Change is definitely needed.

It seems like it has been forever since I began this blog, especially when you think about where I was in my life.

Then? I was 22 years old and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was 40 lbs heavier, still dealing with the pain of a breakup and having it screw me up with dating other men. I had no job and had bled my savings dry. Obviously, I was in a bad place.

Now? I am 24 years old (still not used to saying this), have had a decent-paying job for over a year and a half, and am more than halfway done with court reporting school. I'm still single but it is a choice that I have made. I just have more important things to worry about in life than if a boy is going to call me or if he feels the same way that I do. Not to say that I will turn away a man who sweeps me off my feet, but I am definitely holding out for someone who is worth the frustration.

I am just now starting to let go of the thought that I have wasted away the last six years of my life. Although in an ideal world, I would have graduated school in 2009 and (hopefully) have a job, I would not be where I was today if I had done things correctly. I don't know if I would have ever met Tight Wad, and even though things do not work out with him, that relationship had taught me a lot about love and life. I don't know if I would be closer and not talking to some of my friends, so I am glad that I am where I am today. It also helps that many of my friends in school are my age or a year or two older, so I am not the only one in this boat. It is just overwhelming to think about the amount of money in loans I will have to pay back before I can catch up with everyone else and move on with my life.

So with all of that said, I feel that this blog needs a change as well. I like the name and really do not feel like going through the trouble of switching names, but I don't feel it is necessary to stay here. I have this name over at Wordpress but am not quite sure how to work that site. Most of the people who have followed this blog have probably forgotten about it anyway, so maybe it will be better to move it over there.

Well, I am definitely not getting any younger...

It has been about two months since my last post and I can honestly say that I miss it. I will get ideas in my head of what to say but when it comes down to staring at this blank screen, I am just that - blank.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely despise my birthday. Between sharing it all of my life with my grandparent's anniversary, not having any real friends through middle/high school, and having a boyfriend who couldn't care less about it; I have had anything special happen on it. For some reason, unfortunate events always seem to occur on September 17 and this year I was hoping to break the curse.

Friday night after having dinner with a small group of friends, I ended up in a bar that I somewhat despise. I always meet the creepiest of men when I am there and the bar is just over-all grimy. Having one of my pledge sister's boyfriends spot the cover charge for us made it all worth it though. I ended up meeting a girl with almost the exact same tattoo that I have, on her wrist as well. After a while, everyone had to leave earlier, leaving my friend K and I as the last girls standing.

It was then, that something that I had no expectation of happening, occurred - I met a guy. It started off with me kissing him on the cheek for luck during his pool game (he won!) and ended up with him and I discussing Sigmund Freud and our life dreams at 3AM in a bar. Feeling elated that I not only met a cute guy, but an intelligent one at that, I dismissed myself to use the restroom as he promised to be there when I returned. After some bathroom fun (an entire group of girls singing Happy Birthday to me), I decided to return to my suitor, to only realize that he was GONE. Apparently, he was walking over towards K (who knows his friend) and busted his ass, drenching himself with my drink and his. Also, their other friend had called telling them to get to the airport for the flight they were on later that day.

I feel like I have had a Craigslist missed-connection. The cynic in me is saying that if he really was interested, he would have made sure I was given his number or vice versa. In reality, he was drenched and probably was concerned with getting the fuck out of there. He also left on a plane a few hours later to go to California and won't be back until late next week. At least K and his friend have each other's numbers so all hope is not lost, yet. I just hate having to deal with middle men and would rather have things happen on my own accord, but whatever.

Thanks to my bladder, I narrowly missed getting my birthday kiss. I guess I really am getting old.

The year I grow the hell up - part 1.

Last Saturday two of my favorite bloggers Katie at Date Me, D.C. and PYT (obv not her real name) at DATERVIEW co-hosted a happy hour in the city. Katie always hosts them in D.C. and being this was her birthday weekend, wanted to do it up here for a change. I had a lot of fun, met some great people and was happy that I went. From the conversations I came to realize that I was the youngest one there. Nothing wrong with that, its just I felt very immature and inexperienced compared to all of the things that everyone else had likely gone through. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how she is so easy to bounce back from a disappoint in life, especially when with a guy. Of course things happen that hurt her but she does not let it be the end all of her life. I guess that this is something that comes with experience and I am more than ready to become more mature in this aspect.

I feel that I have so many things to improve on in my life - I need to stop making such a big deal out of things that do not deserve it. I need to stop worrying about what might happen and just focus on what is happening. I need to learn how to stop caring about what others think and to just truly let loose and be the real me. I need to learn how to stick with things with the going gets tough. Finally, I need to accept that sometimes things are not meant to work out in life and its OK if it does not.

I know that I will not be able to learn all of these lessons overnight but I am willing to work on myself. I feel I am making some progress though, I have sang karaoke in public twice now and can honestly say that I have not once texted him. If you are new and need to know who him is, just read back a few posts. He never got to the point where I gave him an official name in my blog, which speaks volumes for how much I should have not cared. When the whole Minute Man debacle happened, I went back two or three times for more thinking it would be different. For some reason, I know that if me and that guy were to stop talking again, things would not be the same. I just have to take it for what it was, and move the hell on. There is a reason that it did not work out and eventually I will see it.

I have more to write on this but I need to get ready for work. So part 2 is coming!

My problem is that I focus too much on the future instead of living in the now.

DAY 08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Honestly, I have yet to feel completely satisfied with my life. As of right now, I am content with where my life is going but until I get there, I won't be completely satisfied. I am just happy to finally have a direction, as opposed to just wandering around aimlessly like I had done for the first 22 years of my life.


