She ain't got a man, but she's not alone

I figured this title was fitting because all of my doodling in school has consisted of either this or "Me, Myself and I". I guess doodling is limited for us single gals?

School has been going really well and I've managed to stay on top of all my assignments. This weekend is my half-sister's suprise 50th birthday party so I have to drive out to the Poconos early Sunday morning and as a result will not be going out Saturday night. Or if I do, it will be very lowkey. I will take that opportunity to do all the work I have due for next week and to get a nice, good night sleep. I have not seen them since the summer and things were a lot different then (mainly because Minute Man was in my life and it really seemed to be going somewhere) so I hope that we don't really focus on "catching up".

In that news, I still have not spoken to him and its been like a month. If he's not going to make any effort to be friends with me then I will not make any effort as well. I heard he is finally closing on his house on Monday so good luck to him if he is.

In much, much better news - I GOT A CALL BACK FROM THE BANK!! I interviewed today and I believe it went really well. Only problem might be my availablity (my class hours and the banks hours have left me available only 4 hours on two days) but the guy who interviewed me was in contact with the branch manager and will let me know by Monday if he needs me in his schedule! I'm so excited yet so, so nervous. I have never needed/wanted a job this badly before! I'm serious when I say my life will improve ten-fold. AH, well enough about that because I seriously do not want to jinx this. I have been looking in the paper everyday and it seems like the available jobs I qualify for are getting less and less each day so that's rather depressing.

I've decided to start doing weight watchers core again. Its the only thing that has really worked for me in the past and I find it the easiest to stick to. If I get this job I am going to be extremely busy so I probably would not have time for much else.

Well - those are my updates as of recently! Nothing really exciting, mainly because I am broke and can't go anywhere but hopefully this will be changing very soon!

Don't you think I know exactly where I stand, this world is forcing me to hold your hand

Sorry I have not posted in almost a week, I just got really busy with school.

With school began unnecessary drama associated with my online Intro to Statistics course. I only took this course because I was desperate to finish my math requirement and there was no physical section offered on my campus for this semester. After three days of pulling my hair out I transferred out of that class and into a 7:30AM Business Writing course, which will complete my english requirements. So on Tuesday&Thursday I will be waking up between 5:15-5:30 and will be in class straight through from 7:30-12:30. Oh boy, this should be fun! One of my sorority sister's is in it so I guess that will be my sanity. I emailed the professor right after I registered for it (Friday morning) because I had missed the first class and she has yet to get back to me. What kind of professor does not check their school email account? I would be such a good professor lol, I always check my email and I always organize a good syllabus/course schedule. I have three hospitality courses this semester and I love them all - especially Event Management! I think I will have a lot of fun with it and the term project is planning an event. I love the professors I have for those courses too which is good since I will problem have them a few times over these next two years. Speaking of professors, my philosophy professor is amazing. On the first day of class he told the guys that if they were able to "go jerk off in the bathroom" then they could take notes for his class. I think this one will be interesting.

I beyond fell off the bandwagon with eating right. Between having no time to think with school and my mom, not being a mommy and going grocery shopping (or going but not getting things I want/need and bringing home an Entenman's cake) I have not had much to eat and go out to eat for the convienence. This is going to require a lot of hardwork and dedication on my end and I really need to work on it. Between this, school and hopefully work I seriously won't have much time to do other things in life but that's good because I want to keep busy. I also want to work on my insecurity issues too because no 22 year old should be insecure, especially if it affects their life.

I have to cut this one short as well because I have a sorority meeting at 8. No longer manadatory for me but I just like to go and see what's going on. I will definitely try to make another post this week and actually go in depth into what I have to say.

a basket case in the city...

After much needed conversing with Dora the Exploror (who rightfully earned her PhD in psychology tonight) I have come to the conclusion that I am, a basket case. Also that I think WAY too much about things that no longer have a baring on my life. I think the main problem is that I am just bored with it all, which goes back to the point that I am unemployed and really do not have the means to have that much of a life. Hopefully this is going to change very soon. Also, I hope that once school starts I am able to stop focusing on this shit (because really that's all it is, shit) and focus on my classes. I can't believe in 34 hours I will be in Philosophy class. That thought is just truly depressing.

I did A LOT today. My bedroom is immaculate and I played Clean House in my room, organizing everything. Between this, 4 loads of laundry and really trying to sort my brain out I am both physically and mentally exhausted so I'm going to just call it a night. I will definitely go into this more with tomorrow's post.

So where do you work? At a funeral home

Now no offense to anyone who works at a funeral home, it just sounds kind of morbid. I was reading the classified ads today and the only one that interested me in terms of the hours and experience level was a receptionist for a funeral home. Its PT, Mon and Fri 5-10PM and Sunday 5-9PM. Only 14 hours but still those 14 hours work well into my school schedule. I went to Staples and faxed over my resume asap. I did a little stalker work with the help of my BFF google and found out that the funeral home is down the block from my house. Can we say perfect? Fingers crossed that I get this job! Its really needed :(

In other news today makes it one year since we've had Tammy!! She has come a very long way since we adopted her. We trained her to go potty outside, to SIT for a treat and she is much more relaxed around people then she used to be. She is still a nervous nelly but it is getting a lot better. As a special little treat we got her these dog cookies from a bakery so she could "celebrate".

