Everyone else is doing it.

Since I have work in two and a half hours, laundry in its rinse cycle, curly hair and furry eyebrows, I decided to make a post and furthermore press myself for time today. 2010 was actually quite successful for me. I made a few mistakes, definitely learned a lot and overall made some changes that will affect me for the rest of my life. Here's a month-to-month look back at this past year of my life.

January 2010

I started this blog but wasn't too optimistic about keeping up with it. I guess I proved myself wrong. I pursued a job opportunity and started a DayZero Project as a way to keep my accountable with my goals for the near-future. I decided that I was going to stay single until I worked on myself enough first.

February 2010

I did not make one post however - I GOT A JOB! Quite possibly one of the two best things that have happened to me this year. I was very happy to start work and to finally start making money again. My sorority had formal recruitment and I officially became old when my little took a little of her own. I continued at St. John's and was actually doing pretty well with the semester at that point.

March 2010

I also did not make one post this month. In a moment of weakness I started things up with Minute Man again and we accidentally (because it was not the intention) became friends-with-benefits. Whoopsies. I went through training at work and became a certified teller. I started to become completely frustrated with my situation at St. John's and stopped going to class (!!) but worked my ass off and made MAD DOUGH, yo! So, I guess it could have been worse there. Also, things with Minute Man quickly ended because well, fucking duh. I vowed to never be that stupid again with a man.

April 2010

I made the biggest decision of my life. On Easter I was sitting with my cousin talking about life in general, where I felt mine was going etc… when I realized that I needed to make a change. I knew that I was not going to be able to finish St. John's. I was not able to the first time around and I knew deep-down that it was not what I wanted for my life. Not to mentioned the $100,000+ in debt I would have been after graduation and STILL having to go to grad school, it was just not sensible. I decided to look into court reporting, something that I have always found interesting. I knew a few friends from HS who are reporters and decided to ask them about it. My mother FREAKED out and basically told me I was on my own. So I took the initiative, made appointments with people and registered myself there. It was the biggest step I have ever taken on my own but I knew that good things were going to come from it. Minute Man got a girlfriend in like literally a week so that was my way of realizing that things were just never meant to be.

May 2010

I found it very hard to finish strongly at St. John's especially now that I had officially transferred out and was taking classes that would not transfer over to NYCI. Finals week was a complete joke and I bullshitted my way through all of them. I took what could have been a 4.0 semester (I was working that hard) and wasted it ALL away. Oh well, lesson learned. I also did the most fucked up thing that I have ever done to a guy and not even seven days later had it completely blow up in my face. I went to formal anyway, got shitfaced and made an ass out of myself. What else is new? I also started classes at NYCI and realized that it was not going to be as easy as I thought.

June 2010

I got a little bored with the monotony of school/work/friends/rinse and repeat that my summer was about to become so I decided, like a moron, to subscribe to eHarmony. Just for shits and giggles, definitely looking to get a few laughs out of it. Laughs are definitely what I got. After some one disaster after another (and countless others) I decided to give up and change the premise of this blog from being about dating to being about myself.

July 2010

Never the one to easily give up, I decided to embark on a new dating journey with my best friend Dora and pretty much laughed at every desperate man that came my way. Dora seemed to have some success and I just ended up with the biggest creeps ever. I managed to find a normal seeming guy and then ended up having it not work out. I came to the conclusion that whenever I find a guy who seems to "get me", it never seems to work out. I also kept up with eHarmony because I was paying for it and ended up babysitting a child one Friday night.

August 2010

Since July had been cluttered with dating disasters and awkward moments, I decided to completely focus on myself and school from here on out. I realized that I have issues when it comes to dating and men but decided to put it all on the back burner. I purchased a MacBook and quickly realized that this would be the best credit card debt that I would ever have. I kept up with school and worked extra hours at work and finally realized that for the first time I was happy with where I am in life.

September 2010

Ah, my favorite month! I changed the name of my blog (for good!) and looked back on my life and realized how far I have come in the past year. I turned 23 and ended the semester, looking forward to a well-deserved week off. During that week I drove down to Lancaster, PA to visit Marathoner and her husband and had an amazing weekend. I also began a new semester and realized how tough it was going to be.

October 2010

Not much happened this month. School MURDERED me and I let pretty much every other aspect of my life (with the exception of work) take a backseat to it. One thing I wrote about was my Single-versary and I took a look back on how much my life has changed in the two years since Tight Wad and I had broken up. On Halloween I did something that I thought I would NEVER do in my life - I got a tattoo! and to me it was a sign of changing who I was for the better.

November 2010

This was a HUGE month for me school-wise. We started speed building in school and then testing. We took our 20 WPM and 30 WPM tests and I ended up getting 100 on both of them! I also got on the Dean's List which has ALWAYS been a goal of mine. I just felt so proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. On Thanksgiving I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. I started talking to the new guy and already began to create scenarios about how it was not going to work out.

December 2010

I started doing the Reverb10 prompts but then quickly stopped when I realized how every one of my answers were starting to sound the same. I went on a few dates with and started to really get to know the new guy. Of course I go crazy on him from time to time and so far he has been able to handle it. I am just worried that I am going to mess it up BECAUSE it seems to be going so well. I know, I sound insane but I am almost getting excited for it and I don't want that to cloud my judgment or make me blind to what really is going on. We took our 40WPM right before our Christmas break and I got 100 on that as well! It probably will be the last 100 I see but it was a great confidence boast to nail the first three speed tests that I took.

I really have to cut this short or else I am going to be late for work. There you have it, my 2010 in a nutshell, broken down by month. It wasn't always fun but for what I learned this year, I have absolutely no regrets!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!

You're just not used to normal.

Last night Dora had a rare opportunity - she was able to come out and play. We really didn't play, just went out for dinner and had some well-needed conversation. One of the things that we started to talk about was my situation with the new guy. Of course I have anxiety surrounding this, I have anxiety surrounding everything but from what I have learned in the past the anxiety is usually what kills things. This guy (will think of a name for him) has given me NO reason, other than the ones I create, to have any doubt in this situation so I just have to calm down. I really don't talk about him to my friends yet (its still in the beginning stages) so I tend to just act on my instincts/impulses and sometimes I do not do the best thing. Besides Dora the only other person I have discussed him with is Ms. Pulitzer, who ended up FUELING my neurosis as she told me about the negative intentions she feels he might have. THANK GOD for Dora because she definitely helped to ground me. She summed it up the best - "It seems to be going very well, and its normal. You're just not used to normal." and she's absolutely right.

I am not used to normal. I am used to a guy rushing things, not being sure about what he wants, not being sure about how to handle his feelings, etc… I am not used to a MAN that knows what he wants. This guy is slightly older than any guy I have seen and he is set in his life and career. He seems to have a great head on his shoulders and these are the things that attract him to me the most. Of course he is going to want to take things slowly. Also, I have never been in a successful "adult" relationship (or the beginnings of one). The last successful (at the time) relationship that I have started was when I was 18 years old. I am 23 now, things are bound to be different. My worrying comes from the fact that I do not know what to expect next. I am really not one to take a risk and jump into things not knowing whether or not I will get hurt. I have done things with him that I have not done with other guys, like initiating hanging out/dates. That is something that I would NEVER have done before because I feel that the guy should make the first move and that I would be needy if I did. Since I have learned to do that maybe now I can learn to just close my eyes and let it all happen.

Since New Year's Eve is tomorrow and January 2nd (I looked it up) was the day of my first post, I plan to do a "Year in Review" type of post. I don't have as many pictures for it as I would like so that is definitely something I am going to change for the next year.

Leave it to the holidays to make you realize how crazy you are.

Obviously I realize that I am crazy. Not only is it my twitter name but it is also the title and theme of my blog. I can't say that I am proud of it but I have definitely accepted myself for who I am. A fucking loon. I took a drive with my cousin Ms. Pulitzer to drop her grandmother off at home and we had a lovely discussion about this and the childhood events that could be blamed for my insanity. I figured since this is the season of giving and the fact that I have nothing better to do at the moment, I will share (some of) them.

1) I was not a planned baby.

Since my mother feels the need to hide basic details from me, I had no idea about this until some time last year when Ms. Pulitzer and her mom (my loving Aunt) just casually mentioned it in convo, thinking I had known about it. My mother was not my father's first wife. Actually she's not his second either. Or his third or fourth. For the mathematically challenged individuals out there, she was his fifth wife. Their wedding was his sixth though since he married his first wife twice.¹ When my father was married to his first wife they had three children; two daughters and a son. Unfortunately two days before Christmas their son (the youngest) died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Afterwards they decided they did not want to have anymore children so my father had a vasectomy. Then they divorced for whatever reasons² and he went on to marry other women, (yadda, yadda, yadda) and then somehow ended up with my mother. There was a 15 year age difference between my parents and my mother was in her mid-thirties when they met and married so my father was no spring chicken then. Now since we really are not close, I don't know how my mother felt about marrying a man who was only nine years her mother's junior much less one who had already had children and was "fixed" but knowing how she is, she definitely had a lot of comments and guilt that she fed to my father. I'm not sure how my mother managed to get pregnant, maybe vasectomies were not done right in the '60s but I was born. My father had not only raised his children already but was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was very young. My mother just had no idea what she was doing and this led to me not being disciplined and getting away with anything that I tried. It was all well and good until it became time for me to go to school and be around children my age because my um, "rambunctious" behavior definitely did not attract others to me.

