Friday, October 29, 2010

The back of my throat is numb… What are you doing?

I hate not having enough time to post in this. School and work have just been in full swing lately and even though it is stressful, I feel that I am doing quite well. We are on the last chapter of theory in our book and now we start to build speed very soon so I am kind of nervous about that. I know I will be fine in the beginning. Just from seeing/hearing others I am confident that I will end up passing my 70 at the end of this semester. I manage to practice often and I just know myself. After that? ... not so sure. I have heard that a popular speed that people get stuck on is 90 so I've braced myself for it. I know that this is a hard and frustrating thing to do however, I also know that it is not impossible. I also know what I am capable of doing once I apply myself to something but unfortunately this is something that I have failed to do consistently all throughout my life. I was starting to feel bad that the majority of my posts are about school but then I thought fuck it. This is MY blog, about MY life and if right now my life is mainly just school, then so be it. It is not going to be like this forever. This is just one long, boring chapter in the book of Nikki.

Speaking of school, I guess I must have not graduated high school in 2005 because I feel that I am right back there all over again. There is A LOT of drama that goes on here and I actually think its because the majority of us are from Staten Island. I guess I just expected this to be more of a professional environment, especially because everyone here is training for a career as opposed to say a job. Whatever, I need to block it out and not have it bother me. In the end, this is MY life I am bettering so it really does not matter what the people around me are choosing to do with theirs.

For reasons that I will not go into at this time, I have been feeling very lonely lately. On Saturday I went over one of my sorority sister's houses and had a much needed girls night. We ended up going to the local sex store and just having a lot of fun. I guess its been a long time since I was regularly getting laid because they have all of this new stuff that I was not aware of. One of the items that someone had found and purchased were these mints that numbed the back of your throat. Trust me, they actually work as well. Unfortunately I have not yet learned to separate sex from emotion (that summer goal was not completed... FAIL) so I did not have a little um "friend" that I could send a text to about this. This does not bother me as much because for the first time in like ever I am actually truly content with being single. Not to say if I met a guy who truly knocked me off my feet I would not go for it but for right now, this is working for me. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that the guy I have a serious crush on might have a girlfriend. Sometimes life is funny that way I guess. Its just a little unfortunate that somewhere out there, there is a guy who missed out on an amazing blow job.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Two years later ...

Today is a very special anniversary for me. On October 19, 2008 (yes, I remember the date) Tight Wad and I broke up for good. It definitely was not easy, especially once my anger finally subsided and I had realized what happened but I felt that I dealt with it in a very positive way and I managed to grow a lot from it. This was also at the point of my life when I had turned my back on all of my friends (for Tight Wad) so I pretty much had no body when I went through this, just a few girls who did care but I was not extremely close with. If I could get through that alone then I could pretty much get through anything else that is thrown my way alone, which is what I am now. But that's just another can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, at least with this post. I just cannot believe how much my life has changed in these past two years…

For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.

I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.

If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.

Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …

Friday, October 15, 2010

To whom it may concern...

Sorry for the lack of posts, the new semester hit me harder than I thought it would. So far it has been going smoothly and I am definitely practicing more, which is good. I still really like it and I hope that I stay as motivated as I am now, especially when I get into speed building. I have so much to update about it and will hopefully do so this weekend but I am just stopping by to quickly say that I am alive and have not abandoned this blog!