DAY 09: How you hope your future will be

I hope to make enough money that I could live comfortably, without being in debt, and afford to buy the things that I want. I hope to meet the man of my dreams (yes, I believe he is still out there), marry him and have children. Most of all what I want is to just be happy. So many people go through life hating their job, their spouse and overall path they have chosen in life. I vow to never be that person and to wake up each morning thankful for what I have. Of course my life won't be easy, that man and I will probably fight (I mean, he's marrying me) and other obstacles will be thrown my way, but I hope to just keep my head held high through it all.

One of my resolutions for this year is to stop thinking about the future and live in the moment. This has always been a problem of mine, combined with anxiety surrounding what is going to happen. For one, take the situation with Dusty (AKA the new guy, he would understand the name). Things were going pretty well with that, he showed interest in me and treated me very well. Instead of enjoying it -- which I definitely did to an extent -- I constantly thought about what was going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind, based on things that he was saying and how things were going, that it would have eventually evolved into a relationship but now I am not so sure. I just feel that he was different from the rest, yet I did not treat him like that. Instead I treated him as if I was just waiting for him to fuck up and screw me over and never really gave him a chance. In an effort to prevent myself from getting hurt, I managed to push him away and mess up something that could have been great. Unfortunately I cannot change what I have done, all I can do is to just give it time and hope that if it was meant to be, it will happen.

I am bitch, hear me roar.

Today I took an impromptu day off from school because well, I can. My grades are already in so the absences won't lower my grade for steno and since my teacher can no longer give 70wpm speed tests, I really am not missing much. I am not sure if I want to take tomorrow off as well and just clean my room/organize things for the new term. I am definitely going in Thursday though. It is our last class with our teacher (until we hit the 160-180 class) and he was amazing. I don't know, I'll decide by the end of this post. So while watching Maury this morning and eating pretzels with Nutella (best couple ever!) I realized that I should take advantage of this day and not be lazy. I decided it would be a grand idea to put the TV stand together that came about a month ago and was still in its box behind the couch. I have been waiting now over three years to complete my bedroom and this is the final thing that has to be done. So I cracked open a bottle of wine (and its cork, for that matter) and somehow managed to lug the 80 pound box (which is as tall as me) up the stairs. True to my organized self, I laid everything out on my bed and once all of the parts and screws were accounted for, I went to work. I assembled the first half of it rather quickly but then ran into a part that required a second set of hands to stabilize the piece while I screwed it -- that's what I said -- in place. In total it took seven hours, cost me a ½ bottle of wine and a blood clot but I am definitely proud of myself!


Seriously, who needs a man?

DAY 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a true Virgo. I can go on and on about this but I will spare you and just post a few examples off of websites that display the qualities of a Virgo.

Highly intelligent, Virgos also possess a clever, sarcastic sense of humor that shows an awareness of yourself and others. You are also very observant and have an eye for detail. This is of course how you get your reputation for being fussy and nitpicking - you can see things that other people miss. You are a perfectionist and details are important to you. (Source: All About Virgo)

Virgo females also need to know exactly where they stand. She is not necessarily adverse to a brief romantic fling, as long as she is made aware of that fact from the very beginning. (Source: Virgo: Relationships and Compatibility)

While Virgos can be worrywarts, they do their best to temper these impulses. (Source: Astrology.com)

Those are just some of the many traditional Virgo qualities that I possess. While I agree with my sign, I do not allow horoscopes to rule my life. If I did, I would not have dated half the men that I have had or be friends with some of the people I am friends with. I just think the facts are interesting, especially when my horoscope is dead-on for exactly what is going on with my life.

Oh, and for those keeping track, I am taking another day off tomorrow. I have to clean my room, put all my stuff in my new TV stand and go to the dentist.

30 not-so-interesting facts about yours truly.

Today began what I like to refer to as the "Stress free week of school" AKA the week between terms when academic classes have ended and all we have to go in for is our steno classes. While its a pain in the ass to wake up and commute for 2 hours (3 with traffic) in total just for one 90 minute class, it is really nice to have a week that I don't have to worry about studying or doing homework. Since I have gotten home from school I have been watching season two of Sex and the City in its entirety and I have never felt more relaxed. Or more self-aware.


Me in my sophomore year of high school. I figured this was appropriate for this post.

DAY 06: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

(I cannot guarantee that all, if any, of these will be interesting)

1) I was born and raised in Staten Island. I've lived in four houses, all within a three mile radius of each other.
2) I have 9 nieces and nephews and only two of them are younger than me.
3) I make amazing brownies from scratch yet if I make them from a box they suck.
4) I probably could not keep up a conversation in Italian yet I am able to sing Christmas songs for you.
5) I was banned from my senior prom one week before it.
6) I never got into Harry Potter. I made it halfway through the first book before giving up.
7) It took me 22 years to figure out what I am going to do with my life.
8) I have handled money in every job that I have had (with the exception of one).
9) When I was 8 I watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries that absolutely traumatized me.
10) As a result, I need to have the TV on to be able to fall asleep. (unless I'm with someone else)
11) I know how to read and write in stenography shorthand, which is like a whole other language in itself.
12) I am obsessed with old things like buildings/billboards and such.
13) I have never left the country, or the east coast for that matter.
14) I SUCK at parallel parking yet I can maneuver into a normal spot like a boss.
15) I tend to use terms like "whaddup Oprah" and "shappens" in every day language.
16) I'm extremely sarcastic and have a really fucked up sense of humor.
17) Pink is my favorite color yet you will hardly see me wearing it.
18) I love pugs.
19) My current pug Tammy is lying next to me and my childhood pug Bandit is lying in a tin can in our wall-unit.
20) I still remember how to tap dance and all first five positions of ballet.
21) I have the ability to laugh at myself and sometimes I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane.
22) I'm from Staten Island and I have managed to get lost while driving to the Jersey shore.
23) I used to hate beer when I was younger but now I am developing a good taste for it.
24) I was born on my grandparent's anniversary.
25) I have never broken a bone in my life.
26) I have a vivid imagination.
27) SO vivid that in my freshman year of high school I made up a life to tell people since I was ashamed of the one I had lived.
28) I love sushi and could probably eat it every day of the week.
29) I've wanted to be a writer ever since I can remember and I swear I will have a book published one day.
30) It took me seven hours to compose this list.

