I'VE MOVED MY BLOG

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Moved.

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Moved!

I wiped out everything in my blog - please follow it here http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Thank you!

MOVED!

I've decided it was time for a change and moved my blog here - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Please follow!

Starting over, yet again.

I wanted a new start, so I moved my blog over.

Follow it here please - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Change is definitely needed.

It seems like it has been forever since I began this blog, especially when you think about where I was in my life.

Then? I was 22 years old and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was 40 lbs heavier, still dealing with the pain of a breakup and having it screw me up with dating other men. I had no job and had bled my savings dry. Obviously, I was in a bad place.

Now? I am 24 years old (still not used to saying this), have had a decent-paying job for over a year and a half, and am more than halfway done with court reporting school. I'm still single but it is a choice that I have made. I just have more important things to worry about in life than if a boy is going to call me or if he feels the same way that I do. Not to say that I will turn away a man who sweeps me off my feet, but I am definitely holding out for someone who is worth the frustration.

I am just now starting to let go of the thought that I have wasted away the last six years of my life. Although in an ideal world, I would have graduated school in 2009 and (hopefully) have a job, I would not be where I was today if I had done things correctly. I don't know if I would have ever met Tight Wad, and even though things do not work out with him, that relationship had taught me a lot about love and life. I don't know if I would be closer and not talking to some of my friends, so I am glad that I am where I am today. It also helps that many of my friends in school are my age or a year or two older, so I am not the only one in this boat. It is just overwhelming to think about the amount of money in loans I will have to pay back before I can catch up with everyone else and move on with my life.

So with all of that said, I feel that this blog needs a change as well. I like the name and really do not feel like going through the trouble of switching names, but I don't feel it is necessary to stay here. I have this name over at Wordpress but am not quite sure how to work that site. Most of the people who have followed this blog have probably forgotten about it anyway, so maybe it will be better to move it over there.

Well, I am definitely not getting any younger...

It has been about two months since my last post and I can honestly say that I miss it. I will get ideas in my head of what to say but when it comes down to staring at this blank screen, I am just that - blank.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely despise my birthday. Between sharing it all of my life with my grandparent's anniversary, not having any real friends through middle/high school, and having a boyfriend who couldn't care less about it; I have had anything special happen on it. For some reason, unfortunate events always seem to occur on September 17 and this year I was hoping to break the curse.

Friday night after having dinner with a small group of friends, I ended up in a bar that I somewhat despise. I always meet the creepiest of men when I am there and the bar is just over-all grimy. Having one of my pledge sister's boyfriends spot the cover charge for us made it all worth it though. I ended up meeting a girl with almost the exact same tattoo that I have, on her wrist as well. After a while, everyone had to leave earlier, leaving my friend K and I as the last girls standing.

It was then, that something that I had no expectation of happening, occurred - I met a guy. It started off with me kissing him on the cheek for luck during his pool game (he won!) and ended up with him and I discussing Sigmund Freud and our life dreams at 3AM in a bar. Feeling elated that I not only met a cute guy, but an intelligent one at that, I dismissed myself to use the restroom as he promised to be there when I returned. After some bathroom fun (an entire group of girls singing Happy Birthday to me), I decided to return to my suitor, to only realize that he was GONE. Apparently, he was walking over towards K (who knows his friend) and busted his ass, drenching himself with my drink and his. Also, their other friend had called telling them to get to the airport for the flight they were on later that day.

I feel like I have had a Craigslist missed-connection. The cynic in me is saying that if he really was interested, he would have made sure I was given his number or vice versa. In reality, he was drenched and probably was concerned with getting the fuck out of there. He also left on a plane a few hours later to go to California and won't be back until late next week. At least K and his friend have each other's numbers so all hope is not lost, yet. I just hate having to deal with middle men and would rather have things happen on my own accord, but whatever.

Thanks to my bladder, I narrowly missed getting my birthday kiss. I guess I really am getting old.

Enough is enough.

Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?

Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.

I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.

I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.

I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

The most immature of them all.

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.

Nikki's Favorite Things

In lieu of a post discussing the more serious things that are cluttering my mind, I am giving you this excuse for a post. I hope everyone had a Happy Easter/Passover!

