Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?
Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.
I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.
I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.
I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.
Showing posts with label why i need to take xanax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label why i need to take xanax. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The most immature of them all.
I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.
Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.
I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?
What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?
Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?
If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.
Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.
I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?
What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?
Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?
If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )
Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.
I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.
I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.
I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...
Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.
I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.
I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.
I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.
I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat1, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.
I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?
Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.
Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?
1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.
I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?
Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.
Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?
1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.
Friday, January 28, 2011
My problem is that I focus too much on the future instead of living in the now.
DAY 08: A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Honestly, I have yet to feel completely satisfied with my life. As of right now, I am content with where my life is going but until I get there, I won't be completely satisfied. I am just happy to finally have a direction, as opposed to just wandering around aimlessly like I had done for the first 22 years of my life.
DAY 09: How you hope your future will be
I hope to make enough money that I could live comfortably, without being in debt, and afford to buy the things that I want. I hope to meet the man of my dreams (yes, I believe he is still out there), marry him and have children. Most of all what I want is to just be happy. So many people go through life hating their job, their spouse and overall path they have chosen in life. I vow to never be that person and to wake up each morning thankful for what I have. Of course my life won't be easy, that man and I will probably fight (I mean, he's marrying me) and other obstacles will be thrown my way, but I hope to just keep my head held high through it all.
One of my resolutions for this year is to stop thinking about the future and live in the moment. This has always been a problem of mine, combined with anxiety surrounding what is going to happen. For one, take the situation with Dusty (AKA the new guy, he would understand the name). Things were going pretty well with that, he showed interest in me and treated me very well. Instead of enjoying it -- which I definitely did to an extent -- I constantly thought about what was going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind, based on things that he was saying and how things were going, that it would have eventually evolved into a relationship but now I am not so sure. I just feel that he was different from the rest, yet I did not treat him like that. Instead I treated him as if I was just waiting for him to fuck up and screw me over and never really gave him a chance. In an effort to prevent myself from getting hurt, I managed to push him away and mess up something that could have been great. Unfortunately I cannot change what I have done, all I can do is to just give it time and hope that if it was meant to be, it will happen.
Honestly, I have yet to feel completely satisfied with my life. As of right now, I am content with where my life is going but until I get there, I won't be completely satisfied. I am just happy to finally have a direction, as opposed to just wandering around aimlessly like I had done for the first 22 years of my life.
DAY 09: How you hope your future will be
I hope to make enough money that I could live comfortably, without being in debt, and afford to buy the things that I want. I hope to meet the man of my dreams (yes, I believe he is still out there), marry him and have children. Most of all what I want is to just be happy. So many people go through life hating their job, their spouse and overall path they have chosen in life. I vow to never be that person and to wake up each morning thankful for what I have. Of course my life won't be easy, that man and I will probably fight (I mean, he's marrying me) and other obstacles will be thrown my way, but I hope to just keep my head held high through it all.
One of my resolutions for this year is to stop thinking about the future and live in the moment. This has always been a problem of mine, combined with anxiety surrounding what is going to happen. For one, take the situation with Dusty (AKA the new guy, he would understand the name). Things were going pretty well with that, he showed interest in me and treated me very well. Instead of enjoying it -- which I definitely did to an extent -- I constantly thought about what was going to happen. I have no doubt in my mind, based on things that he was saying and how things were going, that it would have eventually evolved into a relationship but now I am not so sure. I just feel that he was different from the rest, yet I did not treat him like that. Instead I treated him as if I was just waiting for him to fuck up and screw me over and never really gave him a chance. In an effort to prevent myself from getting hurt, I managed to push him away and mess up something that could have been great. Unfortunately I cannot change what I have done, all I can do is to just give it time and hope that if it was meant to be, it will happen.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Its sometimes a catastrophe but I would never want to end it.
Disclaimer: Suicide is not a joke. I am just a fucked up human being who deep down inside has a huge heart.
DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.
In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.
Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.
Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.
DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.
Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.
In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.
Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not special (© Date me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.
Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
30 Blog Challenge AKA the only way to make sure I post regularly.
So since Reverb10 ended up being quite the epic fail and I have not written much at all this year, I am deciding to do a 30 Day Challenge.
I found this somewhere on Tumblr and thought I should give it a try.
I'm currently not in a relationship but I am still sort of seeing the new guy. The reason I say sort of is because I went crazy (not too bad, just took it too far) and kind of deterred him a little. We hung out for a little this weekend and I believe things are going to be ok but they are still not back to where they were at this present time. We get along really well and have fun together so it would be cool if things were to work out. He's a gentleman too and that is something that I am not really used to so its a pleasant surprise.
As far as being single goes? I love it. I have so much that I want to accomplish for myself this year that I won't even think of being single as being lonely. While I am not on the prowl for one, I have been single for two years now so changing that wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm just not depending on it for my happiness, that's all.
I found this somewhere on Tumblr and thought I should give it a try.
I'm currently not in a relationship but I am still sort of seeing the new guy. The reason I say sort of is because I went crazy (not too bad, just took it too far) and kind of deterred him a little. We hung out for a little this weekend and I believe things are going to be ok but they are still not back to where they were at this present time. We get along really well and have fun together so it would be cool if things were to work out. He's a gentleman too and that is something that I am not really used to so its a pleasant surprise.
As far as being single goes? I love it. I have so much that I want to accomplish for myself this year that I won't even think of being single as being lonely. While I am not on the prowl for one, I have been single for two years now so changing that wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm just not depending on it for my happiness, that's all.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Oh and Happy New Year?
Yeah, I'm a little late I guess. I cannot say I was too busy with the holidays, I guess I was just lazy. I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's and made lots of resolutions that they plan to keep.
Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -
I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.
Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?
The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.
Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.
As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.
Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!
Here are some resolutions that I decided to make -
I for one, made a resolution to take a chill pill for this new year and ended up breaking that almost immediately. I ended up pulling a somewhat crazy move (not a biggie, just questioning something I had no reason to) with the new guy and I believe I might have fucked things up there. I don't know for sure but between him being annoyed with me and being mega busy at work, I have gone from speaking to him all day to not remembering the last time I had an actual conversation with him. I don't really know what to think or what I should think right now but all I know is that I don't chase guys. We seemed like we were really getting along there and that this might go somewhere but now I am not so sure. I know its cliche but I am a firm believer that if something is meant to happen, then it will happen so I guess we will just wait and see. I would be lying if I said that I would not be disappointed if this were the end of him and I but of course I would be fine and move on with my life. So I guess we try again with this resolution.
Of course I made the usual "Lose 1000 lbs resolution" and I think I am doing ok with that. I haven't gone back to a Weight Watchers meeting however I am just trying to eat better. When I get my finances back in order (almost there!) I am going to rejoin Planet Fitness since its basically open 24/7 and was the only gym I actually went to. I'm still eating (mostly drinking) the things that I want to, just in lesser quantities… That has to help somewhat, right?
The last resolution that I made was to completely get out of credit card debt. I am not in much and what I am in has zero interest until later this year but I am still having trouble paying it all off. My hours at work have decreased from when I charged up my cards so I am not paying them off as quickly as I had hoped. Hopefully my tax return will be somewhat decent so that I can pay a huge chunk of my bills off with it. As of right now, I have officially paid off ALL of my interest-baring cards! So far, this is the resolution that I have been most successful with. However, we are only 8 days into the new year and as we all know, this can change.
Also I hope to write in this at least 10 times a month and get myself to the point where I can post my link on Twitter. I know the chances of people that I know in real life are slim but just having the link out there is enough to make me cringe. Maybe this could be the year that I stop giving a fuck about what people think about me? I know that I have already said that if things do not work out with the new guy then I am officially becoming a slut this year. Because this whole catching feelings shit is getting much too old.