Its sometimes a catastrophe but I would never want to end it.

Disclaimer: Suicide is not a joke. I am just a fucked up human being who deep down inside has a huge heart.

DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.

In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.

Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.

Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.

What is making my life right now.

Sorry for the lack of updates, its finals week in school right now and also I have been working in on a post for the last week but I am not quite sure of the situation and therefore how to write it. Hopefully soon things will be sorted out.

Besides chain smoking and consuming as much wine as I can, I have turned to a few things to help ease my stress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMltvlqEM54
I tried embedding it but it did not look right.

You will only find this funny if you are addicted to Angry Birds like I am. I find this fucking hysterical.

And like pretty much every other woman I am finding solace in online shopping. Makeup shopping in particular. A friend mentioned ELF - Eyes Lips Face to me and I am officially in love. From what I have tried (only lipglosses) it seems to be good quality and it is really cheap! I definitely recommend it, I actually just placed an order for mineral makeup since I have always wanted to try it and again, its cheap!

Pointless post but oh well, at least I made one. Enjoy the links!

Everyone else is doing it.

Since I have work in two and a half hours, laundry in its rinse cycle, curly hair and furry eyebrows, I decided to make a post and furthermore press myself for time today. 2010 was actually quite successful for me. I made a few mistakes, definitely learned a lot and overall made some changes that will affect me for the rest of my life. Here's a month-to-month look back at this past year of my life.

January 2010

I started this blog but wasn't too optimistic about keeping up with it. I guess I proved myself wrong. I pursued a job opportunity and started a DayZero Project as a way to keep my accountable with my goals for the near-future. I decided that I was going to stay single until I worked on myself enough first.

February 2010

I did not make one post however - I GOT A JOB! Quite possibly one of the two best things that have happened to me this year. I was very happy to start work and to finally start making money again. My sorority had formal recruitment and I officially became old when my little took a little of her own. I continued at St. John's and was actually doing pretty well with the semester at that point.

March 2010

I also did not make one post this month. In a moment of weakness I started things up with Minute Man again and we accidentally (because it was not the intention) became friends-with-benefits. Whoopsies. I went through training at work and became a certified teller. I started to become completely frustrated with my situation at St. John's and stopped going to class (!!) but worked my ass off and made MAD DOUGH, yo! So, I guess it could have been worse there. Also, things with Minute Man quickly ended because well, fucking duh. I vowed to never be that stupid again with a man.

April 2010

I made the biggest decision of my life. On Easter I was sitting with my cousin talking about life in general, where I felt mine was going etc… when I realized that I needed to make a change. I knew that I was not going to be able to finish St. John's. I was not able to the first time around and I knew deep-down that it was not what I wanted for my life. Not to mentioned the $100,000+ in debt I would have been after graduation and STILL having to go to grad school, it was just not sensible. I decided to look into court reporting, something that I have always found interesting. I knew a few friends from HS who are reporters and decided to ask them about it. My mother FREAKED out and basically told me I was on my own. So I took the initiative, made appointments with people and registered myself there. It was the biggest step I have ever taken on my own but I knew that good things were going to come from it. Minute Man got a girlfriend in like literally a week so that was my way of realizing that things were just never meant to be.

May 2010

I found it very hard to finish strongly at St. John's especially now that I had officially transferred out and was taking classes that would not transfer over to NYCI. Finals week was a complete joke and I bullshitted my way through all of them. I took what could have been a 4.0 semester (I was working that hard) and wasted it ALL away. Oh well, lesson learned. I also did the most fucked up thing that I have ever done to a guy and not even seven days later had it completely blow up in my face. I went to formal anyway, got shitfaced and made an ass out of myself. What else is new? I also started classes at NYCI and realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought.

June 2010

I got a little bored with the monotony of school/work/friends/rinse and repeat that my summer was about to become so I decided, like a moron, to subscribe to eHarmony. Just for shits and giggles, definitely looking to get a few laughs out of it. Laughs are definitely what I got. After some one disaster after another (and countless others) I decided to give up and change the premise of this blog from being about dating to being about myself.

July 2010

Never the one to easily give up, I decided to embark on a new dating journey with my best friend Dora and pretty much laughed at every desperate man that came my way. Dora seemed to have some success and I just ended up with the biggest creeps ever. I managed to find a normal seeming guy and then ended up having it not work out. I came to the conclusion that whenever I find a guy who seems to "get me", it never seems to work out. I also kept up with eHarmony because I was paying for it and ended up babysitting a child one Friday night.