The NOOK Color

This is one of my favorite things that I own and by far, one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received. I used to read a lot when I was younger and thanks to the NOOK, I have fallen back into that hobby. It is a tad pricer than the regular NOOK, but with the backlight and full touch screen, it is well worth the price. Some of the books that are currently in my library are: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (just finished it today), Something Borrowed, The Great Gatesby, and A Place of Yes. I love how light it is to carry with me and I often read on the bus ride to and from school.

MacBook

In a rather impulsive moment last August, I decided to purchase something that I have had on my wish list for almost two years - a white MacBook. In hindsight, I should have waited until I had paid off my credit card debt, but I just wanted it that badly. Also, I should have opted for the MacBook Pro but I was just dying to have the white laptop. I am obsessed with this machine and all that it can do. I will never buy another PC again, unless its for work.

elf Makeup

One of my best friends recommended this site to me and I have been obsessed ever since. Good quality makeup that is super, super cheap. Most of their products are only $1 each and their mineral makeup items run for about $6 each. Fucking amazing!! Plus, they almost always have promos with free shipping (like right now!) so you truly cannot beat it.

Samsung Fascinate

Late last year, I desperately needed a new phone. My beloved BlackBerry was dying and I really wanted the iPhone but Verizon still was not carrying, so I ended up with the Fascinate. Even though I still have a slight case of iPhone envy, I am obsessed with this phone, which in my opinion is the closest thing to it. There are TONS of free apps in the Android market and the phone never freezes.

Wen by Chaz Dean Hair Care

I don't care how expensive this shit is, I will never go back to regular shampoo. I have very thick, coarse, almost "nappy" hair and this works miracles for it! My hair takes less than half the time to style now and it is so much easier to work with.

Fuck Oprah, my list is way better ; )

GTKY Sunday - 4/17

1. What's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would? Lamb.
2. Plastic surgery..yay or nay? Whatever makes you happy and makes you feel more confident in yourself.
3. Two things you love about spring are.....? The weather; not too hot and not too cold, and that feeling you get when you first realize that the days are getting longer.
4. When's the last time you went on a picnic? Never? I don't think I have ever been on one.
5. What's your favorite app? Without a doubt, HopStop. Even though I have lived in New York, I am still pretty clueless when it comes to navigating the city with the subways. This app is a HUGE help.
6. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? My mom does lol. Sometimes I come along for the ride.
7. Would you rather take a spin class or zumba? Zumba! I have been meaning to try it.
8. How often do you go out to dinner? Before I started Jenny Craig, two to three times a week. Now? Maybe once a month, at most.

No April Showers here this year.

For the past six or so years, if I was involved with someone, it always seems as though the shit has hit the fan during the month of April. Being the emotional beast that I am, it always caused me to cry my eyes out.

In April of 2005 I was still toying with the idea of going back to my ex-boyfriend. He was my prom date and for some reason that gave me hope that things might work out between us. He had always taken me back (though we only really dated once) before, so I figured things would not be different. Unfortunately, they were and I learned that the hard way. Through this experience I learned the lesson that the way to a man's heart is not through his penis. Unfortunately to this day I am still struggling with that one.

I don't remember specifics but April 2006 (I just remember it being the night before Easter) we had our first real fight of the relationship. Plus I had also lied to him this month, about something huge and had yet to build up the courage to tell him.

In April of 2007 he broke up with me, and it seemed like it was out of nowhere. He did it over the phone, since he was not going to be able to come home for the next few weeks and didn't feel like dragging it out. This led to what I will always refer to as my "summer of hell." The day after we broke up we were hit with a noreaster and I remember feeling that it was symbolic of how much I had cried the night before. Somehow we survived it though and stayed in our quasi-relationship for a year and a half longer.

In April of 2008 my grandfather had just gone into the hospital and I had given Tight Wad a lot of shit about not coming home that weekend and being there for me. We almost broke up, again, because of it but after some cooling off and thinking, we were ok. Little did I know that a month later, when my grandfather passed away, he truly would not be there for me.

In April of 2009 I was still mourning the loss of that relationship and trying to find myself again. Nothing really happened during April that year but I still wasn't truly happy.