As far as school is concerned I really don't have a resolution, other than to practice more, I have more of a goal. By January 2012, I want to be either in the last class (180-225) or done with school. Its a biggie and it means that I have to practice much, much more than I already do but it needs to be done. Especially if 2012 (or the year I turn 25) is going to be the best year of my life.
Well, I gotta go get ready and figure out where I am getting dinner with one of my pledge sisters. Have a great night!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
You're just not used to normal.
Last night Dora had a rare opportunity - she was able to come out and play. We really didn't play, just went out for dinner and had some well-needed conversation. One of the things that we started to talk about was my situation with the new guy. Of course I have anxiety surrounding this, I have anxiety surrounding everything but from what I have learned in the past the anxiety is usually what kills things. This guy (will think of a name for him) has given me NO reason, other than the ones I create, to have any doubt in this situation so I just have to calm down. I really don't talk about him to my friends yet (its still in the beginning stages) so I tend to just act on my instincts/impulses and sometimes I do not do the best thing. Besides Dora the only other person I have discussed him with is Ms. Pulitzer, who ended up FUELING my neurosis as she told me about the negative intentions she feels he might have. THANK GOD for Dora because she definitely helped to ground me. She summed it up the best - "It seems to be going very well, and its normal. You're just not used to normal." and she's absolutely right.
I am not used to normal. I am used to a guy rushing things, not being sure about what he wants, not being sure about how to handle his feelings, etc… I am not used to a MAN that knows what he wants. This guy is slightly older than any guy I have seen and he is set in his life and career. He seems to have a great head on his shoulders and these are the things that attract him to me the most. Of course he is going to want to take things slowly. Also, I have never been in a successful "adult" relationship (or the beginnings of one). The last successful (at the time) relationship that I have started was when I was 18 years old. I am 23 now, things are bound to be different. My worrying comes from the fact that I do not know what to expect next. I am really not one to take a risk and jump into things not knowing whether or not I will get hurt. I have done things with him that I have not done with other guys, like initiating hanging out/dates. That is something that I would NEVER have done before because I feel that the guy should make the first move and that I would be needy if I did. Since I have learned to do that maybe now I can learn to just close my eyes and let it all happen.
Since New Year's Eve is tomorrow and January 2nd (I looked it up) was the day of my first post, I plan to do a "Year in Review" type of post. I don't have as many pictures for it as I would like so that is definitely something I am going to change for the next year.
I am not used to normal. I am used to a guy rushing things, not being sure about what he wants, not being sure about how to handle his feelings, etc… I am not used to a MAN that knows what he wants. This guy is slightly older than any guy I have seen and he is set in his life and career. He seems to have a great head on his shoulders and these are the things that attract him to me the most. Of course he is going to want to take things slowly. Also, I have never been in a successful "adult" relationship (or the beginnings of one). The last successful (at the time) relationship that I have started was when I was 18 years old. I am 23 now, things are bound to be different. My worrying comes from the fact that I do not know what to expect next. I am really not one to take a risk and jump into things not knowing whether or not I will get hurt. I have done things with him that I have not done with other guys, like initiating hanging out/dates. That is something that I would NEVER have done before because I feel that the guy should make the first move and that I would be needy if I did. Since I have learned to do that maybe now I can learn to just close my eyes and let it all happen.
Since New Year's Eve is tomorrow and January 2nd (I looked it up) was the day of my first post, I plan to do a "Year in Review" type of post. I don't have as many pictures for it as I would like so that is definitely something I am going to change for the next year.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Leave it to the holidays to make you realize how crazy you are.
Obviously I realize that I am crazy. Not only is it my twitter name but it is also the title and theme of my blog. I can't say that I am proud of it but I have definitely accepted myself for who I am. A fucking loon. I took a drive with my cousin Ms. Pulitzer to drop her grandmother off at home and we had a lovely discussion about this and the childhood events that could be blamed for my insanity. I figured since this is the season of giving and the fact that I have nothing better to do at the moment, I will share (some of) them.
1) I was not a planned baby.
