Always Have Self-Respect.

When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.

Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.

Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.

Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.

I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.

Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...

Maybe this is why I have such great luck with men.

DAY 10 Discuss your first love and first kiss.

I'll start with my first since it is a shorter story. My first kiss was with my first boyfriend. It was the summer going into my junior year of high school and I was 15, turning 16¹. I met him through friends and had really liked him. The day of the kiss I met up with him on the bus (he lived in Brooklyn and was already on it) and we went to Toys R Us. We were standing close and I had said something funny and/or cute and he smiled at me and I almost lost my breakfast. I guess I had never looked at his teeth before but they were disgusting. I'm not talking crooked -- although he does have a terrible tooth-to-gum ratio -- but like dirty, as though he had not brushed or flossed his teeth in weeks. To top it off, he was the worse kisser ever. So obviously this one did not last too long and I ended up being a complete bitch to him and avoiding him until he broke up with me. Perhaps this could be the reason for my bad luck with men. I would go on to kiss a dozen or so more terrible kissers until …

I met Tight Wad, my first love. He has this name because he was very cheap, at least with me. We ALWAYS split everything which is fine I guess but I can count on one hand how many times he had paid for me over the course of three years. I even paid for my 21st birthday dinner which was all of $10 because we had gone for half-price appetizers. Of course things weren't all bad, I did fall in love with him and stay in love with him for a long time. Things just felt natural with him but over time I realized in my heart that we were not going to be together forever. When my grandfather passed away, two and a half years into our relationship, he was not there for me at all. He did not even come home from school because it was inconvenient for him to come home on weekends that he had not planned to². I just could not get over how disrespectful that was and for the remaining five months of the relationship I proceeded to make both of our lives a living hell. Of course I cried when we broke up, it was a chapter in my life that was ending and it meant that things were going to change. They say that breaking up is an act of love for yourself and the other person and after going through that, I could not agree more. While the relationship did not work out, I learned how to love with all of my heart and to be forgiving of others when they deserve to be given another chance. I also learned that I should never lose myself (again) in a relationship and that sometimes in life you need to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.

Side Note: To my knowledge, both of these men are in loving relationships, as is Minute Man. I am starting to feel like the female version of Good Luck Chuck. Awesome.

DAY 11 Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.

1) Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
2) Weezer - Holiday
3) The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
4) Foo Fighters - The One
5) Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman
6) L'Italiano - The Sicilians
7) Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree
8) P Diddy - Hello Good Morning
9) *NSYNC - I Drive Myself Crazy
10) Destiny's Child - Survivor

<sub>1. Being socially awkward and not knowing how to use a flatiron might have contributed to me being a late bloomer in this department.
2. Shit you not, those were his EXACT words.</sub>

Songs that will always mean something to you...

Inspired from a tweet by Ashley Zarlin I decided to make a list of the songs that I would never forget. Everyone has them, those certain songs that will almost bring you back to a point in your life when you hear them. Here are my top 10 (because really this list could go on forever) -

10) Your Song - Elton John.
This is one of my ALL TIME favorite love songs. In a creepy moment The Security Guard sang this to me but it wasn't as romantic as I had always imagined. It was kinda creepy and a wee-bit too much for a first date. This song will be played at my wedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8

9) Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre & Eminem
This song was my shit back in 7th and 8th grade. I remember requesting this on TRL non-stop until it was retired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFcv5Ma8u8k&feature=channel

8) Oops! I Did It Again - Britney Spears
Obsessed was not the word!! I remember watching the Making The Video for this and DYING. On a more embarrassing note I recently found my diary from when I was younger and in an entry I actually wrote about being sad over this video's retirement from TRL. True story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CduA0TULnow

7) Big GIrls Don't Cry - Fergie
This song is basically what gave me the balls to attempt (he pulled me back once he realized what he was doing) to walk away from Tight Wad after the Shitstorm (or the whole summer) of 2007. It just reminds me of trying to be strong when I was being knocked down to the floor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6sqA9QtV5I

6) Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
I believe this song is still my voicemail message. This song always reminds me of going to summer camp when I was younger and everyone singing it on the bus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfRNRymrv9k

5) Suga Suga - Baby Bash
I hear this song and automatically I am brought back to my junior year of high school. No matter what this will ALWAYS bring a smile to my face and I think Dora knows why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rgStv12dwA

4) You Make Me Wanna - Usher
Holy 5th grade Batman! This song will forever remind me of grammar school and to this day I still blast in when I hear it on the radio as an "oldie" (eye roll)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQRzrnH6_HY

3) I Like The Way You Work It (No Diggity) - BlackStreet
Another grammar school memory, except this is maybe 4th or even 3rd grade. About a decade later I would hear this song again and go on to have a rather slut-tastic drunken moment to it in the basement of a frat house. For many reasons, this song is without a doubt a classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KL9mRus19o

2) *NSYNC - This I Promise You
I actually went to their No Strings Attached tour in 2001 and CRIED when the stage came out and they sang this. To this day this song turns me into mush and no matter what my future husband says, this WILL be our wedding song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45aGsuOcQO8

1) Gold Digger - Kanye West ft Jamie Foxx
This song was the number one song on my 18th birthday which apparently makes it my "Life theme song". Not only does it remind me of my 18th birthday but when I first started college. I remember driving like a mad-woman up to campus during pledging with this blasting. Will never fail to remind me of that time and bring a smile to my face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

What are some songs that you will never forget?

The best man I knew...

Today, November 11 is not only Veteran's Day but also would have been my grandfather's 84th birthday. He was an amazing man - a devoted husband, loving father and a great grandfather.

My grandfather was born on November 11, 1926 in Manhattan, New York. The son of Italian immigrants, he was the oldest of their three sons. Growing up my grandfather was best friends with one of my grandmother's brothers and the rest is history. They dated throughout their teen years and were married on September 17, 1949. My grandparents were blessed with two children, a son and a daughter and though it was not always easy, they made the best of it and provide a good life for their children.

I seriously hit the jackpot when it comes to grandfathers. I was super close to him because my mother was a daddy's girl and them being close led to him and I being close. After my father passed away my grandfather really stepped in and was a great father figure for me. He accompanied me to father/daughter dances at school, picked me up from chemistry review (read: detention) in high school and always offered his advice and listening ear.


Father/Daughter Dance 2001.

He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was younger but it ended up coming back years later in 2008. After battling it for months he passed away on May 10, 2008. During that time I was taking an English class and the professor I had just changed my whole outlook on life and death. While I was crushed that I was losing a second father, I was very at peace with his death. One thing that my professor kept mentioning throughout the semester was making sure that you spent your "dash" (as in the dash between the year you were born and the year you will die) as best as you can. My grandfather was married to the love of his life for 58 years, raised and watched his two children marry and give him three grandchildren, made his only grandson a Yankees fan and had an amazing life. I cannot think of a better way that he could have spent his dash.

My grandfather loved the summer and the beach. Right now he is probably relaxing on the beach with a beer in his hand.

The innocence of childhood...

When you're a little kid you ALWAYS have these real shoot-for-the-stars kind of dreams that you could be or doing anything that you want to in this world. When you get a little older, maybe middle school-high school those dreams change into more realistic ones and then as you approach the real world the reality sets in. You realize that you most likely will not be achieving those dreams and that are you in fact not as incredible as you once thought you were. I'd love to have a little kid's mentality again, so naive and innocent, imagining (and believing) that you had the world at your fingertips. You know, the way that you look at the world before you experience personal failure and heartache, before you learned to expect nothing so that way you would avoid any disappointment. I would like to think that as a child I probably was not neurotic. Actually scratch that, I had social anxiety. So ok, maybe I did have issues back then as well but I wasn't aware of them yet so I guess I did not worry about them much.