In April of 2010 the back and forth with Minute Man finally came to an end when he met a girl (his now-girlfriend). I don't know exactly what I was sad about because deep-down I always knew that things were not going to work between us. I also knew that he was always there. If we hadn't talked in a while and I was craving some male attention, I knew that I could BBM him and things we start back up (somewhat) again. Now that he was with someone else, it meant that that was ended and that he was truly moving on. Of course it was for the better and to my knowledge him and that girl are still together now, a year later, so I am very happy for him.

So in April 2011… Hm, there is absolutely no man-drama going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have shit in my life that I need to deal with but none of it is being caused by a man. There is something really liberating about this and it makes me all the more happy about not being involved with anyone.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )

Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.

I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.

I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.

I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...

GTKY Sunday - 3/27

1. What inspires you?
Seeing other people succeed at similar things that I want to succeed at.

2. What was the last thing you bought yourself?
A pink case for my Nook.

3. Would you rather watch a movie in a theater or from the comfort of your own home?
I'm paranoid about bedbugs so definitely from the comfort of my own home.

4. Household chore you don't mind doing?
General cleaning. I find something very relaxing about it.

5. Coffee or tea?
Coffee.

6. What could you eat every day and not get sick of?
Nutella.

7. What's the last book you read?
I'm currently reading A Place of Yes by Bethenny Frankel.

8. Do you think you look you "look" your age?
I think I do but sometimes people say that I look like I'm 18 or 19.

Passing Notes 3/25

I saw this on Meg's blog and thought that I would try something new today. Excuse the shitty hand-writing, poor grammar and poor spelling.



If you'd like to participate, click the above button and follow the link to her blog.



Have a great weekend!

Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.

I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat¹, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.

I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?

Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.

Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?

_{1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.}

I'm not Irish but you could kiss me anyway.

Today is March 17th, which means that you have 6 more months to shop for my birthday present. Annnnddd it also means that it is St. Patrick's Day! Even though I am not Irish I have always celebrated this holiday as if I were. Except for this year of course since I had to be the only tool to give up alcohol for Lent. Oh well, it will be well worth it because I can be a hot, skinny Nikki at the bar next year hitting on cute Irish lads.


(image credit: Google)

I hope everyone has a fun, safe St. Paddy's Day and a minimal hangover tomorrow morning!

Always Have Self-Respect.

When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.

Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.

Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.

Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.

I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.

Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...

Growing the hell up - part duex.

In my last post I mentioned the happy hour with Katie (Date me, D.C.) and PYT (DATERVIEW) and how much of an eye-opener it was for me. PYT had to leave early but hopefully we will definitely be hanging out again soon and for a longer time. (Katie, come back to NY!) This is going to sound super-duper creepy but I don't care, I admire Katie. She is an excellent writer who has done things in her life to improve herself. Of course she falls down, makes mistakes, creates awkward moments at time, but she always bounces back and recovers from it in the end. Recently we have both gone through similar situations with men and how she was able to walk away from something that she knew would hurt her is amazing. I hope that one day I will have the strength. I suggest that anyone reading this should check her blog out - she is AMAZING!

Since I made 2010 the year of Nikki I have decided to make 2011 the Year of the Whore. This is not news, I have been saying this now for the last two months since things with that guy started to go sour (AKA since I fucked it up) but I have never felt confident enough to publish the posts about it. Its not that I want to be a whore, I just want to learn how to separate sex from emotions. This is more than just getting laid, I feel that this is something that comes with maturity. If anything, I will definitely learn when to walk away with men, something that I have always struggled with.

As far as relationships are concerned, I really do not care to be in one or try to start one at this moment. I am just so much more relaxed when I don't have a man in my life and I really need to stay that way for a long time. I've always been a hopeful romantic so I know that somewhere, out there, is the man who is perfect for me. I seriously thought that the guy was perfect for me, he understood my personality/sick sense of humor, got all of the dorky references that I made and most importantly, made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything and while things were going well, he was really nice and very considerate of me. On the bad side, his communications skills are not up to par and that is a huge reason why things would have never worked out between us. I just excites me that there is a man out there who is just as awesome as that guy was, only better and more suited for me.