August 2010

Since July had been cluttered with dating disasters and awkward moments, I decided to completely focus on myself and school from here on out. I realized that I have issues when it comes to dating and men but decided to put it all on the back burner. I purchased a MacBook and quickly realized that this would be the best credit card debt that I would ever have. I kept up with school and worked extra hours at work and finally realized that for the first time I was happy with where I am in life.

September 2010

Ah, my favorite month! I changed the name of my blog (for good!) and looked back on my life and realized how far I have come in the past year. I turned 23 and ended the semester, looking forward to a well-deserved week off. During that week I drove down to Lancaster, PA to visit Marathoner and her husband and had an amazing weekend. I also began a new semester and realized how tough it was going to be.

October 2010

Not much happened this month. School MURDERED me and I let pretty much every other aspect of my life (with the exception of work) take a backseat to it. One thing I wrote about was my Single-versary and I took a look back on how much my life has changed in the two years since Tight Wad and I had broken up. On Halloween I did something that I thought I would NEVER do in my life - I got a tattoo! and to me it was a sign of changing who I was for the better.

November 2010

This was a HUGE month for me school-wise. We started speed building in school and then testing. We took our 20 WPM and 30 WPM tests and I ended up getting 100 on both of them! I also got on the Dean's List which has ALWAYS been a goal of mine. I just felt so proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. On Thanksgiving I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. I started talking to the new guy and already began to create scenarios about how it was not going to work out.

December 2010

I started doing the Reverb10 prompts but then quickly stopped when I realized how every one of my answers were starting to sound the same. I went on a few dates with and started to really get to know the new guy. Of course I go crazy on him from time to time and so far he has been able to handle it. I am just worried that I am going to mess it up BECAUSE it seems to be going so well. I know, I sound insane but I am almost getting excited for it and I don't want that to cloud my judgment or make me blind to what really is going on. We took our 40WPM right before our Christmas break and I got 100 on that as well! It probably will be the last 100 I see but it was a great confidence boast to nail the first three speed tests that I took.

I really have to cut this short or else I am going to be late for work. There you have it, my 2010 in a nutshell, broken down by month. It wasn't always fun but for what I learned this year, I have absolutely no regrets!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!

Leave it to the holidays to make you realize how crazy you are.

Obviously I realize that I am crazy. Not only is it my twitter name but it is also the title and theme of my blog. I can't say that I am proud of it but I have definitely accepted myself for who I am. A fucking loon. I took a drive with my cousin Ms. Pulitzer to drop her grandmother off at home and we had a lovely discussion about this and the childhood events that could be blamed for my insanity. I figured since this is the season of giving and the fact that I have nothing better to do at the moment, I will share (some of) them.

1) I was not a planned baby.

Since my mother feels the need to hide basic details from me, I had no idea about this until some time last year when Ms. Pulitzer and her mom (my loving Aunt) just casually mentioned it in convo, thinking I had known about it. My mother was not my father's first wife. Actually she's not his second either. Or his third or fourth. For the mathematically challenged individuals out there, she was his fifth wife. Their wedding was his sixth though since he married his first wife twice.¹ When my father was married to his first wife they had three children; two daughters and a son. Unfortunately two days before Christmas their son (the youngest) died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Afterwards they decided they did not want to have anymore children so my father had a vasectomy. Then they divorced for whatever reasons² and he went on to marry other women, (yadda, yadda, yadda) and then somehow ended up with my mother. There was a 15 year age difference between my parents and my mother was in her mid-thirties when they met and married so my father was no spring chicken then. Now since we really are not close, I don't know how my mother felt about marrying a man who was only nine years her mother's junior much less one who had already had children and was "fixed" but knowing how she is, she definitely had a lot of comments and guilt that she fed to my father. I'm not sure how my mother managed to get pregnant, maybe vasectomies were not done right in the '60s but I was born. My father had not only raised his children already but was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was very young. My mother just had no idea what she was doing and this led to me not being disciplined and getting away with anything that I tried. It was all well and good until it became time for me to go to school and be around children my age because my um, "rambunctious" behavior definitely did not attract others to me.

2. I was poorly socialized.

This ties in with reason #1. Aside from half-sisters who were in their 30s and had children of their own, I was an only child. My parents both worked and were older so they really did not give me the attention that I needed and certainly did not bothering socializing me with other children my age. Before I started school the only other children that I knew were my cousins, Ms. Pulitzer (who is all of 9 weeks younger than I am) and her older brother. Since Ms. Pulitzer and I were forever put against each other (we even have the same first name) we did not get along at all and constantly fought. Also since I was not used to being around other children I clung to her, which definitely did not help the situation. As if that wasn't enough, we moved around the corner from my cousins and my mother decided to put me in the same school as them. Now we went to a small parochial school where there was only one class per grade and about thirty students to a class, so we were together all day long. Same problem, I clung to everyone since I was not used to being around kids and ended up driving everyone away from me. I was abused in grammar school (Ms. Pulitzer, who had friends, would chime in) and would often act out just for the attention. When I say that I had no friends, I literally mean that I had no friends. Like I would sit alone during the lunch period and just wonder around during recess, while everyone else was playing. As if that was not bad enough, the minute I got into high school I decided to completely make up an entire life to mask the one I had because I felt that it would better help me to make friends. Obviously it did not and I left high school with one or two girls who I still talk to and consider a friend.

