Sunday, June 13, 2010

Blogging, way cheaper than therapy.

I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!

Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.

ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.

I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.


PrettyPrincessXo said...

I feel like this was somewhat about myself. My GPA when I graduated was a 2.7. Not horrible but nothing great. I have ZERO motivation to do anything and expect things to just be okay. I hate it but I don't know how to change it. I guess I could always get off my lazy ass and just DO it.... but that's be too much work. ;-) Oh well, life goes on I guess!

JerseySjov said...

i, too, coasted through both high school and college... every time i got my grades id be shocked bc they were as good as my friends who beat themselves up studying constantly.

now that i actually have to put my real world big girl panties on it's really intimidating! i mean, hell, i haven't had real pants on for like 4 days, how am i supposed to get a job? or a boyfriend? or anything??

let's hope for the best of luck to us both i guess :)

Teresa said...

you not alone. I almost dropped out of high school sophmore year thats how little i was motivated about life. i got scared and managed to barely get through in high school and it took me 2 years of switching colleges and taking time off before i finally settled and got it over with. if i was smart i would have went straight to college after high school and been done already. i wont be graduating until next spring and i'll be 24 when i do. but u know what its better late than never. i know a lot of 23 year ols that dont have any college behind them so their a lot further behind then i am. it'll all pay off in the end just hang in there.

LiLu said...

Everyone has their own path... I feel like the most important thing is being self-aware of where you ARE on that path. And you've got that down, lady friend. :-)

Christy said...

Well get on it girl! If I make it to Yankee Stadium before you, that's bad news! That should be your new challenge...make it there before I do! Lol. Oh and you can knock the Mets for being a Yankee fan but don't knock's GORGEOUS. One of my favorite parks so far!

Anonymous said...

I love seeing a girl about my age who is figuring things out, but most importantly, who knows that she needs to figure things out. Trust me, I screwed up things in high school too...I was clinically depressed and couldn't be motivated enough to concentrate on anything else except the way I was feeling. I'm on a better path right now, Mashallah, and sometimes I feel maybe that's too good to stay. :S

MissLiv said...

I am much the same. I did nothing through high school, and got reasonable grades but nothing of what I and my family knew I was capable of. Then I dropped out of uni in my first year. I went traveling and bummed around a bit, worked in travel, and then it was only last year that I had a lightbulb moment and I WANTED to go back to uni, so I started again. And I LOVE my classes. I finally am mature enough to enjoy what I'm learning, and most of the tests and assignments too. I'm 5 years older than the other kids in my class and I hate that, but I'm finally getting the grades I and my family knew I was capable of which is a nice feeling :-)

One day it will just hit you and you will work harder than you ever have and you'll enjoy it. Trust me :-)

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