Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The most immature of them all.

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Nikki's Favorite Things

In lieu of a post discussing the more serious things that are cluttering my mind, I am giving you this excuse for a post. I hope everyone had a Happy Easter/Passover!

The NOOK Color

This is one of my favorite things that I own and by far, one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received. I used to read a lot when I was younger and thanks to the NOOK, I have fallen back into that hobby. It is a tad pricer than the regular NOOK, but with the backlight and full touch screen, it is well worth the price. Some of the books that are currently in my library are: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (just finished it today), Something Borrowed, The Great Gatesby, and A Place of Yes. I love how light it is to carry with me and I often read on the bus ride to and from school.


In a rather impulsive moment last August, I decided to purchase something that I have had on my wish list for almost two years - a white MacBook. In hindsight, I should have waited until I had paid off my credit card debt, but I just wanted it that badly. Also, I should have opted for the MacBook Pro but I was just dying to have the white laptop. I am obsessed with this machine and all that it can do. I will never buy another PC again, unless its for work.

elf Makeup

One of my best friends recommended this site to me and I have been obsessed ever since. Good quality makeup that is super, super cheap. Most of their products are only $1 each and their mineral makeup items run for about $6 each. Fucking amazing!! Plus, they almost always have promos with free shipping (like right now!) so you truly cannot beat it.

Samsung Fascinate

Late last year, I desperately needed a new phone. My beloved BlackBerry was dying and I really wanted the iPhone but Verizon still was not carrying, so I ended up with the Fascinate. Even though I still have a slight case of iPhone envy, I am obsessed with this phone, which in my opinion is the closest thing to it. There are TONS of free apps in the Android market and the phone never freezes.

Wen by Chaz Dean Hair Care

I don't care how expensive this shit is, I will never go back to regular shampoo. I have very thick, coarse, almost "nappy" hair and this works miracles for it! My hair takes less than half the time to style now and it is so much easier to work with.

Fuck Oprah, my list is way better ; )

Sunday, April 17, 2011

GTKY Sunday - 4/17

1. What's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would? Lamb.
2. Plastic surgery..yay or nay? Whatever makes you happy and makes you feel more confident in yourself.
3. Two things you love about spring are.....? The weather; not too hot and not too cold, and that feeling you get when you first realize that the days are getting longer.
4. When's the last time you went on a picnic? Never? I don't think I have ever been on one.
5. What's your favorite app? Without a doubt, HopStop. Even though I have lived in New York, I am still pretty clueless when it comes to navigating the city with the subways. This app is a HUGE help.
6. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? My mom does lol. Sometimes I come along for the ride.
7. Would you rather take a spin class or zumba? Zumba! I have been meaning to try it.
8. How often do you go out to dinner? Before I started Jenny Craig, two to three times a week. Now? Maybe once a month, at most.

Friday, April 15, 2011

No April Showers here this year.

For the past six or so years, if I was involved with someone, it always seems as though the shit has hit the fan during the month of April. Being the emotional beast that I am, it always caused me to cry my eyes out.

In April of 2005 I was still toying with the idea of going back to my ex-boyfriend. He was my prom date and for some reason that gave me hope that things might work out between us. He had always taken me back (though we only really dated once) before, so I figured things would not be different. Unfortunately, they were and I learned that the hard way. Through this experience I learned the lesson that the way to a man's heart is not through his penis. Unfortunately to this day I am still struggling with that one.

I don't remember specifics but April 2006 (I just remember it being the night before Easter) we had our first real fight of the relationship. Plus I had also lied to him this month, about something huge and had yet to build up the courage to tell him.

In April of 2007 he broke up with me, and it seemed like it was out of nowhere. He did it over the phone, since he was not going to be able to come home for the next few weeks and didn't feel like dragging it out. This led to what I will always refer to as my "summer of hell." The day after we broke up we were hit with a noreaster and I remember feeling that it was symbolic of how much I had cried the night before. Somehow we survived it though and stayed in our quasi-relationship for a year and a half longer.

In April of 2008 my grandfather had just gone into the hospital and I had given Tight Wad a lot of shit about not coming home that weekend and being there for me. We almost broke up, again, because of it but after some cooling off and thinking, we were ok. Little did I know that a month later, when my grandfather passed away, he truly would not be there for me.

In April of 2009 I was still mourning the loss of that relationship and trying to find myself again. Nothing really happened during April that year but I still wasn't truly happy.

In April of 2010 the back and forth with Minute Man finally came to an end when he met a girl (his now-girlfriend). I don't know exactly what I was sad about because deep-down I always knew that things were not going to work between us. I also knew that he was always there. If we hadn't talked in a while and I was craving some male attention, I knew that I could BBM him and things we start back up (somewhat) again. Now that he was with someone else, it meant that that was ended and that he was truly moving on. Of course it was for the better and to my knowledge him and that girl are still together now, a year later, so I am very happy for him.

So in April 2011… Hm, there is absolutely no man-drama going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have shit in my life that I need to deal with but none of it is being caused by a man. There is something really liberating about this and it makes me all the more happy about not being involved with anyone.

Monday, April 4, 2011

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )

Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.

I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.

I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.

I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...