Of course there are more things that have happened in my life but when it comes down to it, they always revolve around the two reasons that I listed above. As a result of this I am still somewhat socially awkward (it has improved, trust me) and I am a fucking neurotic mess. I think this partially has to do with being an imperfect perfectionist but also because I am terrified of people not accepting me. Growing up I was so used to having the people I tried befriending not liking me or becoming sick of me (I was told this to my face) so when I finally meet those who like me, I almost get too excited and eventually end up pushing them away. To this day Minute Man is still my favorite example of this, when he figured out that I was crazy homeboy fucking took off like a bat out of hell. I almost feel bad for the new guy because well A) he has to put up with me and B) nothing that I over-think and question (yes, he gets questioned) him about has to do with him. He said it the best when he had rhetorically asked if anything he had said/done caused me to question his intentions or where this was going. They haven't. In fact, he has treated me better than most of the men I dated but because he wants to take things slowly (which if anything should be a good sign) I take it as a bad sign and think that he must be getting sick of me. Hopefully I will learn to calm the fuck down, or get my hands on a prescription for Xanax before I do end up driving this one away.

All in all, Christmas 2010 was very nice. I had a great weekend with my family and Santa treated me very well. Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!

<sub>1. I guess she was his "one true love", especially since my father was about to leave my mother but ended up dying first.

2. I have heard that my father was a philanderer and apparently had cheated on every one of his wives with the exception of my mother since he was too sick/old.</sub>

Precisely why I am not allowed to like guys.

I seriously cannot handle myself anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I take pride in the fact that I am a neurotic little mess, hell I even have a blog about my life entitled "Color Me Neurotic" but sometimes I just take it way too far. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Now I have not really divulged into the mess that I have been with other men in my life. Mainly because I had not been blogging at the time or was and just did not feel like humiliating myself in front of the world (or whoever the fuck reads this). I could assure you that I have taken part in destroying some things. Tight Wad for one went really well, for a really long time but then when it fell apart, it was like the Vietnam War in the sense that it was prolonged, useless and not many (only him) survived. Since I have such a fucked up sense of humor I could actually laugh at the whole Minute Man situation. Unfortunately Dora is still trying to recover from that whole debacle. It is something that I can only describe as the "Train Wreck of Nikki Jo". I was deceiving, he thought I was some cool, level-headed, normal girl. When my neurosis surfaced, he ran like a bat out of hell. Obviously he could not handle me and who could really blame him? I'm a mess, however deep-down inside, I am an amazing girl who wants nothing more than to find someone who can catch her drift.

So it goes without saying that I am definitely one to lose her cool with guys. I guess it may be insecurity but I am not afraid of not being able to GET a man. Whatever, I'm overweight but I am still pretty and I have an awesome personality. I just am… different and as I have figured out, am too much for some people to handle. So I guess my real challenge is to find someone who can just accept and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I always manage to get excited when I find someone who just might do that and almost expect something to go wrong. I need to learn how to stop sweating the small stuff and just LET IT FLOW. I have to get over it and realize that just because it hasn't worked with anyone else does not mean that it will not work with anyone. I don't like to be blind-sighted with things so in my craziness I figure that if I prepare for failure I will not be hurt or affected by it. This all sounds somewhat logical except for the fact that I often take this preparation way too far and end up killing something that would have worked out otherwise.

I think I am starting to do this right now in a situation that I possibly have going in. This particular situation is not even blog-worthy (yet!) and I am still in KNOTS thinking of ways that it will not work. For sure I am going to drive this person away even though he seems to be fine with me being a crazy fuck. I don't know what the future holds for it though, I have yet to even meet this person but all I know is that my text message count with him is almost 1000 more than the ones I have with the members of my inner circle so maybe that says something. All I know is that I cannot worry about a situation that has yet to even develop. I guess I should be happy that I am at least logical and aware of my problem. I just wish that I could listen to my own advice and take a big fucking chill pill. Oh, to the man that I am going to marry - This will ALL be worth it, promise : )

Massive feeling of accomplishment

In all of my years at school I have never done this well. I just amazes me how much I am able to accomplish when I put my mind to it but at the same time it also angers me because I didn't have to waste three years of my life but not doing what I needed to. Whatever, this post is not to dwell on the past and the what-ifs, its to celebrate how much I am kicking school's ass right now.

This week was probably the busiest one I have had yet, I had midterms in both medical AND legal terminology and my first speed test. I was actually kind of nervous about it. Not because I was afraid I wouldn't pass it, its fucking 20 words per minute if I can't pass that then obviously I am not cut out to be a court reporter. It was more because we are now starting speed and the whole thing is becoming real. Its not secret around school how frustrating it is to build up speed and all the time you hear about people failing tests and being stuck at a certain speed (both are inevitable) and I am just nervous for that. I am nervous because 99% of the time -- the only exception being when I pledged my sorority -- I have given up when things are gotten rough. Right now it is easy because 20 words a minute is not that fast, at all and given how much I practice I should have NO problem getting my 30, 40 or even 50. Its after that I am nervous about because a lot of people I know have gotten stuck at 70. I just don't want to get frustrated and give up. I have to keep remembering that there is a reason this profession pays so well and that just because other people give up does not mean that I have to as well. It all depends on me now and how much I practice, that and that alone will determine how well I succeed at this.

So how have I done on my tests this week you wonder? I got a 100 on medical terminology AND a steno test that I took last week. And my 20 wpm? I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING 100!!! I seriously feel like it is a right of passage that we are in speed now. Let's hope I kick my 30 wpm's ass too. I have my legal terminology midterm tomorrow and I have been studying my ass off for it so hopefully I do just as well on it.

Also, last semester I made the Dean's List for the first time in my life (and crossed it off my my 101 in 1001) and today our school had a little shindig where they handed us out certificates.


