I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.
I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.
Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.