2. I was poorly socialized.

This ties in with reason #1. Aside from half-sisters who were in their 30s and had children of their own, I was an only child. My parents both worked and were older so they really did not give me the attention that I needed and certainly did not bothering socializing me with other children my age. Before I started school the only other children that I knew were my cousins, Ms. Pulitzer (who is all of 9 weeks younger than I am) and her older brother. Since Ms. Pulitzer and I were forever put against each other (we even have the same first name) we did not get along at all and constantly fought. Also since I was not used to being around other children I clung to her, which definitely did not help the situation. As if that wasn't enough, we moved around the corner from my cousins and my mother decided to put me in the same school as them. Now we went to a small parochial school where there was only one class per grade and about thirty students to a class, so we were together all day long. Same problem, I clung to everyone since I was not used to being around kids and ended up driving everyone away from me. I was abused in grammar school (Ms. Pulitzer, who had friends, would chime in) and would often act out just for the attention. When I say that I had no friends, I literally mean that I had no friends. Like I would sit alone during the lunch period and just wonder around during recess, while everyone else was playing. As if that was not bad enough, the minute I got into high school I decided to completely make up an entire life to mask the one I had because I felt that it would better help me to make friends. Obviously it did not and I left high school with one or two girls who I still talk to and consider a friend.

Of course there are more things that have happened in my life but when it comes down to it, they always revolve around the two reasons that I listed above. As a result of this I am still somewhat socially awkward (it has improved, trust me) and I am a fucking neurotic mess. I think this partially has to do with being an imperfect perfectionist but also because I am terrified of people not accepting me. Growing up I was so used to having the people I tried befriending not liking me or becoming sick of me (I was told this to my face) so when I finally meet those who like me, I almost get too excited and eventually end up pushing them away. To this day Minute Man is still my favorite example of this, when he figured out that I was crazy homeboy fucking took off like a bat out of hell. I almost feel bad for the new guy because well A) he has to put up with me and B) nothing that I over-think and question (yes, he gets questioned) him about has to do with him. He said it the best when he had rhetorically asked if anything he had said/done caused me to question his intentions or where this was going. They haven't. In fact, he has treated me better than most of the men I dated but because he wants to take things slowly (which if anything should be a good sign) I take it as a bad sign and think that he must be getting sick of me. Hopefully I will learn to calm the fuck down, or get my hands on a prescription for Xanax before I do end up driving this one away.

All in all, Christmas 2010 was very nice. I had a great weekend with my family and Santa treated me very well. Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday!

<sub>1. I guess she was his "one true love", especially since my father was about to leave my mother but ended up dying first.

2. I have heard that my father was a philanderer and apparently had cheated on every one of his wives with the exception of my mother since he was too sick/old.</sub>

Procrastination at its finest.

I cannot even believe myself right now, its three days before Christmas and I haven't even STARTED Christmas shopping yet. I only brought some gifts for Dora because I know that our time together is limited so I had to be prepared. Aside from Dora I am only getting gifts for family members this year. Funds are just way too low and I actually have one of my bills due on New Year's Day, so its gonna be pretty fun. I'm thinking of using the Christmas money that my grandmother is giving me to help pay for that one, since it falls right in the middle of my pay period. Speaking of which, my paycheck was less than half of what it normally is and my next check is going to be missing two Saturdays in a row (no, I don't get paid holidays) so I'm lucky if its gonna be triple digits. I need to rob a bank, no joke. Or at least have the one I work for give me more hours so I can have a decent paycheck.

This sort of brings up an important (not really though) question - what do I get the new boy for Christmas? I have only been seeing him for a few weeks so I'm definitely not getting him anything major but I feel that I at least have to get him something. He's a huge nerd so I was thinking of going somewhere along the lines of that. Whatever, its the least of my worries right now but usually I am so good at putting together gifts. Whatever I end up doing, I know it will be funny. Any suggestions? Help a girl out!

Out of my two week mini break from school I have SIX days where I have nothing (school, work, holidays) to do. I feel like I have completely wasted my first three, all I have managed to get done is my laundry and OCD-clean my room. The visions I had of getting all of my homework and Christmas shopping done by now have long since faded away and I find myself sleeping until at least noon on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, it feels amazing to relax but I kind of feel like I am wasting this break and not getting done all the things that I need to. I have not even touched my machine other than to move it out of the way when I was cleaning last night. I know that I need to really practice this break or I am going to lose where I am at, which will cripple me if we take our 50WPM the week that we come back from break.

Enough procrastination, its time to make breakfast (its almost 4 in the afternoon), and get to shopping. Today is Macy's last One Day Sale before Christmas so the chances of me strangling someone are greatly increased. Has anyone else really procrastinated this holiday season?

I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need.

Let me just say that I have the WORST writer's block (which really I don't believe in, its just an excuse for being a shitty writer) that I have had since I started this blog. Fuck Reverb10. We can all just add that to the list of things that I have set out to do and ended up not finishing. I was too tired of answering almost every post with "Well, changing schools was the best decision ever." I mean don't get me wrong, it was, its just I had a few more things go on this year that deserve to be elaborated on as well. I probably will not have many pictures to go with it but expect some type of year-recap-thing post in the near future.

This week was pretty much one of the worst weeks that I have had in recent memory. Just the combination of stress from school, work and friends really did it in for me. I ended up taking a great deal of it out on the new guy. I'm still not willing to go into too much detail on that yet, I do not wanna jinx anything but aside from me sometimes going crazy, its going quite well. I went over his house yesterday and between demolishing his ass in Operation and then watching Drop Dead Fred, my bad week was just swept away and now I feel like my normal self again.

As of Thursday I am officially off from school for two whole weeks. It feels amazing but I am also terrified that I am not going to practice at all. I have a feeling that I have passed the point where I can get away with it and if we take our 50 the week we come back, I definitely will end up coming close to or actually failing it. Basically I have two goals set for this break: FINISH my room since my shelving piece finally came in and to PRACTICE MY ASS OFF. If I'm gonna be a court reporter, this is what I need to do.

Cutting this way short since shenanigans with aforementioned boy caused me to only get an hour of sleep today and I have yet to nap. Hopefully I will post again soon, if not Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

I really don't need a prompt to tell me what my best decision this year was.

So since I really have to get ready for work and blogger failed at saving my first draft to this post, it will be very short and just mention the prompts from Reverb10.

December 9 – Party Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

Either this year was just boring or I cannot think right now but I guess I am going to have to go with my sorority's formal that was in the spring. Despite having some fun date drama I still managed to have a good time and get incredibly shit faced. The drinks were not watered down as usually are and I found myself very drunk by the end of cocktail hour. The rest of the night consisted of even more drinking, sloppy dancing, me crying my head off and then throwing up in another girl's room. I woke up the next morning on the floor, wrapped in a blanket and still wearing my dress. When I was finally able to pick my head up I looked over to see one of the new girls passed out in a ball pit. I guess you could say that Formal 2010 was a success. I'm still not sure if I am going to go next year, it all depends on who is going and where I am with my life.

December 10 – Wisdom Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

The wisest decision that I made this year was to transfer out of St. John's and into court reporting school. I have never been happier and have never done so well in school. My motivation has not let up, mostly because I now have a direction in my life. I know that upon graduating I will have a job and be a court reporter. In St. John's I had NO idea what I was going to do after graduation. I knew that I was going to have to be placed on suicide watch because of my student loans though and with an entry-level position in the hospitality industry, had NO clue how I was going to pay them off. Court reporting school is cheaper so my loans will not be too, too bad but I will still have my loans from St. John's to pay off. These are just some of the many reasons why I feel I made the best decision that I could have made for my life.

This was like the third or fourth prompt that the answer has been about school. I guess it really was the best decision I could have made for my life.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away

… Well, in the case of my last Christmas he didn't even take it at all!

Since its too late to begin a real post (I like to get at LEAST six hours of sleep at night) I will just do two Reverb10 prompts.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

The only thing that I could really think of is the one of court reporting students. Between students that are in higher speeds in school and ones that I have found on twitter, I know that I have a support system to go to whenever I feel frustrated with school and get stuck at a speed.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I guess it would be my personality? I like to make people laugh. I accept that I am not normal, know my biggest flaws and find that they are what make me, me.