Oh yeah. Dean's List yeah.

Anyway off to study for legal terminology. Have a great weekend lovelies!

Why I am never downloading another app on my phone again.

For those who do not know, a few weeks ago I traded in my beloved BlackBerry for a Droid phone. I ended up getting the Samsung Fascinate and I am in love with it and all of the cool things that it can do. The only thing I was missing was BBM. Most of my friends have BBM so it was just an easy way to keep in touch with everyone. Recently they came out with this new messenger named KiK that can be used with ALL smart phones. Intrigued and still mourning over BBM, I decided to download it. To make things easier KiK decides to make a list of "People you may know" and update it every time someone knew creates an account. I was fine with seeing friends of Minute Man pop up, even OK with seeing the Security Guard come up on my list and IM me. However, what happened this morning while I was sitting in my legal terminology class was just the last straw. I decided to open the application and what pops up on my screen? "You may know TIGHT WAD" … Yeah, NO SHIT I know him. I only dated him for three fucking YEARS. I have not seen or spoken to him in two years and honestly seeing his name just sort of threw me for a loop. I quickly closed the application and put my phone away in my bag. The guy who sits next to me turned to me and said that I looked like I just saw a ghost. I did, I saw a ghost of my relationships past.

For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.

Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.

Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.

Holy shit… This thing is never coming off

So on Saturday I did something that is not me. Something that I swore I would never, EVER do… No, I did not have a one-night stand - I GOT A FRIGGIN TATTOO! My father was a sailor and had many tattoos, one being a naked woman on his arm and um lets just say when HE got older, she did as well. He also had his name on one set of knuckles and his first wife's name on the other and when I was little I would ALWAYS ask when they were getting back together. My mother loved that. As a result of that I kind of swore off tattoos and any kind of major body modification. That is until Friday where I somehow grew the balls to want a tattoo. I was debating between a pink heart or a little ladybug on my wrist but I am definitely happy with what I ended up getting.



If you cannot tell, that is the Open Hearts Collection by Jane Seymour (yanno, Dr. Quinn). When Tight Wad and I first broke up I was OBSESSED with this collection and the quote If your heart is open it will never stay broken and not only with that but I have also had an open heart towards other things in my life and I feel that it has helped me get through them. I love it and I feel that the tattoo is very "Nikki Jo". I am already thinking about my next one but I am not sure where I should put it …

Today was the first FULL day off (from both work AND school) that I have had off in a long time. What did I accomplish? Absolutely NOTHING. My room is still slightly messy (blasphemy) and I have yet to do my laundry. Whatever, I still managed to sleep 10 hours, get my nails done and spend $40 to rebound a book that cost me $60. I also spent some much needed time with Dora! I had not seen her in almost two weeks and even though we could not go roaming today (stupid early sunset) we went out to dinner at Chevy's and discovering that our Angel was hired back! It made our reunion THAT much more meaningful. We just happen to have one of those friendships where we could go weeks without seeing each other and just sort of pick right back up from where we left off. I know she is going through a really tough time right now but I would hope that she knows that no matter what I will FOREVER be there for her.

With a new season comes new priorities.

Sorry I have not been posting as much, since the semester ended last Thursday and we have a week off from classes I decided to take off from work as well this week. I have been taking a lot of time to just relax and do the things that I will not have time to do once the next semester begins. Not gonna lie, it feels fucking AMAZING not to have any responsibilities. I guess this is why I loved living a lazy existence for so long. I have said it before and I will say it as many times as I deem necessary, I cannot believe that I am here and how proud I am of myself. I know its only one semester and I have to complete many others but given my history with school, having a successful semester is a huge deal for me. I am just kind of nervous about next semester and starting speed. Everyone says that building speed is one of the most frustrating things you will ever do so needless to say, I am freaked out. Ugh anyway enough about this court reporting shit on my week off.

This week I have been semi-productive. My aunt and I finally finishing decorating most of my bedroom, a project that has been in the making for three years now. I say almost because I have this corner tower thingamabob coming in the mail. Once that arrives my room will be complete and I will take some pictures. I am truly happy with the outcome of it so far and since it is such a change (we all know how I love change) it will just get some getting used to. One of my goals for this break is to flip my closet from summer clothes to fall clothes. I am convinced that I am starting to develop OCD because I have recently become obsessed with organizing and cleaning up things. To the point that I cannot rest without things in the room being fixed. I am sure my co-workers love this because not one person who I close with has had to clean for the past few weeks. The only thing else I could think of is nesting but since its been a one-way street down there for a few, I highly doubt it. Anyway, tomorrow my mother is taking off of work (solely to annoy me) I am taking advantage of it and recruiting mommy for a little shopping spree. I am paying of course but sometimes she will throw a shirt or two my way, just for shits. I figure once I buy all of my fall/winter clothes THEN i could convert my closet/drawers. I guess this is what you think and write about when you have no life. My school and work life have teamed up and turned my social life to shit. I guess its for the better though since I am starting to save money. Another thing I have been doing this break is going exploring with Dora! On Monday we went to a few more historical places on Staten Island and I took many pictures. (Whaddup Flickr) We also just talked about everything going on in life and it was just nice to have that kind of a day with her.

