Supporting the field of psychology, one panic attack at a time.

I don't know what is with me and school lately but I cannot get the motivation to get my fat¹, lazy ass out of bed and go to school every morning. This is the same thing that happened to me in St. John's, but at that point I was unhappy and not sure of where I wanted to be in life. I was just in school because I felt that there was nothing else that I could do. This is different. I am not in a four year college hoping to land a job the minute I graduate; I am in a two year program that will almost guarantee me my career upon completion. I am much older than I was when I was in St. John's and I am in a different place in my life. So why - why the FUCK am I starting to repeat this pattern? Not to mention, I am half-way down with school! I don't have this long, never-ending road in front of me. I am the closest I have ever been to completing something.

I think I am starting to have the "am I sure that THIS is what I want to do with my life" feelings. Honestly, these feelings are starting to scare the shit out of me. I seriously envy those people who have always known what they wanted to do with their life. How does that happen? How do people just randomly stumble upon what they want to do for life and then you have others, like me, who are just wandering around with no fucking clue? I do know one thing. I am out of chances. How many schools can I go to? How much more money can I take out in student loans? Where do I draw this line? When I graduate, between this school and St. John's, I will be in almost $90,000 in debt from student loans. What the fuck? Is this even heard of? I simply cannot afford to give up on this and start something else. I know that if I graduate and become a court reporter I will definitely be able to pay off all of my student loans in a short time and be able to move out and establish myself. I am just not sure that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. Are these feelings normal? How can I be so sure about this if I am only a student?

Sorry if this post is making no sense, my thoughts don't even make sense to me right now. I just feel incredibly screwed up right now and I am starting to let it effect other aspects of my life. I made an appointment to speak with someone but I feel that I need help before I fuck everything up… again. I don't care if that finally validates my joking around and saying that I am crazy, this is something that I feel I truly can benefit from.

Would you like to know the most fucked up part of this whole thing? I am HAPPY when I go to school. I am happy when I pass a speed test and succeed. So why the hell am I stopping myself from being happy?

_{1. I would never, ever call myself fat and anyone who knows me knows this. I am just super-angry at myself right now so I felt it necessary.}

I'm not Irish but you could kiss me anyway.

Today is March 17th, which means that you have 6 more months to shop for my birthday present. Annnnddd it also means that it is St. Patrick's Day! Even though I am not Irish I have always celebrated this holiday as if I were. Except for this year of course since I had to be the only tool to give up alcohol for Lent. Oh well, it will be well worth it because I can be a hot, skinny Nikki at the bar next year hitting on cute Irish lads.


(image credit: Google)

I hope everyone has a fun, safe St. Paddy's Day and a minimal hangover tomorrow morning!

Always Have Self-Respect.

When I was 18, during my freshman year at St. John's, I decided to pledge a sorority. To the people that I had gone to school with and known all of my life, this was a huge surprise. Except it wasn't really. I am an only child who has always had a yearn to belong to something, it was only natural that I would join something like this. I had to go through a pledging process, which even though it has changed drastically still teaches the same core values. One of those values is to always have self-respect, no matter what. During the process we test the girls in various ways on this. Even though I went through this process almost 6 years ago, I still feel that I have not truly mastered this lesson. Case and point would be almost every situation I have had with a man.

Lets take a look at my dating history, shall we? I am just going to point out the three men that I have cared about the most. We have Tight Wad, who I was with for almost three years and put up with a lot of shit from. Halfway through our relationship he broke up with me out of nowhere (we had never fought before this) because he wanted to be single and see other girls. He also still loved me and wanted to date me, just without a commitment. Of course pathetic little 19-year-old Nikki obliged and this began the worse summer of my life. He never ended up seeing these other girls but just the possibility of it was enough to worry me sick. Literally. To add insult to injury, when my grandfather passed away he did not come home. When I asked him why he was not going to come home and be there for his girlfriend of 2 and ½ years he replied, "I just don't like coming home on weekends that I don't plan to. It's really not convenient for me." My response was something to the effect of putting the body on ice for the next time, so he would be there when it is convenient for him. Instead of just breaking the fuck up with him on the spot, I proceeded to make the next 5 months of his life (and mine) a living hell until he broke up with me. If I had any ounce of self-respect, I would have broken up with him the first time he fucked things up.

Another good example would be with Minute Man. While he did break things off with me, he ended up coming back for seconds. And thirds. After the fact it was clear what his intentions were and even though I knew it deep down in my heart, I still went with it because I just wanted to have him. Yeah, I know.

Lastly - what just happened with that guy. I know I have beaten myself up a lot for messing this one up but the truth is, he messed it up too. If he was just honest with me about things and communicated with me about everything then it probably wouldn't have blown up in my face. Yet, I still clung to it and still talked to him, hoping that things would go back to the way they were. I don't deserve someone who is going to completely shut off on me when I make a mistake, which to be quite honest, was not even that big of a deal. I blew things out of proportion but so what? I blow everything out of proportion, it is just who I am.