What I have made, besides a mess.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

I have no idea what to make of this one. The last thing I made was something that I cooked so I guess I will go along with that?

"Chocolate Covered Strawberries" Pancakes



All I did was make whole wheat pancakes from a mix. I folded 1 tbsp. of chocolate chips into the batter and instead of butter and syrup I topped them with strawberry preserves. These are amazing, healthy and they really do taste like chocolate covered strawberries.

One of the items on my 101 in 1001 is to learn how to cook some new dishes so I definitely would love to set aside some time to do that. What I know how to cook, I can cook it well but I am definitely always up for some new recipes.

Sometimes its better to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Here are the two Reverb10 prompts from this weekend that I missed.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I guess I just did a lot of wondering about my future and where my life was going. Its not that much different from what I have wondered every other year of my life though.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I let go of the dream that I had of graduating from St. John's and becoming an event planner (ultimate goal is to open my own catering hall). I am 23 and would be 27 by the time I would have been done with everything, including grad school. I also would be in close to $150,000 worth of debt starting out in an entry-level position in the hospitality industry. Not happening. Now I am much more motivated to go to class and do my work because I know what direction I am heading towards now. Who knows, maybe one day I will eventually open that catering hall but for right now, I know that I am meant to be a court reporter.

I had a lot of fun this weekend thanks to both my family and the guy that I went on the date with. He ended up driving down to PA, going out with us after the wedding and staying over with me. I am still behind on my homework so I am going to go into the details and that and the weekend in general tomorrow.

Its always a good idea to make a blog post when you're running late.

So I had such good intentions of being on the road early, getting to East Stroudsberg (whaddup stalkers) during the early afternoon, etc… But I don't think I am going to end up leaving until at least noon. Considering I just woke up, need to pack (i.e. figure out what I am wearing tomorrow), get a quick mani/pedi and then run over to work and settle some business. Yes, I am fucking awesome when it comes to time management. Oh and my mother just texted me, apparently I have to add stopping by my uncle's repair shop to make sure my car can handle the ride. Yeah, I think we're just gonna lie about that one.

So last night I had what I would like to call an Amazing First Date. I have only had a few AFDs in my life so far so this is kind of a big deal and pretty sweet. More deets on that at a later time, I just don't have the time to write about it now and also I don't wanna talk about something until I know what it is. Just know, that it was REALLY GOOD.

I guess I will also get today's Reverb10 out of the way. Obviously I am not going to be able to do tomorrow's on time so Sunday will just be my make-up day. I actually like today's and feel that it is more relevant to my life than my blog (which is my life so that statement makes NO SENSE but whateva).

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

In September during the week I had off from school Dora and I spent a lot of time together and explored a lot of new places (to me at least). One of the places that she took me to was the Gateway National Recreation Area (Great Kills Marina/Park/ish). We parked over by the water and stared out at the marina. It was the end of September and we were by the water so it was very windy but I did not mind. I just stood there, staring out, letting the wind mess up my hair. The water seemed like it just went on forever and the sun's reflection off of it was absolutely beautiful. Dora and I were sitting in different areas just thinking. I was reflecting on the semester that just ended and how far I had come as person in just a short period of time. I have no idea what Dora was thinking of but I hope sitting there helped her find some peace in this rough time that she is going through. Afterwards we cleaned out her trunk, took some great pictures and then explored a little more. When the weather gets warmer I would definitely love to go back out there. Who knew such beauty could exist on Staten Island?

I have a family wedding this weekend and I am kind of excited for it. This is my father's family and while I love that I have contact with them because they are my only link to them, I still need to fully warm up to them. This is my third time in 15 years being around them so I feel that its only normal. The last Pennsylvania wedding that I went to was um, different then what I was expecting so I am definitely curious to see what happens at this one.

Well, I'm off to shower/pack/complete my laundry list and definitely get a last minute cuddling session with my dog. Have a great weekend!!

Day 2 of Reverb10

Since I might possibly have a date (more on this later!) tonight, I am going to rush through the Reverb for today and get it done before work. Todays prompt -

December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

I'm going to tweak this one a bit because outside of this blog I really don't write and its not this serious. So I am going to refer to writing as writing on my steno machine (AKA practicing). What really affects me from practicing more is utter laziness. I am just so wiped out between work and school then when I get to go home and have free time, I sleep. A two hour nap turns into a four hour nap and then I end up not practicing that night because I am too tired. Right now I am still at lower (i.e. - EASIER) speeds so its not too big of a deal but in a few weeks I will be taking my 50WPM and 60WPM tests and for those I NEED to practice. It is impossible to get through court reporting school without practicing on your machine for at least 1-2 hours a day in addition to class time so I really need to step up my game. To help with this I have been staying after school (where I can't sleep) and practicing for a few hours a night and I am already starting to see an improvement.

Someone suggested on my last post that to celebrate 100 posts I should do a small re-cap of my favorite posts so far. I will definitely think about that, especially for my new followers (shoutout!) who might not know what is going on. I have an out-of-town wedding this weekend but will get that post started soon.

100th Post and Reverb10

Today is kind of a blogging milestone for me - its my 100th post! I usually don't keep up with things so the fact that I kept up with somewhat-regular posts (I missed a month or two somewhere) must really say something. I'm not going to do a a review of all my posts because I plan to do one later this month for the upcoming new year. I first started this blog in May of 2009 with the title "A Single Girl in the City" thinking that I was going to write all about my adventures with being newly single in New York City but that never happened. I had met Minute Man that summer, never got to act single and forgot that I had made a blog. January of this year I remembered this blog and decided to keep the title because I had no clue what direction I wanted to take this in. I was in such a different place from where I am now. I had no job and basically no direction in life. In one of my earlier posts from January I decided that 2010 was going to be the Year of Nikki and I almost feel that it has been. The job opportunity¹ that I mentioned in that post ended up becoming a reality and I have been there almost a year now. I knew that I needed to make a change in my life in order to survive, I just had no idea what that change would be.

I am also participating Reverb10 this year.



Each day in December you get a prompt on something to post that reflects on the past year and helps you look forward to the new one.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

I guess in going with this post and what I have done this year my word for 2010 would have to be CHANGE. I know that it is cliche but this year has just brought forth so many changes that have all been for the better, even if I had not felt so at the time. The word I hope will capture 2011 will be SUCCESS. Yes, its another cliche but by this time next year I want to be healthier, happier and most of all, I want to be typing at (or very close) to 225 wpm. I know this is an achievable goal, because of the many people I have seen in school complete this in the same timeline. I know that I have the mindset for this, I hear it all the time. I also know how I am and that if I put my mind to this, practice just a little more each day, I can definitely achieve this goal. I desperately want to run the 2012 ING NYC Marathon and by this time next year I would need to have made some serious steps towards this goal. I just hope that somewhere I can find the strength and motivation to do this because I know how proud of myself and how much happier I will be.

What would your word for 2010 be?


_{1. Ironically, the hot guy that aided in getting me the job is now the manager at my branch.}

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Like most people I did not get fat from eating salads and tofu all day long. I LOVE cupcakes, mainly all kinds. One day in March Dora and I had a bake-a-thon and we made awesome looking cupcakes and buttercream decorating frosting from scratch. One of my far-fetched dreams in life would be to open a cupcakery (patent?) and have Dora be like my head-decorator. Except everyone seems to be doing that now-a-days so its probably not going to happen. Anyway this post was not to talk about how much I love cupcakes, I'm not that much of a fatass… It was to give you one of my favorite recipes!

I do make an honest attempt (most of the time) to eat more healthy and lose weight so you could just imagine how stoked I was to find a recipe for red velvet cupcakes on Hungry Girl's website. These are absolutely amazing! Better than most red velvet cakes/cupcakes that I have had and what's best is they are only 140 calories per cupcake. Without further ado…



Ingredients:

Frosting

6 tbsp. Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme
6 tbsp. Cool Whip Free, thawed
1/4 cup fat-free cream cheese, softened
1 tbsp. Splenda No Calorie Sweetener (granulated)

Cupcakes

1 cup Devil's Food cake mix
1 cup Classic Yellow cake mix
Two 25-calorie diet hot cocoa mix packets
1/2 cup fat-free Egg Beaters
1/4 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided
Entire bottle of red food coloring
1 tsp. Splenda No Calorie Sweetener (granulated)
1/8 tsp. salt

Directions:

Place half of your chocolate chips (2 tbsp.) and the contents of both cocoa packets in a tall glass. Add 12 ounces of boiling water, and stir until chips and cocoa mix have dissolved. Place glass in the freezer until mixture is cold (about 30 minutes). Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a bowl, mix together marshmallow creme, cream cheese, and 1 tbsp. Splenda until smooth. Fold in Cool Whip. Place bowl in the fridge to chill until cupcakes are ready to be frosted. Once the cocoa in the freezer has chilled, give it a stir, and pour it into a large mixing bowl. Add the cake mixes, egg substitute, remaining chocolate chips, red food coloring, 1 tsp. Splenda, and salt. Using a whisk or fork, mix batter for about 2 minutes (until smooth and blended). Batter will be thin, but don't worry, your cupcakes will puff up once baked! Line a 12-cup muffin pan with baking cups, and spray lightly with nonstick spray (or simply spray the pan with nonstick spray). Evenly spoon batter into the pan. Place pan in the oven, and bake for 15 - 20 minutes. Cupcakes will look shiny when done. Once cupcakes have cooled completely, evenly spread the frosting over them.

