MOVED!

I've decided it was time for a change and moved my blog here - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Please follow!

Starting over, yet again.

I wanted a new start, so I moved my blog over.

Follow it here please - http://colormeneurotic.blogspot.com

Change is definitely needed.

It seems like it has been forever since I began this blog, especially when you think about where I was in my life.

Then? I was 22 years old and had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was 40 lbs heavier, still dealing with the pain of a breakup and having it screw me up with dating other men. I had no job and had bled my savings dry. Obviously, I was in a bad place.

Now? I am 24 years old (still not used to saying this), have had a decent-paying job for over a year and a half, and am more than halfway done with court reporting school. I'm still single but it is a choice that I have made. I just have more important things to worry about in life than if a boy is going to call me or if he feels the same way that I do. Not to say that I will turn away a man who sweeps me off my feet, but I am definitely holding out for someone who is worth the frustration.

I am just now starting to let go of the thought that I have wasted away the last six years of my life. Although in an ideal world, I would have graduated school in 2009 and (hopefully) have a job, I would not be where I was today if I had done things correctly. I don't know if I would have ever met Tight Wad, and even though things do not work out with him, that relationship had taught me a lot about love and life. I don't know if I would be closer and not talking to some of my friends, so I am glad that I am where I am today. It also helps that many of my friends in school are my age or a year or two older, so I am not the only one in this boat. It is just overwhelming to think about the amount of money in loans I will have to pay back before I can catch up with everyone else and move on with my life.

So with all of that said, I feel that this blog needs a change as well. I like the name and really do not feel like going through the trouble of switching names, but I don't feel it is necessary to stay here. I have this name over at Wordpress but am not quite sure how to work that site. Most of the people who have followed this blog have probably forgotten about it anyway, so maybe it will be better to move it over there.

Well, I am definitely not getting any younger...

It has been about two months since my last post and I can honestly say that I miss it. I will get ideas in my head of what to say but when it comes down to staring at this blank screen, I am just that - blank.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely despise my birthday. Between sharing it all of my life with my grandparent's anniversary, not having any real friends through middle/high school, and having a boyfriend who couldn't care less about it; I have had anything special happen on it. For some reason, unfortunate events always seem to occur on September 17 and this year I was hoping to break the curse.

Friday night after having dinner with a small group of friends, I ended up in a bar that I somewhat despise. I always meet the creepiest of men when I am there and the bar is just over-all grimy. Having one of my pledge sister's boyfriends spot the cover charge for us made it all worth it though. I ended up meeting a girl with almost the exact same tattoo that I have, on her wrist as well. After a while, everyone had to leave earlier, leaving my friend K and I as the last girls standing.

It was then, that something that I had no expectation of happening, occurred - I met a guy. It started off with me kissing him on the cheek for luck during his pool game (he won!) and ended up with him and I discussing Sigmund Freud and our life dreams at 3AM in a bar. Feeling elated that I not only met a cute guy, but an intelligent one at that, I dismissed myself to use the restroom as he promised to be there when I returned. After some bathroom fun (an entire group of girls singing Happy Birthday to me), I decided to return to my suitor, to only realize that he was GONE. Apparently, he was walking over towards K (who knows his friend) and busted his ass, drenching himself with my drink and his. Also, their other friend had called telling them to get to the airport for the flight they were on later that day.

I feel like I have had a Craigslist missed-connection. The cynic in me is saying that if he really was interested, he would have made sure I was given his number or vice versa. In reality, he was drenched and probably was concerned with getting the fuck out of there. He also left on a plane a few hours later to go to California and won't be back until late next week. At least K and his friend have each other's numbers so all hope is not lost, yet. I just hate having to deal with middle men and would rather have things happen on my own accord, but whatever.

Thanks to my bladder, I narrowly missed getting my birthday kiss. I guess I really am getting old.

Enough is enough.

Nearly three months and four drafted posts later, I am finally writing here again. It sounds crazy but I almost feel that my life was more together when I was venting here. So… where do I begin?

Since the last time I posted, I passed both my 80 AND 90 speed tests and moved into the next class. I have also hit my 40-pound mini goal and brought a bunch of new summer clothes that really showed off how far I have come. That was six weeks ago. Since then, I have missed school a bunch of times. I am still doing well in school, as far as my other class is concerned, but I have not passed my 100 test yet. Also, I have been going out to eat a lot with my friends and not sticking to the plan. I haven't gained much weight back at all, but I have noticed that my (new & two sizes smaller) jeans are hugging my hips a little tighter than they were when I brought them.

I have finally hit a breaking point though, but I hate the way it came about. I recently suffered from what I would diagnose as "moderate sun exhaustion" and due to my delirium, I had a dream about Tight Wad. Of course this dream stirred up thoughts about him, the relationship that we had, and most importantly, who I was during our relationship. When we were together, I rarely went to school and had no idea what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. I had no direction in life and this was one of the (many) things that caused our relationship to fail. By screwing up school and my diet, I am regressing back to the person that I used to be. And honestly, I have come too fucking far to do that.

