Just another Beth Mackenzie...

The title of this post is from a song, kudos to anyone who knows the name of it.

As I am spending quite the lonely Saturday in I got to thinking... I care way too much about what people think of me. I don't know why I do this nor can I help it but its really annoying. I wish I could just do things and maybe truly be myself without worrying if someone will disprove of it and not accept it. I wish I had a FUCK IT attitude but unfortunately I don't. I'm weird though, like I care what people think but you almost would not know that upon meeting me. I am quite the outgoing person and I can make friends in any social situation but its when you want to get to know me, that I get scared. I know that true friendships and true love are only possible when someone knows the real you so why am I afraid of this. I'm not overly obnoxious but I'm not one of those "universally liked" people, you know that person who everyone loves and always wants to be around. I guess because I'm not like that, I'm scared. How do people get to be like that, so loved? Am I not nice enough, smart enough or pretty enough for that? Maybe this is actually a weight issue that I am in denial of? I hope to hell its not that. This past year I overcame a lot of issues that I used to have about my weight. In the summer I wore sleeveless shirts and went to the beach in the first time in years because I realized that it is what it is. Obviously people know I am not a small girl so what my arms look like and how I look in a bathing suit is really nothing different/fascinating to them. See, baby steps! That is sort of progress towards not caring what others think, right?

Things with Minute Man started off great, I was able to show my personality and be my true retarded self around him. Then something I did annoyed him (I tease - that's my way of flirting and I teased him about him not bowling so well in his league one week and that was too much for his liking) and it made me hold back a lot of my personality and become very insecure. Also, I talk a lot.. Anyone who knows me knows this and since he already had gotten on me about things like the teasing I took it to heart when he would make comments on my talking. I know that he is only one guy and that I have had others in the past who were interested in me and loved my personality but I still managed to let it effect me and I think that's the reason why I'm upset about the situation, because my personality ruined it. (well not all of it, he had a major role in why we didn't work but I'm sure it had some effect)

There are certain inalienable truths in life, one is that people are going to judge you. I am an extremely judgemental person and I know that people judge me in return, but why do I care then? Everyone judges others but why do I care what people think? Speaking of judging last night I went out with Marathoner and Dora the Explorer. The three of us split three pitchers of sangria and sat at a table for 3-4 hours people watching. There were a lot of interesting characters in that bar and some amazing sangria. However, Burrito Bar is definitely not the place to meet any guys, that is for damn sure.

How lovely! Almost an entire post dedicated to my insecurities. Hopefully one day I will learn to move on from them. Until then, Beth Mackenzie is still looking for her Seth Shapiro...