Change is good, I guess.

I changed my URL so that it now at least matches my blog and the theme of it. Sorry for any inconvenience!

Two advertisements - I put my blog over on Bloglovin soo be a doll and follow me there.

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Also be sure to check out this week's Mingle Monday over at Life of Meg

Precisely why I am not allowed to like guys.

I seriously cannot handle myself anymore. I mean don't get me wrong, I take pride in the fact that I am a neurotic little mess, hell I even have a blog about my life entitled "Color Me Neurotic" but sometimes I just take it way too far. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Now I have not really divulged into the mess that I have been with other men in my life. Mainly because I had not been blogging at the time or was and just did not feel like humiliating myself in front of the world (or whoever the fuck reads this). I could assure you that I have taken part in destroying some things. Tight Wad for one went really well, for a really long time but then when it fell apart, it was like the Vietnam War in the sense that it was prolonged, useless and not many (only him) survived. Since I have such a fucked up sense of humor I could actually laugh at the whole Minute Man situation. Unfortunately Dora is still trying to recover from that whole debacle. It is something that I can only describe as the "Train Wreck of Nikki Jo". I was deceiving, he thought I was some cool, level-headed, normal girl. When my neurosis surfaced, he ran like a bat out of hell. Obviously he could not handle me and who could really blame him? I'm a mess, however deep-down inside, I am an amazing girl who wants nothing more than to find someone who can catch her drift.

So it goes without saying that I am definitely one to lose her cool with guys. I guess it may be insecurity but I am not afraid of not being able to GET a man. Whatever, I'm overweight but I am still pretty and I have an awesome personality. I just am… different and as I have figured out, am too much for some people to handle. So I guess my real challenge is to find someone who can just accept and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I always manage to get excited when I find someone who just might do that and almost expect something to go wrong. I need to learn how to stop sweating the small stuff and just LET IT FLOW. I have to get over it and realize that just because it hasn't worked with anyone else does not mean that it will not work with anyone. I don't like to be blind-sighted with things so in my craziness I figure that if I prepare for failure I will not be hurt or affected by it. This all sounds somewhat logical except for the fact that I often take this preparation way too far and end up killing something that would have worked out otherwise.

I think I am starting to do this right now in a situation that I possibly have going in. This particular situation is not even blog-worthy (yet!) and I am still in KNOTS thinking of ways that it will not work. For sure I am going to drive this person away even though he seems to be fine with me being a crazy fuck. I don't know what the future holds for it though, I have yet to even meet this person but all I know is that my text message count with him is almost 1000 more than the ones I have with the members of my inner circle so maybe that says something. All I know is that I cannot worry about a situation that has yet to even develop. I guess I should be happy that I am at least logical and aware of my problem. I just wish that I could listen to my own advice and take a big fucking chill pill. Oh, to the man that I am going to marry - This will ALL be worth it, promise : )

Well since it is Thanksgiving...

I don't care if its cliche, I am making a post of all the things that I am thankful for. I am thankful for -

MY FAMILY Whatever, we don't always get along and its definitely not normal but that does not change what they mean to me.

MY (CLOSE) FRIENDS The ones who know how crazy I am yet still love me. The friends that I could go to for anything and know that even though I might sometimes be yelled at for it, they will never judge me.

MY HEALTH Because yanno, its nice to be alive.

MY JOB The economy fucking sucks. I feel fortunate enough to not only have a job but one that I like and make decent money at. Its great for working part-time and still going to school.

FINALLY KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO DO This one is a biggie. I've spent many years of my life unhappy and just not feeling complete because I never knew what I wanted to do. My life has improved tenfold, even things like my confidence have gotten better because I know how a direction. I am thankful that I finally figured it out.

That's my list for this year! Happy Thanksgiving : )

Songs that will always mean something to you...

Inspired from a tweet by Ashley Zarlin I decided to make a list of the songs that I would never forget. Everyone has them, those certain songs that will almost bring you back to a point in your life when you hear them. Here are my top 10 (because really this list could go on forever) -

10) Your Song - Elton John.
This is one of my ALL TIME favorite love songs. In a creepy moment The Security Guard sang this to me but it wasn't as romantic as I had always imagined. It was kinda creepy and a wee-bit too much for a first date. This song will be played at my wedding.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8

9) Forgot About Dre - Dr. Dre & Eminem
This song was my shit back in 7th and 8th grade. I remember requesting this on TRL non-stop until it was retired.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFcv5Ma8u8k&feature=channel

8) Oops! I Did It Again - Britney Spears
Obsessed was not the word!! I remember watching the Making The Video for this and DYING. On a more embarrassing note I recently found my diary from when I was younger and in an entry I actually wrote about being sad over this video's retirement from TRL. True story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CduA0TULnow

7) Big GIrls Don't Cry - Fergie
This song is basically what gave me the balls to attempt (he pulled me back once he realized what he was doing) to walk away from Tight Wad after the Shitstorm (or the whole summer) of 2007. It just reminds me of trying to be strong when I was being knocked down to the floor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6sqA9QtV5I

6) Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey
I believe this song is still my voicemail message. This song always reminds me of going to summer camp when I was younger and everyone singing it on the bus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfRNRymrv9k

5) Suga Suga - Baby Bash
I hear this song and automatically I am brought back to my junior year of high school. No matter what this will ALWAYS bring a smile to my face and I think Dora knows why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rgStv12dwA

4) You Make Me Wanna - Usher
Holy 5th grade Batman! This song will forever remind me of grammar school and to this day I still blast in when I hear it on the radio as an "oldie" (eye roll)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQRzrnH6_HY

3) I Like The Way You Work It (No Diggity) - BlackStreet
Another grammar school memory, except this is maybe 4th or even 3rd grade. About a decade later I would hear this song again and go on to have a rather slut-tastic drunken moment to it in the basement of a frat house. For many reasons, this song is without a doubt a classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KL9mRus19o

2) *NSYNC - This I Promise You
I actually went to their No Strings Attached tour in 2001 and CRIED when the stage came out and they sang this. To this day this song turns me into mush and no matter what my future husband says, this WILL be our wedding song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45aGsuOcQO8

1) Gold Digger - Kanye West ft Jamie Foxx
This song was the number one song on my 18th birthday which apparently makes it my "Life theme song". Not only does it remind me of my 18th birthday but when I first started college. I remember driving like a mad-woman up to campus during pledging with this blasting. Will never fail to remind me of that time and bring a smile to my face.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

What are some songs that you will never forget?

Massive feeling of accomplishment

In all of my years at school I have never done this well. I just amazes me how much I am able to accomplish when I put my mind to it but at the same time it also angers me because I didn't have to waste three years of my life but not doing what I needed to. Whatever, this post is not to dwell on the past and the what-ifs, its to celebrate how much I am kicking school's ass right now.

This week was probably the busiest one I have had yet, I had midterms in both medical AND legal terminology and my first speed test. I was actually kind of nervous about it. Not because I was afraid I wouldn't pass it, its fucking 20 words per minute if I can't pass that then obviously I am not cut out to be a court reporter. It was more because we are now starting speed and the whole thing is becoming real. Its not secret around school how frustrating it is to build up speed and all the time you hear about people failing tests and being stuck at a certain speed (both are inevitable) and I am just nervous for that. I am nervous because 99% of the time -- the only exception being when I pledged my sorority -- I have given up when things are gotten rough. Right now it is easy because 20 words a minute is not that fast, at all and given how much I practice I should have NO problem getting my 30, 40 or even 50. Its after that I am nervous about because a lot of people I know have gotten stuck at 70. I just don't want to get frustrated and give up. I have to keep remembering that there is a reason this profession pays so well and that just because other people give up does not mean that I have to as well. It all depends on me now and how much I practice, that and that alone will determine how well I succeed at this.

So how have I done on my tests this week you wonder? I got a 100 on medical terminology AND a steno test that I took last week. And my 20 wpm? I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING 100!!! I seriously feel like it is a right of passage that we are in speed now. Let's hope I kick my 30 wpm's ass too. I have my legal terminology midterm tomorrow and I have been studying my ass off for it so hopefully I do just as well on it.