The year I grow the hell up - part 1.

Last Saturday two of my favorite bloggers Katie at Date Me, D.C. and PYT (obv not her real name) at DATERVIEW co-hosted a happy hour in the city. Katie always hosts them in D.C. and being this was her birthday weekend, wanted to do it up here for a change. I had a lot of fun, met some great people and was happy that I went. From the conversations I came to realize that I was the youngest one there. Nothing wrong with that, its just I felt very immature and inexperienced compared to all of the things that everyone else had likely gone through. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how she is so easy to bounce back from a disappoint in life, especially when with a guy. Of course things happen that hurt her but she does not let it be the end all of her life. I guess that this is something that comes with experience and I am more than ready to become more mature in this aspect.

I feel that I have so many things to improve on in my life - I need to stop making such a big deal out of things that do not deserve it. I need to stop worrying about what might happen and just focus on what is happening. I need to learn how to stop caring about what others think and to just truly let loose and be the real me. I need to learn how to stick with things with the going gets tough. Finally, I need to accept that sometimes things are not meant to work out in life and its OK if it does not.

I know that I will not be able to learn all of these lessons overnight but I am willing to work on myself. I feel I am making some progress though, I have sang karaoke in public twice now and can honestly say that I have not once texted him. If you are new and need to know who him is, just read back a few posts. He never got to the point where I gave him an official name in my blog, which speaks volumes for how much I should have not cared. When the whole Minute Man debacle happened, I went back two or three times for more thinking it would be different. For some reason, I know that if me and that guy were to stop talking again, things would not be the same. I just have to take it for what it was, and move the hell on. There is a reason that it did not work out and eventually I will see it.

I have more to write on this but I need to get ready for work. So part 2 is coming!

Jesus was never my homeboy.

One would think that 18+ years of a going to a catholic school would shape me into your normal bible-banging slut, but actually it has done the exact opposite. Religion is not one of the things that I prefer having shoved down my throat (snicker) and I don't remember the last time that I went to church other than for a wedding or funeral. As most Catholics and anyone with a Twitter account knows, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - also known as the beginning of Lent. Catholic tradition is to abstain from something for 40 days during the Lent season, which ends on Easter Sunday. On top of what you choose to give up you should also abstain from eating meat on Ash Wednesday and Fridays. If memory serves me right, this is to symbolize the suffering that Jesus did for us. Well now that I have given you all a religion lesson, onto why this concerns me.

I have decided to participate in the Lenten tradition and abstain from something for the next 40 days. Since being on Jenny Craig means that I am already not having unhealthy foods, I choose to abstain from alcohol and napping. I always ruin my perfect week with drinking on Saturday night so obviously this will be a huge help to me. Also napping because I am far too lazy and definitely need to practice and increase my gym routine. I don't think I am going to go as far as attending church regularly but this is definitely something that I could see working to my advantage. The only disadvantage is that I am most likely going to get shitfaced on Easter. I got shitfaced on Christmas Eve and was a babbling mess who ended up making my mother cry. Not from her shame but from the jokes that my cousin and I were saying about her. To think, she actually has said that I don't have a sense of humor.

In other news, as of this Friday I will officially be credit card debt free!! I cannot begin to tell you how much of a relief this is, I can actually begin to build my savings account back up. Of course I still have about 10 million to pay back in student loans. Unfortunately I will not be able to pay these off as quickly as I did with my other bills.

I'm more than just an option. (hey, hey, hey)

I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.

I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.

Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.

Well, at least I am not trying out for American Idol.

A highlight of my junior year of high school was when the daughter of one of my school's religion teachers tried out for American Idol. She ended up making the worse of the worse list and giving quite an unforgettable performance.



Side Note: Her and her mother are extremely religious, which makes Simon's remark even more amazing.

