I often think about how much I have to offer people and how I try so hard (I fail, sometimes) not to let them down. However, when it comes to myself, I see that I let myself down more often than not. I am without a doubt disappointed in many things I have done in the past. I was not motivated in high school and literally just made it. Its not that I am stupid, because I am not. Its that I lack the motivation and I don't try. Don't even get me started with college, that it is still a working progress five years later. I think of all the money and more importantly, the time that I have wasted and I cringe. I stayed with Tight Wad because I felt that maybe, just maybe if I stayed with him and treated him right, he would do the same for me. I stayed with Minute Man, thinking that if I showed him how good of a girlfriend I was capable of being, that he would be proud to call me his. All of these hard lessons have one thing in common, I was not letting myself succeed (or be happy). I can look back now and see that I honestly was not happy towards the end of things with both Tight Wad and Minute Man, why did I not just leave and let myself find happiness? Why didn't I just apply myself in high school and allow myself to get good grades and into a better school? And why, oh WHY didn't I just grin and bear it in college? No one wants to be in class, they just go and get it over with. I could have graduated last year with my classmates. I would have even settled for graduating this year with my friends!
Also, I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. This can't be too healthy either. I owe it to myself to succeed. I owe it to myself to walk away from situations with some dignity for once. My life is what I make of it. Granted, you cannot control everything that happens but you control how you react to it. If I somehow learned how to just breathe and take things for what they are, maybe things in my life will come together.
ANOTHER thing I need to stop doing is planning to fail. School especially because I know my past, I know that I start out strong and then lose my motivation. I am terrified not to succeed at this because it is my last resort. I cannot possibly go to another school after this. I cannot do this to myself or to my poor mother. I have been doing well so far but I am just praying that I don't lose the motivation and fail at yet another thing I try. I NEED TO GROW UP. I will be 23 in a few months and god damnit, I need to start acting like it. Part of the reason why I am failing is because of my immaturity. Sure, I am mature in some aspects of life, but this is a large one that I really need to improve on.
I am sure that there is some event from my childhood that can explain why I am the way I am today but I need to stop now. I have not practiced steno ALL weekend and will most likely be lost tomorrow.