Sunday, February 20, 2011

Well, at least I am not trying out for American Idol.

A highlight of my junior year of high school was when the daughter of one of my school's religion teachers tried out for American Idol. She ended up making the worse of the worse list and giving quite an unforgettable performance.

Side Note: Her and her mother are extremely religious, which makes Simon's remark even more amazing.

Like everyone else I basked in the glory and made fun of her for it but deep down inside I admired the balls that she had for actually going on national television and trying to sing. It shows that she truly does not care what other people think about her. This weekend, I think I took a step in this direction. I DID KARAOKE. To most people this is not a big deal at all, some even do it weekly, but to me - this was huge. We went out for Dora's birthday and after dinner ended up at Karaoke Boho in the Village. While I was not in driving condition, I definitely was not as drunk that I thought I would need to be for karaoke. My singing voice is similar to that of a pre-pubescent boy whose balls are about to drop, but I still managed to have fun while singing. This does not mean that all of my issues are cured, but this was a big step for me. And I got to cross something else off of my Day Zero Project.

Friday, February 18, 2011

This will be the year that I fall in love.

…with myself, that is.

There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.

I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.

In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.

So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Well, so much for that.

Life kind of got in the way of the 30 Day Challenge and I got so busy with school/work/life that I haven't really kept up with it so oh well, so much for that.

Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.

Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.

I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.