I think my attitude also has a lot to do with this. Something I noticed over the weekend at the beach (first weekend off in a long time - amazing) when telling someone what I go to school for, I always sell myself short. When I usually tell people I am going to school for court reporting, nine times out of ten they say something like "wow, that makes A LOT of money!" This normally causes me to get embarrassed and follow it up with "well, if I can get through school." While yes, any court reporting student will say how difficult it is, but why can't I allow myself to admit that I CAN do this? So what if it is a lucrative career, it shouldn't embarrass me to admit this. Same with weight loss, if someone comments on how great I look, I have to say how far I still have to go.

I will say one thing, I feel amazing when I lose weight and pass a speed test so I need to stop denying myself this. This is the year of me and I am now terrified that I have ruined it and will not achieve the goals that I have set for myself.

The most immature of them all.

I don't really consider myself a mature person. While yes, I feel as though I finally have a direction in my life and am on the right track, I feel that emotionally I am not there yet. What I am referring to is my impulsive, selfish, and almost naive nature. The person inside of me that has an answer for everything and truly does not know when to keep her mouth shut. The girl who cannot let something just happen, and instead ends up ruining the moment (something which two men I have dated, told me that I do). And last but not least, the girl who expects everything in life to come easy.

Of course there are some points of my immaturity that are attractive. For example, I still feel that there is a perfect man for me out there. I don't want to use the word soulmate because it makes me cringe, but something like that. The man who will lay there with me, my head on his chest, and listen to my dreams while playing with my hair. Who will get every nerdy reference that I make, appreciate my fucked up sense of humor and most important, get me. One who will make me feel like no man has ever made me feel before. I still believe that he is out there and that is the single thing that keeps me going when things do not work out with someone.

I also believe that I can and will make my dreams come true. I sometimes focus on the big picture, which can be taken as a bad thing, but it is what keeps me focused on my goal. My cousin, who is obviously the epitome of all who is mature, often says how this is one of my worse traits and is a reason why I do not have many friends. First off, I do not have many friends because I rarely find people who are worth maintaining a friendship with. Also, not many people understand and "get" me. Second, why the fuck should I not talk about my dreams and probable future?

What should I focus on, the fact that I have eaten nothing but Jenny Craig food for the past few months, not had ONE BITE of candy this Easter season, and cannot sit or stand without feeling soreness? Or the fact that one day in the future I will have an amazing body, shop in stores that I have never dreamed of, and will be able to run a marathon? Which is more appealing and likely to keep me going?

Or how about school; should I focus on the fact that I am beating myself up weekly because of speed tests or the fact that in less than two years from now I will be making six digits and paying off my student loans?

If that is one of the things that make me so unlikeable and immature, then fuck it, I'll keep searching for that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. As for my dream man? I will stick to the belief that I just haven't met him yet.

Nikki's Favorite Things

In lieu of a post discussing the more serious things that are cluttering my mind, I am giving you this excuse for a post. I hope everyone had a Happy Easter/Passover!

The NOOK Color

This is one of my favorite things that I own and by far, one of the best Christmas gifts I have ever received. I used to read a lot when I was younger and thanks to the NOOK, I have fallen back into that hobby. It is a tad pricer than the regular NOOK, but with the backlight and full touch screen, it is well worth the price. Some of the books that are currently in my library are: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (just finished it today), Something Borrowed, The Great Gatesby, and A Place of Yes. I love how light it is to carry with me and I often read on the bus ride to and from school.

MacBook

In a rather impulsive moment last August, I decided to purchase something that I have had on my wish list for almost two years - a white MacBook. In hindsight, I should have waited until I had paid off my credit card debt, but I just wanted it that badly. Also, I should have opted for the MacBook Pro but I was just dying to have the white laptop. I am obsessed with this machine and all that it can do. I will never buy another PC again, unless its for work.

elf Makeup

One of my best friends recommended this site to me and I have been obsessed ever since. Good quality makeup that is super, super cheap. Most of their products are only $1 each and their mineral makeup items run for about $6 each. Fucking amazing!! Plus, they almost always have promos with free shipping (like right now!) so you truly cannot beat it.

Samsung Fascinate

Late last year, I desperately needed a new phone. My beloved BlackBerry was dying and I really wanted the iPhone but Verizon still was not carrying, so I ended up with the Fascinate. Even though I still have a slight case of iPhone envy, I am obsessed with this phone, which in my opinion is the closest thing to it. There are TONS of free apps in the Android market and the phone never freezes.

Wen by Chaz Dean Hair Care

I don't care how expensive this shit is, I will never go back to regular shampoo. I have very thick, coarse, almost "nappy" hair and this works miracles for it! My hair takes less than half the time to style now and it is so much easier to work with.

Fuck Oprah, my list is way better ; )

GTKY Sunday - 4/17

1. What's something you've eaten and liked, but didn't think you would? Lamb.
2. Plastic surgery..yay or nay? Whatever makes you happy and makes you feel more confident in yourself.
3. Two things you love about spring are.....? The weather; not too hot and not too cold, and that feeling you get when you first realize that the days are getting longer.
4. When's the last time you went on a picnic? Never? I don't think I have ever been on one.
5. What's your favorite app? Without a doubt, HopStop. Even though I have lived in New York, I am still pretty clueless when it comes to navigating the city with the subways. This app is a HUGE help.
6. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? My mom does lol. Sometimes I come along for the ride.
7. Would you rather take a spin class or zumba? Zumba! I have been meaning to try it.
8. How often do you go out to dinner? Before I started Jenny Craig, two to three times a week. Now? Maybe once a month, at most.