OMG do I really go back to school this week? I'm truly going to take advantage of these next two days. Tomorrow I am going to clean my room, do my laundry and get some sushi with a girl who is planning to rush my sorority this semester. Hopefully I'll do something tomorrow night since it is my last night of freedom. Tuesday I'm going to get my car washed (weather permitted), new tires and windshield wipers and probably cook for the week. It is also one of my sorority sister's 21st birthday so I'm going to stop by Rhythem and Brews for a little and celebrate with her. Then Wednesday is the first day of classes :( Unfortunately Ice Crotch is going to be home all this week and already she is starting to annoy me... Great, can't wait!

Here are some pictures of my baby girl -


Me Giving her a cookie


I guess they taste pretty good!

Just another Beth Mackenzie...

The title of this post is from a song, kudos to anyone who knows the name of it.

As I am spending quite the lonely Saturday in I got to thinking... I care way too much about what people think of me. I don't know why I do this nor can I help it but its really annoying. I wish I could just do things and maybe truly be myself without worrying if someone will disprove of it and not accept it. I wish I had a FUCK IT attitude but unfortunately I don't. I'm weird though, like I care what people think but you almost would not know that upon meeting me. I am quite the outgoing person and I can make friends in any social situation but its when you want to get to know me, that I get scared. I know that true friendships and true love are only possible when someone knows the real you so why am I afraid of this. I'm not overly obnoxious but I'm not one of those "universally liked" people, you know that person who everyone loves and always wants to be around. I guess because I'm not like that, I'm scared. How do people get to be like that, so loved? Am I not nice enough, smart enough or pretty enough for that? Maybe this is actually a weight issue that I am in denial of? I hope to hell its not that. This past year I overcame a lot of issues that I used to have about my weight. In the summer I wore sleeveless shirts and went to the beach in the first time in years because I realized that it is what it is. Obviously people know I am not a small girl so what my arms look like and how I look in a bathing suit is really nothing different/fascinating to them. See, baby steps! That is sort of progress towards not caring what others think, right?

Things with Minute Man started off great, I was able to show my personality and be my true retarded self around him. Then something I did annoyed him (I tease - that's my way of flirting and I teased him about him not bowling so well in his league one week and that was too much for his liking) and it made me hold back a lot of my personality and become very insecure. Also, I talk a lot.. Anyone who knows me knows this and since he already had gotten on me about things like the teasing I took it to heart when he would make comments on my talking. I know that he is only one guy and that I have had others in the past who were interested in me and loved my personality but I still managed to let it effect me and I think that's the reason why I'm upset about the situation, because my personality ruined it. (well not all of it, he had a major role in why we didn't work but I'm sure it had some effect)

There are certain inalienable truths in life, one is that people are going to judge you. I am an extremely judgemental person and I know that people judge me in return, but why do I care then? Everyone judges others but why do I care what people think? Speaking of judging last night I went out with Marathoner and Dora the Explorer. The three of us split three pitchers of sangria and sat at a table for 3-4 hours people watching. There were a lot of interesting characters in that bar and some amazing sangria. However, Burrito Bar is definitely not the place to meet any guys, that is for damn sure.

How lovely! Almost an entire post dedicated to my insecurities. Hopefully one day I will learn to move on from them. Until then, Beth Mackenzie is still looking for her Seth Shapiro...

Don't be a little bitch with your chit-chat, just show me where your dicks at

So today was another lazy day. Whoops, I fail at life. I started to get into the habit of watching the back to back episodes of cold case which is good because I will be home from school by the time they are on anyway. I'm going to miss being lazy but I definitely need something to do with my life and to keep myself busy. I still think about Minute Man every now and then, wondering if I will ever hear from him again. I definitely will not count on it but if its meant to be, he'll miss me. I think that I think so much because I truly do not have anything else to do. I have yet another flat tire, wonderful. My car is really starting to die now so hopefully I will have my mom's car sooner than later. I know she is letting me take it up to the Poconos at the end of the month so at least I won't have to worry about getting stuck down there.

So tonight should be fun! I'm going to Burrito Bar with Marathoner and Dora the Explorer. We just ate some yummy L&B and now I have to get ready. Have a good night everyone!

Future Betty motherfuckin' Crocker?

