I seriously cannot handle myself anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I take pride in the fact that I am a neurotic little mess, hell I even have a blog about my life entitled "Color Me Neurotic" but sometimes I just take it way too far. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Now I have not really divulged into the mess that I have been with other men in my life. Mainly because I had not been blogging at the time or was and just did not feel like humiliating myself in front of the world (or whoever the fuck reads this). I could assure you that I have taken part in destroying some things. Tight Wad for one went really well, for a really long time but then when it fell apart, it was like the Vietnam War in the sense that it was prolonged, useless and not many (only him) survived. Since I have such a fucked up sense of humor I could actually laugh at the whole Minute Man situation. Unfortunately Dora is still trying to recover from that whole debacle. It is something that I can only describe as the "Train Wreck of Nikki Jo". I was deceiving, he thought I was some cool, level-headed, normal girl. When my neurosis surfaced, he ran like a bat out of hell. Obviously he could not handle me and who could really blame him? I'm a mess, however deep-down inside, I am an amazing girl who wants nothing more than to find someone who can catch her drift.
So it goes without saying that I am definitely one to lose her cool with guys. I guess it may be insecurity but I am not afraid of not being able to GET a man. Whatever, I'm overweight but I am still pretty and I have an awesome personality. I just am… different and as I have figured out, am too much for some people to handle. So I guess my real challenge is to find someone who can just accept and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I always manage to get excited when I find someone who just might do that and almost expect something to go wrong. I need to learn how to stop sweating the small stuff and just LET IT FLOW. I have to get over it and realize that just because it hasn't worked with anyone else does not mean that it will not work with anyone. I don't like to be blind-sighted with things so in my craziness I figure that if I prepare for failure I will not be hurt or affected by it. This all sounds somewhat logical except for the fact that I often take this preparation way too far and end up killing something that would have worked out otherwise.
I think I am starting to do this right now in a situation that I possibly have going in. This particular situation is not even blog-worthy (yet!) and I am still in KNOTS thinking of ways that it will not work. For sure I am going to drive this person away even though he seems to be fine with me being a crazy fuck. I don't know what the future holds for it though, I have yet to even meet this person but all I know is that my text message count with him is almost 1000 more than the ones I have with the members of my inner circle so maybe that says something. All I know is that I cannot worry about a situation that has yet to even develop. I guess I should be happy that I am at least logical and aware of my problem. I just wish that I could listen to my own advice and take a big fucking chill pill. Oh, to the man that I am going to marry - This will ALL be worth it, promise : )
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