As a child my babysitter was the television and from watching re-runs of I Love Lucy and Saturday Night Live I fell in love with both Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner. I touched into my past Lucy obsession in this post. I always saw Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner as these two women who were hilarious and stopped at nothing to make people laugh. My far-fetched childhood dream was to be a cast member on Saturday Night Live. I guess young Nikki thought older Nikki would actually be funny but unfortunately, I was wrong. Not saying that I don't make my friends laugh because I definitely do, but I am definitely not up to par with a cast member of the show. I take that back, with recent seasons I definitely am as funny if not funnier than half the cast members on now but that really is not saying much given the show sucks right now.

What was your far-fetched dream as a child?

Two years later ...

Today is a very special anniversary for me. On October 19, 2008 (yes, I remember the date) Tight Wad and I broke up for good. It definitely was not easy, especially once my anger finally subsided and I had realized what happened but I felt that I dealt with it in a very positive way and I managed to grow a lot from it. This was also at the point of my life when I had turned my back on all of my friends (for Tight Wad) so I pretty much had no body when I went through this, just a few girls who did care but I was not extremely close with. If I could get through that alone then I could pretty much get through anything else that is thrown my way alone, which is what I am now. But that's just another can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, at least with this post. I just cannot believe how much my life has changed in these past two years…

For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.

I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.

If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.

Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Don't worry - I have not abandoned this blog! I am actually in the process of writing a post and so far it has been taking my four days to complete. Neurosis/procrastination at its finest!

So today I am 23... That's kind of a scary thing. I mean, I'm not dreading it like I was my 22nd birthday but it just feels weird to me. I would kill to go back to 5 years ago this time. I was going to meet this guy that I met off of facebook (FB was ONLY for college kids back then, so it was legit lol) who lived in Long Island. I was driving there with two of my friends that I had met during freshman orientation and even though we did not get to hang out with my guy, we had a blast just having dinner in this random diner in Syosset, Long Island. Lesson learned, of course but still a fun night. I also remember that recruitment had just ended and that next morning I had a missed call from my would-be pledge mistress, telling me that she was giving me a bid to join the sorority. Things are done a lot differently now-a-days but I remember that seriously made my birthday. So much has changed in my life since then. For one, I was only on TAKE ONE of college and had yet to assfuck my life. Second, I had yet to fall in love. I did not meet Tight Wad until a couple of months later and although looking back that relationship was anything but ideal, I am still forever grateful for what I learned during it. I guess everything happens for a reason...

Cutting this short because its my birthday and I need my beauty rest!

this used to be my playground

So last night after work I drove to Brooklyn to meet up with S, my high school friend. I have not seen her since last August when we went on a double date with her boyfriend and Minute Man. It was so nice to see her and being at her house was just a throwback to my high school years. We went for dinner at this Turkish restaurant named Sahara and it was amazing. Definitely something different and I would so go back there. Then we went back to her house and watched Jersey Shore. After that we FaceBook stalked like pretty much everyone we used to hang out with lol. It was great to see her and reminisce about our best and worst moments. I actually logged into my old LiveJournal that I kept around that time. It was embarrassing lol, I was such a little brat. Apparently I also had yet to learn how to form a correct sentence, because my writing was terrible. Too bad GreatestJournal is no longer around because that would have been even more embarrassing to read. I definitely want to do a post about my unique high school experience. Maybe I will do it later since I am not going out tonight (work early tomorrow) and I now have a printer/scanner. I would do things so much differently in high school but I will definitely go more into that one later. It will be nice to have a relaxing night home, I can get to bed early and be nice and refreshed for work tomorrow.

