Enough is enough.

Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?

Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.

I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.

I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.

I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

The most immature of them all.

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )

Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.

I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.

I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.

I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...

Passing Notes 3/25

I saw this on Meg's blog and thought that I would try something new today. Excuse the shitty hand-writing, poor grammar and poor spelling.



If you'd like to participate, click the above button and follow the link to her blog.



Have a great weekend!

I'm more than just an option. (hey, hey, hey)

I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.

I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.

Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.

Sometimes its better to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Here are the two Reverb10 prompts from this weekend that I missed.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I guess I just did a lot of wondering about my future and where my life was going. Its not that much different from what I have wondered every other year of my life though.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I let go of the dream that I had of graduating from St. John's and becoming an event planner (ultimate goal is to open my own catering hall). I am 23 and would be 27 by the time I would have been done with everything, including grad school. I also would be in close to $150,000 worth of debt starting out in an entry-level position in the hospitality industry. Not happening. Now I am much more motivated to go to class and do my work because I know what direction I am heading towards now. Who knows, maybe one day I will eventually open that catering hall but for right now, I know that I am meant to be a court reporter.

I had a lot of fun this weekend thanks to both my family and the guy that I went on the date with. He ended up driving down to PA, going out with us after the wedding and staying over with me. I am still behind on my homework so I am going to go into the details and that and the weekend in general tomorrow.

100th Post and Reverb10

Today is kind of a blogging milestone for me - its my 100th post! I usually don't keep up with things so the fact that I kept up with somewhat-regular posts (I missed a month or two somewhere) must really say something. I'm not going to do a a review of all my posts because I plan to do one later this month for the upcoming new year. I first started this blog in May of 2009 with the title "A Single Girl in the City" thinking that I was going to write all about my adventures with being newly single in New York City but that never happened. I had met Minute Man that summer, never got to act single and forgot that I had made a blog. January of this year I remembered this blog and decided to keep the title because I had no clue what direction I wanted to take this in. I was in such a different place from where I am now. I had no job and basically no direction in life. In one of my earlier posts from January I decided that 2010 was going to be the Year of Nikki and I almost feel that it has been. The job opportunity¹ that I mentioned in that post ended up becoming a reality and I have been there almost a year now. I knew that I needed to make a change in my life in order to survive, I just had no idea what that change would be.

I am also participating Reverb10 this year.



Each day in December you get a prompt on something to post that reflects on the past year and helps you look forward to the new one.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

I guess in going with this post and what I have done this year my word for 2010 would have to be CHANGE. I know that it is cliche but this year has just brought forth so many changes that have all been for the better, even if I had not felt so at the time. The word I hope will capture 2011 will be SUCCESS. Yes, its another cliche but by this time next year I want to be healthier, happier and most of all, I want to be typing at (or very close) to 225 wpm. I know this is an achievable goal, because of the many people I have seen in school complete this in the same timeline. I know that I have the mindset for this, I hear it all the time. I also know how I am and that if I put my mind to this, practice just a little more each day, I can definitely achieve this goal. I desperately want to run the 2012 ING NYC Marathon and by this time next year I would need to have made some serious steps towards this goal. I just hope that somewhere I can find the strength and motivation to do this because I know how proud of myself and how much happier I will be.

What would your word for 2010 be?


_{1. Ironically, the hot guy that aided in getting me the job is now the manager at my branch.}

With a new season comes new priorities.

Sorry I have not been posting as much, since the semester ended last Thursday and we have a week off from classes I decided to take off from work as well this week. I have been taking a lot of time to just relax and do the things that I will not have time to do once the next semester begins. Not gonna lie, it feels fucking AMAZING not to have any responsibilities. I guess this is why I loved living a lazy existence for so long. I have said it before and I will say it as many times as I deem necessary, I cannot believe that I am here and how proud I am of myself. I know its only one semester and I have to complete many others but given my history with school, having a successful semester is a huge deal for me. I am just kind of nervous about next semester and starting speed. Everyone says that building speed is one of the most frustrating things you will ever do so needless to say, I am freaked out. Ugh anyway enough about this court reporting shit on my week off.