Like everyone else I basked in the glory and made fun of her for it but deep down inside I admired the balls that she had for actually going on national television and trying to sing. It shows that she truly does not care what other people think about her. This weekend, I think I took a step in this direction. I DID KARAOKE. To most people this is not a big deal at all, some even do it weekly, but to me - this was huge. We went out for Dora's birthday and after dinner ended up at Karaoke Boho in the Village. While I was not in driving condition, I definitely was not as drunk that I thought I would need to be for karaoke. My singing voice is similar to that of a pre-pubescent boy whose balls are about to drop, but I still managed to have fun while singing. This does not mean that all of my issues are cured, but this was a big step for me. And I got to cross something else off of my Day Zero Project.

This will be the year that I fall in love.

…with myself, that is.

There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.

I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.

In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.

So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.

Well, so much for that.

Life kind of got in the way of the 30 Day Challenge and I got so busy with school/work/life that I haven't really kept up with it so oh well, so much for that.

Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.

Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.

I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.

So now everyone knows how exciting my life is.

Today was the first day of the new term at school. I am now officially done with my theory classes and am in the 50-70 speed class. Since I am going for my 70, I can test out of this class within the next week or so if I pass the 70. Honestly, I cannot wait to do this. Aside from having my friends with me, I really cannot stand some of the people in my class and just want to get away from them and the negativity that they bring. Also the next class (80-90) is taught by the teacher that I had for my first theory class and she was amazing. I got my grades from last semester - two A's and an A-. Of course the A- kills me because its so close to perfect but I will definitely accept this. My term GPA is a 3.92 and it brought my cumulative up to a 3.89. I have never worked so hard and done this in school before, needless to say, I am extremely proud of myself. I have come along way in these last 9 months and I can only hope to continue my success.

DAY 12: Bullet your whole day.

• Woke up, let the snooze go off 10 times, every 5 minutes.
• Finally got out of bed and got into the shower.
• Straightened my hair, got dressed and was out the door in record time.
• Lugged my steno stuff and ice-skated my way to the bus stop.
• Hit no traffic and got into school super early.
• Received my new schedule and grades from last term.
• Practiced for a bit then met up with my friends and went to class.
• Went for lunch with everyone and then stayed later at school to practice.
• Met up with my mom and the bus stop and took the bus home with her.
• Ate dinner, cleaned my room and did my laundry.
• Finishing up this post, going to read for a little and then go to bed.

I have some stuff on my mind but honestly I am way too tired right now so I will write about it in the near future.

Maybe this is why I have such great luck with men.

DAY 10 Discuss your first love and first kiss.

I'll start with my first since it is a shorter story. My first kiss was with my first boyfriend. It was the summer going into my junior year of high school and I was 15, turning 16¹. I met him through friends and had really liked him. The day of the kiss I met up with him on the bus (he lived in Brooklyn and was already on it) and we went to Toys R Us. We were standing close and I had said something funny and/or cute and he smiled at me and I almost lost my breakfast. I guess I had never looked at his teeth before but they were disgusting. I'm not talking crooked -- although he does have a terrible tooth-to-gum ratio -- but like dirty, as though he had not brushed or flossed his teeth in weeks. To top it off, he was the worse kisser ever. So obviously this one did not last too long and I ended up being a complete bitch to him and avoiding him until he broke up with me. Perhaps this could be the reason for my bad luck with men. I would go on to kiss a dozen or so more terrible kissers until …

I met Tight Wad, my first love. He has this name because he was very cheap, at least with me. We ALWAYS split everything which is fine I guess but I can count on one hand how many times he had paid for me over the course of three years. I even paid for my 21st birthday dinner which was all of $10 because we had gone for half-price appetizers. Of course things weren't all bad, I did fall in love with him and stay in love with him for a long time. Things just felt natural with him but over time I realized in my heart that we were not going to be together forever. When my grandfather passed away, two and a half years into our relationship, he was not there for me at all. He did not even come home from school because it was inconvenient for him to come home on weekends that he had not planned to². I just could not get over how disrespectful that was and for the remaining five months of the relationship I proceeded to make both of our lives a living hell. Of course I cried when we broke up, it was a chapter in my life that was ending and it meant that things were going to change. They say that breaking up is an act of love for yourself and the other person and after going through that, I could not agree more. While the relationship did not work out, I learned how to love with all of my heart and to be forgiving of others when they deserve to be given another chance. I also learned that I should never lose myself (again) in a relationship and that sometimes in life you need to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.

