For the past six or so years, if I was involved with someone, it always seems as though the shit has hit the fan during the month of April. Being the emotional beast that I am, it always caused me to cry my eyes out.
In April of 2005 I was still toying with the idea of going back to my ex-boyfriend. He was my prom date and for some reason that gave me hope that things might work out between us. He had always taken me back (though we only really dated once) before, so I figured things would not be different. Unfortunately, they were and I learned that the hard way. Through this experience I learned the lesson that the way to a man's heart is not through his penis. Unfortunately to this day I am still struggling with that one.
I don't remember specifics but April 2006 (I just remember it being the night before Easter) we had our first real fight of the relationship. Plus I had also lied to him this month, about something huge and had yet to build up the courage to tell him.
In April of 2007 he broke up with me, and it seemed like it was out of nowhere. He did it over the phone, since he was not going to be able to come home for the next few weeks and didn't feel like dragging it out. This led to what I will always refer to as my "summer of hell." The day after we broke up we were hit with a noreaster and I remember feeling that it was symbolic of how much I had cried the night before. Somehow we survived it though and stayed in our quasi-relationship for a year and a half longer.
In April of 2008 my grandfather had just gone into the hospital and I had given Tight Wad a lot of shit about not coming home that weekend and being there for me. We almost broke up, again, because of it but after some cooling off and thinking, we were ok. Little did I know that a month later, when my grandfather passed away, he truly would not be there for me.
In April of 2009 I was still mourning the loss of that relationship and trying to find myself again. Nothing really happened during April that year but I still wasn't truly happy.
In April of 2010 the back and forth with Minute Man finally came to an end when he met a girl (his now-girlfriend). I don't know exactly what I was sad about because deep-down I always knew that things were not going to work between us. I also knew that he was always there. If we hadn't talked in a while and I was craving some male attention, I knew that I could BBM him and things we start back up (somewhat) again. Now that he was with someone else, it meant that that was ended and that he was truly moving on. Of course it was for the better and to my knowledge him and that girl are still together now, a year later, so I am very happy for him.
So in April 2011… Hm, there is absolutely no man-drama going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have shit in my life that I need to deal with but none of it is being caused by a man. There is something really liberating about this and it makes me all the more happy about not being involved with anyone.
Showing posts with label the ex-files. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the ex-files. Show all posts
Friday, April 15, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Always Have Self-Respect.
When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.
Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.
Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.
Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.
I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.
Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...
Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.
Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.
Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.
I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.
Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Maybe this is why I have such great luck with men.
DAY 10 Discuss your first love and first kiss.
I'll start with my first since it is a shorter story. My first kiss was with my first boyfriend. It was the summer going into my junior year of high school and I was 15, turning 161. I met him through friends and had really liked him. The day of the kiss I met up with him on the bus (he lived in Brooklyn and was already on it) and we went to Toys R Us. We were standing close and I had said something funny and/or cute and he smiled at me and I almost lost my breakfast. I guess I had never looked at his teeth before but they were disgusting. I'm not talking crooked -- although he does have a terrible tooth-to-gum ratio -- but like dirty, as though he had not brushed or flossed his teeth in weeks. To top it off, he was the worse kisser ever. So obviously this one did not last too long and I ended up being a complete bitch to him and avoiding him until he broke up with me. Perhaps this could be the reason for my bad luck with men. I would go on to kiss a dozen or so more terrible kissers until …
I met Tight Wad, my first love. He has this name because he was very cheap, at least with me. We ALWAYS split everything which is fine I guess but I can count on one hand how many times he had paid for me over the course of three years. I even paid for my 21st birthday dinner which was all of $10 because we had gone for half-price appetizers. Of course things weren't all bad, I did fall in love with him and stay in love with him for a long time. Things just felt natural with him but over time I realized in my heart that we were not going to be together forever. When my grandfather passed away, two and a half years into our relationship, he was not there for me at all. He did not even come home from school because it was inconvenient for him to come home on weekends that he had not planned to2. I just could not get over how disrespectful that was and for the remaining five months of the relationship I proceeded to make both of our lives a living hell. Of course I cried when we broke up, it was a chapter in my life that was ending and it meant that things were going to change. They say that breaking up is an act of love for yourself and the other person and after going through that, I could not agree more. While the relationship did not work out, I learned how to love with all of my heart and to be forgiving of others when they deserve to be given another chance. I also learned that I should never lose myself (again) in a relationship and that sometimes in life you need to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.