This week I have been semi-productive. My aunt and I finally finishing decorating most of my bedroom, a project that has been in the making for three years now. I say almost because I have this corner tower thingamabob coming in the mail. Once that arrives my room will be complete and I will take some pictures. I am truly happy with the outcome of it so far and since it is such a change (we all know how I love change) it will just get some getting used to. One of my goals for this break is to flip my closet from summer clothes to fall clothes. I am convinced that I am starting to develop OCD because I have recently become obsessed with organizing and cleaning up things. To the point that I cannot rest without things in the room being fixed. I am sure my co-workers love this because not one person who I close with has had to clean for the past few weeks. The only thing else I could think of is nesting but since its been a one-way street down there for a few, I highly doubt it. Anyway, tomorrow my mother is taking off of work (solely to annoy me) I am taking advantage of it and recruiting mommy for a little shopping spree. I am paying of course but sometimes she will throw a shirt or two my way, just for shits. I figure once I buy all of my fall/winter clothes THEN i could convert my closet/drawers. I guess this is what you think and write about when you have no life. My school and work life have teamed up and turned my social life to shit. I guess its for the better though since I am starting to save money. Another thing I have been doing this break is going exploring with Dora! On Monday we went to a few more historical places on Staten Island and I took many pictures. (Whaddup Flickr) We also just talked about everything going on in life and it was just nice to have that kind of a day with her.

I have also done a lot of thinking this week. I have probably said this before but right now, I actually do not want a relationship. I am usually that girl who always needs to have a constant guy in her life but I don't know, I guess I just grew up? I just have a lot going on and unfortunately school is just going to become more and more demanding so this is something that I know I cannot handle right now. Since I have not had a guy in my life, it has just been so much less stressful and it has caused me to realize that it is just not worth it. Of course I have my um needs and all but that goes back to my learning how to separate sex from emotions. I guess that is one thing in life that I cannot plan (but we all know that I will try) so I guess this is a way that I could learn how to just go with the flow and let things happen. I just do not feel like dealing with the stress of if a guy likes me or if he is going to call/text me, I am on such a straight track with school right now that I do not need anything to deflect me. I guess I really am growing up...

So today was the first day of fall!! I celebrated by getting a dark color on my nails and toenails and by polluting the air in my house with apple cinnamon candles. The leaves are already starting to turn and hopefully soon enough the air will become cool and crisp! I am definitely looking forward to having a great fall and I hope everyone has one as well!

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Don't worry - I have not abandoned this blog! I am actually in the process of writing a post and so far it has been taking my four days to complete. Neurosis/procrastination at its finest!

So today I am 23... That's kind of a scary thing. I mean, I'm not dreading it like I was my 22nd birthday but it just feels weird to me. I would kill to go back to 5 years ago this time. I was going to meet this guy that I met off of facebook (FB was ONLY for college kids back then, so it was legit lol) who lived in Long Island. I was driving there with two of my friends that I had met during freshman orientation and even though we did not get to hang out with my guy, we had a blast just having dinner in this random diner in Syosset, Long Island. Lesson learned, of course but still a fun night. I also remember that recruitment had just ended and that next morning I had a missed call from my would-be pledge mistress, telling me that she was giving me a bid to join the sorority. Things are done a lot differently now-a-days but I remember that seriously made my birthday. So much has changed in my life since then. For one, I was only on TAKE ONE of college and had yet to assfuck my life. Second, I had yet to fall in love. I did not meet Tight Wad until a couple of months later and although looking back that relationship was anything but ideal, I am still forever grateful for what I learned during it. I guess everything happens for a reason...

Cutting this short because its my birthday and I need my beauty rest!

it took almost 23 years but i think i figured something out

So today is August 10th (almost the middle of August) which means that my birthday is in exactly five weeks. Wow, 23 years old. Oddly enough I am not as upset as I was when I turned 22. All I could think about was how I was no longer 21 and starting to get older. What really depressed me though was that I was turning 22, had a minimum wage job where I was given only 8 hours a week and was basically in my sophomore year of college. There is nothing wrong with being 22 however, there is something wrong with being 22 and having the same lifestyle of a 19 year old. THAT is what I was being faced with. As I read back to the posts that I wrote around New Year's I can see that I just wanted this year to be different. I wanted to free myself from being trapped with the life of a 19 year old. I know that I have messed up in the past but I needed it to stop holding me back in the future. Hell, even six months ago I would not think that I would be where I am right now. I was not even hired at the bank yet, much less a court reporting student. I just feel like so much has changed in my life and for the better.