No April Showers here this year.

For the past six or so years, if I was involved with someone, it always seems as though the shit has hit the fan during the month of April. Being the emotional beast that I am, it always caused me to cry my eyes out.

In April of 2005 I was still toying with the idea of going back to my ex-boyfriend. He was my prom date and for some reason that gave me hope that things might work out between us. He had always taken me back (though we only really dated once) before, so I figured things would not be different. Unfortunately, they were and I learned that the hard way. Through this experience I learned the lesson that the way to a man's heart is not through his penis. Unfortunately to this day I am still struggling with that one.

I don't remember specifics but April 2006 (I just remember it being the night before Easter) we had our first real fight of the relationship. Plus I had also lied to him this month, about something huge and had yet to build up the courage to tell him.

In April of 2007 he broke up with me, and it seemed like it was out of nowhere. He did it over the phone, since he was not going to be able to come home for the next few weeks and didn't feel like dragging it out. This led to what I will always refer to as my "summer of hell." The day after we broke up we were hit with a noreaster and I remember feeling that it was symbolic of how much I had cried the night before. Somehow we survived it though and stayed in our quasi-relationship for a year and a half longer.

In April of 2008 my grandfather had just gone into the hospital and I had given Tight Wad a lot of shit about not coming home that weekend and being there for me. We almost broke up, again, because of it but after some cooling off and thinking, we were ok. Little did I know that a month later, when my grandfather passed away, he truly would not be there for me.

In April of 2009 I was still mourning the loss of that relationship and trying to find myself again. Nothing really happened during April that year but I still wasn't truly happy.

In April of 2010 the back and forth with Minute Man finally came to an end when he met a girl (his now-girlfriend). I don't know exactly what I was sad about because deep-down I always knew that things were not going to work between us. I also knew that he was always there. If we hadn't talked in a while and I was craving some male attention, I knew that I could BBM him and things we start back up (somewhat) again. Now that he was with someone else, it meant that that was ended and that he was truly moving on. Of course it was for the better and to my knowledge him and that girl are still together now, a year later, so I am very happy for him.

So in April 2011… Hm, there is absolutely no man-drama going on in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have shit in my life that I need to deal with but none of it is being caused by a man. There is something really liberating about this and it makes me all the more happy about not being involved with anyone.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

I don't know what it is but right now I feel that I am really confused about my life right now. This explains my lack of posts because I simply do not know what to write about. I thought that it was just a writer's block but then I realized that I am in a total living-block. That and the fact that I cannot write with the freedom I would like to because of the people from my personal life that read this blog. If you think that I am talking about you, well guess what? I am ; )

Well, with that snarky comment said, back to the real reason for this post. I am definitely on the right track with school (even though I overslept and missed steno class today. I seriously have issues) and with Jenny Craig but I feel that my personal life is very up in the air. I don't have a man in my life and that is something that I am beginning to accept again. I am no longer sad or blaming myself for things not working out with that guy and have learned to see that it is was not meant to work out.

I have a lot of uncertainty happening in my friends circle though. As a result of recent events, I am seriously considering cutting a large number of people out of my life. I cannot go into detail because of the people who might read this but it has come down to a respect issue. If you do not have respect for me then I seriously do not need you in my life. Most people do not know that I feel this way because I don't care enough about my relationship with them to frustrate myself with the confrontation. That alone speaks volumes about why these people should be cut out of my life. Of course not everyone will be cut, just those who give me more grief than happiness. Also, I feel that I am drifting further and further apart from my best friend. This is another situation that I have bottled up but not because I don't care enough to mend this, I simply don't want to burden her with my feelings. She has had a rough time this past year (really these past 6-8 months) and I don't want to do anything that might contribute to it. I love her to death though, nothing will ever change that and I know that we will get through this because we are best friends and this is what best friends do - they get through things. I just feel bad because I have not been reaching out to her as much because of this. I do not want to risk being short with her or God forbid, bringing this up, because again - she has way too much going on right now.

I just realized something (while writing this post) about myself. I avoid confrontation. In some ways, this could be a good trait but like everything else, I have taken it to an extreme. I avoid confrontation to the point that I rarely stand up for myself. That does not make me the bigger person of the situation, that actually makes me a coward. I could go on and on about how that guy was a coward because instead of acknowledging there was a problem, he slinked off but in reality - he was just doing what I normally do. I never realized how much of a hypocrite I am. I know this is supposed to be the year of finding myself (and becoming a whore) but I had no idea that I would find so many unattractive personality traits. I knew that I wasn't perfect but shit, I had no clue that I was this bad. I certainly have to mature and how to interact with other people and there is no better time than the present.

I hope everything starts to fall into place soon. A horoscope that I read back in January stated that I would have some personal drama (if you can call this that) in my life but will not see a reason for it until the end of the year. So here's hoping...