Thursday, April 29, 2010

so on a scale from one (nice girl) to ten (complete bitch), where does this rank?

Holy hell, two posts in one week? It must be finals time!

I "liked" (since you can no longer become a fan?) of this page on facebook called "reaching the point where harmless procrastination meets "oh god im screwed" and unfortunately I am now at that point. I always do amazing at the beginning of the semester and it usually just takes one little thing to throw me off track permanently. This time it was a mere sinus infection that had me to the point of not being able to breathe. I had to miss school one day and that was it. Unfortunately this was a while, I was actually still hooking up with Minute Man again at this point and I have not been back to my 7:30 class since that day... until this morning, the last day of that class. I hate how I always do this to myself, I always have a really good chance of getting an A in almost every class and then I squander it. This time was even worse because of my "life changing" decisions made during Easter Break. I no longer saw a reason to attend class anymore because none of my classes will transfer over to NYCI, not even as electives. I showed up to the class today, for the first time since like St. Patrick's Day and was greeted with weird looks from not only my professor but from other members of the class. I completely missed everything but since I was doing so well in the class my professor decided to let me make up the work I have missed. I won't get in a good grade in the class, I don't want one nor do I feel that I deserve it, but if I receive a F I will have to wait six months before going to NYCI and that CANNOT happen. I think I'd just jump off the Verazzano and spare myself the trouble.

Well, its spring time and that can only mean one thing for a sorority girl - FORMAL TIME! My first three formals I was very lucky, I had Tight Wad as my boyfriend so I never had to scramble for a date. Last year (formal is always mandatory date) I took this guy that I knew from school who is a lot of fun. He ended up hooking up with another girl's date (another boy) in front of me and since I was sad about not being at formal with a date I loved, I did not appreciate that too much. Ironically, I ended up meeting Minute Man that weekend, who would have been the perfect formal date at that time. As an alumni, it is not mandatory for me to take a date so I lucked out this year. Since the majority of the girls I am close with are not going to formal I decided that I should take a date. Since we are truly single right now with no prospects I had to search for one. On impluse I decided to ask this guy in another fraternity who I knew had once had a crush on me. Slight problem though, A) I'm not at ALL physically attracted to him and B) he is socially retarded/awkward. It would be ok if he had more of a personality and I knew I would have fun with him but I don't think I will. Also, I plan to be a complete shitshow this night and I have to share a bed with him, if I hooked up with him I probably would hang myself. Yesterday I was sitting in the cafeteria and heard about another guy in a fraternity wanting to go to formal. While I am no where near attracted to this guy either, I definitely would want to take him more than the Idiot Savant. He is very funny, my age and I know I will have fun with him without having to "babysit" him, since most of his fraternity brothers are already going with other sisters. I just feel really bad because he sounded excited when I asked him and just really wants to go to formal. I'm going to try and see if another girl will take him. I would really like to take the funny guy because I also wouldn't kill myself if something happened after the formal. Not that I'm banking on it occuring but it would not be the worse thing to kick off my summer. I just can't tell IS about it today, since its his birthday and I don't want to make him feel bad on it.

Since when did I become such a bitch? I can never be the one to end things/do something in MY best interest. Case in point - Tight Wad and Minute Man. Both were situations that I knew I needed to get out of but THEY had to be the ones to end it, not me. I need to change this about myself. Oh well, more goals for the summer!

Monday, April 26, 2010

suddenly i see, this is where i wanna be

Well at least I made two posts in one month, which is the best I have done in a while. Life has just been busy lately and I have been making moves toward achieving what I want to. First things first, Minute Man now has a girlfriend. I wished him well and truly meant it. The only thing I am sad about is how I was dating him for the whole summer (which for the first two or so months went really, really well) and it was never made official yet he dates this girl for what seems like a few weeks and they're official. I know that deep down in my heart this whole thing is a blessing in disguise but it just sucked for a few minutes you know?

On to what I really wanna talk about.. I went to the NYCI and registered for classes. I'm taking 4 classes (14 credits) this semester, including a math class with my supervisor! I'm really excited, I just wanna work really hard and get through this already. It is really comforting to know that what I am doing is going towards something and I will be successful at it. My semester starts May 17 and ends on my birthday, September 17. Good grades seems like a fabulous birthday gift. With St. John's though, I have major transfer-itis. It has gotten to the point where I no longer care especially since most (if not all) of my credits from this semester are not going to transfer. I just have to make sure that I do not fail any classes since I think that if I do I will be forced to sit out for 6 months before going to school.

