Thursday, March 24, 2011

Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.

I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat1, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.

I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?

Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.

Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?

1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.


theTsaritsa said...

I envy the people who've always known what they wanted to do. I just figured things out for myself recently, but still no job in sight. Just think positively-- you're almost done, you'll have a career, you'll be able to pay off loans-- and try not to psyche yourself out :)

Court Reporter Bound said...

Hugs, Nikki! Just know that you're not alone in feeling like this. Even at finishing speeds, I've been experiencing something similar. Fear of success is my problem, I think.

But if you're happy in steno class, then you know it's probably what you want to do. I've got faith in you.

JerseySjov said...

i think it's like what an above commenter said: fear of success is super-common.
go with your happy thoughts and don't let the negatives bring you down... if you feel happy about what you're doing and where you're going MOST of the time, odds are you're on the right track. [people who say they are happy all the time are such liars :P ]

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