concentration camp
67. bounced a check
68. flown in a helicopter
69. saved a favorite childhood toy
70. visited the Lincoln memorial
71. eaten caviar
72. pieced a quilt
73. stood in times square
74. toured the everglades
75. been fired from a job
76. seen the changing of the guard in London - NO but I've seen it at Arlington National Cemetery.
77. broken a bone
78. been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. seen the grand canyon in person
80. published a book
81. visited the Vatican
82. bought a brand new car
83. walked in Jerusalem
84. had your picture in the newspaper
85. kissed a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve
86. visited the white house
87. killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. had chickenpox
89. saved someone’s life
90. sat on a jury
91. met someone famous - realty TV star, close enough
92. joined a book club
93. gotten a tattoo
94. had a baby
95. seen the Alamo in person
96. swam in the great salt lake
97. been involved in a law suit
98. owned a cell phone
99. been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

(29/100) - Wow, I really have not lived!

Blogging, way cheaper than therapy.

I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!

Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.

ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.

I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.

hey lets sign this waiver so we can be on MTV!

So last night I ended up going to fushimi with V, our PM (person who brought our class into the sorority) and two other girls. They have $1 drinks from 12-1 every Thursday night and I have always been meaning to go. MTV has been filming this new show called Bridge and Tunnel which is kind of like the new Jersey Shore only its about Staten Island people who recently graduated college and are looking to make it big. So of course they have to be filming there the one week I go. So the place was filled to the brim with your typical Staten Island douchebags, including Angelina from Jersey Shore. I actually went to college with one of the people being filmed so just as I love watching Jersey Shore, I will be tuning into Bridge and Tunnel as well. It was just really refreshing to hang out with some girls that I normally don't see as often and I love getting all dolled up and going out. The fact that Fushimi has AMAZING sangria certainly did not hurt it. Just our luck, one of the retards happen to try to have a drunken conversation with us, so they ambushed us to sign waivers so if MTV airs that particular moment they wouldn't have to blur our faces.

So as I was there of course I was people watching and I claim to the conclusion that I am a well-dressed fat girl! I am being dead serious, I looked cute last night with jeans that fit me and a shirt that flattered me. I was not showing any of my bad areas, AKA stuff that NO ONE, myself included, wants to see. I saw girls that were my size and wore ridiculous things. My favorite one for the night was a teal, satin, SKIN TIGHT tank top. Its not about not having confidence, its about knowing what looks right.

Also, I got to thinking... I am WAY too tired of being fat. I mean I do have some confidence, I am fine talking with guys and I love going out with friends but I am sure my confidence will improve if I was thinner. I was thinking of doing Jenny Craig because I've heard of people being successful on but I'm not sure, it is really expensive and didn't Kirstie Alley like gain ALL of that weight back!? I don't know, I just need to do something and I need it to be strict because if I have too much freedom, I will screw up.

only you have the power to change yourself

So watching the Biggest Loser finale has of course brought up thoughts of my own personal goals. I took a look at my 101 in 1001 and realized that I needed to do some editting. The only goals that I have completed/made some headway in are my job related ones but still I am very proud of myself. Having a job not only gives me something to do and a sense of responsibility, but it is nice to have money to go out with and to be able to pay off my bills. Since I have nothing to do on the bus in the morning (I'm afraid if I nap I will sleep passed my stop) I usually map out how I will go out paying off my bills. I am taking a little lession from Suze Orman and trying to pay off the bills with the highest interest first. Since I am a plastic-addict I will keep one card as a "working" card that I will use once it is paid off. It is the card from the bank I work at, has a reasonable interest, rewards and most importantly - still has a low limit from when I first opened it (student card). So even if I max it out, I will still be able to pay it off monthly. Its not that I have bad credit, I have always paid my bills on time, even if it was just the minimum. If anything, I will just improve my credit score. After I pay off my bills I will begin to build up my savings account. My goal is to have a semester or so paid off by the time I graduate, which is very reasonable.

So, now the big elephant in the room. Oh wait no, that's just my reflection! Ok, in all seriousness I am NOT as big as an elephant, nor do I look like one. I just have a shit-ton of weight that I really should lose. If not for looks purposes (oddly enough, I'm confident with my appearance) then for health reasons. Granted I am pretty healthy right now, I will not stay that way much longer. Diabetes is really dominant in my blood line, to the point that it is a guarantee I will have it if I do not lose weight. That is some scary shit, especially since my uncle just had to have his foot amputated because of it. I'd like to keep my feet and ALL of my appendages, thank you. I'm just making healthier decisions now. Even if I'm not super thin, at least I'll be somewhat healthier. I also have decided to try and ween myself off of soda, diet snapple and coffee - my three biggest vices. AND I'm not buying anymore cigarettes. So predictions for the end of the summer? I will either (a) gain 50 lbs (b) kill my mother (c) kill myself. Let's see which one happens.

Newly updated 101 in 1001 list can be found here so yay! I hope I make some sort of change in my life.

money can't buy you class

To whoever watches the Real Housewives of New York - OMG LuAnn's song is horrible! Seriously, I have a better singing voice than this woman and I think I sound like a cow being raped when I sing.

Today was seriously one of the worse days that I have had in a while. LumberJack ended up bailing on me for formal. He couldn't get off of work and his band also has a show that he forgot about. So I guess that's my karma, right? I asked the Idiot Savant to formal first and then turned around and asked LumberJack, who I knew I would have much more fun with. Now LumberJack turns around and bails on me, with one week until formal. I just don't get it, like it always seems like when someone hurts you, the way to make yourself feel better is to say "what goes around, comes around". Now maybe its because I don't care to stick around and see but its like karma never bites someone else in the ass. Not only do I not have a formal date now but I got obnoxious phone calls and had a small string a bad luck a few weeks ago. What gives? People do messed up/selfish things ALL of the time, how come I can't do it once in a while?

I just seriously have NO idea what to do right now. The people I actually like - I'm not a fan of the younger girls, with the exception of the most recent class - I love them ALL, basically all have dates so I don't know it might be weird. I decided that I am no longer staying over so I'm going to cancel the hotel room and I am having one of my favorites drive my car home and I am going with her. A lot of the girls I am closer with are not going this year, mainly because of price. It just sucks because I know I would have had a lot of fun with him.

Gotta love it when a guy you are not even with, disappoints you.