Side Note: To my knowledge, both of these men are in loving relationships, as is Minute Man. I am starting to feel like the female version of Good Luck Chuck. Awesome.

DAY 11 Put your iPod on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up.

1) Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There
2) Weezer - Holiday
3) The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
4) Foo Fighters - The One
5) Billy Joel - She's Always A Woman
6) L'Italiano - The Sicilians
7) Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree
8) P Diddy - Hello Good Morning
9) *NSYNC - I Drive Myself Crazy
10) Destiny's Child - Survivor

<sub>1. Being socially awkward and not knowing how to use a flatiron might have contributed to me being a late bloomer in this department.
2. Shit you not, those were his EXACT words.</sub>

My problem is that I focus too much on the future instead of living in the now.

DAY 08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Honestly, I have yet to feel completely satisfied with my life. As of right now, I am content with where my life is going but until I get there, I won't be completely satisfied. I am just happy to finally have a direction, as opposed to just wandering around aimlessly like I had done for the first 22 years of my life.


DAY 09: How you hope your future will be

I hope to make enough money that I could live comfortably, without being in debt, and afford to buy the things that I want. I hope to meet the man of my dreams (yes, I believe he is still out there), marry him and have children. Most of all what I want is to just be happy. So many people go through life hating their job, their spouse and overall path they have chosen in life. I vow to never be that person and to wake up each morning thankful for what I have. Of course my life won't be easy, that man and I will probably fight (I mean, he's marrying me) and other obstacles will be thrown my way, but I hope to just keep my head held high through it all.

One of my resolutions for this year is to stop thinking about the future and live in the moment. This has always been a problem of mine, combined with anxiety surrounding what is going to happen. For one, take the situation with Dusty (AKA the new guy, he would understand the name). Things were going pretty well with that, he showed interest in me and treated me very well. Instead of enjoying it -- which I definitely did to an extent -- I constantly thought about what was going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind, based on things that he was saying and how things were going, that it would have eventually evolved into a relationship but now I am not so sure. I just feel that he was different from the rest, yet I did not treat him like that. Instead I treated him as if I was just waiting for him to fuck up and screw me over and never really gave him a chance. In an effort to prevent myself from getting hurt, I managed to push him away and mess up something that could have been great. Unfortunately I cannot change what I have done, all I can do is to just give it time and hope that if it was meant to be, it will happen.

I am bitch, hear me roar.

Today I took an impromptu day off from school because well, I can. My grades are already in so the absences won't lower my grade for steno and since my teacher can no longer give 70wpm speed tests, I really am not missing much. I am not sure if I want to take tomorrow off as well and just clean my room/organize things for the new term. I am definitely going in Thursday though. It is our last class with our teacher (until we hit the 160-180 class) and he was amazing. I don't know, I'll decide by the end of this post. So while watching Maury this morning and eating pretzels with Nutella (best couple ever!) I realized that I should take advantage of this day and not be lazy. I decided it would be a grand idea to put the TV stand together that came about a month ago and was still in its box behind the couch. I have been waiting now over three years to complete my bedroom and this is the final thing that has to be done. So I cracked open a bottle of wine (and its cork, for that matter) and somehow managed to lug the 80 pound box (which is as tall as me) up the stairs. True to my organized self, I laid everything out on my bed and once all of the parts and screws were accounted for, I went to work. I assembled the first half of it rather quickly but then ran into a part that required a second set of hands to stabilize the piece while I screwed it -- that's what I said -- in place. In total it took seven hours, cost me a ½ bottle of wine and a blood clot but I am definitely proud of myself!


Seriously, who needs a man?

DAY 07: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a true Virgo. I can go on and on about this but I will spare you and just post a few examples off of websites that display the qualities of a Virgo.