Side Note: To my knowledge, both of these men are in loving relationships, as is Minute Man. I am starting to feel like the female version of Good Luck Chuck. Awesome.
DAY 11 Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.
1) Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
2) Weezer - Holiday
3) The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
4) Foo Fighters - The One
5) Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman
6) L'Italiano - The Sicilians
7) Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree
8) P Diddy - Hello Good Morning
9) *NSYNC - I Drive Myself Crazy
10) Destiny's Child - Survivor
1. Being socially awkward and not knowing how to use a flatiron might have contributed to me being a late bloomer in this department.
2. Shit you not, those were his EXACT words.
I'll start with my first since it is a shorter story. My first kiss was with my first boyfriend. It was the summer going into my junior year of high school and I was 15, turning 161. I met him through friends and had really liked him. The day of the kiss I met up with him on the bus (he lived in Brooklyn and was already on it) and we went to Toys R Us. We were standing close and I had said something funny and/or cute and he smiled at me and I almost lost my breakfast. I guess I had never looked at his teeth before but they were disgusting. I'm not talking crooked -- although he does have a terrible tooth-to-gum ratio -- but like dirty, as though he had not brushed or flossed his teeth in weeks. To top it off, he was the worse kisser ever. So obviously this one did not last too long and I ended up being a complete bitch to him and avoiding him until he broke up with me. Perhaps this could be the reason for my bad luck with men. I would go on to kiss a dozen or so more terrible kissers until …
I met Tight Wad, my first love. He has this name because he was very cheap, at least with me. We ALWAYS split everything which is fine I guess but I can count on one hand how many times he had paid for me over the course of three years. I even paid for my 21st birthday dinner which was all of $10 because we had gone for half-price appetizers. Of course things weren't all bad, I did fall in love with him and stay in love with him for a long time. Things just felt natural with him but over time I realized in my heart that we were not going to be together forever. When my grandfather passed away, two and a half years into our relationship, he was not there for me at all. He did not even come home from school because it was inconvenient for him to come home on weekends that he had not planned to2. I just could not get over how disrespectful that was and for the remaining five months of the relationship I proceeded to make both of our lives a living hell. Of course I cried when we broke up, it was a chapter in my life that was ending and it meant that things were going to change. They say that breaking up is an act of love for yourself and the other person and after going through that, I could not agree more. While the relationship did not work out, I learned how to love with all of my heart and to be forgiving of others when they deserve to be given another chance. I also learned that I should never lose myself (again) in a relationship and that sometimes in life you need to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.
Side Note: To my knowledge, both of these men are in loving relationships, as is Minute Man. I am starting to feel like the female version of Good Luck Chuck. Awesome.
DAY 11 Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.
1) Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
2) Weezer - Holiday
3) The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
4) Foo Fighters - The One
5) Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman
6) L'Italiano - The Sicilians
7) Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree
8) P Diddy - Hello Good Morning
9) *NSYNC - I Drive Myself Crazy
10) Destiny's Child - Survivor
1. Being socially awkward and not knowing how to use a flatiron might have contributed to me being a late bloomer in this department.
2. Shit you not, those were his EXACT words.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Why I am never downloading another app on my phone again.