One of my favorite memories (to look back on) with S and her sister M was one night when we went bowling with S, her then-boyfriend, M, and my first boyfriend (lets call him G). We walked back to G's house after bowling and waited for car service. I guess taking car service was like the big thing to do in Brooklyn when you weren't old enough to drive yet. The car service came and took me, M, and S back to their house. In front of us on 18th Ave there was a really drunk guy who kept swerving and after he had almost caused an accident with us twice, our driver started to honk at him. Unfortunately we were caught at a red light with drunkie. He got out of his car and proceeded to beat the dickens out of our driver, while we were in the back seat of the car. M was trying to call the police, S was trying to see the guy's plate numbers and I (like a retard) was trying to open the locked doors (that had no push button thingee) and get us out of there. Thank God the drunk guy got back into his car and drove away. All would have been fine but the car service driver started to chase after him, with three, screaming sixteen year old girls in the car with him telling him to stop. Finally, we made it back to their house, alive and the driver still had the nerve to charge us for the ride. While yes, that was terrifying at the time its one of those things that we laugh now as we look back. Just like the time when we ended up getting searched by the cops. A story that is great to look back on...

I will definitely make a post later with a story or two that actually were funny then and are now as well.

Does anyone else have a slight-brush-with-death story that they now look back on and giggle at?

and after all of this I still paint my nails like I did when I was five

Yesterday I decided to paint my nails myself since the manicure that I had paid for had chipped within 24 hours. Much to my dismay, my fingers resembled an art project that I might have done back in Kindergarten. You know, the projects that were an utter disaster yet your mom still hung up on the fridge, beaming with pride? Except I am not beaming with pride right now, I still have polish on certain fingers but at least it is a lot less noticeable.

Many things have changed since I was 5, Chelsea Clinton was a little girl at her father's side during his campaign and now she's a married woman whose wedding was the hottest ticket in town, Zack Morris' cellphone was the hottest thing ever (Fuck that, HE was the hottest thing ever), and staying up later than 9PM was something that I would give anything to do. Of course I have definitely changed in more personal ways, I still had a father and a grandfather, was at a normal weight for my age, had un-pieced ears, and my biggest care in the world was if they were going to play man-hunt that night after dinner. I feel that I have done a lot of growing up in this past year, especially within the last few months. I finally figured out, at age 22, what I wanted to do with my life and now I am taking the steps to get there. I am trying to learn how to take the stick out of my ass (drinking helps with this, a lot) and just let loose and live life.

SO my blogging idol Carrie Bradshaw is Full of Shit (oh and by the way, she does not actually know that she is my idol. It's more like a secret admirer type of thing.. She should start expect anonymous flowers and notes soon) had declared this the Summer of Single for her, which basically helped me put a title on what is going on with my life right now. This is the first summer that I have been truly single. Truly meaning I have not had a boy to love/care about/cry over. Summer 2005 (I was 17) I was crying over my first ex. Summers 2006-2008 (18-20) were spent either in love with or crying over Tight Wad and summer 2009 (21) I dated Minute Man for its entirety. Summer 2010 (22), I have not had to deal with any bullshit that comes with having a man in my life and by George, it has been FABULOUS! A little boring, but fabulous.

While I am deliriously happy that I have been able to avoid clinging onto any guy I find for his attention, I am a little disappointed in myself. One would think that the theme song for this summer would be PROMISCUOUS GIRL but sadly, it has not. I think part of that has to do with having the stick up my ass. Well, at least something is up there but that's not what I would have imagined. A few weeks ago I started talking to this guy who shall be referred to as Jack of All Trades and basically we set it up to be a strictly sex thing. Sounds fun, right? Except we I have yet to plan a date for this. He is really good looking, just a tad older (like he probably watched Sesame Street when it first premiered) so mother would definitely not approve of him. Besides, I really don't want an older man. However, age does equal experience when a man is just that good looking so maybe I could be his little student? I mean if you want to start learning how to have casual sex (yes, that is something that I have to learn how to do), isn't it best to start off with a man who knows what he is doing? Who is to say that I will actually go through with this though? I'm surprised I actually went through with meeting the Security Guard.

Oh well, small steps I guess. Maybe learning how to be promiscuous is the next stage in growing up for me?

Oh and she'll have a shot of the 1800, thanks.

Last night I went out with Dora who was in much need of a night out. I hope I at least succeeded in taking her mind off of things and having her kick back.