Since my mother feels the need to hide basic details from me, I had no idea about this until some time last year when Ms. Pulitzer and her mom (my loving Aunt) just casually mentioned it in convo, thinking I had known about it. My mother was not my father's first wife. Actually she's not his second either. Or his third or fourth. For the mathematically challenged individuals out there, she was his fifth wife. Their wedding was his sixth though since he married his first wife twice.1 When my father was married to his first wife they had three children; two daughters and a son. Unfortunately two days before Christmas their son (the youngest) died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Afterwards they decided they did not want to have anymore children so my father had a vasectomy. Then they divorced for whatever reasons2 and he went on to marry other women, (yadda, yadda, yadda) and then somehow ended up with my mother. There was a 15 year age difference between my parents and my mother was in her mid-thirties when they met and married so my father was no spring chicken then. Now since we really are not close, I don't know how my mother felt about marrying a man who was only nine years her mother's junior much less one who had already had children and was "fixed" but knowing how she is, she definitely had a lot of comments and guilt that she fed to my father. I'm not sure how my mother managed to get pregnant, maybe vasectomies were not done right in the '60s but I was born. My father had not only raised his children already but was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was very young. My mother just had no idea what she was doing and this led to me not being disciplined and getting away with anything that I tried. It was all well and good until it became time for me to go to school and be around children my age because my um, "rambunctious" behavior definitely did not attract others to me.
2. I was poorly socialized.
This ties in with reason #1. Aside from half-sisters who were in their 30s and had children of their own, I was an only child. My parents both worked and were older so they really did not give me the attention that I needed and certainly did not bothering socializing me with other children my age. Before I started school the only other children that I knew were my cousins, Ms. Pulitzer (who is all of 9 weeks younger than I am) and her older brother. Since Ms. Pulitzer and I were forever put against each other (we even have the same first name) we did not get along at all and constantly fought. Also since I was not used to being around other children I clung to her, which definitely did not help the situation. As if that wasn't enough, we moved around the corner from my cousins and my mother decided to put me in the same school as them. Now we went to a small parochial school where there was only one class per grade and about thirty students to a class, so we were together all day long. Same problem, I clung to everyone since I was not used to being around kids and ended up driving everyone away from me. I was abused in grammar school (Ms. Pulitzer, who had friends, would chime in) and would often act out just for the attention. When I say that I had no friends, I literally mean that I had no friends. Like I would sit alone during the lunch period and just wonder around during recess, while everyone else was playing. As if that was not bad enough, the minute I got into high school I decided to completely make up an entire life to mask the one I had because I felt that it would better help me to make friends. Obviously it did not and I left high school with one or two girls who I still talk to and consider a friend.
Of course there are more things that have happened in my life but when it comes down to it, they always revolve around the two reasons that I listed above. As a result of this I am still somewhat socially awkward (it has improved, trust me) and I am a fucking neurotic mess. I think this partially has to do with being an imperfect perfectionist but also because I am terrified of people not accepting me. Growing up I was so used to having the people I tried befriending not liking me or becoming sick of me (I was told this to my face) so when I finally meet those who like me, I almost get too excited and eventually end up pushing them away. To this day Minute Man is still my favorite example of this, when he figured out that I was crazy homeboy fucking took off like a bat out of hell. I almost feel bad for the new guy because well A) he has to put up with me and B) nothing that I over-think and question (yes, he gets questioned) him about has to do with him. He said it the best when he had rhetorically asked if anything he had said/done caused me to question his intentions or where this was going. They haven't. In fact, he has treated me better than most of the men I dated but because he wants to take things slowly (which if anything should be a good sign) I take it as a bad sign and think that he must be getting sick of me. Hopefully I will learn to calm the fuck down, or get my hands on a prescription for Xanax before I do end up driving this one away.
All in all, Christmas 2010 was very nice. I had a great weekend with my family and Santa treated me very well. Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!
1. I guess she was his "one true love", especially since my father was about to leave my mother but ended up dying first.