I have also done a lot of thinking this week. I have probably said this before but right now, I actually do not want a relationship. I am usually that girl who always needs to have a constant guy in her life but I don't know, I guess I just grew up? I just have a lot going on and unfortunately school is just going to become more and more demanding so this is something that I know I cannot handle right now. Since I have not had a guy in my life, it has just been so much less stressful and it has caused me to realize that it is just not worth it. Of course I have my um needs and all but that goes back to my learning how to separate sex from emotions. I guess that is one thing in life that I cannot plan (but we all know that I will try) so I guess this is a way that I could learn how to just go with the flow and let things happen. I just do not feel like dealing with the stress of if a guy likes me or if he is going to call/text me, I am on such a straight track with school right now that I do not need anything to deflect me. I guess I really am growing up...

So today was the first day of fall!! I celebrated by getting a dark color on my nails and toenails and by polluting the air in my house with apple cinnamon candles. The leaves are already starting to turn and hopefully soon enough the air will become cool and crisp! I am definitely looking forward to having a great fall and I hope everyone has one as well!

How many boxes of Kotex does one really need?

My mother and I are two completely different people. One of the major differences is with cleanliness/organization. It must be the Virgo in me because when I get the free time (which I have some more of now), I am a freak with organizing things. My mother on the other hand, is not. I don't know if I would classify her as a hoarder but she is not too good about throwing things out. Case and point, the upstairs (full) bathroom. Tuesday night I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to go to bed early (like 11:00) when I noticed how packed the bathroom cabinet was. Upon further investigation I realized that the majority of items crammed in there were about to celebrate their 3rd birthday. A half hour and a bag filled with expired products later, I was finally ready for bed. The amount of useless junk in the cabinets did not even COMPARE to what was actually under the sink. There was a mountain-sized pile under there just waiting to either capsize or have someone rescue it. Since I was off from work on Wednesday I decided that I would tackle that pile after school. So I put on some Eminem (best music to clean to), brought over the arsenal of cleaning products that I keep in my room, sat Indian-style on the bathroom floor and went to work. I threw out almost everything that was under there. Who knew that common items such as hydrogen peroxide and static guard have expiration dates? While I was cleaning things out, I found some mold. I had to send pics to Dora to clarify that it was in fact mold and not... presents from a little visitor. I seriously would not have recovered from that or finding the dead (or... alive) culprit in the back of all of this stuff. I guess this explains why I have this hacking cough in the bathroom and only the bathroom. Then I decided to tackle one of the drawers in the bottom of the counter. I could not believe all of the crap that I found down there! I swear we must own stock in Kotex or something. So I went on a throwing out rampage of all of the feminine products as well. As being the sole menstruating being in this household (the dog was sewn up), I feel that I have the authority to pick and choose which products I will use and will not. This is around the time that my mother came home from work. The conversation then proceeded to go a little like this:

Ice Crotch: "Um... why are you throwing out these perfectly good tampons?!"
Nikki: "I think I have the right to decide what I do and do not stick up my vagina"

Seriously, its not like I was throwing out anything that she might use one day. One does not need four different kinds of pads and three different types of tampons. Its not like I have the flood gates going, it comes every month for like 3-5 days. One box of each is sufficient. Don't even get me started on the twelve different kinds of floss that are in the toothpaste drawer. I guess I will get to that another day.

I have to go to work so this will be cut short but let this be a lesson to everyone - EVERYTHING expires eventually and even so often you should clean the bottom of your bathroom sink because it WILL get moldy.

Just a moment, while we return to your regularly scheduled programming...

So I made a post but then I TOOK IT BACK because well, I felt that it sucked. So while I hang out with my best friend/re-write the post please head over to Meg's all new Labor Day version of MIngle Monday. While you're there getting new followers/readers, check her out because she's pretty awesome!

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

So instead of practicing for the final that I have in approximately THREE hours, I am making a quick, little post. Clearly I have my priorities straight.

Basically I am surrounded by a whirlwind of change right now. For once, I changed my blog's layout/NAME/theme etc so, um... CHECK IT OUT if you have not done so already! One of my closest friends, Marathoner is moving to Lancaster PA in a little less than two weeks. I am basically done with this semester and am moving on to my Advanced Theory class and am kind of terrified about starting speed (I have to ultimately write at 50 words/minute to pass the class). I just cannot believe how quickly this semester went by. More so, I cannot believe that a mere six months ago,I would not have even THOUGHT of doing this or being where I am today. To top this all off, I just started weight watchers today (again) so my eating habits are changing and hopefully I will learn to exercise more.

My favorite change of them all? FALL! I absolutely love fall and the month of September (birthday month!) and cannot be more happy right now. I love when the air gets crisp and you need to start wearing cardigans and light sweaters. I love wearing uggs and being able to paint my nails those dark/almost black colors. I love love LOVE pumpkin spice lattes and sipping them outside on a cool morning. I love the beautiful leaves and just the smell of fall in general. I actually want to take the times to do things this fall, like pumpkin and apple picking. If my sorority does so this year, I will definitely go with them to the Breast Cancer walk/Fright Fest (a yearly tradition). I need to learn how to let go and loosen up a little more, I might start to enjoy life more if I do so. I never used to look forward to fall like this, it always meant back to school so it sucked but now I love it!

I cannot wait for my birthday this year which is a HUGE switch from last year. Last year I basically was unhappy where I was in life. I had a very low paying job where I had NO hours, I was in St. John's still and had basically no credits under my belt and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was coming off from Minute Man JUST ending things and overall was just in a bad place. Turning 22 did not seem like it was going to be such a great year of change. Boy, was I wrong! It took a few months but I finally got the hang of life. I guess it really does not matter how long you take to get there, just as long as you do.

a blog with no name...