So the last few days I have been doing a lot of cooking and baking and I never realized how much I really enjoy doing so. I'm starting to build my recipe book, taking recipes from family members and other websites so that I could learn how to cook really well. Who knows, maybe this could be something. Instead of concentrating in the events aspect of the hospitality industry maybe I am meant to be in culinary? OR I could do catering which is a combination of both. I have a few things that I would like to do with event management, one would be to either intern or get a job as an event planner for the Waldorf Astoria. I was fortunate enough to receive a free ticket to the President's Dinner at school and it was held there (ticket was worth $750) and going there was just AMAZING!! I took so many pictures and was just truly in awe, it was an amazing night and I will never forget it. That is sort of my dream job but what I have that is more of a realistic goal is to work for a catering company and one day to own my own. It is either this route or corporate events, I like both of them so whatever the outcome I will be happy.

I somehow managed to mess up my sleeping schedule again and class starts on Wednesday so I must fix it. I also have a lot to do tomorrow (food shopping, clean my room, laundry, eyebrows and get a mani) so I have to be up early.

Also - check out my recipe blog here because I have been updating it left and right with things I have been making lately. Enjoy!

G.T.L. baby. Gym, Tanning, Laundry.

Today was the first lazy day I have had since the new year. Even though I had gone to bed early and woke up by 8 I decided to just lay in bed for 6 more hours and do absolutely nothing. Yes, this day was a complete waste but I feel that I needed it since I will be going back to school in less than a week. I managed to cook though, dinner for myself and then bake red velvet cupcakes for myself and Marathoner since she stopped by to "catch up". For the recipes for the cupcakes and everything else I made today check out my cooking blog here.

One MAJOR downside to my lazy day is that it is now 4AM and I have to be up and take my car to my uncle (he's a mechanic) for an oil change by 9. Then I am having breakfast with one of my sorority sisters and then getting my eyebrows done. Since Dora the Explorer and I really need to save money I will be serving a three course (guilt-free) meal for us! Same as going out to dinner, just a fraction of the calories and um... FREE!

So here we are, January 14... Just a month away from good old Valentine's Day. I don't care if it is a played-out, commerical "holiday" - I am a true little romantic and absolutely love this day. I just hate not having a valentine and seeing everyone else so happy. Maybe this will change? I mean hey, my cousin did not know she would have a valentine last year until she met her now-boyfriend less than two weeks before. I guess we will just have to see what happens and if not, Tammy will be my valentine again this year! Last year I even took her to the groomers to have her nails painted pink so she looked the part. Its amazing how this poor dog has not run away from me yet!

The Knot List

I started this list over a year ago after my breakup as a way to become excited about being newly single. I always meant to post it on LJ but I had forgotten all about it, until today when I found it while cleaning my desk.

The KNOT List: Things to do before I tie the knot

1) Graduate from college and get my masters degree.
2) Lose all of the weight that I need to/want to
3) Get all of the plastic surgery I need to have after I use the weight. (boob job included)
4) Pay off all of my credit card debt (only about $1500) and most (if not all) of my student loans (will be close to $100,000)
5) Be established in my career and love to go to work everyday
6) Lease a brand new car and get over my fear of driving
7) Travel EVERYWHERE
8) Go on a cruise
9) Go to Vegas
10) Go to NOLA for Mardi Gras
11) Celebrate my birthday as lavishly as I can
12) Move out and live on my own
13) Casually date at least two men simultaneously.
14) Run the NYC marathon
15) Date a man with a shitload of money and allow him to spoil me
16) Go to LA and stalk celebrities
17) Buy myself a very expensive piece of jewerly/pair of shoes
18) Have at least one photo album for every month of my life.
19) Become completely self-sufficent
20) Figure out how to disconnect sex from emotions
21) Learn Italian
22) Take a cooking class
23) Learn how to sew
24) Make a scrapbook for each major stage in my life (eg - HS, sorority years)
25) NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN BUTTERFLIES

Eyeliner and cigarettes

One thing you'll start to notice is that a majority of my blog titles will be Lady Gaga-related. I am obsessed with Lady Gaga, she is the next Madonna. She will creep you out but she could do no wrong. I think people are frightened by her because there are not many TRUE artists out there, like her. Just my personal opinion...

Dora the Explorer and I went shopping and then to dinner and we had quite the interesting conversation. Dora and I are opposites in many ways, especially when it comes to sex and matters of the heart. You see, Dora has the ability to "have sex like a man" and seperate all feelings and emotional attachment from it. I, on the other hand, do not. I am still building my list of things to accomplish and this is one of them. One thing I am scared of is just doing this but then becoming attached to a guy who wants nothing more than a casual thing. I am also afraid of it actually being good and me being SO excited about it that I post-coitally profess my love to him, scarring myself and chosen partner for life. Refer down a few posts to get what I mean by "actually being good". Its sad but my dog has probably have better sex than I have. I say this because before we adopted her she was a puppy mill dog used for breeding. I hope to make it my year for this and one of the things I am going to do (Dora suggested this) is to make a risk of rules and limitations for when I do have casual sex and I cannot bend these rules for ANY men, because well he does not matter. I feel bad, almost as if I will be using them but maybe this is just what I need. Maybe I'll learn valuable things about relationships, like when to walk away for example. That has always been a hard thing for me. I guess we shall just stay tuned and see what happens... BTW, still have not heard from Minute Man at all this year. Just saying.