Highly intelligent, Virgos also possess a clever, sarcastic sense of humor that shows an awareness of yourself and others. You are also very observant and have an eye for detail. This is of course how you get your reputation for being fussy and nitpicking - you can see things that other people miss. You are a perfectionist and details are important to you. (Source: All About Virgo)

Virgo females also need to know exactly where they stand. She is not necessarily adverse to a brief romantic fling, as long as she is made aware of that fact from the very beginning. (Source: Virgo: Relationships and Compatibility)

While Virgos can be worrywarts, they do their best to temper these impulses. (Source: Astrology.com)

Those are just some of the many traditional Virgo qualities that I possess. While I agree with my sign, I do not allow horoscopes to rule my life. If I did, I would not have dated half the men that I have had or be friends with some of the people I am friends with. I just think the facts are interesting, especially when my horoscope is dead-on for exactly what is going on with my life.

Oh, and for those keeping track, I am taking another day off tomorrow. I have to clean my room, put all my stuff in my new TV stand and go to the dentist.

30 not-so-interesting facts about yours truly.

Today began what I like to refer to as the "Stress free week of school" AKA the week between terms when academic classes have ended and all we have to go in for is our steno classes. While its a pain in the ass to wake up and commute for 2 hours (3 with traffic) in total just for one 90 minute class, it is really nice to have a week that I don't have to worry about studying or doing homework. Since I have gotten home from school I have been watching season two of Sex and the City in its entirety and I have never felt more relaxed. Or more self-aware.


Me in my sophomore year of high school. I figured this was appropriate for this post.

DAY 06: Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

(I cannot guarantee that all, if any, of these will be interesting)

1) I was born and raised in Staten Island. I've lived in four houses, all within a three mile radius of each other.
2) I have 9 nieces and nephews and only two of them are younger than me.
3) I make amazing brownies from scratch yet if I make them from a box they suck.
4) I probably could not keep up a conversation in Italian yet I am able to sing Christmas songs for you.
5) I was banned from my senior prom one week before it.
6) I never got into Harry Potter. I made it halfway through the first book before giving up.
7) It took me 22 years to figure out what I am going to do with my life.
8) I have handled money in every job that I have had (with the exception of one).
9) When I was 8 I watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries that absolutely traumatized me.
10) As a result, I need to have the TV on to be able to fall asleep. (unless I'm with someone else)
11) I know how to read and write in stenography shorthand, which is like a whole other language in itself.
12) I am obsessed with old things like buildings/billboards and such.
13) I have never left the country, or the east coast for that matter.
14) I SUCK at parallel parking yet I can maneuver into a normal spot like a boss.
15) I tend to use terms like "whaddup Oprah" and "shappens" in every day language.
16) I'm extremely sarcastic and have a really fucked up sense of humor.
17) Pink is my favorite color yet you will hardly see me wearing it.
18) I love pugs.
19) My current pug Tammy is lying next to me and my childhood pug Bandit is lying in a tin can in our wall-unit.
20) I still remember how to tap dance and all first five positions of ballet.
21) I have the ability to laugh at myself and sometimes I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane.
22) I'm from Staten Island and I have managed to get lost while driving to the Jersey shore.
23) I used to hate beer when I was younger but now I am developing a good taste for it.
24) I was born on my grandparent's anniversary.
25) I have never broken a bone in my life.
26) I have a vivid imagination.
27) SO vivid that in my freshman year of high school I made up a life to tell people since I was ashamed of the one I had lived.
28) I love sushi and could probably eat it every day of the week.
29) I've wanted to be a writer ever since I can remember and I swear I will have a book published one day.
30) It took me seven hours to compose this list.

Its sometimes a catastrophe but I would never want to end it.

Disclaimer: Suicide is not a joke. I am just a fucked up human being who deep down inside has a huge heart.

DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.

In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.

Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.

Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.

How religious I am is relative to how much alcohol I have consumed.

DAY 03 Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I really don't have any views on this. I mean, to each their own as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else. I do believe that they should both be done in moderation and if you can't do that, than don't touch them at all. I know, much easier said than done.

DAY 04 Your views on religion.