I am actually looking forward to my job. I have a decent paying job that I love and make good money and I am doing very well in school. I'm finally on my way to being in adult and I truly feel happy with life. It would be lovely to have a boyfriend, I'm sure but at least the more important aspects of my life are being taken care of.

This gets me to the main idea of this post. I have two years until my 25th birthday. Now THAT is scary. I do have a few goals that I would like to accomplish before that. By my 25th birthday - I would like to have graduated and be a freelance court reporter. This is VERY possible. Also, I want to have lost all the weight I want to/be healthy and be in the middle of training for the 2012 NYC Marathon. This I'm not so sure if it is possible. I mean, it could happen. Whether or not it is possible is entirely up to me. I would love for it to happen though, I am not getting younger and I am sure eventually my health will catch up with me. I just want every part of my life to be complete and just how getting job and finally figuring out what I wanted to do with my life have helped, I feel this will as well. Since I am terrible at dieting, I am just going to start with making smarter choices, such as not drinking soda anymore and not eating out as much. Its not that I eat poorly, I just do not exercise in any way, shape or form. Since the dog loves going out maybe I should just stop making excuses and start small with that? I mean, something is better than nothing, which is what I am currently doing. I am so proud of myself for all I have done in these past six months, I want to be able to look back in two years at all I have been able to accomplish with this as well.

I just hope I could finally figure out something that I can stick with.

and after all of this I still paint my nails like I did when I was five

Yesterday I decided to paint my nails myself since the manicure that I had paid for had chipped within 24 hours. Much to my dismay, my fingers resembled an art project that I might have done back in Kindergarten. You know, the projects that were an utter disaster yet your mom still hung up on the fridge, beaming with pride? Except I am not beaming with pride right now, I still have polish on certain fingers but at least it is a lot less noticeable.

Many things have changed since I was 5, Chelsea Clinton was a little girl at her father's side during his campaign and now she's a married woman whose wedding was the hottest ticket in town, Zack Morris' cellphone was the hottest thing ever (Fuck that, HE was the hottest thing ever), and staying up later than 9PM was something that I would give anything to do. Of course I have definitely changed in more personal ways, I still had a father and a grandfather, was at a normal weight for my age, had un-pieced ears, and my biggest care in the world was if they were going to play man-hunt that night after dinner. I feel that I have done a lot of growing up in this past year, especially within the last few months. I finally figured out, at age 22, what I wanted to do with my life and now I am taking the steps to get there. I am trying to learn how to take the stick out of my ass (drinking helps with this, a lot) and just let loose and live life.

SO my blogging idol Carrie Bradshaw is Full of Shit (oh and by the way, she does not actually know that she is my idol. It's more like a secret admirer type of thing.. She should start expect anonymous flowers and notes soon) had declared this the Summer of Single for her, which basically helped me put a title on what is going on with my life right now. This is the first summer that I have been truly single. Truly meaning I have not had a boy to love/care about/cry over. Summer 2005 (I was 17) I was crying over my first ex. Summers 2006-2008 (18-20) were spent either in love with or crying over Tight Wad and summer 2009 (21) I dated Minute Man for its entirety. Summer 2010 (22), I have not had to deal with any bullshit that comes with having a man in my life and by George, it has been FABULOUS! A little boring, but fabulous.

While I am deliriously happy that I have been able to avoid clinging onto any guy I find for his attention, I am a little disappointed in myself. One would think that the theme song for this summer would be PROMISCUOUS GIRL but sadly, it has not. I think part of that has to do with having the stick up my ass. Well, at least something is up there but that's not what I would have imagined. A few weeks ago I started talking to this guy who shall be referred to as Jack of All Trades and basically we set it up to be a strictly sex thing. Sounds fun, right? Except we I have yet to plan a date for this. He is really good looking, just a tad older (like he probably watched Sesame Street when it first premiered) so mother would definitely not approve of him. Besides, I really don't want an older man. However, age does equal experience when a man is just that good looking so maybe I could be his little student? I mean if you want to start learning how to have casual sex (yes, that is something that I have to learn how to do), isn't it best to start off with a man who knows what he is doing? Who is to say that I will actually go through with this though? I'm surprised I actually went through with meeting the Security Guard.

Oh well, small steps I guess. Maybe learning how to be promiscuous is the next stage in growing up for me?