2. I have heard that my father was a philanderer and apparently had cheated on every one of his wives with the exception of my mother since he was too sick/old.
1) I was not a planned baby.
Since my mother feels the need to hide basic details from me, I had no idea about this until some time last year when Ms. Pulitzer and her mom (my loving Aunt) just casually mentioned it in convo, thinking I had known about it. My mother was not my father's first wife. Actually she's not his second either. Or his third or fourth. For the mathematically challenged individuals out there, she was his fifth wife. Their wedding was his sixth though since he married his first wife twice.1 When my father was married to his first wife they had three children; two daughters and a son. Unfortunately two days before Christmas their son (the youngest) died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Afterwards they decided they did not want to have anymore children so my father had a vasectomy. Then they divorced for whatever reasons2 and he went on to marry other women, (yadda, yadda, yadda) and then somehow ended up with my mother. There was a 15 year age difference between my parents and my mother was in her mid-thirties when they met and married so my father was no spring chicken then. Now since we really are not close, I don't know how my mother felt about marrying a man who was only nine years her mother's junior much less one who had already had children and was "fixed" but knowing how she is, she definitely had a lot of comments and guilt that she fed to my father. I'm not sure how my mother managed to get pregnant, maybe vasectomies were not done right in the '60s but I was born. My father had not only raised his children already but was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was very young. My mother just had no idea what she was doing and this led to me not being disciplined and getting away with anything that I tried. It was all well and good until it became time for me to go to school and be around children my age because my um, "rambunctious" behavior definitely did not attract others to me.
2. I was poorly socialized.
This ties in with reason #1. Aside from half-sisters who were in their 30s and had children of their own, I was an only child. My parents both worked and were older so they really did not give me the attention that I needed and certainly did not bothering socializing me with other children my age. Before I started school the only other children that I knew were my cousins, Ms. Pulitzer (who is all of 9 weeks younger than I am) and her older brother. Since Ms. Pulitzer and I were forever put against each other (we even have the same first name) we did not get along at all and constantly fought. Also since I was not used to being around other children I clung to her, which definitely did not help the situation. As if that wasn't enough, we moved around the corner from my cousins and my mother decided to put me in the same school as them. Now we went to a small parochial school where there was only one class per grade and about thirty students to a class, so we were together all day long. Same problem, I clung to everyone since I was not used to being around kids and ended up driving everyone away from me. I was abused in grammar school (Ms. Pulitzer, who had friends, would chime in) and would often act out just for the attention. When I say that I had no friends, I literally mean that I had no friends. Like I would sit alone during the lunch period and just wonder around during recess, while everyone else was playing. As if that was not bad enough, the minute I got into high school I decided to completely make up an entire life to mask the one I had because I felt that it would better help me to make friends. Obviously it did not and I left high school with one or two girls who I still talk to and consider a friend.
Of course there are more things that have happened in my life but when it comes down to it, they always revolve around the two reasons that I listed above. As a result of this I am still somewhat socially awkward (it has improved, trust me) and I am a fucking neurotic mess. I think this partially has to do with being an imperfect perfectionist but also because I am terrified of people not accepting me. Growing up I was so used to having the people I tried befriending not liking me or becoming sick of me (I was told this to my face) so when I finally meet those who like me, I almost get too excited and eventually end up pushing them away. To this day Minute Man is still my favorite example of this, when he figured out that I was crazy homeboy fucking took off like a bat out of hell. I almost feel bad for the new guy because well A) he has to put up with me and B) nothing that I over-think and question (yes, he gets questioned) him about has to do with him. He said it the best when he had rhetorically asked if anything he had said/done caused me to question his intentions or where this was going. They haven't. In fact, he has treated me better than most of the men I dated but because he wants to take things slowly (which if anything should be a good sign) I take it as a bad sign and think that he must be getting sick of me. Hopefully I will learn to calm the fuck down, or get my hands on a prescription for Xanax before I do end up driving this one away.
