Sunday, January 23, 2011

Its sometimes a catastrophe but I would never want to end it.

Disclaimer: Suicide is not a joke. I am just a fucked up human being who deep down inside has a huge heart.

DAY 05: A time you thought about ending your own life.

Whoa. How about never? Seriously I have been somewhat depressed (I say somewhat because its not like I was diagnosed or anything, I was just sad) in my life but never that I actually considered suicide. I did, however, once do a basic cry out for attention and accidentally ended up on a sort-of "suicide watch". You see, in high school I would give anything not to attend class (a logic that once landed me in the ER for no good reason, this I'll explain at another time) and one privilege that we were given in school was to attend sessions with a school guidance counselor during scheduled class time. During a routine check-up the counselor gave me this survey (I assume everyone was given one) about mental wellness to fill out. Since I was feeling particularly bored that day I decided to check off "SOMEWHAT AGREE" to the questions about having thoughts on ending my own life. Instead of getting a weekly Get Out of Class Free pass, I ended up having to go to weekly appointments with a psychologist as per the guidance counselor. Believe it or not, the sessions actually helped me, until my mother was annoyed with all of my problems leading back to her and decided it would not be a good idea to see her anymore. Shocker. While I do need some serious psychological help, its NOT for suicidal tendencies.

In other news, I PASSED MY 60!! Did not even transcribe the 70 though, I dropped way too many words and then got frustrated and let a sentence or two go. I mean what could I expect? I hadn't really been practicing and I guess I just was not ready to take it. Hopefully I will get it this week so I could start the term in the 80-100 class, if not I will just test into it within the next two weeks so no biggie.

Also I have decided to attempt to take the "Just let it be and if its meant to be it will happen" approach with the New Guy (who needs a name… not only is not no longer new but the circumstances have changed) and I don't know, I guess its working. My main problem is that I just have to let go of how things were and what they could have been and to just focus on how they are NOW and what could BE. This has been a recurring challenge in my life but hopefully I can conquer it this time. I have to let go of all of the "This one is different" thoughts that I had once had and remember that at this stage - He is not different, I am not specialDate me, D.C.!) and I will be ok.

Welps, day six (I'm back logged) is to list 30 interesting facts about myself so I will do that tomorrow since I feel like going to be at a decent hour tonight.


Anonymous said...

you are special, just maybe not to him YET. Give him time to see the real you and if he does it will be great. If he doesnt, then it is his lose for being damn blind.

Nikki Jo said...

Thanks Best Friend! : )

Alice X said...

Oh gosh, that'll teach anyone not to miss use multiple choice in tests. I hope they don't think you're crazy!

Love your blog, i'll be back x
Alice X

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