Date with the security guard - follow me young grasshopper.

So last night was my first date with the Security Guard. I worked until 8 and we agreed to meet at Chili's at 9:30 for dinner and drinks. I had a hard day at work so I was dying for some margaritas. I was slightly nervous when I got there but I definitely felt more comfortable when I saw him. He is definitely my type physically. He's a clean cut, Jersey boy. This was his first time in Staten Island which blew my mind. I've been to Jersey many times, hell I even dated someone who lived there for three years, how has he never ventured across that bridge? The conversation flowed well throughout dinner with no awkward silence. Since I had work early this morning, we did not go out after dinner. Instead we sat in his car, listened to mixes that he made (he's a DJ sometimes, for funsies I guess) and then made out for a little.

I don't know what it was about him, he's only a little over a year younger than me but I just feel so much older than he is. Maybe we are in different places in life and have had different experiences? Not sure but that is where the title of this entry comes from. Honestly it is nothing against him but I just don't feel like a relationship is going to come from this. This is so unlike me, I am usually the girl who would kill to be in a relationship with a guy after just one date. I guess I am growing up? He is a really nice guy, goodlooking and a great kisser, I might definitely keep him around but casually just to see if it goes anywhere. I'm 22 and single, why not have all the fun I can have while I still got it?

Tomorrow is Ice Crotch's birthday. Yes, I call my mother Ice Crotch. I swear though, it is all out of love. I am actually not giving her a gift tomorrow because in a few weeks I am going to finally buy myself a macbook! The special for students (yay for being a super-duper senior!) is that you buy and macbook and get an ipod touch for free. Since my mother has been dying for an ipod touch and I've been dying for a macbook, this is perfect. While this purchase will not put me in a hole per se, it definitely is not a financially responsible move. The zero interest for the first year on the card is a definite incentive though so I'm gonna to save up for a few more weeks and then put the remaining balance on that card. I have wanted a white macbook for two years now. It is a beautiful machine and I truly cannot wait to have one to call my own.

So Electric Man and I were talking earlier and we decided that one day during the week (since tomorow night it will be thunderstorming) we are going to finally meet and either go for a walk on the boardwalk or at Ft Wadsworth because it is right under the bridge and is beautiful at night. Not sure which day yet, that all depends on the whether and our schedules. While I'm still excited to finally meet this man, some of it has faded since what it was. That's only expected though, considering we've been talking for nearly a month and have still not met.

We shall wait and see ...

Oh sweet, sweet, morning off…

Since I have come to the conclusion that I must not be worthy of a full day off, I am trying to enjoy my six hours off that I am lucky enough to have every Friday morning. This morning was great, I woke up around 9AM and actually had a filling, healthy breakfast for once. All was well until I had to waste an hour of my morning off on the phone with Time Warner Cable. Frankly, I am sick of it. My internet connection is so unreliable and the truth is, I had constant internet access only when I stole it off of one of my neighbors. Either they figured me out or their box is off because I have not been able to find it in a few weeks.

So tonight I have my first date with the Security Guard and I am actually kind of nervous. I don't know what kind of nervous I am but I just know that I am un-easy about something. I've never done this before. I mean I've met men from the internet before (Tight Wad) but this was after a full week of talking and I went with Dora to meet him (I was 18 at the time). This just all feels very, sudden to me. I guess this is how online dating works though? I don't know...

Has anyone had an experience with an online dating site and meeting people off them? If so, kindly comment with some advice/inspiration. My email goes to my phone so I will definitely be able to read your comments. Thank you!!

PS - Instead of offering to come into work early today, I am actually going to the gym. Who am I? Seriously!

I got you all figured out, you need everyone's eyes just to feel seen.

So since things with Electric Man are kind of at a stand still (we are still talking regularly but nothing has been mentioned about rescheduling our date), I've decided to take eharmony more seriously. After all, I am paying for it. I started talking to this guy who will be referred to simply as The Security Guard yesterday and our exchange quickly switched the regular e-mail. He is a little over a year younger than me but is physically my type and so far it seems that personality-wise he is as well. We are actually looking to possibly meet up this weekend. Considering I have yet to meet ANY of these men in person, this is really bold for me. I have decided to stop being such a pansy and just go for it because again, I PAID for these services that have been rendered but am not taking advantage of. There is absolutely nothing that I can lose from this, only gain.

