Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The most immature of them all.

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.


RinaMarie said...

Good post! Im a new follower and looking forward to reading more. Follow me too? <3

JerseySjov said...

i'm a "big-picture" thinker, too, which sucks because it seems like everyone else is SOOOO detail/specifics oriented!

i think everyone our age is just trying to figure out how to be "mature" while still being fun and young. i mean...i have a full-time job, does that mean i can't watch cartoons?

MMA Los Angeles said...

I think you and I are the same person. I am EXACTLY the same way. And, actually, was broke up with a month ago because of the same characteristics. The way I look at it though, is that there are 3 billion men (approximately) on this planet; so why not keep exploring? He's there- somewhere. I mean, we're only 23. I feel we have a lot of exploring left to do.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you are a strong person by just reading this blog. I won't say who I am but the man could be standing right in front of you. You see so awesome!

Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

I don't know how I missed that you are doing Jenny Craig - congrats!! That is AWESOME!

And never confuse optimism with immaturity - I hope you never "outgrow" believing in yourself and you ability make your dreams come true!

Not who I will be said...

This is a great post and makes me really happy. I can definitely identify with you and look forward to reading more of your blog.

What made you decide on Jenny Craig? What kind of exercise are you doing? I need some motivation! My cousin did Jenny a long time ago and lost a bunch of weight and was really happy with it. I don't know if I could ignore my random cravings though...

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