All in all, Christmas 2010 was very nice. I had a great weekend with my family and Santa treated me very well. Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!
1. I guess she was his "one true love", especially since my father was about to leave my mother but ended up dying first.
2. I have heard that my father was a philanderer and apparently had cheated on every one of his wives with the exception of my mother since he was too sick/old.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.
Let me just say that I have the WORST writer's block (which really I don't believe in, its just an excuse for being a shitty writer) that I have had since I started this blog. Fuck Reverb10. We can all just add that to the list of things that I have set out to do and ended up not finishing. I was too tired of answering almost every post with "Well, changing schools was the best decision ever." I mean don't get me wrong, it was, its just I had a few more things go on this year that deserve to be elaborated on as well. I probably will not have many pictures to go with it but expect some type of year-recap-thing post in the near future.
This week was pretty much one of the worst weeks that I have had in recent memory. Just the combination of stress from school, work and friends really did it in for me. I ended up taking a great deal of it out on the new guy. I'm still not willing to go into too much detail on that yet, I do not wanna jinx anything but aside from me sometimes going crazy, its going quite well. I went over his house yesterday and between demolishing his ass in Operation and then watching Drop Dead Fred, my bad week was just swept away and now I feel like my normal self again.
As of Thursday I am officially off from school for two whole weeks. It feels amazing but I am also terrified that I am not going to practice at all. I have a feeling that I have passed the point where I can get away with it and if we take our 50 the week we come back, I definitely will end up coming close to or actually failing it. Basically I have two goals set for this break: FINISH my room since my shelving piece finally came in and to PRACTICE MY ASS OFF. If I'm gonna be a court reporter, this is what I need to do.
Cutting this way short since shenanigans with aforementioned boy caused me to only get an hour of sleep today and I have yet to nap. Hopefully I will post again soon, if not Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!
This week was pretty much one of the worst weeks that I have had in recent memory. Just the combination of stress from school, work and friends really did it in for me. I ended up taking a great deal of it out on the new guy. I'm still not willing to go into too much detail on that yet, I do not wanna jinx anything but aside from me sometimes going crazy, its going quite well. I went over his house yesterday and between demolishing his ass in Operation and then watching Drop Dead Fred, my bad week was just swept away and now I feel like my normal self again.
As of Thursday I am officially off from school for two whole weeks. It feels amazing but I am also terrified that I am not going to practice at all. I have a feeling that I have passed the point where I can get away with it and if we take our 50 the week we come back, I definitely will end up coming close to or actually failing it. Basically I have two goals set for this break: FINISH my room since my shelving piece finally came in and to PRACTICE MY ASS OFF. If I'm gonna be a court reporter, this is what I need to do.
Cutting this way short since shenanigans with aforementioned boy caused me to only get an hour of sleep today and I have yet to nap. Hopefully I will post again soon, if not Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Precisely why I am not allowed to like guys.
I seriously cannot handle myself anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I take pride in the fact that I am a neurotic little mess, hell I even have a blog about my life entitled "Color Me Neurotic" but sometimes I just take it way too far. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Now I have not really divulged into the mess that I have been with other men in my life. Mainly because I had not been blogging at the time or was and just did not feel like humiliating myself in front of the world (or whoever the fuck reads this). I could assure you that I have taken part in destroying some things. Tight Wad for one went really well, for a really long time but then when it fell apart, it was like the Vietnam War in the sense that it was prolonged, useless and not many (only him) survived. Since I have such a fucked up sense of humor I could actually laugh at the whole Minute Man situation. Unfortunately Dora is still trying to recover from that whole debacle. It is something that I can only describe as the "Train Wreck of Nikki Jo". I was deceiving, he thought I was some cool, level-headed, normal girl. When my neurosis surfaced, he ran like a bat out of hell. Obviously he could not handle me and who could really blame him? I'm a mess, however deep-down inside, I am an amazing girl who wants nothing more than to find someone who can catch her drift.