So FINALLY I am on vacation! However, its only from school and unfortunately I happen to work at the one bank that is open on Sunday (including the 4th of July). At least I will finally get to the beach this summer. Usually by this time I am a different race but I am so pale right now, it sucks.

Speaking of summer, a year ago today Michael Jackson died. I still remember how I found out, I was laying on my couch doing nothing and Minute Man texted me because he heard about as he was driving home from work. A lot has changed in that year, for one I was with Minute Man and things were amazing. I was working at Lane Bryant, made absolutely no money and pretty much hated it. I was about to start at St. John's again, trying to prove to everyone that I was capable of sticking it out there. Oh, and I was extremely tan. That weekend I was going up to the poconos for my half-niece's wedding and getting reacquainted with a family that I have not seen in over a decade. I made the drive by myself because this was something I knew that I had to do alone. I saw many pictures that weekend and heard stories about my father that I never knew.

Now, only three hundred and sixty-five days later, so much has changed. I am pale as shit, have not spoke to Minute Man (who has a girlfriend) in a few months, I love my job and I make decent money, and I will never set foot in St. John's again. Instead, I am well on my way to becoming a court reporter. I also keep contact with my father's family and its great because I feel they are my one connection to him.

HOW MUCH HAVE YOUR LIVES CHANGED IN ONE YEAR?

Blogging, way cheaper than therapy.

I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!

Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.

ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.

I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.

LUUUUCCYYYY... You got some 'splainin to do

When I was younger I was OBSESSED with I Love Lucy to the point that it was annoying. I would watch the show EVERY night on Nick at Nite and would run around quoting funny things that Lucy had said. I was an odd child, to put it lightly. I was a poorly-socialized only child who craved attention and always wanted to make people laugh. At nearly 23, you can still say the same thing about me. Only, I have much better social skills and am a LOT less annoying now (although I do have my moments).

I was killing time online before and found out that there is a musuem dedicated to Lucy and Desi. It is in Jamestown NY, which is Lucille Ball's hometown. The website also includes a list of Lucy-related places to visit. Only problem is, its a good seven hours away so this trip will most likely require a weekend. I don't care though, my list of things-to-do has clearly been updated!

A small update on the prospects from eHarmony - Bachelor #1 actually tried to impress me by knowing where Vinny from the Jersey Shore's "crib" was (YES, HE ACTUALLY SAID CRIB!) so yeah, kind of a turn-off. Bachelor #2 (met through a co-worker) is on a cruise (LUCKY FUCK) and Bachelor #3 (guy from Boston) told me he was going to call me tonight but did not - so he might not be that into me. Eh, oh well.

BACK TO LUCY! I leave you with one of my ALL time favorite Lucy moments. This scene actually held the record at the time for the longest studio audience laugh.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

So I'm done with finals and my last two grades just posted. I had the opportunity to do really well this semester and I was for a while, but then I realized that staying in the university was not what I needed to do and that I desperately needed a change. Now I'm going straight into my next semester next week, with only less than a week of a summer vacation. I guess its time to grow up since none of my friends have one anyway. I'm looking forward to it though, I love being in the city and for once I will be doing something that is going in a direction that I need to be. I am no longer wasting time in school, taking classes I don't need only to graduate in two years and STILL have no clue what I want to do. At least in this program I will still be in two years of school however, at the end of these two years I WILL have a job and I will get to start living my life.

This whole week I have been thinking a lot about my past. Monday was (most likely) my last day ever on campus. I watched girls who pledged the year after I did pick up their caps and gowns and it down right scared me. I remember their rush period and pledging process like it was just yesterday... but it wasn't. It was fall 2006, almost four years ago. I feel like fall 2005 was just yesterday as well. I remember starting college, fresh out of high school, having no idea what to do with my life. I was fortunate enough to meet the older girls in my sorority and hit it off with them and feel at home. I guess I was fortunate to meet Tight Wad as well, he taught me what it was to love and to be loved in return. He also taught me what it was to be hurt like I had never been before, how to guard myself against it happening again and best of all - what I am really looking for in a guy. Sure, I have made many mistakes in the last four years but I am grateful for each and every one of them. Its funny but most of the lessons that I am taking from my "college experience" are about life, not academics. It was bittersweet to drive off of campus for that one last time but I know that now I am much wiser than I ever was before.