I must say, Ice Crotch (my mom, don't ask.. she's had this nickname for like three years now) is really starting to get on my nerves. It is just the little things but still they are testing my patience, which there is not a lot of to begin with. For example I like to cook recipes off of hungry girl so we do food shopping according to these recipes. I like to have a few of them prepared in advance because they are very tedious. IC usually does this for me and I asked her on Saturday to prepare two for me this week. Do you think she did? No. When I go out to eat with friends she then complains that she has nothing to eat... um, cook for yourself? Thanks. She is completely able-bodied and capable of doing this on her own, yet she does not. She does work during the week but her work consists of sitting in her chair all day, on facebook playing farmville. That is another thing. Her computer died (um, its 8 years old so OF COURSE it died) so my laptop is the sole computer in the house. I actually have to ASK to use MY laptop which was supplied to me by school. Its really getting on my nerves lately especially since I'll close my laptop with things left up (such as my blog or photobucket) and when I come back she'll be using it. I don't want her to see these things and I just feel that it is a huge invasion of privacy. Ok, I'm done ranting, I'm sure people have it much worse off than I do.

School starts in a week from Wednesday and I am BEYOND terrified. I don't want to mess up this semester like I did last semester. Seeing those grades really did not make me feel good about myself. I just hope I really learned my lesson this time because I am paying $15,000 a semester and getting mediocre grades is just not acceptable.

Well I have to go tidy up my room a little since I have trouble falling asleep when it is messy. Goodnight!

What's my age again?

I was doing a lot of thinking yesterday about growing up and being considered an adult. My cousin (who will be 26 next month) was moving out of my aunt's house and it just dawned on me that he was no longer the 10 year old boy that my mother paid $2 a week to walk my dog every day after school. My other cousin (they're brother and sister) who is my age practically lives at her boyfriend's house so she has basically moved out as well. And there's me - still living in my mother's house, still an undergrad, and currently unemployed searching for part-time work. How did hell did that happen? You have no idea how I wish things were different. Life would have been so much easier if I just did everything how I was supposed to. I wish I would have just sucked it up with school, went to class and graduated on time. Seeing a few girls I graduated HS with last night really made me think about this as well. They all graduated last May and are working and living their 20's as they should be. I will be just four months shy of my 25th birthday when I finally graduate and that will just be with my BS degree, I still might have to get my masters as well! I feel as though I am destined not to succeed now that I wasted four years of my life not finishing school.

I really wish I would have had my wakeup call four years ago instead of now. I am 22 years old and I am living an 18 year old's life. I'm sure this was not the main reason it did not work out but I'm sure Minute Man (who's just a year older than me) had a hard time relating to me sometimes. I want to date men who are my age and older but this will be hard because we will be in two different worlds. Also, I'm sure it does not look attractive to meet a 22 year old college sophomore. I just want to be done with school already and live the life of a "normal" 20-something. I want to work like a dog during the week and start my insane weekend at 5:00 on Friday. I want to be able to save up so I could move out of my house and have deductions on my paycheck for things that I don't even know about. I just feel that by the time I graduate and am ready to start living this life most of my friends will be starting to settle down and get married. After all, 24-25 seems to be the common engagement/marriage age among all of my friends. I just hope its not too late for me...

Eight habits that wreck your relationship

So I was browsing along for some dating advice and I came across this article here and found it very interesting...

8 Habits That Wreck Your Relationship -

#1. Having an affair with his "potential":
Wanting your man to be the best version of himself is admirable, but approaching his looks and personality with "Extreme Makeover" ambition will do little more than erode his self-esteem and leave you both frustrated and resentful. "If you and your partner believe that love means acceptance, pushing him to change and criticizing him is going to send him the opposite message. What he hears is 'you aren't good enough,'" says Nina Atwood, M.Ed., L.P.C., author of "Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid."

How to rebuild: This is where the old 80-20 rule can be used to the benefit of both of you. Spend at least 80 percent of your time together letting your partner know all the things you adore and appreciate about him, so that when you mention something you don't like, it doesn't feel like another item on a long list of failures.

#2. Major mood swings:
We're living in some pretty anxiety-inducing times, and when life takes a stressful turn, it's not uncommon for couples to start taking out that stress on each other. While the occasional mood swing can -- and should -- be forgiven, being in a relationship with someone whose bad moods outnumber her good ones can make a man run for cover. Wouldn't you do the same?

How to rebuild: The next time you catch yourself taking a downturn, take a moment to consider what kind of impact your moods are having on your man and the relationship. "If a woman is too moody, we start to walk on eggshells because we just don't want to deal with the drama," says Matt, 31, of San Diego.