I seem to run into my problems with guys when I start to actually care. I have dated a bunch of guys in between these men and have been fine; its just when I start to have feelings, I lose a sense of who I am and end up going nuts. I don't think the solution for my problems is to learn how to date like a man. If I learned how to have more respect for myself, I would be able to walk away much more quicker when I realize that a situation is not going to benefit me. I also will learn to stand up for myself and to not allow people to walk all over me. These go for every aspect of my life, not just dating.

Somehow I think learning how to become a whore would be much easier...

Growing the hell up - part duex.

In my last post I mentioned the happy hour with Katie (Date me, D.C.) and PYT (DATERVIEW) and how much of an eye-opener it was for me. PYT had to leave early but hopefully we will definitely be hanging out again soon and for a longer time. (Katie, come back to NY!) This is going to sound super-duper creepy but I don't care, I admire Katie. She is an excellent writer who has done things in her life to improve herself. Of course she falls down, makes mistakes, creates awkward moments at time, but she always bounces back and recovers from it in the end. Recently we have both gone through similar situations with men and how she was able to walk away from something that she knew would hurt her is amazing. I hope that one day I will have the strength. I suggest that anyone reading this should check her blog out - she is AMAZING!

Since I made 2010 the year of Nikki I have decided to make 2011 the Year of the Whore. This is not news, I have been saying this now for the last two months since things with that guy started to go sour (AKA since I fucked it up) but I have never felt confident enough to publish the posts about it. Its not that I want to be a whore, I just want to learn how to separate sex from emotions. This is more than just getting laid, I feel that this is something that comes with maturity. If anything, I will definitely learn when to walk away with men, something that I have always struggled with.

As far as relationships are concerned, I really do not care to be in one or try to start one at this moment. I am just so much more relaxed when I don't have a man in my life and I really need to stay that way for a long time. I've always been a hopeful romantic so I know that somewhere, out there, is the man who is perfect for me. I seriously thought that the guy was perfect for me, he understood my personality/sick sense of humor, got all of the dorky references that I made and most importantly, made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything and while things were going well, he was really nice and very considerate of me. On the bad side, his communications skills are not up to par and that is a huge reason why things would have never worked out between us. I just excites me that there is a man out there who is just as awesome as that guy was, only better and more suited for me.

The year I grow the hell up - part 1.

Last Saturday two of my favorite bloggers Katie at Date Me, D.C. and PYT (obv not her real name) at DATERVIEW co-hosted a happy hour in the city. Katie always hosts them in D.C. and being this was her birthday weekend, wanted to do it up here for a change. I had a lot of fun, met some great people and was happy that I went. From the conversations I came to realize that I was the youngest one there. Nothing wrong with that, its just I felt very immature and inexperienced compared to all of the things that everyone else had likely gone through. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how she is so easy to bounce back from a disappoint in life, especially when with a guy. Of course things happen that hurt her but she does not let it be the end all of her life. I guess that this is something that comes with experience and I am more than ready to become more mature in this aspect.

I feel that I have so many things to improve on in my life - I need to stop making such a big deal out of things that do not deserve it. I need to stop worrying about what might happen and just focus on what is happening. I need to learn how to stop caring about what others think and to just truly let loose and be the real me. I need to learn how to stick with things with the going gets tough. Finally, I need to accept that sometimes things are not meant to work out in life and its OK if it does not.

I know that I will not be able to learn all of these lessons overnight but I am willing to work on myself. I feel I am making some progress though, I have sang karaoke in public twice now and can honestly say that I have not once texted him. If you are new and need to know who him is, just read back a few posts. He never got to the point where I gave him an official name in my blog, which speaks volumes for how much I should have not cared. When the whole Minute Man debacle happened, I went back two or three times for more thinking it would be different. For some reason, I know that if me and that guy were to stop talking again, things would not be the same. I just have to take it for what it was, and move the hell on. There is a reason that it did not work out and eventually I will see it.

I have more to write on this but I need to get ready for work. So part 2 is coming!

Jesus was never my homeboy.

One would think that 18+ years of a going to a catholic school would shape me into your normal bible-banging slut, but actually it has done the exact opposite. Religion is not one of the things that I prefer having shoved down my throat (snicker) and I don't remember the last time that I went to church other than for a wedding or funeral. As most Catholics and anyone with a Twitter account knows, tomorrow is Ash Wednesday - also known as the beginning of Lent. Catholic tradition is to abstain from something for 40 days during the Lent season, which ends on Easter Sunday. On top of what you choose to give up you should also abstain from eating meat on Ash Wednesday and Fridays. If memory serves me right, this is to symbolize the suffering that Jesus did for us. Well now that I have given you all a religion lesson, onto why this concerns me.