For those who do not know, a few weeks ago I traded in my beloved BlackBerry for a Droid phone. I ended up getting the Samsung Fascinate and I am in love with it and all of the cool things that it can do. The only thing I was missing was BBM. Most of my friends have BBM so it was just an easy way to keep in touch with everyone. Recently they came out with this new messenger named KiK that can be used with ALL smart phones. Intrigued and still mourning over BBM, I decided to download it. To make things easier KiK decides to make a list of "People you may know" and update it every time someone knew creates an account. I was fine with seeing friends of Minute Man pop up, even OK with seeing the Security Guard come up on my list and IM me. However, what happened this morning while I was sitting in my legal terminology class was just the last straw. I decided to open the application and what pops up on my screen? "You may know TIGHT WAD" … Yeah, NO SHIT I know him. I only dated him for three fucking YEARS. I have not seen or spoken to him in two years and honestly seeing his name just sort of threw me for a loop. I quickly closed the application and put my phone away in my bag. The guy who sits next to me turned to me and said that I looked like I just saw a ghost. I did, I saw a ghost of my relationships past.
For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.
Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.
Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.
For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.
Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.
Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Two years later ...
Today is a very special anniversary for me. On October 19, 2008 (yes, I remember the date) Tight Wad and I broke up for good. It definitely was not easy, especially once my anger finally subsided and I had realized what happened but I felt that I dealt with it in a very positive way and I managed to grow a lot from it. This was also at the point of my life when I had turned my back on all of my friends (for Tight Wad) so I pretty much had no body when I went through this, just a few girls who did care but I was not extremely close with. If I could get through that alone then I could pretty much get through anything else that is thrown my way alone, which is what I am now. But that's just another can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, at least with this post. I just cannot believe how much my life has changed in these past two years…
For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.
I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.
If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.
Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …
For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.
I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.
If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.
Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Blogging, way cheaper than therapy.
I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!
Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.
ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.
I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.
Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.
ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.
I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.
Monday, May 24, 2010
the universe may not always play fair but at least it has a hell of a sense of humor.
Since the premiere of Sex and the City 2 is later this week I felt it would be fitting to title this entry after one of my favorite quotes. Of course I was a little skeptical about the sequal because I don't want them to kill it for me but it is already receiving good reviews.
I did not realize that its been ten days since my last post. I just did not think school and work would be as time consuming.
So court reporting... so far, so good. Just very, very challenging. Right now I am managing to keep up with it and am getting in a decent amount of practice each night so its not SO bad but it definitely is difficult to get used to. You have to type in shorthand which in itself is like learning a different language. It is definitely not easy but I know that if I keep up with it I will be fine. I feel like a high school freshman though. Since our real steno machines have not come in yet, we have these rentals that are like circa 1970 and they come in this backpack. With the machine and all of my books in it, the bag has to weigh at LEAST 40 pounds and sweet Jesus, is it heavy! I never thought I would look forward to having a wheely bag in my life. I like the school though, I made some friends in my classes and love that I am in downtown.
So this past Friday was formal. Due to a series of unfortunate events I was actually NOT attending this year, up until 1:30 that afternoon. In a quick rush I managed to get a mani/pedi/wax, buy shoes/pantihose and pack up my things by 4 and was on the road. It was a complete SHITSHOW and I was a disaster. I had a lot of fun, I danced my ass off, drank my face off and then cried my head off. If I remember correctly, I looked at the empty seat next to me and remembered that back when I was with Tight Wad, I never had formal date issues. Apparently I was laughing hysterically as I was crying because I realized how stupid I sounded. All in all, I had a lot of fun and I am really glad that I went. I really needed to let lose and that is exactly what I did!
So yesterday Dora dropped one hell of a bomb, that she was planning on moving to North Carolina. Obviously, that is one hell of a trek from New York City. I think I reacted the way any normal best friend would. I'm obviously not happy about the fact that she is moving far, far away but I agree with and am almost jealous of her motive of beginning her life. This does not mean I will be happy ABOUT it, but when the time comes I will be happy FOR (and supportive of) her. However, she needs to adopt an unconventional, non-domestic animal and name it after Atticus Finch, or else.
I did not realize that its been ten days since my last post. I just did not think school and work would be as time consuming.