So I still have not come up with an appropriate title or theme for my blog. I have had a few ideas but the consensus was that they were not going to work. I don't know how people have come up with these great names or have made those cute little cartoon-like headings. I just don't feel like "A Single Girl in the City..." is the best way to describe what is written in this blog. Granted, I mention living a single life and dabbling into the dating world and promiscuity but that is not what it I am all about. I am many things, mainly a girl who has a fucked up sense of humor, and is a neurotic nut-case who overreacts to any and everything that happens in her life. I'm a complete mess but at the same time, I have my shit together (for now). I am way to sensitive for my own good and the good of anyone who is involved in my life. I swear a lot and have an uncanny way of wording things. I am also the dumbest brunette one would ever meet. Just yesterday I asked a co-worker if a cardboard box was recyclable. Yet at the exact same time I will reference things such as the First Battle of Saigon and an Amish teen's Rumspringa in everyday language. If I cannot put a label on myself or my personality, how the hell am I supposed to put one on a blog that is about my life?

Perhaps I am thinking way too much into this ...

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming... Yesterday Ice Crotch and I took Marathoner out for her birthday. We went to Arirang and afterwards I went over Marathoner's to keep her company as she packed up her room. Next month her and her husband are moving back to Pennsylvania, for good. It did not really hit me until seeing her pack her closet. We did not really see each other often because of conflicting schedules but now it is going to be even harder now that she is not living two blocks away. Of course I am sad about this but I do realize that it is the best for her and her family. i just feel like it is so sudden. I knew that it was a possibility but down the road, not in 5 weeks. I was fine yesterday but I know I probably am going to lose it as it comes closer and closer. She is one of those people that I know are always going to be in my life. She is not only my sorority sister but she is one of my very best friends. I was in her wedding and I know that she will be in mine. As we danced at her wedding, I told her that I would bring my kids up to visit her and her kids in PA. and I meant that. I really cannot say that many people in my life will be here forever, so when I do say it, you best believe I mean it.

So, tell me about one of those special people in your lives!

If you ever felt that I was normal, I am here to prove you wrong.

Seriously! I feel that I am so wishy-washy right now when it comes to these two guys. Usually I am one of those girls who craves male attention, to the point that I receive an instant high from it. Right now, I have two guys who I am attractive to, that are interested in me. The needy psychopath inside of me is just beaming and jumping for joy but on the outside? I am calm and as cool as a cucumber. Maybe I am growing older? Being more selective? Not sure but I think this change might be for the better. Maybe I'll finally learn how to separate sex from emotions? That IS on my Knot List, along with dating two men simultaneously. Also, I just checked that list and with the purchase of the new MacBook (last time I mention this thing, I promise) I have doubled my credit card debt. Womp, womp.

I also feel that I may have valid reasons (other than just being a psychotic whore) to not have a high level of excitement over either guy. Electric Man for one has canceled twice 1/2 times on me already (I'll explain the 1/2 in one minute) for our first date/meetup and we've been talking for over a month already. There is just so much attraction/excitement that you can build over emails and texts and I think that we maxed that out within the first week of speaking. Long story short, it faded a little (on my end at least) but I feel that given these circumstances, it was natural. To think, I was excited about this one too! Now, the Security Guard did something last night that really put me off. We started talking sometime last week (I'd like to say Wednesday) and had our first date/meetup on Friday. All went well, said we would definitely do it again. I had fake plans this weekend because I felt that we were not at that level yet where I give up both of my weekend plans for you. Plus I did make tentative plans with Dora that ended up falling through so its not like I lied, I just twisted the truth a little. We texted more or less all day Saturday and all day Sunday and yesterday since I was busy I did not get to text him. I got home from school and went for mani/pedi/shopping/dinner/foolishness with Dora so when he ended up texting me at around 5 I did not get back to him until around 10 when I got home. We did the normal "Hey what's up?" and when I answered he simply stated "I feel like this is going nowhere." Now, of course I knew what he was referring to but I played a-loaf just for his sake, hoping that he really did not mean it. He feels that we are getting nowhere with this because I am busy or he's busy. Mind you, valid point, however... WE JUST MET ON FRIDAY. We met within three days. Its not like I pulled an Electric Man on him and had no time to speak to him/canceled three times already, I just did not text him back until five hours later. We had made tentative plans for Wednesday, which he then canceled because something with his friend needed him and ended with how he was going to be busy too next month when he started fire school. Ok, his point? Shit happens. Granted, I am a busy little bumble bee but I am probably one of the least busy people I know. So I explained that my life is going to be like this for a while, at least another two years and he never answered. Maybe he came to his senses and realized what a little needy bitch he was being?

Seriously, I am going to put on my ad Wanted: A man who has balls and is not a needy little bitch. See how much response I get from that one!

So over the weekend Electric Man and I had made tentative (and weather permitting) plans to go for a walk somewhere on the island. Dora had taken an impromptu sick day from work so we ended up going out. I have not seen her in almost a week so I was not holding out on my possible plans. I get a text from him at around 7 from him canceling again because he had to do something for work. He only gets a 1/2 though because technically I canceled first. He then explained that I caught him at the worst time and how his life is really hectic right now so I simply said to just let me know when it calms down a bit. See, I'm not crazy like the Security Guard, I cannot even imagine what he would have done in my shoes.

I just don't get how normally I would kill for this male attention, to the point of dropping our things (and people) to make plans with guys and do anything in the world to make sure they don't lose interest, which is really counter-productive when you think about it. I just feel like I don't know what I want anymore and that alone is something that is making me crazy.

So I guess my search continues...