#3. Gossip:
Talking to pals about your love life is a normal part of friendship, but if you're calling your BFF, your sister, and your mom every time your man pisses you off, you're not only going to wind up embarrassed when the storm passes, you'll also find yourself in a relationship with someone who feels violated and judged. "As a couple, private information should stay private or you risk damaging your reputation as a couple, which in turn may isolate you from others and sever your relationship," says Dan Schawbel, personal branding expert and author of "Me: 2.0." Remember that word of mouth is a powerful force, and it can hurt your reputation if your mate or others brand you as untrustworthy."

How to rebuild: The next time you log on to his computer and find an improper download, resist the urge to get on the phone and vent to your top five. Instead, sit down and talk things out with the one person who can help you work through it. If you're not sure how to approach him about a certain topic, sit down and write him a letter. (Helpful hint: Sit on it for 24 hours to make sure it says what you really want to say and isn't just filled with angry words and blame.)

#4. Melodrama:
If you're calling him in tears every time your coworker irritates you, deleting him from Facebook during every argument, and threatening to end the relationship over him leaving the toilet seat up (again!), he might start looking for a new leading lady. "Men have a tendency to really like low-maintenance girls when it comes to relationships," says Kristian, 35, of New York City. "We're pretty lazy in general, and it's exhausting when you need to work so hard to make someone happy and calm them down every day."

How to rebuild: Save the details of your office drama for brunch with the girls, and the next time you feel your inner Heidi Montag moving center stage, take a deep breath and rate the situation on a scale from 1 to 10. If it scores below a 5, let it go and save award-worthy performances for anything above a 9 (cheating, insulting your boss at your holiday party, etc.).

#5. "Mom-ing" him:
Your man loves his mama and he loves you, but when you're the one telling him to stop playing Guitar Hero, scoffing at his lack of manners, or informing him he can't go out with his pals because he has a "big day tomorrow," it's anything but appealing. He'll not only resent that you're trying to control him, but he'll also likely do what all children do when they're being reprimanded -- rebel. "Scolding your mate creates an unhealthy dynamic of parent-child relationship, which automatically puts your partner into a child role and you into the role of mom," says Jeannine Estes, M.A, a marriage and family therapist and author of "Relationships in the Raw." "Children often do the opposite when they feel as if they don't have a choice, and this is similar for couples."

How to rebuild: "Instead of scolding or telling him what to do or not do, try to ask for your needs in a clear and respectful way and avoid using the 'mother' tone," says Estes. "Share with your partner the importance of your needs rather than demanding or scoffing at what he has or hasn't done right. Also, scolding him like you are his mother can put you in a parent role, carrying the relationship without any assistance or partnership."

#6. Too much together time:
Spending time with your guy is one of the best parts of being in a relationship, but there's a big difference between bonding and being joined at the hip. "Many men are attracted to secure, independent women," says Stacey Rosenfeld, Ph.D, a New York City psychologist. "Once in relationships, women may tend to become more dependent, to demand more time and attention of their partners. This can represent a problem, as often men need more space than women."

How to rebuild: Remind your guy of the independent and fabulous woman he was initially attracted to by indulging in your favorite pastimes and enjoying your friends without him every once in a while. By flashing your independence, you'll not only give him a chance to miss you but also have interesting things to share with him when you meet up.

#7. Jealousy:
He lets you know how much he loves you constantly, but that doesn't stop you from checking his phone when he's in the shower or sending every pretty girl he talks to eye-daggers. Although a tiny bit of jealousy in a relationship is normal, accusing your man of cheating and questioning his whereabouts every time he walks in will have him feeling controlled, manipulated, and insulted. "Jealousy in a relationship, or even personally, is the spiritual equivalent of dumping hydrochloric acid on the person," says 33-year-old Marc from Los Angeles. "Just sit back and prepare for the disintegration."

How to rebuild: Unless your man has said or done things to make you suspicious, your jealousy is more about your relationship with yourself than you two as a couple. Back away from his computer and check out your own history. Were you betrayed in the past? Did you grow up in a household where the fidelity vows were broken? There might be ways in which you are allowing unresolved issues from your past to dictate your present behavior. If you don't feel you can overcome the green monster on your own, don't be afraid to reach out to a qualified counselor who can help you identify the sources of your insecurity and work through them.

#8. Getting too comfortable:
In the beginning of a relationship, both parties make sure to look and act their best, but as time moves on, the sweatpants come out and routine takes over. "People tend to get lazy in their relationships, and while it's good to be comfortable, no one wants to be boring or to be bored," says Lissa Coffey, author of "What's Your Dosha, Baby? Discover the Vedic Way for Compatibility in Life and Love."

How to rebuild: Men love to be seduced and romanced as much as we do, and part of what makes the courtship phase of relationships so fun is the experience of uncovering the mystery of another and trying new things together. "When a woman stops making an effort to look nice for her man and expects him to take care of all the stuff in the romance department, a man begins to feel taken for granted and thinks that she doesn't care about impressing him anymore," says Brian, 30, of New York City. Show your guy he's still worth the effort by surprising him with a break from the ratty T-shirt you wear to bed, a sweet note, or planning a special night out for him "just because." He'll not only appreciate it, he'll also reciprocate -- and that's a give and take to get excited about.