So court reporting... so far, so good. Just very, very challenging. Right now I am managing to keep up with it and am getting in a decent amount of practice each night so its not SO bad but it definitely is difficult to get used to. You have to type in shorthand which in itself is like learning a different language. It is definitely not easy but I know that if I keep up with it I will be fine. I feel like a high school freshman though. Since our real steno machines have not come in yet, we have these rentals that are like circa 1970 and they come in this backpack. With the machine and all of my books in it, the bag has to weigh at LEAST 40 pounds and sweet Jesus, is it heavy! I never thought I would look forward to having a wheely bag in my life. I like the school though, I made some friends in my classes and love that I am in downtown.
So this past Friday was formal. Due to a series of unfortunate events I was actually NOT attending this year, up until 1:30 that afternoon. In a quick rush I managed to get a mani/pedi/wax, buy shoes/pantihose and pack up my things by 4 and was on the road. It was a complete SHITSHOW and I was a disaster. I had a lot of fun, I danced my ass off, drank my face off and then cried my head off. If I remember correctly, I looked at the empty seat next to me and remembered that back when I was with Tight Wad, I never had formal date issues. Apparently I was laughing hysterically as I was crying because I realized how stupid I sounded. All in all, I had a lot of fun and I am really glad that I went. I really needed to let lose and that is exactly what I did!
So yesterday Dora dropped one hell of a bomb, that she was planning on moving to North Carolina. Obviously, that is one hell of a trek from New York City. I think I reacted the way any normal best friend would. I'm obviously not happy about the fact that she is moving far, far away but I agree with and am almost jealous of her motive of beginning her life. This does not mean I will be happy ABOUT it, but when the time comes I will be happy FOR (and supportive of) her. However, she needs to adopt an unconventional, non-domestic animal and name it after Atticus Finch, or else.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end
So I'm done with finals and my last two grades just posted. I had the opportunity to do really well this semester and I was for a while, but then I realized that staying in the university was not what I needed to do and that I desperately needed a change. Now I'm going straight into my next semester next week, with only less than a week of a summer vacation. I guess its time to grow up since none of my friends have one anyway. I'm looking forward to it though, I love being in the city and for once I will be doing something that is going in a direction that I need to be. I am no longer wasting time in school, taking classes I don't need only to graduate in two years and STILL have no clue what I want to do. At least in this program I will still be in two years of school however, at the end of these two years I WILL have a job and I will get to start living my life.
This whole week I have been thinking a lot about my past. Monday was (most likely) my last day ever on campus. I watched girls who pledged the year after I did pick up their caps and gowns and it down right scared me. I remember their rush period and pledging process like it was just yesterday... but it wasn't. It was fall 2006, almost four years ago. I feel like fall 2005 was just yesterday as well. I remember starting college, fresh out of high school, having no idea what to do with my life. I was fortunate enough to meet the older girls in my sorority and hit it off with them and feel at home. I guess I was fortunate to meet Tight Wad as well, he taught me what it was to love and to be loved in return. He also taught me what it was to be hurt like I had never been before, how to guard myself against it happening again and best of all - what I am really looking for in a guy. Sure, I have made many mistakes in the last four years but I am grateful for each and every one of them. Its funny but most of the lessons that I am taking from my "college experience" are about life, not academics. It was bittersweet to drive off of campus for that one last time but I know that now I am much wiser than I ever was before.
So today I went and had my Japanese straightening touched up. Since I am really last minute and impatient, instead of having it done at my usual place in midtown, I had it done at this place on Staten Island. They used the same process so I figured nothing could go wrong. I'm hoping that I am not wrong about that. First of all, the treatment burned my scalp, where the treatment I have in the city does not. Then I noticed that the place was filthy! Like the floor looked like it hadn't been swept in a while and I freaked when the girl kept dropping the clips/comb and then putting them directly back into my hair! Sorry, but I skieve that shit, especially when the floor is litered with other people's hair and dirt. EWW! And I can't wash my hair for four days! My hair by the way, looks terrible! It is WAY too flat to my head and ugh, this is going to be a difficult four days. I just hope when I wash it this weekend it comes out with a little more volume. I am going to go to a girl I know from school to get it cut next week, just in time for formal. So I hope it all works out.