So it goes without saying that I am definitely one to lose her cool with guys. I guess it may be insecurity but I am not afraid of not being able to GET a man. Whatever, I'm overweight but I am still pretty and I have an awesome personality. I just am… different and as I have figured out, am too much for some people to handle. So I guess my real challenge is to find someone who can just accept and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I always manage to get excited when I find someone who just might do that and almost expect something to go wrong. I need to learn how to stop sweating the small stuff and just LET IT FLOW. I have to get over it and realize that just because it hasn't worked with anyone else does not mean that it will not work with anyone. I don't like to be blind-sighted with things so in my craziness I figure that if I prepare for failure I will not be hurt or affected by it. This all sounds somewhat logical except for the fact that I often take this preparation way too far and end up killing something that would have worked out otherwise.
I think I am starting to do this right now in a situation that I possibly have going in. This particular situation is not even blog-worthy (yet!) and I am still in KNOTS thinking of ways that it will not work. For sure I am going to drive this person away even though he seems to be fine with me being a crazy fuck. I don't know what the future holds for it though, I have yet to even meet this person but all I know is that my text message count with him is almost 1000 more than the ones I have with the members of my inner circle so maybe that says something. All I know is that I cannot worry about a situation that has yet to even develop. I guess I should be happy that I am at least logical and aware of my problem. I just wish that I could listen to my own advice and take a big fucking chill pill. Oh, to the man that I am going to marry - This will ALL be worth it, promise : )
So it goes without saying that I am definitely one to lose her cool with guys. I guess it may be insecurity but I am not afraid of not being able to GET a man. Whatever, I'm overweight but I am still pretty and I have an awesome personality. I just am… different and as I have figured out, am too much for some people to handle. So I guess my real challenge is to find someone who can just accept and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I always manage to get excited when I find someone who just might do that and almost expect something to go wrong. I need to learn how to stop sweating the small stuff and just LET IT FLOW. I have to get over it and realize that just because it hasn't worked with anyone else does not mean that it will not work with anyone. I don't like to be blind-sighted with things so in my craziness I figure that if I prepare for failure I will not be hurt or affected by it. This all sounds somewhat logical except for the fact that I often take this preparation way too far and end up killing something that would have worked out otherwise.
I think I am starting to do this right now in a situation that I possibly have going in. This particular situation is not even blog-worthy (yet!) and I am still in KNOTS thinking of ways that it will not work. For sure I am going to drive this person away even though he seems to be fine with me being a crazy fuck. I don't know what the future holds for it though, I have yet to even meet this person but all I know is that my text message count with him is almost 1000 more than the ones I have with the members of my inner circle so maybe that says something. All I know is that I cannot worry about a situation that has yet to even develop. I guess I should be happy that I am at least logical and aware of my problem. I just wish that I could listen to my own advice and take a big fucking chill pill. Oh, to the man that I am going to marry - This will ALL be worth it, promise : )
Monday, January 18, 2010
a basket case in the city...
After much needed conversing with Dora the Exploror (who rightfully earned her PhD in psychology tonight) I have come to the conclusion that I am, a basket case. Also that I think WAY too much about things that no longer have a baring on my life. I think the main problem is that I am just bored with it all, which goes back to the point that I am unemployed and really do not have the means to have that much of a life. Hopefully this is going to change very soon. Also, I hope that once school starts I am able to stop focusing on this shit (because really that's all it is, shit) and focus on my classes. I can't believe in 34 hours I will be in Philosophy class. That thought is just truly depressing.
I did A LOT today. My bedroom is immaculate and I played Clean House in my room, organizing everything. Between this, 4 loads of laundry and really trying to sort my brain out I am both physically and mentally exhausted so I'm going to just call it a night. I will definitely go into this more with tomorrow's post.
I did A LOT today. My bedroom is immaculate and I played Clean House in my room, organizing everything. Between this, 4 loads of laundry and really trying to sort my brain out I am both physically and mentally exhausted so I'm going to just call it a night. I will definitely go into this more with tomorrow's post.
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