Now I know that I am definitely guilty of #1, 2, 3 and 4. However I think #8 is actually something that most men do as opposed to women... at least in my experience. Which ones are you all guilty of?

Well, I'm off to the bar with some friends but I just wanted to share that with you all!

Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick

So I downloaded the free trial of Paint Shop Pro Photo X2 because I have a ton of free time on my hands and also if I am going to commit to this blog, I am probably going to want to make graphics. I made a header for this blog but I am not totally in love with it, yet. What do you all think? Also, its relatively cheap so if I do fall in love with it I just might buy it. Back when I used GreatestJournal and LiveJournal I owned PSP8 and loved it but somehow lost the disc (and no, I was not paying another $100 to replace it!) So let's hope this one works out well!

In other news today was the most un-productive day that I have had all year. Which explains why I am up at this hour because I napped a lot today. Fun!

Anyway the real meaning of this post. I got to thinking about sex today and how I have never had amazing sex. I am so jealous when I hear my friends talking about the amazing sex they had last night because I have never experienced it. I have only slept with two guys so far and both were disappointing for their own reasons. Tight Wad (my ex who is as cheap as fuck) and I lost our virginity to each other so that really explains why it wasn't too good. I mean he was able to last really long but the sex was just boring and not really good. Although I really cannot blame him because we were together for a few years and had only had sex with each other. He definitely has the potential to get much better with experience. Now, Minute Man on the other hand has this nickname for a reason. What sucks about this is the sex was actually pretty good, for the whole 30 seconds that he lasted. Such a disappointment because the sex would have probably have been amazing. Ugh, I mean I have only been with 2 men so far so I really should not give up hope. I always told myself that I would not sleep with a guy I was not in a relationship with or dating but I did broke both of those rules with Minute Man so maybe this is the year I will learn how to seperate sex from feelings? I certainly do not want a boyfriend anytime soon but I don't wanna go like a year without sex so something has to give. Of course I will be smart and use protection but I need to not see sex as my way of opening up and letting all of my guards down with a man. I truly envy those women that could do this, society might call them sluts but I prefer to call them my heroes.

This post was short and sweet, goodnight!

Is two REALLY better than one?

I ended up staying in tonight so I got to thinking about relationships and if at this point in my life it is really worth to have one. I was in a three year relationship that lasted from when I was 18-21 so I was kind of new on the dating scene this year. I had gone on a few days/talked to a few guys who I just really did not click with. I live for that first part when you meet a guy and you're really excited about it. I was able to experience that this summer for a little and loved it but then the bad part came. I forgot what it was like to actually have feelings for someone and not be too sure if they were reciprocated. Obviously I am single now so that situation ended badly but it just made me realize that I still have a lot to learn. I seriously do not know when to walk away. I have a habit of giving people (especially guys) the benefit of the doubt and hoping that if I just give it a little more time, things will change or go back to the way they were. I get myself all amped up to walk away but then I sit back and think for a second and wonder if I am jumping the gun. This leads to me losing my dignity and upper hand in the situation. I should have walked away from the situation with Minute Man over the summer back in like August when I first noticed that things were changing but I stayed with it, hoping that he was just busy or something and would start to act like he used to. Obviously, this never happened. Same thing with Tight Wad, he did the most fucked up thing that anyone has ever done to me yet I stayed around a little longer because at the time I thought I still loved him. I need to someone learn when to just call it quits before I try to find love again. I just want this to be all about me for now. I'm not saying if the opportunity for something came up I would turn away from it, I'm just definitely not looking for it. Like the Open Hearts Collection from Kay Jewelers says - "If your heart is open, love will always find its way in".

I'm thinking about making another blog but having it be for specific recipes. Tonight I made two hungry girl recipes tonight and they came out absolutely AMAZING and were guilt-free! I suggest subscribing to her website, especially if you love food but want to get healthier.

Sorry no picturs, there goes that resolution I guess lol. At least I am keeping up with my "album a month" deal.

You could tell by my attitude that I'm most definitely from New York

poHov - I love you and all but I am sick of this song! Don't get me wrong, I loved it when it first came out and blasted it like the proud New Yorker that I am. I just got really sick of it, especially after we won the World Series.

So I told my marathoner best friend that I was planning to run the 2012 NYC Marathon with her. She didn't really take me seriously. I mean I cannot blame her, she's seen me like this before - all gongho over something to just lose all motivation in a week or two. Also I think she felt that I was underestimating how hard it really is to run one, which I am not. That's why I am giving myself nearly three years to accomplish this. I feel that I might be able to do this, especially if I use running as a way to lose weight. Marathoner offered many tips and to help me train and even to just learn how to run but she was still slightly skeptical. Cannot say I blame her.