Tried on my formal dress yesterday. I got it from Avon and paid all of $30 for it - SWEET! It fits nicely, I just need a better bra for it and I don't know if its because its slimming but my butt looks HUGE in it. I was looking at it like um, where did you come from? Oh well, luckly for LumberJack ;)
This whole week I have been thinking a lot about my past. Monday was (most likely) my last day ever on campus. I watched girls who pledged the year after I did pick up their caps and gowns and it down right scared me. I remember their rush period and pledging process like it was just yesterday... but it wasn't. It was fall 2006, almost four years ago. I feel like fall 2005 was just yesterday as well. I remember starting college, fresh out of high school, having no idea what to do with my life. I was fortunate enough to meet the older girls in my sorority and hit it off with them and feel at home. I guess I was fortunate to meet Tight Wad as well, he taught me what it was to love and to be loved in return. He also taught me what it was to be hurt like I had never been before, how to guard myself against it happening again and best of all - what I am really looking for in a guy. Sure, I have made many mistakes in the last four years but I am grateful for each and every one of them. Its funny but most of the lessons that I am taking from my "college experience" are about life, not academics. It was bittersweet to drive off of campus for that one last time but I know that now I am much wiser than I ever was before.
So today I went and had my Japanese straightening touched up. Since I am really last minute and impatient, instead of having it done at my usual place in midtown, I had it done at this place on Staten Island. They used the same process so I figured nothing could go wrong. I'm hoping that I am not wrong about that. First of all, the treatment burned my scalp, where the treatment I have in the city does not. Then I noticed that the place was filthy! Like the floor looked like it hadn't been swept in a while and I freaked when the girl kept dropping the clips/comb and then putting them directly back into my hair! Sorry, but I skieve that shit, especially when the floor is litered with other people's hair and dirt. EWW! And I can't wash my hair for four days! My hair by the way, looks terrible! It is WAY too flat to my head and ugh, this is going to be a difficult four days. I just hope when I wash it this weekend it comes out with a little more volume. I am going to go to a girl I know from school to get it cut next week, just in time for formal. So I hope it all works out.
Tried on my formal dress yesterday. I got it from Avon and paid all of $30 for it - SWEET! It fits nicely, I just need a better bra for it and I don't know if its because its slimming but my butt looks HUGE in it. I was looking at it like um, where did you come from? Oh well, luckly for LumberJack ;)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
So I downloaded the free trial of Paint Shop Pro Photo X2 because I have a ton of free time on my hands and also if I am going to commit to this blog, I am probably going to want to make graphics. I made a header for this blog but I am not totally in love with it, yet. What do you all think? Also, its relatively cheap so if I do fall in love with it I just might buy it. Back when I used GreatestJournal and LiveJournal I owned PSP8 and loved it but somehow lost the disc (and no, I was not paying another $100 to replace it!) So let's hope this one works out well!
In other news today was the most un-productive day that I have had all year. Which explains why I am up at this hour because I napped a lot today. Fun!
Anyway the real meaning of this post. I got to thinking about sex today and how I have never had amazing sex. I am so jealous when I hear my friends talking about the amazing sex they had last night because I have never experienced it. I have only slept with two guys so far and both were disappointing for their own reasons. Tight Wad (my ex who is as cheap as fuck) and I lost our virginity to each other so that really explains why it wasn't too good. I mean he was able to last really long but the sex was just boring and not really good. Although I really cannot blame him because we were together for a few years and had only had sex with each other. He definitely has the potential to get much better with experience. Now, Minute Man on the other hand has this nickname for a reason. What sucks about this is the sex was actually pretty good, for the whole 30 seconds that he lasted. Such a disappointment because the sex would have probably have been amazing. Ugh, I mean I have only been with 2 men so far so I really should not give up hope. I always told myself that I would not sleep with a guy I was not in a relationship with or dating but I did broke both of those rules with Minute Man so maybe this is the year I will learn how to seperate sex from feelings? I certainly do not want a boyfriend anytime soon but I don't wanna go like a year without sex so something has to give. Of course I will be smart and use protection but I need to not see sex as my way of opening up and letting all of my guards down with a man. I truly envy those women that could do this, society might call them sluts but I prefer to call them my heroes.