Also, last semester I made the Dean's List for the first time in my life (and crossed it off my my 101 in 1001) and today our school had a little shindig where they handed us out certificates.


Oh yeah. Dean's List yeah.

Anyway off to study for legal terminology. Have a great weekend lovelies!

The best man I knew...

Today, November 11 is not only Veteran's Day but also would have been my grandfather's 84th birthday. He was an amazing man - a devoted husband, loving father and a great grandfather.

My grandfather was born on November 11, 1926 in Manhattan, New York. The son of Italian immigrants, he was the oldest of their three sons. Growing up my grandfather was best friends with one of my grandmother's brothers and the rest is history. They dated throughout their teen years and were married on September 17, 1949. My grandparents were blessed with two children, a son and a daughter and though it was not always easy, they made the best of it and provide a good life for their children.

I seriously hit the jackpot when it comes to grandfathers. I was super close to him because my mother was a daddy's girl and them being close led to him and I being close. After my father passed away my grandfather really stepped in and was a great father figure for me. He accompanied me to father/daughter dances at school, picked me up from chemistry review (read: detention) in high school and always offered his advice and listening ear.


Father/Daughter Dance 2001.

He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was younger but it ended up coming back years later in 2008. After battling it for months he passed away on May 10, 2008. During that time I was taking an English class and the professor I had just changed my whole outlook on life and death. While I was crushed that I was losing a second father, I was very at peace with his death. One thing that my professor kept mentioning throughout the semester was making sure that you spent your "dash" (as in the dash between the year you were born and the year you will die) as best as you can. My grandfather was married to the love of his life for 58 years, raised and watched his two children marry and give him three grandchildren, made his only grandson a Yankees fan and had an amazing life. I cannot think of a better way that he could have spent his dash.

My grandfather loved the summer and the beach. Right now he is probably relaxing on the beach with a beer in his hand.

Why I am never downloading another app on my phone again.

For those who do not know, a few weeks ago I traded in my beloved BlackBerry for a Droid phone. I ended up getting the Samsung Fascinate and I am in love with it and all of the cool things that it can do. The only thing I was missing was BBM. Most of my friends have BBM so it was just an easy way to keep in touch with everyone. Recently they came out with this new messenger named KiK that can be used with ALL smart phones. Intrigued and still mourning over BBM, I decided to download it. To make things easier KiK decides to make a list of "People you may know" and update it every time someone knew creates an account. I was fine with seeing friends of Minute Man pop up, even OK with seeing the Security Guard come up on my list and IM me. However, what happened this morning while I was sitting in my legal terminology class was just the last straw. I decided to open the application and what pops up on my screen? "You may know TIGHT WAD" … Yeah, NO SHIT I know him. I only dated him for three fucking YEARS. I have not seen or spoken to him in two years and honestly seeing his name just sort of threw me for a loop. I quickly closed the application and put my phone away in my bag. The guy who sits next to me turned to me and said that I looked like I just saw a ghost. I did, I saw a ghost of my relationships past.

For some reason seeing his name caused my mind to fill with memories, good but mostly bad, of all the times that we had together. Especially memories of our breakup which went from being amicable to be very, very ugly. That is the one reason why we vowed to never speak to one another again. While I know this is for the better and that no matter what I will NEVER try to, part of me still hurts that he has never tried. Like if I was such a great girl wouldn't he miss me even the slightest? Or at least wonder about where I am in my life and if I'm happy? I guess seeing his name there and knowing that he had the ability to contact me yet still did not is what hurt the most. I cannot even believe I am admitting this, yet alone feeling it. I know that I am over him and am in places that I never thought I would be in without him but part of me is still not over IT. Don't get me wrong, it was not a perfect relationship and it had definitely run its course but it was nice to love someone who loved me back and just really UNDERSTOOD me. As I have learned, its hard to find men who will put up with a crazy, neurotic moron like myself.

Finally after a few cigarettes and a cheeseburger I was able to snap out of my funk and focus on my steno test. I think I did pretty well and hope to get back my grade tomorrow. Its official though, we start speed building and testing next Tuesday. It will be our 20wpm test which I am not too nervous about since that is pretty god-damn slow. I guess it is just hitting me how fast this is going. I'm excited yet kind of nervous at the same time. I have never actually been on a clear path in my life and succeeded it at, so this is a first for me.

Don't forget to check out Mingle Monday! There are still a few more hours left to participate.

Commercial break - An advertisement and previews of a new series.

If you are looking for more followers/blogs to read then I suggest you stop over at the Mingle Monday that Meg is hosting!

I'm also thinking of doing a series (I guess?) of posts entitled "Reason # ?? why I am still single" and posting something that I have already done that just might have driven a man away from me. I'm either going to call it that or "Reasons why I need to be on meds" because unfortunately both of those lists continue to grow each and every day.

The innocence of childhood...

When you're a little kid you ALWAYS have these real shoot-for-the-stars kind of dreams that you could be or doing anything that you want to in this world. When you get a little older, maybe middle school-high school those dreams change into more realistic ones and then as you approach the real world the reality sets in. You realize that you most likely will not be achieving those dreams and that are you in fact not as incredible as you once thought you were. I'd love to have a little kid's mentality again, so naive and innocent, imagining (and believing) that you had the world at your fingertips. You know, the way that you look at the world before you experience personal failure and heartache, before you learned to expect nothing so that way you would avoid any disappointment. I would like to think that as a child I probably was not neurotic. Actually scratch that, I had social anxiety. So ok, maybe I did have issues back then as well but I wasn't aware of them yet so I guess I did not worry about them much.

As a child my babysitter was the television and from watching re-runs of I Love Lucy and Saturday Night Live I fell in love with both Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner. I touched into my past Lucy obsession in this post. I always saw Lucille Ball and Gilda Radner as these two women who were hilarious and stopped at nothing to make people laugh. My far-fetched childhood dream was to be a cast member on Saturday Night Live. I guess young Nikki thought older Nikki would actually be funny but unfortunately, I was wrong. Not saying that I don't make my friends laugh because I definitely do, but I am definitely not up to par with a cast member of the show. I take that back, with recent seasons I definitely am as funny if not funnier than half the cast members on now but that really is not saying much given the show sucks right now.

What was your far-fetched dream as a child?

Holy shit… This thing is never coming off

So on Saturday I did something that is not me. Something that I swore I would never, EVER do… No, I did not have a one-night stand - I GOT A FRIGGIN TATTOO! My father was a sailor and had many tattoos, one being a naked woman on his arm and um lets just say when HE got older, she did as well. He also had his name on one set of knuckles and his first wife's name on the other and when I was little I would ALWAYS ask when they were getting back together. My mother loved that. As a result of that I kind of swore off tattoos and any kind of major body modification. That is until Friday where I somehow grew the balls to want a tattoo. I was debating between a pink heart or a little ladybug on my wrist but I am definitely happy with what I ended up getting.



If you cannot tell, that is the Open Hearts Collection by Jane Seymour (yanno, Dr. Quinn). When Tight Wad and I first broke up I was OBSESSED with this collection and the quote If your heart is open it will never stay broken and not only with that but I have also had an open heart towards other things in my life and I feel that it has helped me get through them. I love it and I feel that the tattoo is very "Nikki Jo". I am already thinking about my next one but I am not sure where I should put it …

Today was the first FULL day off (from both work AND school) that I have had off in a long time. What did I accomplish? Absolutely NOTHING. My room is still slightly messy (blasphemy) and I have yet to do my laundry. Whatever, I still managed to sleep 10 hours, get my nails done and spend $40 to rebound a book that cost me $60. I also spent some much needed time with Dora! I had not seen her in almost two weeks and even though we could not go roaming today (stupid early sunset) we went out to dinner at Chevy's and discovering that our Angel was hired back! It made our reunion THAT much more meaningful. We just happen to have one of those friendships where we could go weeks without seeing each other and just sort of pick right back up from where we left off. I know she is going through a really tough time right now but I would hope that she knows that no matter what I will FOREVER be there for her.

The back of my throat is numb… What are you doing?

I hate not having enough time to post in this. School and work have just been in full swing lately and even though it is stressful, I feel that I am doing quite well. We are on the last chapter of theory in our book and now we start to build speed very soon so I am kind of nervous about that. I know I will be fine in the beginning. Just from seeing/hearing others I am confident that I will end up passing my 70 at the end of this semester. I manage to practice often and I just know myself. After that? ... not so sure. I have heard that a popular speed that people get stuck on is 90 so I've braced myself for it. I know that this is a hard and frustrating thing to do however, I also know that it is not impossible. I also know what I am capable of doing once I apply myself to something but unfortunately this is something that I have failed to do consistently all throughout my life. I was starting to feel bad that the majority of my posts are about school but then I thought fuck it. This is MY blog, about MY life and if right now my life is mainly just school, then so be it. It is not going to be like this forever. This is just one long, boring chapter in the book of Nikki.