So today I went and had my Japanese straightening touched up. Since I am really last minute and impatient, instead of having it done at my usual place in midtown, I had it done at this place on Staten Island. They used the same process so I figured nothing could go wrong. I'm hoping that I am not wrong about that. First of all, the treatment burned my scalp, where the treatment I have in the city does not. Then I noticed that the place was filthy! Like the floor looked like it hadn't been swept in a while and I freaked when the girl kept dropping the clips/comb and then putting them directly back into my hair! Sorry, but I skieve that shit, especially when the floor is litered with other people's hair and dirt. EWW! And I can't wash my hair for four days! My hair by the way, looks terrible! It is WAY too flat to my head and ugh, this is going to be a difficult four days. I just hope when I wash it this weekend it comes out with a little more volume. I am going to go to a girl I know from school to get it cut next week, just in time for formal. So I hope it all works out.

Tried on my formal dress yesterday. I got it from Avon and paid all of $30 for it - SWEET! It fits nicely, I just need a better bra for it and I don't know if its because its slimming but my butt looks HUGE in it. I was looking at it like um, where did you come from? Oh well, luckly for LumberJack ;)

Just another Beth Mackenzie...

The title of this post is from a song, kudos to anyone who knows the name of it.

As I am spending quite the lonely Saturday in I got to thinking... I care way too much about what people think of me. I don't know why I do this nor can I help it but its really annoying. I wish I could just do things and maybe truly be myself without worrying if someone will disprove of it and not accept it. I wish I had a FUCK IT attitude but unfortunately I don't. I'm weird though, like I care what people think but you almost would not know that upon meeting me. I am quite the outgoing person and I can make friends in any social situation but its when you want to get to know me, that I get scared. I know that true friendships and true love are only possible when someone knows the real you so why am I afraid of this. I'm not overly obnoxious but I'm not one of those "universally liked" people, you know that person who everyone loves and always wants to be around. I guess because I'm not like that, I'm scared. How do people get to be like that, so loved? Am I not nice enough, smart enough or pretty enough for that? Maybe this is actually a weight issue that I am in denial of? I hope to hell its not that. This past year I overcame a lot of issues that I used to have about my weight. In the summer I wore sleeveless shirts and went to the beach in the first time in years because I realized that it is what it is. Obviously people know I am not a small girl so what my arms look like and how I look in a bathing suit is really nothing different/fascinating to them. See, baby steps! That is sort of progress towards not caring what others think, right?

Things with Minute Man started off great, I was able to show my personality and be my true retarded self around him. Then something I did annoyed him (I tease - that's my way of flirting and I teased him about him not bowling so well in his league one week and that was too much for his liking) and it made me hold back a lot of my personality and become very insecure. Also, I talk a lot.. Anyone who knows me knows this and since he already had gotten on me about things like the teasing I took it to heart when he would make comments on my talking. I know that he is only one guy and that I have had others in the past who were interested in me and loved my personality but I still managed to let it effect me and I think that's the reason why I'm upset about the situation, because my personality ruined it. (well not all of it, he had a major role in why we didn't work but I'm sure it had some effect)

There are certain inalienable truths in life, one is that people are going to judge you. I am an extremely judgemental person and I know that people judge me in return, but why do I care then? Everyone judges others but why do I care what people think? Speaking of judging last night I went out with Marathoner and Dora the Explorer. The three of us split three pitchers of sangria and sat at a table for 3-4 hours people watching. There were a lot of interesting characters in that bar and some amazing sangria. However, Burrito Bar is definitely not the place to meet any guys, that is for damn sure.

How lovely! Almost an entire post dedicated to my insecurities. Hopefully one day I will learn to move on from them. Until then, Beth Mackenzie is still looking for her Seth Shapiro...