I have decided to participate in the Lenten tradition and abstain from something for the next 40 days. Since being on Jenny Craig means that I am already not having unhealthy foods, I choose to abstain from alcohol and napping. I always ruin my perfect week with drinking on Saturday night so obviously this will be a huge help to me. Also napping because I am far too lazy and definitely need to practice and increase my gym routine. I don't think I am going to go as far as attending church regularly but this is definitely something that I could see working to my advantage. The only disadvantage is that I am most likely going to get shitfaced on Easter. I got shitfaced on Christmas Eve and was a babbling mess who ended up making my mother cry. Not from her shame but from the jokes that my cousin and I were saying about her. To think, she actually has said that I don't have a sense of humor.

In other news, as of this Friday I will officially be credit card debt free!! I cannot begin to tell you how much of a relief this is, I can actually begin to build my savings account back up. Of course I still have about 10 million to pay back in student loans. Unfortunately I will not be able to pay these off as quickly as I did with my other bills.

I'm more than just an option. (hey, hey, hey)

I guess it is time for me to tell the truth. I try to act like I am this strong girl who just brushes disappointments off her chest but I'm not. I am the girl who cared way too much about a man who probably did not even deserve it. Who looked too much into what he said, let herself get built up so high and then crashed down onto the floor when things did not work out. Granted yes, I did fuck things up. I took the whole paranoia-about-getting-hurt thing way too far and ended up pushing him away. Its not all my fault though. He could have at least been enough of a man and tell me that I fucked up, instead of making it like things were going to be fine. Him telling me not to look into it and how things were fine caused me to basically go nuts and put the nail in the coffin. Things were not fine. He went from speaking to me all day to basically not giving me the time of day, yet still said that things were going to be fine. I've spent a lot of time and energy wondering what could have been and what would have been if I hadn't asked him that last question. I know that is by far the most un-healthy thing that a person could do but I could not help myself. With Minute Man I was able to pin point why things would not have worked even if I didn't mess it up, with him I was not able to do this. Truthfully he was the first guy since my ex-boyfriend that I really saw why things were going to work between us and I guess this is why I was/still slightly am pretty bummed out about this. The only conclusion that I can come to about this is that it just was not my time. It just sucks when I have to say this about a good guy, as opposed to the usual asshole.

I was fine before I starting talking to him, thinking about him and imagining how I would incorporate him into my life. Whatever, you can sit there and he say that he wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't that serious and that I shouldn't have been hurt but I know what I felt. Either I made this whole thing up or he just never felt the same way (more likely the latter) because he just walked the fuck away like it was nobody's business. So right now all that is left for me to do is to get back to where I was before I met him. When it comes to the opposite sex I seriously cannot be bothered anymore. This is my time now and I don't care if Leonardo DiFUCKINGCaprio wants to date me, it is not happening. I have way too much going on to worry about someone else and making them happy. It is all about me and I don't give a fuck how selfish that sounds, that is the way my life is going to be for now on, until I find out who I am as a person. Not saying I will turn away the opportunity for any sloppy, drunk hookups; I just won't be getting the other party's phone number.

Funny how almost two years ago I created this blog to chronicle my life dating as a newly single 21 year old and now this has become a blog about finding myself and bettering my life. This is going to be the best year of my life, I call it now.

Well, at least I am not trying out for American Idol.

A highlight of my junior year of high school was when the daughter of one of my school's religion teachers tried out for American Idol. She ended up making the worse of the worse list and giving quite an unforgettable performance.



Side Note: Her and her mother are extremely religious, which makes Simon's remark even more amazing.

Like everyone else I basked in the glory and made fun of her for it but deep down inside I admired the balls that she had for actually going on national television and trying to sing. It shows that she truly does not care what other people think about her. This weekend, I think I took a step in this direction. I DID KARAOKE. To most people this is not a big deal at all, some even do it weekly, but to me - this was huge. We went out for Dora's birthday and after dinner ended up at Karaoke Boho in the Village. While I was not in driving condition, I definitely was not as drunk that I thought I would need to be for karaoke. My singing voice is similar to that of a pre-pubescent boy whose balls are about to drop, but I still managed to have fun while singing. This does not mean that all of my issues are cured, but this was a big step for me. And I got to cross something else off of my Day Zero Project.

This will be the year that I fall in love.

…with myself, that is.

There must be something about February and me going through a blogging slump because I stopped posting regularly this time last year as well. I guess this might have something to do with the fact that I am busy and have much less to think up much less write a post. School has been going well, I finally passed my 70 and moved up into the 80-90 class. For this term, I have to pass my 90 by the end of it (mid May) to pass the class so I am half-way there. I have the same teacher that I had for my first semester theory class and it is a lot different to have her for a speed test. She is a really difficult grader and while that is going to be frustrating, I know that it will make me a better writer.