I had the privilege of attending catholic school from when I was in preschool until college. Of course this means that I was forced to attend mass weekly, receive all of the sacraments and sit through a daily religion class. In high school I kind of rebelled against it and chose not to go to church or practice catholicism any longer, outside of what class/etc… that we had in school. When choosing to go to St. John's religion had no bearing on my decision. It was either go there or the local community college that I refused to go to. At St. John's you pay $30,000 a year (unless you are on scholarship or qualify for financial, neither of which I did) and you are forced to take 9 credits in both theology classes and philosophy classes. I don't judge people for what they believe in but I disagree when they force it down someone else's throat. Not everyone who attends St. John's is catholic yet they are still forced to sit through three theology classes. Last spring I was taking the first level theology class and our final term paper was to relate class material to a personal religious experience and since I was transferring out of that school (the theology credit not following me) I decided to have a little fun with the paper. I wrote about not having a personal religious experience and what I felt were the hypocrisies of catholicism. My professor was extremely religious and by the looks of my final grade did not quite appreciate my version of his assignment. Like I said with the drugs/alcohol question, to each their own. Just please refrain from forcing your religion down my throat. I am not a total atheist or anything. I do believe that there is someone up there but I am just not extremely religious or anything.

In ten years, I'll be in my early to mid thirties.

… And that is one of the scariest thoughts EVER.

Day 2 of my 30 day blog challenge asks me where I would like to be in ten years. So let's see, I will be 33 turning 34 that year. I would like to be:

Married, without a doubt. If not, then dating a 20 year old male model who has the biggest dick I have ever seen.
I would like to have popped out a kid or two by this time of my life also. While I still have the strength and patience to deal with them.
A court reporter either freelancing or working in the Supreme Court.
Healthy
Above all, happy with my life!
Living in either the suburbs or the city. Depending on income and such.

Well back to busting my ass for my finals. So far I have destroyed my medical terminology final and tomorrow I have to take my legal terminology final and my 60 and 70 WPM speed tests. Not going to lie, I am a bit nervous about this. I have not spent much time preparing for this final but I know it will be much easier than her previous tests. As far as speed is concerned, I am very nervous and I have every right to be. I started to get cocky and stopped practicing as often and now I am having trouble writing at 60 and 70. Sometimes I can get the 60, depending on the words being said but 70? Its kind of like a shitshow for me. I spent about 3 hours practicing at 60 today after school and tomorrow in between my classes I am going to try and practice for my 70. I don't have to get it tomorrow, if I do I will actually be ahead but I still don't feel like failing my first speed test this earlier on. I just have to not be so nervous about it and I'll be fine.

30 Blog Challenge AKA the only way to make sure I post regularly.

So since Reverb10 ended up being quite the epic fail and I have not written much at all this year, I am deciding to do a 30 Day Challenge.


I found this somewhere on Tumblr and thought I should give it a try.

I'm currently not in a relationship but I am still sort of seeing the new guy. The reason I say sort of is because I went crazy (not too bad, just took it too far) and kind of deterred him a little. We hung out for a little this weekend and I believe things are going to be ok but they are still not back to where they were at this present time. We get along really well and have fun together so it would be cool if things were to work out. He's a gentleman too and that is something that I am not really used to so its a pleasant surprise.

As far as being single goes? I love it. I have so much that I want to accomplish for myself this year that I won't even think of being single as being lonely. While I am not on the prowl for one, I have been single for two years now so changing that wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm just not depending on it for my happiness, that's all.

What is making my life right now.

Sorry for the lack of updates, its finals week in school right now and also I have been working in on a post for the last week but I am not quite sure of the situation and therefore how to write it. Hopefully soon things will be sorted out.

Besides chain smoking and consuming as much wine as I can, I have turned to a few things to help ease my stress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMltvlqEM54
I tried embedding it but it did not look right.

You will only find this funny if you are addicted to Angry Birds like I am. I find this fucking hysterical.

And like pretty much every other woman I am finding solace in online shopping. Makeup shopping in particular. A friend mentioned ELF - Eyes Lips Face to me and I am officially in love. From what I have tried (only lipglosses) it seems to be good quality and it is really cheap! I definitely recommend it, I actually just placed an order for mineral makeup since I have always wanted to try it and again, its cheap!

Pointless post but oh well, at least I made one. Enjoy the links!

Oh and Happy New Year?

Yeah, I'm a little late I guess. I cannot say I was too busy with the holidays, I guess I was just lazy. I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's and made lots of resolutions that they plan to keep.

Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -

I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.

Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?

The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.

Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.

As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.

Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!