So I hung out with one of my other best friends who from here on shall be referred to as Dora the Explorer since tha main thing we do together is explore Staten Island. Dora had some fabulous news - she was offered for the job she went for! So I rubbed her forehead for some good luck that I am offered the job that I went. I cannot even tell you what this job will do for me - it will seriously make my year! I must say, 2010 so far has not been a bad year. However, we are only 5 days in. I have managed to not speak with Summer Fling since the New Year which is great. Honestly, if its meant to be then he'll miss me and contact me. If not, then I know. Life is just way to short to deal with any man's bullshit.

I was watching the BL season premiere tonight. In July I went to the open casting call in the city for shits and giggles. You are not interviewed alone, they put you at a table and see how you interact with the group. I was over powered by two very loud, obnoxious women from Long Island. While this was going on past contestants were walking around observing us. When I went to leave I was stopped by two of them who told me that their job there was to see who stood out to them and I stood out to both of them! They said that I definitely had the look that the show was going for and should submit a tape because I really didn't stand out during the interview. (well duh, I was being over powered by two blonde wooly mammoths) So needless to say, I was estatic! However, the dates of the filming clashed with Marathoner's wedding so I did not send one in figuring it was not meant to be. I think just knowing that I could have made it meant the world to me. Even Minute Man was proud of me and I was debating on whether or not to tell him about it. This is the season that I would have been on and when I saw them weigh in in front of all of their friends and families I breathed the largest sigh of relief! I guess things really do happen for a reason because I would have NOT been able to do that.

Meeting two of my DD's (sorority sisters) for lunch and some shopping tomorrow so I'm going to go to bed now!

"Wherever you are - whenever its right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life. I just haven't met you yet"

Heeellooo Michael Buble. Not a fan of you but I LOVE this song!

Winter (not so)Wonderland

This weekend just reminded me about why I hate living in New York during the winter. I LIVE for when it is like 35-40° and the air is completely dry and just crisp. Those are the perfect hair days and I love to walk around all bundled up. I don't know what the temperature was today but it was horrifically cold and flurrying. I am sick of the snow as well, even though its only snowed twice and both times the snow did not last more than 3-4 days. I just want the weather to be nicer so I could enjoy these last few months of winter. Maybe the rest of my break won't be too bad and I can actually get to walking Tammy in the park, some much needed exercise for the both of us.

I played it very low-key this weekend. This winter break has put me on a terrible sleep schedule which resulted me in sleeping away most of the day and I was sick of it. So I stayed in this whole weekend and I must say I was not bored at once. The fact that there was an "Every Episode of Degrassi EVER" marathon on might have something to do with that. Last night I was in bed before 1AM and I woke up at 9 with ease. I got a lot accomplished today - finished cleaning my bedroom, went food shopping for the week and made homemade pizza for the first time. It was a spur of the moment thing and I found a recipe off of google. The recipe called for three tablespoons of olive oil to be drizzled over the pizza but I felt it was excessive so I only used three teaspoons. Apparently even that was too much because I found myself with a very soggy, oily pizza. The flavors were spot on though so that gave me confidence for the next time I attempt to make pizza.

I wanted to make a list of the things I want to accomplish in the future. I'm toying with making a "210 to do in 2010" list or one of those "101 things to do in 1001". I am having better luck with the second one and will post both of them when I complete them. I am still learning how to use this so hopefully I'll get the hang of it soon. I joined 20SB and I love it. I have found a lot of interesting blogs to read so hopefully that'll keep me off of FV during my down time this break. I also have to pretty much cook for myself so that will give me something else to do. One of the things I always had in the back of my mind was to be a chef so I know trying to perfect my cooking skills is going to be a lot of fun. I also wanted to be a writer so maybe writing in this blog could help me live some of that dream. I was thinking about this today. I am one of those people that is always telling stories, whether they are 100% true or not does not matter but it seems that I have a story for everything. While yes, this is an annoying trait to possess, I cannot help but wonder (Carrie Bradshaw moment!) if I do that for a reason... I am also ridiculously good at making up stories to get myself out of trouble. Like so good that it sometimes I scare myself at the shit I have been able to get out of. Maybe the little novelist (whoa dream BIG) inside of me that I have been silencing is trying to speak? I don't know. All I know is that it is almost midnight and I am exhausted. I am beginning to like this new, normal sleep schedule.

As I may (or may not) have mentioned in my last post, I want to do a "photo a day" thing and todays pictures capture my learning experience with margarita pizza.


Before


After

Someone better tell the Chinese that 2010 is the Year of Nikki, not the Tiger.

So I was just sitting here (watching Jersey Shore) and I got to thinking. I am going to be 23 this year and while that is technically not too old I do feel like my life is going by fast. I don't want to wake up one morning and feel that my life has passed me by. As I said in my last post I am still working on my lists of things to accomplish. I might just make it a random number or add to it as I go along, I'm not sure yet. All I know is this year has to be about me. I really need to change my lifestyle and I know that if I succeed in doing this, I will be better off in the long run not just health-wise either. I want to be the happiest girl in the world. I want to be one of those people that does not like shit get to them and just sees the best out of everything. I want to learn how to carry myself better and be more confident, not caring what others think. I want to learn when to walk away from things and to forget about how I feel but remember what I deserve in life.