Another match from eharmony that I have that seems promising is at a bit of a standstill for a moment because for the life of me I cannot answer one of his open-ended questions. The question asked If I could do something completely out of character and remain anonymous, what would it be? Normally, you would think that this would be an easy question for me to answer since I am somewhat of a tight-ass and a lot of things are out of character for me. This is true, however none of those things are actions that I would like to remain anonymous for. One of the things that I immediately thought of was to have a one night stand. I am one of those people that put the pussy on a pedestal, my pussy that is, so a one night stand is definitely out of character for me. I would not mind if I was anonymous for this act however I feel that my match would kind of be weirded out by this answer so, no bueno. Another possible response I thought of was to be carefree and relaxed. I was all for that until I realized that I would not want to remain anonymous for that. I would want to shout it out to WHOMEVER it may concern that I am no longer a neurotic whack-a-doodle. Another possibility would be to say that I would love to be more confident and allow people to see the REAL ME. Yes, definitely out of character but impossible to remain anonymous for, it would almost defeat the purpose.

Le sigh, I just hope he does not become impatient and close the match because I haven't responded yet. Fuck you eharmony, bad enough you have to give us "guided communication", as if we are too inept to freely speak to our matches, but you had to go make the questions difficult. Don't you realize what type of crazy might be using your services?!

In better news, I seem to be kicking ass at both school AND work. We received our midterm grades today and my grades are 3 A's and 1 B, making my GPA (as of right now) a 3.79. I have actually done better in school before but hopefully that will be good enough to make the Dean's List (a goal on my Day Zero Project). If not, I will just have to raise that B to an A which is very possible considering the B is in a class that I failed the first test for. At work yesterday one of the girls I work with over-heard the Head Teller saying that I no longer have differences and that I am getting good. That felt SO good to hear! Let's just hope that she did not jinx me and I end up with a difference tonight! I'm excited, I've never ruled at work and school simultaneously so I hope I can keep this up!

Now, if I can just rule the dating scene as well, I will be all set!

In desperate need of a mental health day here

I have actually taken two mental health days from school very recently, both by complete accident. I'm not at my limit for absences but I am also not too far as well so I definitely need to keep that in check. However, both of those "mental health days" were days that I had work as well, so I really did not have a full day off. Right now, that is what I need more than anything, a full day off where I don't have school or work. I really don't know what I would do with myself. I would probably wake up earlier since my body is somewhat used to it, go to the gym and then the pool when I get home. I have only been in a pool once this summer and have yet to lay out in the sun. I am so pale, you would not think that this was the end of July. Speaking of which, this means that we are a mere six weeks away from fall/my birthday/end of the semester! I never thought I would be wishing the summer away but I need something.

So I finally found a way to manage my credit card debt. Granted, its only a minor amount of debt (thank GOD for that!), I was still having trouble finding a way to pay it all off in a timely fashion and not be flat broke. I applied for major credit card and was approved with a high enough limit to transfer all of my balances over to it. Also, for a year I have no interest on balance transfers! I seriously feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders, I now have a way to pay off all of this debt and I can still have money in my pocket so I don't end up charging back up the cards that I paid off. I think to also cut back on costs instead of getting a $25 gel manicure (that still chips because of work) AND a pedicure every two weeks, I could learn how to paint my own nails and save $50 a month.

I hope to accomplish some of the money saving tasks I have on my Day Zero Project by the end of this year!

How do you manage to save money?

Dog days of summer...

So New York City is in the middle of yet another heat wave. Normally by this time of the year, I would have a beautiful cinnamon tan and my hair would even be half a shade later. No, not this summer. If I am not at school from Mon-Thurs all day, I am at work Fri-Sun all day. It leaves me zero time to tan/relax and I have yet to go to the beach this year. One thing that I am thankful for I guess is that I work my weekends away in an air conditioned bank so when customers come in all hot and bothered, I am most likely chilled at room temperature, enjoying myself.

