…with myself, that is.
There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.
I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.
I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.
In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.
So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.