I have done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. I have always cared what other people think of me and I think now, more than ever, that needs to stop. It affects pretty much every aspect of my life and I know that it holds me back. I have an amazing personality and a great sense of humor but for some reason I have trouble showing everyone the real me. One of my managers at work said something to me last night that really struck a cord. I have been having trouble lately focusing on work (I'm busy worrying about other things) and have made a few mistakes. I don't feel that I am in immediate danger of losing my job, but if this continues I without a doubt will be. She described how I was when I first started there and said that I was "funny as all hell, without even trying to be." That was when I was being myself and you know what? I kicked ass at work. I went above and beyond and impressed the hell out of my managers. Now? I'm finding myself trying to convince my new supervisor that I didn't always suck. I don't know why I stopped being myself and going back into my shell but I am almost positive that it is directly related to my work performance. Which sucks to be honest, I know how to fix an outer problem; its the inner problems that I have the most trouble with and require the most work.

I always say this but this year, I am truly taking the time to work on myself. I'm going to start with the one thing that I know has been a problem for pretty much all of my life, my weight. When I was younger I let my weight hold me back a lot and was extremely unhappy. In college I kind of broke out of that shell, fell in love and was happy with myself, for the most part. I was self-conscious with my boyfriend but it felt great to have a guy who thought I was hot even when I begged to differ. Even being single I have not let my weight hold me back because I know that my face (face it, I'm pretty) and my personality more than make up for it. Of course I feel self-conscious the first time I sleep with someone but I think that is something that any girl, at any size, feels. However, I feel that my weight definitely holds me back in every other aspect of my life. Though not directly, I am certain that my weight is related to why I am afraid to be myself in front of everyone. I owe it to myself to look good and to be able to be who I am without caring what anyone else has to think/say about it.

In an incredibly-90's moment, I decided to join Jenny Craig to help start me on this journey. I have heard of a few people losing a lot of weight on the program and actually keeping it off. My first week came and went and I lost 6.8 lbs. This week has been going just as well, I have yet to go off the plan and have upped the cardio. I don't expect to lose all the weight overnight, that's unrealistic and also means I will just gain it back. The fact that I have stuck to it for this long says something because I always lose my motivation after 2-3 days. This time it will work, it just feels differently.

So, this will be the year that I: fall in love with myself, lose a fuckload of weight, become healthier, pay off my credit card debt, and become a court reporter (or pass into the last class). I'm looking forward to it! I know I will look back on this post in a year from now and see how much I have bettered myself. I did this last year and I know that I can do it again this year.

Well, so much for that.

Life kind of got in the way of the 30 Day Challenge and I got so busy with school/work/life that I haven't really kept up with it so oh well, so much for that.

Things with that new guy kind of just died off. I was too crazy, always doubted his intentions when he had given me no reason to, and he most likely just got tired of it. I cannot say that I blame him but I don't know… he was different. I have gone on many dates and dated many other guys, I just felt like I had so much more in common with him, especially our personalities. I'm just afraid of getting hurt and when I realized that I was really starting to like him (I was pretty much smitten) I got scared and went a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I turned into someone I was not and stopped showing him the amazing person that I am. *toots horn* While yes, I would have LOVED to see where it could have gone, I cannot chase a man, especially one who does not want to be chased. Also he did something that was a tad disrespectful (I made plans, he said he would let me know if he was free and he never did) so I just owe it to myself to walk away now, before I make an even bigger ass out of myself. I'm not closing the door forever, just because we clicked really well and I don't know, the hopeful romantic in me believes that we did for a reason but obviously at this time, nothing is going to come out of it. At one point I really felt like that had a chance of turning into something but oh well, so much for that.

Since I never keep up with New Year's Resolutions I decided to start my goals this month. Over the past year I managed to find what I wanted to do in school, succeed at it and be happy. I also got a job and paid off most of my credit card debt. However, I still need to work on myself, on the inside and out. I need to start by no longer giving a fuck about what other people think about me. I know this is going to be one of the hardest things that I do but I know how much happier I will be in life. One of the first things that I did to start this was post my link on Twitter. Not that I think everyone is going to read it or even care what I have to say -- and how shitty of a writer I am -- but people that I know in real life can access this and the thought alone is kind of scary. I no longer give a fuck. This is about my life and what I have to say and if you don't like it well then fuck off.

I'm starting to ramble, which means that I am tired so I will just cut this short as if. I will go more into detail about 2011 being the Year of I Don't Give A Fuck at another time. In greater news - I MIGHT HAVE JUST FINALLY PASSED MY 70!! Its not confirmed yet but I went over the test today and only found 4.5 errors (we are allowed 18) so I most likely passed. I will post tomorrow on Twitter if its official. I am finally out of the 50-70 class and am just ecstatic to see that my hard work is paying off.