I am going to go ahead and blame my lack of posting on my hectic schedule and the heat. I think of great ideas for posts but I usually cannot find the time to post them. Even when I have an extra half hour to spare, I sometimes cannot find a way to start the post and get my idea across. I promise you, this will go back to normal, just like the weather. We are not even in August yet and I am already sick of this! Last summer, I would have given everything I had to make it last longer. This year? I am just counting down the days until my birthday, which also happens to be the last day of my semester. Its not like I get a break between semesters, just that one weekend but still, it will feel amazing to be done with atleast some of this program. I can't wait for the fall colors to come back in, to be able to wear my uggs again and to sip pumpkin spice lattes. Also, to celebrate my 23rd birthday. I've yet to actually celebrate my birthday like I should but I don't think I can this year, funds are still extremely low.

Speaking of low funds, Marathoner's birthday is coming up next month and she finally figured out what she wanted to do. She wants everyone to go to this casino in Bethlehem, PA. Not bad, its probably cheaper than AC. I was thinking that I would drive out there after work on Saturday (the day of) and just take off the Sunday to stay over and drive back. So that way, I would only miss one day of my weekend, where the bulk of my paycheck comes from. I found out last night that she is spending the DAY at the casino. I don't mean to sound selfish and all, I know she is one of my best friends and she IS moving back to PA this fall (more on that one later) but I simply cannot afford to take a Saturday off.

Tonight is my first date with Electric Man. It was supposed to be on Saturday but he got called in to work so tonight it is. Wish my luck, lets hope I don't fuck this one up!

challenge wednesdays

So I've really been enjoying my mini summer vacation so far and I really wish it was for longer than two weeks but oh well, what can you do? Since I am having trouble accomplishing things that I need to (I am being VERY lazy), I have decided to make it thise week's challenge.

Clean my room and put all new clothes away.
Organize shoes in closet.
Practice for one hour a day.
Do all of my laundry.
Go to the beach at least once.
Go to the gym at least three days a week.
Go on a shopping spree.
Sleep in until three and go out and drink that night.
Hang out with friends I am normally not able to see.
Go down to the shore.
Balance my checkbook/finances.
Clean out my school bag and organize it.
Do not drink soda for one week.


That is all that I could think of for now, it is a short break after all.

Oh and I failed miserably at last week's challenge of not drinking soda so I added it to the end of the list.

Also, I received another award from the lovely One Blonde Girl. So to add to my list, make the three entries for the awards!

Blogging, way cheaper than therapy.

I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!

Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.

ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.

I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.

only you have the power to change yourself

So watching the Biggest Loser finale has of course brought up thoughts of my own personal goals. I took a look at my 101 in 1001 and realized that I needed to do some editting. The only goals that I have completed/made some headway in are my job related ones but still I am very proud of myself. Having a job not only gives me something to do and a sense of responsibility, but it is nice to have money to go out with and to be able to pay off my bills. Since I have nothing to do on the bus in the morning (I'm afraid if I nap I will sleep passed my stop) I usually map out how I will go out paying off my bills. I am taking a little lession from Suze Orman and trying to pay off the bills with the highest interest first. Since I am a plastic-addict I will keep one card as a "working" card that I will use once it is paid off. It is the card from the bank I work at, has a reasonable interest, rewards and most importantly - still has a low limit from when I first opened it (student card). So even if I max it out, I will still be able to pay it off monthly. Its not that I have bad credit, I have always paid my bills on time, even if it was just the minimum. If anything, I will just improve my credit score. After I pay off my bills I will begin to build up my savings account. My goal is to have a semester or so paid off by the time I graduate, which is very reasonable.

So, now the big elephant in the room. Oh wait no, that's just my reflection! Ok, in all seriousness I am NOT as big as an elephant, nor do I look like one. I just have a shit-ton of weight that I really should lose. If not for looks purposes (oddly enough, I'm confident with my appearance) then for health reasons. Granted I am pretty healthy right now, I will not stay that way much longer. Diabetes is really dominant in my blood line, to the point that it is a guarantee I will have it if I do not lose weight. That is some scary shit, especially since my uncle just had to have his foot amputated because of it. I'd like to keep my feet and ALL of my appendages, thank you. I'm just making healthier decisions now. Even if I'm not super thin, at least I'll be somewhat healthier. I also have decided to try and ween myself off of soda, diet snapple and coffee - my three biggest vices. AND I'm not buying anymore cigarettes. So predictions for the end of the summer? I will either (a) gain 50 lbs (b) kill my mother (c) kill myself. Let's see which one happens.

Newly updated 101 in 1001 list can be found here so yay! I hope I make some sort of change in my life.