Speaking of school, I guess I must have not graduated high school in 2005 because I feel that I am right back there all over again. There is A LOT of drama that goes on here and I actually think its because the majority of us are from Staten Island. I guess I just expected this to be more of a professional environment, especially because everyone here is training for a career as opposed to say a job. Whatever, I need to block it out and not have it bother me. In the end, this is MY life I am bettering so it really does not matter what the people around me are choosing to do with theirs.

For reasons that I will not go into at this time, I have been feeling very lonely lately. On Saturday I went over one of my sorority sister's houses and had a much needed girls night. We ended up going to the local sex store and just having a lot of fun. I guess its been a long time since I was regularly getting laid because they have all of this new stuff that I was not aware of. One of the items that someone had found and purchased were these mints that numbed the back of your throat. Trust me, they actually work as well. Unfortunately I have not yet learned to separate sex from emotion (that summer goal was not completed... FAIL) so I did not have a little um "friend" that I could send a text to about this. This does not bother me as much because for the first time in like ever I am actually truly content with being single. Not to say if I met a guy who truly knocked me off my feet I would not go for it but for right now, this is working for me. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that the guy I have a serious crush on might have a girlfriend. Sometimes life is funny that way I guess. Its just a little unfortunate that somewhere out there, there is a guy who missed out on an amazing blow job.

Two years later ...

Today is a very special anniversary for me. On October 19, 2008 (yes, I remember the date) Tight Wad and I broke up for good. It definitely was not easy, especially once my anger finally subsided and I had realized what happened but I felt that I dealt with it in a very positive way and I managed to grow a lot from it. This was also at the point of my life when I had turned my back on all of my friends (for Tight Wad) so I pretty much had no body when I went through this, just a few girls who did care but I was not extremely close with. If I could get through that alone then I could pretty much get through anything else that is thrown my way alone, which is what I am now. But that's just another can of worms that I don't feel like opening right now, at least with this post. I just cannot believe how much my life has changed in these past two years…

For one I was getting laid regularly. That kicked back up again last summer but it has not been on a regular basis since then. Its not the most important but nonetheless it is still a major difference in my life. Also, I had absolutely NO IDEA what I wanted to do with my life. I was still attending this school that I nick-named "The Zoo" because in all honesty, that is what it was. It is the community college in Manhattan and basically everyone that goes there does so because they are not ready for college. Saying the school is a joke would be a complete understatement and yet somehow I ended up there. Definitely not one of my proudest moments but honestly I don't feel that I would be where I am today if it were not for this school and one of the professors that I had there. After Tight Wad and I broke up I bounced around between schools and finally on Easter I figured out needed to be. Also, I was working at a job that I was not too fond of and did not make too much money. Now, I have the job at the bank and I can honestly say that I do like my job. I do get paid a lot when compared to other jobs however I also tend to spend a lot more as well, so money is pretty tight right now.

I guess the only thing that has remained the same or maybe even worsened is my weight. I think I've gained around 10-15 pounds in the last two years. I finally have my life under control for the most part and it feels amazing. Now I really need to get this under control. I don't know how many times I have said those or even have written about this in my blog but I really need to get my weight under control. I pay for the gym and for weight watchers monthly and am literally wasting $80 every month. Right now I am trying to use that as my motivation for going. I just know how much that losing weight will impact and more importantly improve my life. I know I will be more confident and will be able to do many of the things that I do a lot easier. I just don't know why it is not clicking for me at the moment. I know I do not want to be in a relationship for at least another two years (25 I think is going to be a BIG year for me) so really besides that whole building speed thing, what else do I have to work on right now? I just need to find the right kind of motivation and I need to do so, fast.

If you would have told me two years ago, as I was sitting on my bed HYSTERICAL crying… that I would not only be OK but that I would be even better, I would not have believed you. I can honestly look back on the relationship I had with Tight Wad and say that I am truly grateful for it. I am grateful that I fell in love and learned what it was to love someone and have them truly love you back. I also learned what it was to feel extreme heartbreak and disappointment and from this I am a better person and now know what I want out of a relationship. I hope that he learned a lot of things as well that have helped him to become a better man. I hope that wherever he is and whatever he is doing that he is happy because I know that he would want the same for me.

Now lets see how I continue with this chapter of my life …

To whom it may concern...

Sorry for the lack of posts, the new semester hit me harder than I thought it would. So far it has been going smoothly and I am definitely practicing more, which is good. I still really like it and I hope that I stay as motivated as I am now, especially when I get into speed building. I have so much to update about it and will hopefully do so this weekend but I am just stopping by to quickly say that I am alive and have not abandoned this blog!

Easy semester? Well shit I spoke too soon.

I had such a relaxing week off. I got most of what I wanted accomplished, my room is nearly done and I am just waiting on my corner piece which has been backordered until early November. I decided to cap off the week by driving down to Lancaster, PA to visit Marathoner and her husband at their new house. I woke up really early and it took me about 2-2 1/2 hours to get there. Not bad, just a very boring drive to do alone. We had a lot of fun and it was great to see them and catch up. We went to the outlets and I kind of went crazy in Coach. Like $300 worth of crazy. I guess I could justify it with the fact that I got a lot of school and if I paid retail I would have spent over $700. I ended up FINALLY getting a brown bag that I loved and got a really good deal on it. After that debacle they took me out to dinner for my birthday which was great since we ended up missing each other's birthday celebrations because of life getting in the way. Instead of going out we ended up spending a quiet evening at their house playing guitar hero, rummy 500 and monopoly with Marathoner's mother and friend. It was a lot cheaper than going out drinking and definitely made it much easier to wake up Sunday morning. I guess I just really needed a nice, relaxing end to my mini vacation and that is exactly what I got. Also, I realized that playing guitar hero could help improve my finger dexterity which would overall help me build speed so I guess I will be practicing more after all.

So the semester started again today. I seriously could not believe that I was waking up for school again this morning especially with this shitty weather that we have been having. I was fine in my medical terminology class and can even be quoted saying that I felt that this was going to an easy semester. That all changed when I walked into my steno class. The way this class is set up is that for the first 10 lessons we have theory and then we start learning how to build speed. I like our teacher so far, today he actually introduced us to a new way of sitting which has improved my writing. Then came the fun part - the homework. Now don't get me wrong, last semester our teacher did assign us homework but nothing like this guy. Today was just the first day and already he has us doing two lessons, two times each. Unfortunately, I can't just wing it and do the homework between my breaks anymore, I actually have to practice. I knew this point would come sooner or later. Well, goodbye social life... It was fun while it lasted!

So far my predictions for the semester are - A) I go for a drive, park my car on the lower level of the Verrazano Bridge¹ and decide to take a swim or B) I will become completely dependent on Adderall causing me to have a Jessie Spano-like freak out at 4AM while practicing. Lets just hope that no innocent bystanders will be harmed during this term.



_{1. Ironically there is a sign that reads Life is worth living at the entrance of that bridge. Apparently that is THE bridge to jump off of if you live in Staten Island.}

With a new season comes new priorities.

Sorry I have not been posting as much, since the semester ended last Thursday and we have a week off from classes I decided to take off from work as well this week. I have been taking a lot of time to just relax and do the things that I will not have time to do once the next semester begins. Not gonna lie, it feels fucking AMAZING not to have any responsibilities. I guess this is why I loved living a lazy existence for so long. I have said it before and I will say it as many times as I deem necessary, I cannot believe that I am here and how proud I am of myself. I know its only one semester and I have to complete many others but given my history with school, having a successful semester is a huge deal for me. I am just kind of nervous about next semester and starting speed. Everyone says that building speed is one of the most frustrating things you will ever do so needless to say, I am freaked out. Ugh anyway enough about this court reporting shit on my week off.

This week I have been semi-productive. My aunt and I finally finishing decorating most of my bedroom, a project that has been in the making for three years now. I say almost because I have this corner tower thingamabob coming in the mail. Once that arrives my room will be complete and I will take some pictures. I am truly happy with the outcome of it so far and since it is such a change (we all know how I love change) it will just get some getting used to. One of my goals for this break is to flip my closet from summer clothes to fall clothes. I am convinced that I am starting to develop OCD because I have recently become obsessed with organizing and cleaning up things. To the point that I cannot rest without things in the room being fixed. I am sure my co-workers love this because not one person who I close with has had to clean for the past few weeks. The only thing else I could think of is nesting but since its been a one-way street down there for a few, I highly doubt it. Anyway, tomorrow my mother is taking off of work (solely to annoy me) I am taking advantage of it and recruiting mommy for a little shopping spree. I am paying of course but sometimes she will throw a shirt or two my way, just for shits. I figure once I buy all of my fall/winter clothes THEN i could convert my closet/drawers. I guess this is what you think and write about when you have no life. My school and work life have teamed up and turned my social life to shit. I guess its for the better though since I am starting to save money. Another thing I have been doing this break is going exploring with Dora! On Monday we went to a few more historical places on Staten Island and I took many pictures. (Whaddup Flickr) We also just talked about everything going on in life and it was just nice to have that kind of a day with her.