I've decided to make another big change in my life - I am getting a haircut! I know that seems small but to me it is huge. I can't even remember the last time I have had my hair short so I am terrified. I'm going to have the front touching my shoulder with side bangs and angles and then the back is going to be stacked but not too, too short. I'm excited though, I just hope it looks good. I'm also trying out new eyeshadow colors and such since I pretty much always look the same everyday. I will definitely post a pic of the new haircut so be HONEST. I'll just wear a bag over my head until it grows out.

Even though I was feeling a little burned about the whole Minute Man situation before I have decided to look on the bright side. FINALLY I will be single (well, at least single where I am ACTING single as well) and over 21 in the summer! Unfortunately I really won't be having much of a summer vacation anymore since I will be in school year round plus working at the bank but I will definitely have some fun. There are just so many things that I want to do before I get into another relationship. I really want to go to Fleet Week this year! Maybe its because my dad was a soldier but I just think that the uniform is sexy. Also I want to go to happy hour after class since I am already in the city and the gorgeous businessman is my type.

I just need to learn how to love myself and be happy with myself before I even think of letting someone else into the picture. I just need to settle my life and where I am going with it first and I feel that I am finally on the right path so, stay tuned and see...

Monday, April 5, 2010

now if i can only avoid cheesecake like i avoid you, we'd be in business

Well I definitely neglected this thing! SO many things have came together in my life since I last posted. Unfortunately some things have fallen completely apart as well.

Pledging came and went, we got in 9 amazing new girls (including my little little!) and it was just an amazing time to be a DEB. Of course theres drama but really what sorority does not have it. I started talking to minute man again and was actually really happy. I was working on not repeating the things that had caused it not to work in the past and just felt that things were different this time between us. About two weeks ago he texts me saying he just does not see it working out and now last week he tells me that he met someone else. Of course I'm crushed over this, I spent pretty much the last year of my life on and off thinking about this man, hoping it would work out and now it is over for good. We did a lot of talking last week and he flat out admitted that he just gave up. I will be the first to admit that I am not an easy girl to deal with and to please and to be quite honest - I LOVE that about me! I love that I am very complicated and a little crazy at times, it totally makes me who I am. I need someone who is not going to give up on me and that, I deserve much more than that. When I said goodbye to him I used the quote from Boy Meets World that Topanga put under her yearbook picture for Cory -

"I do my thing and you do your thing, you are you and I am I, and if in the end we end up together, its beautiful".

He said that he couldn't agree more and agreed that it was very fitting. Of course I am going to have that hope that one day it could all work out but because of recent events it is very obvious that this is not happening in the near future. It is time to move on, finally, because he has. I simply cannot be the only one still holding on, I will not allow it. I have done well with not contacting him (last spoke to him, told him to take care and not "be a stranger" and he said he wouldn't - its no longer on my terms) and even though its been difficult I have deleted him and his friends from my fb and have yet to look at his page today. I rememeber what I used to tell myself to not look at tight wad's page - I'd remind myself that it takes 23 days to build a habit and that if I go 23 days without looking I will no longer desire to. So I guess this is 1/23.

In other, more important news - I HAVE A JOB !!. In early February TD Bank called me for a second interview and the rest is history. I was offically certified as a teller in mid-March and have been working there part-time ever since. So far I really like my job, I have been doing well and learning everything and I really like the people that I work with. So I finally have a job and I am paying my bills off! I cannot wait to be completely out of credit card debt and to start living a better, more comfortable life :)

So I am doing well this semester, of course it is challenging but so is any other 18 credit semester but I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I am 22 years old, I'll be 23 later this year and I am just completely stuck in the same spot. I am basically on the same level as a 20 year old (thank GOD I do not have the same mentality though!) and it is killing me. Although it was not said, I'm sure that this had something to do with me and Minute Man not working, we are in two different places in our lives! This is not only for him though, it goes for anyone who is my age and I am sick of it! On top of, I cannot see myself as an event planner! I would love to maybe own my own catering hall one day but I honestly do not see myself doing this right now. So I made an executive decision - I will NOT be returning to St. John's next semester! I am just not a school person and I always thought that that was what I had to be and that I had no choice. I have decided to attend the New York Career Institute for Court Reporting. It is an Associate's program that with my credits I could possibly complete this degree in less than two years. It is also in high demand so I will more than likely have a job! It is also high paying and NYCI costs a lot less to attend than St. John's does so I will be able to pay my bills off a lot more quickly than I would if I finished at St. John's. Words cannot express the relief I feel right now! I am very unhappy with where I am in my life and I feel that this is a positive step forward to fixing that. I have an appointment next Monday with the admissions counselor and I am bringing all of what I need for it. The campus is literally down the block from a school that I once attended so I will have no trouble getting there. The next semester starts May 17, one week after finals end at St. John's. I guess having a summer break is over-rated but I really want to get a move on with this.

I do promise to keep up with this more, I've just been super busy as you can tell!