This post was short and sweet, goodnight!
In other news today was the most un-productive day that I have had all year. Which explains why I am up at this hour because I napped a lot today. Fun!
Anyway the real meaning of this post. I got to thinking about sex today and how I have never had amazing sex. I am so jealous when I hear my friends talking about the amazing sex they had last night because I have never experienced it. I have only slept with two guys so far and both were disappointing for their own reasons. Tight Wad (my ex who is as cheap as fuck) and I lost our virginity to each other so that really explains why it wasn't too good. I mean he was able to last really long but the sex was just boring and not really good. Although I really cannot blame him because we were together for a few years and had only had sex with each other. He definitely has the potential to get much better with experience. Now, Minute Man on the other hand has this nickname for a reason. What sucks about this is the sex was actually pretty good, for the whole 30 seconds that he lasted. Such a disappointment because the sex would have probably have been amazing. Ugh, I mean I have only been with 2 men so far so I really should not give up hope. I always told myself that I would not sleep with a guy I was not in a relationship with or dating but I did broke both of those rules with Minute Man so maybe this is the year I will learn how to seperate sex from feelings? I certainly do not want a boyfriend anytime soon but I don't wanna go like a year without sex so something has to give. Of course I will be smart and use protection but I need to not see sex as my way of opening up and letting all of my guards down with a man. I truly envy those women that could do this, society might call them sluts but I prefer to call them my heroes.
This post was short and sweet, goodnight!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Is two REALLY better than one?
I ended up staying in tonight so I got to thinking about relationships and if at this point in my life it is really worth to have one. I was in a three year relationship that lasted from when I was 18-21 so I was kind of new on the dating scene this year. I had gone on a few days/talked to a few guys who I just really did not click with. I live for that first part when you meet a guy and you're really excited about it. I was able to experience that this summer for a little and loved it but then the bad part came. I forgot what it was like to actually have feelings for someone and not be too sure if they were reciprocated. Obviously I am single now so that situation ended badly but it just made me realize that I still have a lot to learn. I seriously do not know when to walk away. I have a habit of giving people (especially guys) the benefit of the doubt and hoping that if I just give it a little more time, things will change or go back to the way they were. I get myself all amped up to walk away but then I sit back and think for a second and wonder if I am jumping the gun. This leads to me losing my dignity and upper hand in the situation. I should have walked away from the situation with Minute Man over the summer back in like August when I first noticed that things were changing but I stayed with it, hoping that he was just busy or something and would start to act like he used to. Obviously, this never happened. Same thing with Tight Wad, he did the most fucked up thing that anyone has ever done to me yet I stayed around a little longer because at the time I thought I still loved him. I need to someone learn when to just call it quits before I try to find love again. I just want this to be all about me for now. I'm not saying if the opportunity for something came up I would turn away from it, I'm just definitely not looking for it. Like the Open Hearts Collection from Kay Jewelers says - "If your heart is open, love will always find its way in".
I'm thinking about making another blog but having it be for specific recipes. Tonight I made two hungry girl recipes tonight and they came out absolutely AMAZING and were guilt-free! I suggest subscribing to her website, especially if you love food but want to get healthier.
Sorry no picturs, there goes that resolution I guess lol. At least I am keeping up with my "album a month" deal.
I'm thinking about making another blog but having it be for specific recipes. Tonight I made two hungry girl recipes tonight and they came out absolutely AMAZING and were guilt-free! I suggest subscribing to her website, especially if you love food but want to get healthier.
Sorry no picturs, there goes that resolution I guess lol. At least I am keeping up with my "album a month" deal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)