I have also done a lot of thinking this week. I have probably said this before but right now, I actually do not want a relationship. I am usually that girl who always needs to have a constant guy in her life but I don't know, I guess I just grew up? I just have a lot going on and unfortunately school is just going to become more and more demanding so this is something that I know I cannot handle right now. Since I have not had a guy in my life, it has just been so much less stressful and it has caused me to realize that it is just not worth it. Of course I have my um needs and all but that goes back to my learning how to separate sex from emotions. I guess that is one thing in life that I cannot plan (but we all know that I will try) so I guess this is a way that I could learn how to just go with the flow and let things happen. I just do not feel like dealing with the stress of if a guy likes me or if he is going to call/text me, I am on such a straight track with school right now that I do not need anything to deflect me. I guess I really am growing up...

So today was the first day of fall!! I celebrated by getting a dark color on my nails and toenails and by polluting the air in my house with apple cinnamon candles. The leaves are already starting to turn and hopefully soon enough the air will become cool and crisp! I am definitely looking forward to having a great fall and I hope everyone has one as well!

Nobody likes you when you're 23

Don't worry - I have not abandoned this blog! I am actually in the process of writing a post and so far it has been taking my four days to complete. Neurosis/procrastination at its finest!

So today I am 23... That's kind of a scary thing. I mean, I'm not dreading it like I was my 22nd birthday but it just feels weird to me. I would kill to go back to 5 years ago this time. I was going to meet this guy that I met off of facebook (FB was ONLY for college kids back then, so it was legit lol) who lived in Long Island. I was driving there with two of my friends that I had met during freshman orientation and even though we did not get to hang out with my guy, we had a blast just having dinner in this random diner in Syosset, Long Island. Lesson learned, of course but still a fun night. I also remember that recruitment had just ended and that next morning I had a missed call from my would-be pledge mistress, telling me that she was giving me a bid to join the sorority. Things are done a lot differently now-a-days but I remember that seriously made my birthday. So much has changed in my life since then. For one, I was only on TAKE ONE of college and had yet to assfuck my life. Second, I had yet to fall in love. I did not meet Tight Wad until a couple of months later and although looking back that relationship was anything but ideal, I am still forever grateful for what I learned during it. I guess everything happens for a reason...

Cutting this short because its my birthday and I need my beauty rest!

How many boxes of Kotex does one really need?

My mother and I are two completely different people. One of the major differences is with cleanliness/organization. It must be the Virgo in me because when I get the free time (which I have some more of now), I am a freak with organizing things. My mother on the other hand, is not. I don't know if I would classify her as a hoarder but she is not too good about throwing things out. Case and point, the upstairs (full) bathroom. Tuesday night I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to go to bed early (like 11:00) when I noticed how packed the bathroom cabinet was. Upon further investigation I realized that the majority of items crammed in there were about to celebrate their 3rd birthday. A half hour and a bag filled with expired products later, I was finally ready for bed. The amount of useless junk in the cabinets did not even COMPARE to what was actually under the sink. There was a mountain-sized pile under there just waiting to either capsize or have someone rescue it. Since I was off from work on Wednesday I decided that I would tackle that pile after school. So I put on some Eminem (best music to clean to), brought over the arsenal of cleaning products that I keep in my room, sat Indian-style on the bathroom floor and went to work. I threw out almost everything that was under there. Who knew that common items such as hydrogen peroxide and static guard have expiration dates? While I was cleaning things out, I found some mold. I had to send pics to Dora to clarify that it was in fact mold and not... presents from a little visitor. I seriously would not have recovered from that or finding the dead (or... alive) culprit in the back of all of this stuff. I guess this explains why I have this hacking cough in the bathroom and only the bathroom. Then I decided to tackle one of the drawers in the bottom of the counter. I could not believe all of the crap that I found down there! I swear we must own stock in Kotex or something. So I went on a throwing out rampage of all of the feminine products as well. As being the sole menstruating being in this household (the dog was sewn up), I feel that I have the authority to pick and choose which products I will use and will not. This is around the time that my mother came home from work. The conversation then proceeded to go a little like this:

Ice Crotch: "Um... why are you throwing out these perfectly good tampons?!"
Nikki: "I think I have the right to decide what I do and do not stick up my vagina"

Seriously, its not like I was throwing out anything that she might use one day. One does not need four different kinds of pads and three different types of tampons. Its not like I have the flood gates going, it comes every month for like 3-5 days. One box of each is sufficient. Don't even get me started on the twelve different kinds of floss that are in the toothpaste drawer. I guess I will get to that another day.

I have to go to work so this will be cut short but let this be a lesson to everyone - EVERYTHING expires eventually and even so often you should clean the bottom of your bathroom sink because it WILL get moldy.

fuck you, fuck you very very much

So last night Dora and I had some much-needed alone time and where else to spend it but Chevy's. As of Friday Dora became FUNemployed so we had to go out and celebrate how much life is shitting on her at the moment. We ended up requesting our new favorite waiter Angel. He remembered us and we really had great conversation with him and OMG he is just fucking fabulous. I die. Dora and I were telling him about when we worked in a restaurant in high school (this is how we met) which turned into the three of us exchanging crazy stories. Apparently Angel, who is not one for hiding his sexuality (not that he should have to) and has actually faced discrimination for it at work. I could not believe that he has actually had tables call him a "fucking faggot" and to his face, no less. I was happy to hear that he comes from a very open family who accepted him for who he is but I just wish that he could have that everywhere he goes. He is just there to make money, plain and simple and that is something that everyone needs to get by.

This almost reminds me of when I was in high school. I went to a catholic all-girls high school and girls were famous for being gay there, almost to the point of it being the cool thing to do. I remember speaking to a girl in my classes about my dreams for getting married and having this lavish wedding and she turned around and said that she had the same dream, only she was not able to see it come true, based on who she loves. That was kind of my wake-up call to realize how unfair it really was. I feel that I would be the same person, regardless if I was gay or straight. That means that I would still want my dream wedding and to think that I could be denied this and basically a right to my happiness is almost sickening. A few years ago for speech class I did a persuasive speech on the sanctity of marriage and basically in my research realized how that all is a bunch of bullshit. I mean hell, I know of a couple (straight) who was married in May and is already getting a divorce. It is almost like marriage is a joke to us and it is kind of like a slap in the face to same sex couples because we are abusing something that they are not allowed to do. Marriage should not be just between a man and a woman but between two people who love each other. I guess I am speaking to the choir here. Its funny because I consider myself to be a person with conservative views as far as politics are concerned but this is just something that I feel is not right. Like who the hell am I to judge if someone can marry their true love or not. Another reason why this is on my mind is because of LZ. I'm not even going to say who she is to me in my life because God forbid someone finds this post but she is in love with another girl. I doubt she is a lesbian because as long as I've known her she has been attracted to men and she still is but she just happened to fall in love with a girl. The very sad part is that very few people know about this. It just makes me think back to my first love, everyone in this world knew about Tight Wad and how excited/happy I was. LZ feels the exact same way only she cannot share it with the people she is closest to, her family. She comes from an extremely conservative family (her and her siblings have not had a sip of alcohol until their 21st birthdays) and she fears that once they find out about her relationship (its been almost 5 months) they will kick her out of her house. Its strange because while I am so happy for them (they are ADORABLE together) I just feel so sad for them all at the same time.

After Dora and I left Chevy's the financial situation left us listening to Lily Allen in the car for a while. I am her new biggest fan, her songs are absolutely amazing! One of them in particular just summed up the conversation for the evening and ended up being the title of this post. This is just the way that I see things, I am a very conservative person, especially with topics such as welfare and immigration but others I feel that as long as you are not hurting others/the economy, which in turn hurts others - then you should be free to live your life as you please. The only thing that offends me about Angel is that he has better eyebrows than I do. But his are drawn on, so he's a little cheater at that one. I'm gonna get all Dr. Martin Luther King on ya'll but I sincerely hope that the world that my children live in is better than the one we are in now.

Just a moment, while we return to your regularly scheduled programming...

So I made a post but then I TOOK IT BACK because well, I felt that it sucked. So while I hang out with my best friend/re-write the post please head over to Meg's all new Labor Day version of MIngle Monday. While you're there getting new followers/readers, check her out because she's pretty awesome!

HAPPY SEPTEMBER!