Wow, I seem to want a lot of things in life. I just hope I have the will to actually get these.

Today I went to meet the man who is helping me to get a job. He works for a bank that is opening two new locations and they are doing hiring. I already submitted my application but being the economy is doing so well right now, I figured pulling a few strings could do no harm. Of course the man is GORGEOUS. Like I was totally beaming when I met him and shook his hand. Overall it went well, I flashed my award-winning smile and looked really cute. He said he was passing my resume along to that branch's manager so - fingers crossed!

Let me just take this moment to congratulate the lucky bitch that gets to sleep with him every night.

I did manage to get a lot accomplished today, much more than I normally would have. I woke up nice and early, eat and filling (and healthy) breakfast and did all of my laundry before getting ready to meet Mr. Bank Manager. I also did very well eating wise even though I did not follow a specific program or meal plan, I just used what was in my house and made conscious decisions.

Maybe this blog will keep me accountable with everything in life? Hope so but for now, I'm gonna go join my snoring puglet and get some sleep!

New Year, New Me?

So I've had this blog for about a year now but I have never made a post. I guess out of laziness and also the fact that I seem to never finish what I start. 2009 came and went and I have mixed feelings about it. While yes it was not the best of years and a lot of things happened that I wish did not, I gained a lot from this year. I managed to learn a lot about myself and that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned how easy it is to fall back into bad habits and how doing one bad thing could trigger a domino effect on your entire life. I learned how good things fall apart so that something even better can come together and how to put myself aside and help someone else for a change. With all that I have learned this year I still have a lot of learning and growing up to do, so that's where this blog comes in.

This blog was originally started as a place to share all of my stories, tips, tricks, and hard-learned lessons about being newly single and back on the dating scene. That blog never happened. I became a dog owner, broke and did not have the means (or time) to experience the dating scene as I wanted to. I was also healing my heart and we all know that you have to heal yourself first before you try to bring someone else into the equation. I had met someone over the summer (will be referred to as Minute Man) who for a while I felt might be my next great love. For the first time in a long time I was treated right and things just felt right when I was with him. Unfortunately, things did not work out for the best since we are entirely two different people and he had no intentions of trying to see things my way as well as his. Oh well, that was so 2009... this is 2010 we are talking about and as cheesy as it sounds I want to completely start over for this new year. I probably say this every year but this time I actually mean it. I also say that every year but that is the past and this is the present and what better day than today.

One of my main goals for this year is the same as it has been for many years, to lose weight. Tonight, (well technically last night now since it is an ungodly hour and I have yet to sleep) I was listening to Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen and one line really stood out to me - "Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own." My body is the greatest instrument I'll ever own and for the past 22 years I have not been treating it right at all. I always see how much people rave about the gym and love working out and I always wish I was like that. Well I don't think those people became exercise-fanatics overnight, they had to start from somewhere just like I am. I'm not saying I will go to the gym for 2-3 hours daily but maybe I could start small like say 2-3 hours a week and then build it up. Also, exercise does not always have to be at the gym I could always go walk in the park and even take Tammy along with me. I'm sure the laziest pug in the world will love that! I always knew how to eat healthier but I just never had the motivation to and I hope that will change in this year. One of the things Santa left me in my stocking was a fitbook and I really hope that it could help me stay accountable, at least as far as eating is concerned. Lisa Lilian from hungry girl absolutely raves about it and how helpful it is with staying on track so, fingers crossed!

One of the other major things I want to work on this year is my progress with school. I am just 5 semesters away from graduating and I seriously need to get my act together. I slipped up a little with this semester but managed to finish it and learn a hard lesson. I now feel as though I know what I want to do with my life and it is comforting to at least have a direction to face in life. I also want to hold a job during this semester, one that will work around my school schedule and understand that school is my number one priority. It would be amazing to have a work study position, I would be able to work on campus and even in some offices I could do my homework as I work so that would work out well. I just have to get my act together, especially with this upcoming semester since I am taking three hospitality courses - including event management. I cannot wait to take it, it looks like it will be a lot of fun and it will give me a glimsp of it will be like to actually be an event planner.

I also want to try and update this blog regularly. It is not possible to say it will be updated daily especially during the semester but I just want to aim to do it on a regular basis. Santa also gave me a brand new camera and memory card for Christmas so I would like to have at least one album worth of pictures for every month of the year. I want to truly enjoy my life for once and document it as I go along. I want to make each day count and no longer waste my time and my life away, I am only 22 now but I know I am going to turn around and be 44 before I know it.

So hopefully I'll be back soon with another update, if not then we'll know I failed at at least one of my resolutions.