So instead of practicing for the final that I have in approximately THREE hours, I am making a quick, little post. Clearly I have my priorities straight.

Basically I am surrounded by a whirlwind of change right now. For once, I changed my blog's layout/NAME/theme etc so, um... CHECK IT OUT if you have not done so already! One of my closest friends, Marathoner is moving to Lancaster PA in a little less than two weeks. I am basically done with this semester and am moving on to my Advanced Theory class and am kind of terrified about starting speed (I have to ultimately write at 50 words/minute to pass the class). I just cannot believe how quickly this semester went by. More so, I cannot believe that a mere six months ago,I would not have even THOUGHT of doing this or being where I am today. To top this all off, I just started weight watchers today (again) so my eating habits are changing and hopefully I will learn to exercise more.

My favorite change of them all? FALL! I absolutely love fall and the month of September (birthday month!) and cannot be more happy right now. I love when the air gets crisp and you need to start wearing cardigans and light sweaters. I love wearing uggs and being able to paint my nails those dark/almost black colors. I love love LOVE pumpkin spice lattes and sipping them outside on a cool morning. I love the beautiful leaves and just the smell of fall in general. I actually want to take the times to do things this fall, like pumpkin and apple picking. If my sorority does so this year, I will definitely go with them to the Breast Cancer walk/Fright Fest (a yearly tradition). I need to learn how to let go and loosen up a little more, I might start to enjoy life more if I do so. I never used to look forward to fall like this, it always meant back to school so it sucked but now I love it!

I cannot wait for my birthday this year which is a HUGE switch from last year. Last year I basically was unhappy where I was in life. I had a very low paying job where I had NO hours, I was in St. John's still and had basically no credits under my belt and no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was coming off from Minute Man JUST ending things and overall was just in a bad place. Turning 22 did not seem like it was going to be such a great year of change. Boy, was I wrong! It took a few months but I finally got the hang of life. I guess it really does not matter how long you take to get there, just as long as you do.

Whaddup New Layout!

So along with changing the name/theme of this blog I have changed my layout as well. Some may have seen the adorable one that I was using yesterday but I had mucho trouble editing it so this will have to do. I will get around to maybe making a header eventually.

I have a final in 15 minutes so I am cutting this short. I also have finals the rest of this week (plus work) so I most likely will not be posting. Bring on the pumpkin spice lattes with multiple espresso shots&pulling 1/2 nighters. I cannot BELIEVE that this semester is over already!

GTKY Sunday because flickr is taking a year and a day

Out of sheer boredom I decided to par-take in another Getting to Know You Sunday. That and Flickr is taking a year to upload all of my pictures. Without further ado, here are my answers!



1. If you accidently knick a car in a parking lot..Do you leave a note or do you get the heck out of there?
Depends on how bad it is. If I just hit the car while getting in/out of mine, I just walk away and justify it as they had it coming for parking so close to the line.

2. Love your body or plastic surgery?
Plastic surgery, no questions asked. Yes, I am a vain bitch.

3. What about your favorite blog(s) continues to drive you back?
Definitely the content and the blogger's ability to tell a story.

4. What percent of your blog is BS just to make your life seem more interesting than it really is?
5% BS and 95% real. This is probably the main reason for my disappearing followers/low readership. I need to either find a more interesting life or learn how to make up better stories.

5. If you had to give up one type of meat for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Pork. I just don't like the consistency of it.

6. How often to you eat out?
Too often. It is where all of my money goes.

7. Skinny jeans or boot cut jeans?
Boot cut. I am far too fat for skinny jeans.

8. If you caught your spouse cheating would you forgive, divorce, or plan your kill?
ONE OF MY GREATEST FEARS IN LIFE. I am hoping that I would access the situation first before doing something. However, this would probably destroy the trust and without trust you cannot have a happy marriage so there is no "stay together for the kids" situation. I would rather my children growing up in a split family than seeing an unhappy marriage.

A permanent change...

So I'm not sure if you've noticed but I totally re-named this blog, again. I think this one is a keeper though. However, since changing it I have lost two followers so either a) they did not recognize the name/blog and got rid of it or b) my writing it shit and sucks and I suck. Unfortunately, it is probably the latter. When I have the free time I will definitely try to make a new header/fix my layout so that everything matches.

I went on a ginormous shopping spree at Lane Bryant and for the most part I am pretty set as far as fall clothes are concerned. I also decided to "Fall clean" (thanks to my blogger crush for that term) my room and got about as far as my closet. I cleaned out all of the shelves that are in my closet and dumped everything out onto my bed. It look horrifying and the mound was as tall as me. So then I went to Bed Bath and Friggin Beyond and purchased a shitload of organization canvas baskets. I threw out so much stuff, things that I forgot that I even owned. I've always been good about throwing things out though, I am sentimental yet practical. And just too much of a neat freak for my own good. After dirt-deviling my shelves (a necessary thing) I sorted everything into bins by categories and 5 hours, 10 bins and 2 HUGE garbage bags later, I was done. I have never felt so accomplished in my life. Next up? My drawers. My drawers are a disaster area and I have so much wasted space. I probably would be able to fit all of clothes in my room if I just organized my drawers. I guess I will leave that and finally finishing my bedroom (decorating) for the full week that I am off. I took off of work that week too because well fuck, I earned it! I am so damn proud of myself after this semester and the fact that I managed to do well at my job at the same time (something I have never done) that I might as well have a party.

Speaking of parties... I have decided what I am going to do for my 23rd birthday - go to Jose Tejas! For those unfortunate enough not to know what that is, it is basically a Tex-Mex restaurant that is not only cheap but the food is amazing! I had a really hard time with the facebook invite for this lol. I did not want to cause drama by leaving people out but lets just say that I hope that not everyone shows up.

I've decided that September 1st will bring forth many permanent changes in my life. I will not smoke anymore. Its mainly just a stress thing but its really not healthy for me and plus its disgusting. I will also try to exercise and definitely monitor/control my eating. Of course September 17 will be the exception but I just really want to change my life. Succeeding in work and school really gave me the feeling that I truly can do anything if I put my mind to it. Lets just hope that I can maintain this burst of energy/motivation that I seem to have. If anything, I always have this blog to help me with it.

Santa rides a bike and Elvis has clearly never left this building

Well last week was filled with more drama than I would ever like to be present. On Friday, an alumni member on my tree had a BBQ and invited a whole bunch of active girls, including their absentee president. I saw a lot of girls that I have not seen all summer and at one point I actually felt like I was Don Corleone on the day of my daughter's wedding because I kept having private (drama filled) conversations with girls off to the side. First up, my twin! I have not seen/spoken to her since the beginning of the summer so it was just really good to catch up with her. She is someone that I feel that I could trust and I just loved catching up with her. Next was my little, unfortunately this conversation was not so successful. She just denied everything and made it seem like people were spreading all of these rumors about her. Now, I'm sure that some of what I heard was exaggerating but I cannot believe that everything was a lie. I'm just even more disappointed in her because she did not own up to ONE thing. I would have had a lot more respect for her if she did. I guess she truly is not who I thought she was. The next up, my poor little little! Basically she never felt that she had a big to begin with so she really does not know what to miss. I told her how I would always be there for her and she could come to me no matter what. Saturday was the meeting and not much happened there. Just the president giving a huge sob story about her life and promising to do better next term. They did make some changes though regarding the elections for next semester, which might change things for the better. Unfortunately, my little did not attend this meeting. Instead she felt it necessary to play jenga (or so I've been told) with a girl in another sorority. Now, the sorority has not had a meeting in months and you were under the impression that your president was either going to step down or be impeached, isn't this a meeting that you feel would be important to attend? Seriously, I do not get it...

So Saturday night after the meeting me, Z and B went into the city to celebrate B's 23rd birthday. We went to the Trailer Park Lounge in Chelsea and it was kind of hysterical. The place looks like a legit trailer park, complete with a mobile home right in the middle of the bar. We had a good time and drank terribly strong margaritas. Since we did not eat dinner, we decided to get something at the bar and the food was just as trash-tastic. I had (burnt) mac and cheese and tater tots and felt like a kid again. The decor was also amazing. It was as if they raided every garage sale on the east coast for the tackiest shit that they could find. My favorites included the random displaced Christmas decorations click and Santa ridin' dirty click. Also, there was Elvis memorabilia EVERYWHERE. Since Z needed to leave early I caught a ride home with her (I had work the next morning) and was in bed by 2 - no hangover for me at work!

I'm definitely glad that I got to spend a lot of time with my sorority sisters this week but next time I would like to do so, minus the drama. Tonight I am most likely closing and then going for coffee with my big and twin!

Z and I have decided that on September 1 (next week!) we are going to join Weight Watchers. I cannot tell you how many times I have joined but I seriously want to make a change in my life. Let's just hope I follow through with it this time ...